How do you hold back?
How do you deal with the anger? How do you fight the urge to go find the guy(AP) and handle things school yard style?
Brief explanation; recently (3 weeks ago) found out my wife had an affair(6 months ago). We’re working to reconcile and are doing fairly well imo. Let me start by saying I’m not going to do anything crazy. Thats said; how do YOU hold back the urge to go find the guy and remind him why you don’t sleep with married women!? I’m talking a nice long conversation with fists where things get broken and he has to take time to heal now too.
I know my reasons and why I won’t (felonies, career endangerment, litigation, etc) but damnit! Maybe it is pride talking but to take this and do NOTHING just feels wrong! I want to destroy his world like he destroyed mine! But… I have kids and pets and can’t take care of either one from jail so I hold back…
How do you deal with it?!?
27 comments posted: Tuesday, March 26th, 2024
How do you deal with it!?
Simple question this time. How do you deal with the overwhelming grief!?
I’m fine one minute, get through my day, act normal. And then night comes and I’m drowning! I can barely keep a straight face at home. Weights don’t help, drinking doesn’t help and I’m terrified my kids are gonna catch on that something’s off.
I can’t stop seeing her and him together in my head! The hole in. My chest isn’t shrinking at r stopping and it feels like I can’t breathe!
She’s seen me cry and, while comforting, seems to act like "been there, done that, this is your turn." It’s been over 20 years since I cheated, we were dating and kids ourselves. I don’t mean to diminish her pain then, what I did was horrible. But we’ve been married for 14 years! What was the point!?
I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT MYSELF! Let that be clear! But damnit… I want the pain to stop!!!!
5 comments posted: Monday, March 18th, 2024
I want your input please.
Here’s the deal; I’ve been with my wife 20+ years, married 14. I am 41, she is 38. On March 2nd, roughly 2 weeks ago, I learned she had slept with her male friend sometime back in October ‘23. Until now my wife has adamantly declared her loyalty and lack of respect for "cheaters". She says it was a mistake, just the one time, she has cried about it and wishes she could take it back (the usual things) and has, since confrontation/confession, cut off the guy completely. Here’s where I would like some input.
Initially I said our relationship was over, no other option or chance. After a sleepless night where I cried, raged, and contemplated all my life choices; I realized one major point. I still loved her deeply and maintain that to this day. Now I have seen here and other places where it is recommended to take time, months even, before deciding on reconciliation or divorce. I can almost certainly say, to wait that long would for sure end our relationship. The "separation" time before we decided would create too many questions and issues by itself. So, because of that but mostly because I just want my wife back, we are trying to reconcile.
Reconciliation so far:
To start I have to say we have felt closer now than we’ve been in many years. I have become much more attentive and appreciative of her and she has shown me more affection than I used to see for months at a time. I’m sure part of it is the shock of what we’re dealing with and the reaction to make up for betrayal and failure. But after some long and hard conversations we both agree that we want to remain together and still love each other. Also recognizing there is a LOT of emotional repair to be done.
My question(s) I guess is/are this; what is your overall opinion of how it’s being handled? What are some red flags to look out for? Any tips or resources (besides this site, such as apps or books) you would recommend? What else can I expect? And how do I balance having zero trust while trying to repair/encourage a healthy relationship?
Thank you in advance for input/advice. I’m sorry you’re here too and I hope your healing journey is going well. I still have more dark days than not but I’ll survive.
EDIT/QUESTIONS:
Her answer to “why?” -I was already questioning the closeness of their relationship. When I really pushed it, she cited my own “past history” and claimed I must have something going on which I was projecting to her (I didn’t). She demanded access to all my accounts (no problem) and found an old online conversation I’d had with another guy. It was a very explicit conversation regarding things my wife and I had done and things I’d still like to do with her. She said she felt betrayed I would reveal such intimate details about her regardless of how “anonymous” I thought it was. Add to that (my opinion) she felt I was neglecting her (our thoughts differ on this) and a “suspicious trip” I made to a bar. She said she was mad and suspicious and implied she acted out.
Do I know it was a 1x thing? No. The only reason I kind of believe it is this; the whistle blower was the gf of AP (hang on) who is married (to someone else, open relationship) and who he told when it happened. She said their relationship is open like that and she believed him when he told her it was only the once. Basically, stories match and this other person has no reason to lie about it. Doesn’t make it true I know, just that she believes it.
Timeline? No. I have asked my wife for a date of D-day and as yet haven’t had a response. I don’t want or need any more than that. I’ve made it clear that at any time, if I find out more than what’s been confessed, it will be the end for us. Basically come clean now or risk skeletons ruining a good thing later.
7 comments posted: Monday, March 18th, 2024
Need some encouragement today.
Very brief explaination; I found out shy of 2 weeks ago my wife had an affair. I’ve been processing since then and trying to "work on it" with my WW. To be honest, we haven’t felt this close in years and I really can see a shift in her. But it’s early on and I know time will tell.
Today it’s all hitting me HARD though! I’m stuck at work and all I can see every blink of my eyes is them together (what I imagine at least). I want to scream and cry and break things and close myself away from everyone! But like I said, I’m at work so I smile and do my job instead.
I need encouraging words. Stories of success and reassurance this will get better and be ok in the end. I need to hear the hole in my chest that’s taking my breath away will close eventually and my wife can still be my wife one day.
I feel silly even asking for this. I’m a 41 year old man, tattooed and athletically built/strong. The picture of an action movie badass. And all I want to do in this moment is break down in sobs at my desk.
8 comments posted: Thursday, March 14th, 2024
Need some encouragement today. (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Wednesday, March 13th, 2024
It won’t go away!
Posted in JFO some days ago. Basically I just found out (3/2/24) my wife had a "one time" sexual affair with her male "friend" sometime in October ‘23. Like many of you, I was crushed! Still am. But after my initial reaction of "it’s over!" I realized that despite a pain that left me feeling hollow, I still loved her. So I made the call to reconcile (which she asked me for after confronting her). I have seen a huge improvement in her behavior and attitude towards me as well as of course) a complete cut off from her AP. Messages, socials, even business dealings canceled, closed, and blocked!
I know there’s no easy fix for this. I know only time and effort will heal. But holy god it hurts! I’m a 41 year old traditional (don't let em see you cry) guy who typically has a pretty good mastery over my emotions. I’ve broken down almost every night for a week and sobbed uncontrollably because I can’t stop imagining the two of them together. Just when I think I’ve got it out of my head or distracted myself, it pops up again. Happened today in the middle of my daughter’s BJJ tournament! I didn’t cry but I couldn’t shake off the images in my head either. I’ve tried the tips and stuff here, it’s not helping. And right behind all the pain that floods my chest is the follow up thought, "I should just give up and leave. It won’t stop this hurt but if she’s not ‘mine’ then maybe I can forget faster." Of course this isn’t what I want to do, not really.
So I guess my question is this; for those who have reconciled or are trying; does the feeling of being the consolation prize ever stop? Do you ever stop feeling like your person replaced you and will again? That you’re not good enough and it’s just a matter of time before someone else takes your place again?
12 comments posted: Monday, March 11th, 2024
6 days ago…
SHORT VERSION:
6 days ago I was tipped off my wife cheated with her male friend. A male friend I had been begging her to create distance with for the last 5 months! And it happened nearly right after I really pressed the issue about this particular friend. Now both the friend who told me and my wife said it was only 1 time. My wife said it was a mistake, she regretted it immediately and cried about it after. But she also gaslit me and even made me feel guilty about my concerns and complaints of how close she seemed to her "friend". When I asked her to spend less time with him than r never be alone with him (yes I saw the writing on the wall and I knew what was coming), she complied. But she lied that there was nothing there and made me feel bad for it. Yes there were also other friends she became close with who were around the dude’s house/business. Other reasons she wanted to go there.
So then I find out. My immediate reaction is "we’re over!" And after a sleepless night I realize I still love her. Her and our family. I’ve been with her longer now than I’ve been without her and I wondered if it’s worth throwing away over a 1 time mistake. A mistake I made many times in my youth; hurting her then. So I tell her I’d consider working it out IF she blocks him and never speaks with him again. She agreed and told me she already had removed him from everything. She legit seems remorseful and I believe her (and the friend who told) that it was only 1 time. But I can’t get the mental image of them together out of my head! It’s been 6 days and whenever I close my eyes I see my wife having sex with him. If my mind isn’t constantly occupied, I think how she could hurt me and lie about it for MONTHS! Not just lie but make ME feel guilty for wanting them to stay apart.
I know nothing I do will make the memory or pain go away any faster. I am asking for my fellow broken people’s thoughts and tips. How do you move on from this? What helps? How do I hold my wife again without wondering if he held her the same way? Thank you in advance from a broken man.
9 comments posted: Saturday, March 9th, 2024
6 days ago… (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Saturday, March 9th, 2024
