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The other evening, FWH and I were having an emotional discussion. I was pain shopping probably. I brought up doing a post-nup. He didn’t know what is was so I told him. After he researched it he was super ready to sign one, he even went a found a template for our state. Since then he brings it up once a day, he literally says he actively wants this. When I told him about it I was like "we can sign a post nup so if you betray me again I get everything" so he knows what it means on my end.

I was kinda shocked he keeps bringing it up, he says "is this is something that will bring you peace of mind I want to do it". Is he being weird? I said I’d get alll the money (we don’t have much but he has a 401k and a pension that he can collect and it will triple in a few years if he stays) and all our assets (again, not much, we don’t even own a house) and I said he would have to pay spousal support etc and he’d probably be poor and have to live with his parents or something because I would wreck his life. He was still like "absolutely, I want this done as soon as possible"

So has anyone done a post-nup? I would love some advice.

We did one. It was a stipulation of mine to move forward. It was his way of laying literally everything at my feet and giving actual vulnerability a shot.

It can be kind of complicated depending on where you are and what you want. First I went to a divorce lawyer and basically it was like you had to do all of the divorce stuff (divide assets unevenly split to me). We started this process. It was taking forever, was expensive (blew through retainer quickly) and I was not in my right mind (I literally went to the divorce lawyer two days after DDay 2 where I found out it was physical and he'd been lying to me for 2 years after DDay 1.) The divorce lawyer also said that the judge might not honor everything since it was so lopsided.

I ended up scrapping that post-up and we did another kind of post nup like contract that gives me complete ownership over our biggest assets if we divorce. Much like an inheritance that was never mixed with the marital assets stays that person's property. We also switched lawyers to one my H hired (because this was also a way to say that he knew exactly what he was doing and wasn't coerced). I also have paperwork that shows that he will give me a bigger percentage of any other assets if we divorce.

(I'd never have to give him support though. My H has much greater earning potential than I do. I have been a SAHM for the past almost 20 years and most of our marriage. He'd be hurting for a minute but would be just fine in the end. Me not so much.)

I am glad we did it. It still gives me peace of mind. If I need to leave I will be able to do so without worrying as much (I'd still have to get back into the workforce in my 40s, but it can be done.) It also did prove that he was literally all in and willing to put his money where his mouth is. We are a little over 4 years past DDay 2 and so far he hasn't given me a reason to doubt that he's still committed to our marriage above everything else.

You might see if your/his workplace have any legal benefits or see if you can get some kind of consolation for a low price. I wouldn't just print and sign something without talking to a lawyer. Just to make sure whatever you decide will stand up in court if it gets to that point.

We did one. Though, we have a business together and a fair amount of assets that we grew together over the last 27 years. I wanted to take finances off the table for recon/recovery. I think I did this in the month following DDay. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't doing it - recovery and reconciliation - because I was afraid of what would happen to me or our son financially. FWH was kind of shocked that I was willing to work on the marriage, but essentially wanted what boils down to a divorce decree without the divorce. It was very early days. I wasn't in my right mind. He wasn't fully clear that this could end his family and marriage as he knew it. But, he was willing to put down on paper a very, very favorable situation for me or son....and more so if he was stupid enough to put me through this kind of bullshit again. It DID give me some piece of mind. Is it a guarantee? No.

I don't know your story, but on the surface....to me....that he's willing to do whatever he needs to to further your peace of mind and safety....seems like a good step.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 7:49 PM, Tuesday, November 7th]

When you're carrying 100 lbs on your back, even if you only take 5 lbs off, it still feels lighter, right?

We have a post nuptial agreement. WH agreed and wanted to stay married. I did it shortly after DDay to allow me time to examen my options and buy some time to pursue reconciliation, to provide me with financial protection, and to clear the path away from a contentious divorce should it come to that. It also served to let my WH know how intolerant I was regarding any hint of future infidelity.

Ours was simple in that we are on the cusp of retirement, have no children at home, and have no debts. Part of me wanted to demand payment for pain and suffering, but I realized that I would never go through with it if it left the the father of my children in poverty, even if it were legally possible. We simply agreed, in case of divorce for any reason regardless or fault, to split our assets 50/50 plus a generous lump sum that would be taken from his half and put in my half. Without actually stating this in the post nup, the amount represents the present value of the difference between our separate social security benefits. I could leave him overnight and divorce in 60 days in our state without having to have much or any interaction. I don't have to prove anything. I could just walk away. Forever. I still can. There is power in knowing this.

I will tell you that you want to get it right. Later, a second lawyer didn't think ours was airtight because it was a contract where WH didn't get any benefit, though it could be argued that the benefit of trying to remain married was implied. Also, I do wish I'd added an inflation clause. In any case, I am happy to have it. It did bring the peace of mind I needed.

Best to you.

The absolute worst advice offered on this site is IMHO legal advice – mine definitely included.
There are too many caveats, conditions, changes and factors that make offering solid advice on legal matters way too hard. With that forewarning – where I’m basically telling you to read what I am suggesting as well as other suggestions with a big spoonful of doubt – then here goes:

Postnups are a very tricky thing and need to be done by a competent lawyer.

A rule-of-thumb is that they cant be too lop-sided. Like your husband can’t sign off the marital possessions if you decide to divorce or be left destitute. If the postnup can be seen as lop-sided or harsh a competent attorney will easily have it dismissed if you do divorce.

What a postnup (probably) can do is clear issues that might otherwise be contested. Like it can state that you have first choice on the family home, and that it has a certain financial value in the marital equation that is possibly under market value. It can confirm a certain asset was financed using an inheritance and is outside the marital asset cake. It can clarify that a pension or some savings are yours. It can confirm that your husband will not contest alimony for xx years, or that in lieu of alimony you can chose a payout clause enabling you to keep more marital assets. It can allow you first-choice of the vehicles.
Basically – when we think of postnups – we think "if we divorce you get nothing and I get everything" but it needs to be more like "if we divorce I get first-choice, and that enables me to get 60% rather than the legally entitled 50%"

Not cooling down anyone’s interest in a postnup, but rather pointing out that a wayward spouse that isn’t really going to change can easily sign a do-it-yourself postnup, knowing that if the BS waves it around at divorce, they can very easily have it dismissed. That posibility is less if done correctly.

A rule-of-thumb is that they cant be too lop-sided. Like your husband can’t sign off the marital possessions if you decide to divorce or be left destitute.

We got legal advice in the UK on this post dday and we’ve been told exactly that: that whilst WH was happy to sign off everything to me in a post nup (if he cheated again), based on the fact that divorce is pretty much no fault in the UK, we could not do that. I mean we could but it would mean absolutely nothing as during the divorce it would be contested, you cannot let someone become destitute whilst the other party gets everything.

Post nups after affairs are often drafted to give peace of mind to BSes in the event of another affair and make the WH think twice about cheating as there would be too much to lose (as if it wasn’t the first time they cheated). In our case (in the UK) as I said, the lawyer explained that in order for the post nup to hold, it needs to be seen as fair. Which the law caters for already.

I would say if that’s the path you wish to take do make sure you get legal advice.