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DDay was 1 year 7 months ago. I have had trauma therapy twice and dealt with my demons but every 5 or so weeks after we have had a good time I flare up and just lose control of what I am saying and how I am feeling. I am can't articulate how I am feeling very well in these moments. My partner ends up feeling emotionally abused and I just feel out of control. How do I stop this from happening? It isn't healthy at all and I know that

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 3:04 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

DDB,

Do you feel you have complete honesty and your spouse is not still omitting, lying or minimizing?

Hi DDB,

I am very sorry you are going through this. Did you have (2) rounds of trauma therapy or did you attend (2) sessions? I am just trying to understand the duration of your trauma therapy.

I am with survrus when he asks: "Do you feel you have complete honesty and your spouse is not still omitting, lying or minimizing?

Is it possible that your body is not only "keeping score" but that your body is sensing the dissonance that your human brain my be suppressing in order to keep you feeling more emotionally stable?

Do you have a private journal that you have been writing in? You mention a 5 week cycle where you begin to feel like this. If your are not journaling yet, maybe that will be one thing that you can start doing immediately?

I think more trauma therapy is in order. In the meantime, do you have self-awareness when this is happening or about to happen? If so, is it possible to isolate until it passes?

I remember having emotional FITS in the couple of years after DDay, probably much like you're describing. The slightest perceived slight or trigger would set me off and I'd "get on the train" as my H called it. Many times, we had to cancel plans because I was too torqued up to be around other people.

My guess is that it's PTSD.

I agree more therapy is in order. I was admittedly verbally abusive for a long time. I ranted and raved whenever I felt like it. I'm 5 years out now and finally found an amazing therapist to work through my anger and triggers. I definitely have PTSD, however I am handling my emotions much better.

I have had 2 rounds of therapy. 24 sessions and I feel like everytime I get to a good place I'm knocked back again. I'm so tired of it all. I'm not sure reconciliation is worth it but I also feel like regardless I'm clearly not mentally ok.

I don't have enough self awareness to stop the explosion. I stew on negative thoughts for a few days and they build and build but my brain doesn't seem capable of recognising where its about to lead to. I just convince myself of the negative things and that it must be right.

I think I have honesty and he has apologised etc but I think I am stuck in full defence mode. I show vulnerability then when he gets close I attack (verbally not phtsically)

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 7:58 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

This sounds totally normal to me. Sucks, but normal given the time away from DDay. Though, in the "it will take 2-5 years to heal" spectrum….I’m definitely closer to 5…and at about 4 1/2 now.

I did experience some instances of feeling MUCH better only to flare up and lose control. I was feeling so much better than I was afraid it couldn’t be real.
My FWH also felt emotionally abused….because….I was, admittedly, emotionally abusing him in those occasions when I would be triggered and lose control. (Not saying that it wasn’t deserved, but it wasn’t my best moment) I will say that, while he’s human, he did recovery like a poster child.

Not being sure that reconciliation was worth it…..I can totally identify with. I’m not sure that I was sure-ish for about 2-3 years. Some days now….if I’m triggered, I’m still not sure exactly. In those times, FWH knows he better be on his "A" game. Had a MC tell us both that being unsure of "if it’s worth it" is the essence of the faith in a relationship. No one can ever really be sure. Infidelity just makes that worse 10 fold.

I’m not really clear on what therapy you’re doing….but some trauma therapy, like EMDR, has a "backlash". It is super helpful long run, but is a bit like chemo. Makes you feel wretched in the short term.

This won’t get better in the time you want it to. But, you WILL feel better. Focus on you. Focus on healing yourself. You’re gonna have to do that if it works out or not. When you’re losing control…..take a time out. Smash some old dishes. Go for a run. Get that crap out of you. It is OK that you feel angry or sad or abandoned or hurt. You’re going to have to heal from this, regardless. It is enormously unfair….and THAT is enraging. But, focusing on doing healing "right" isn’t healing. Just focus on healing. If you’re not available for "company" because you’re not in control…..that’s ok.

I’m SO sorry you’re here.

Sounds like emotional flooding. I've been there. I don't think I get abusive (not that during the super angry phase I was all that kind but I was in control of what I was saying), but I remember the feeling of almost coming out of my body and struggling to make sense, even to myself.

Once my therapist identified it as emotional flooding, we developed strategies to deal. They mostly involved taking a break, breathing exercises and that sort of thing. I also told my WS about it so when it would start to happen, I'd say "I'm flooding, I can't think straight, I don't know what I'm saying," and that gave him the opportunity to go into caregiver mode versus feeling attacked.

You seem to have a clue when it's going to happen. The negative thoughts that percolate for a few days. I'd start there if I were you. What can you do to address those thoughts before they lead to your loss of control? It's very difficult to control our negative thinking but it is solvable.

Sounds like you are having difficulty identifying when the dark moods are creeping in. Which is somewhat normal. However you have to become better in touch with yourself.

You have to identify when it is starting to happen and change your actions. My H broke NC multiple times in the first months of R. It was crushing to me and fully destroyed my ability to trust. He did pull his head from his ass and we did rebuild but I had lost my ability to trust at all. Lost my ability to trust my judgment and anytime he was in a foul mood or acted in what I deemed to be selfish I would start to spiral.

What Helped? Asking myself if his actions matched his behavior when he was in the A. If he was just tired or had a bad day. I took caution and worked on healing myself. Eventually I got to where I could count on myself no matter his actions. I also knew that no matter what happened I had a plan and could take action to protect myself. I would also say that I spent about 18 mos with that "cross that line and I'm outta here" attitude. He understood it was his responsibility to rebuild trust and assure me that he was not doing things he did. We were brutally honest and transparent with each other.

What are you doing when you realize you are falling into that loop of behavior? Come up with a plan and make sure he understands your lack of trust is 100% on him and if you can tell him honestly when you are thinking dark thoughts. Allow him to take actions to show you he is doing the work and being a safe partner. If he isn't then maybe you have bigger choices to make.