SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How does anyone ever get through this. 7 years later, I am still always on the the verge of crying. I have no self esteem, and I have had very few truly happy moments in the last 7 years. He is fine. He never talks about what he did. He wants to leave it all in the past. Move forward. He can't even understand why it still goes through my mind. We have never told anyone about it....the whole thing was swept away. He is fine...me not so muc

7 years is a long time, and let’s be honest. The answer is no. You won’t be happy with your WH. You know why, it’s all been rugswept. He’s happy as can be because he doesn’t have to account for the damage done, and you’re miserable. Does. He. Care? Ask yourself that. Does he care about how miserable you are, or does he care more about how he isn’t in pain.

Affairs show how much the WP only cares about themselves, it’s the epitome of selfishness. To truly R, they have to show you that they can stop. Rug sweeping and not talking about it, that’s the opposite.

I’m not pushing R or D, actually I’m very anti D, but I am more anti setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm then I am pro R. Cheaters have a playbook, and only when they break out of it and actually try does R have any chance.

So, I’m just going to say it. Your WH sucks, he hasn’t done a damn thing to fix your marriage, it won’t get better for you. Only you can make the best decision for you.

Please know i may be blunt, but I’m not trying to be cruel or mean. I’ve read thousands of articles/posts/.blogs etc since I’ve been thrust into this awful club of infidelity. I’ve seen the type of WS who can maybe rebuild, and I’ve seen the type who can’t. Your WH, as it is, can’t and will likely have another affair if he hasn’t already.

Take care of yourself, not him. What has he done for you? What has he done to show he could be a safe partner?

I have so much sympathy and empathy for you. For me, I was stuck in limbo for 24 years, and like you, told no one after the initial year of therapy.

Here is what is helping me:
1. Got into therapy-IC. The first time was straight MC-which was a mistake. IC is for YOU. Use every session for you.
2. Got the book Torn asunder-I know, I internally groaned "not another book on infidelity and how your marriage could be better because of it." But it actually did help. There is a workbook, which I did not find that helpful-seems to be for early days. Book available on Amazon if you are in the US.
3. Get a same sex friend you can talk to. They do not have to have gone thru this infidelity, just someone who cares about you. (Cross sex is really dangerous as you will make yourself vulnerable to this person).
4. Talk to WH-he caused this, he have to take responsibility. As a lot of the surface anger has disappeared at this point, you can talk.
5. Try EMDR with the therapist-I thought it was voo doo, but it really works.
6. Do things for YOU. For me, I workout 2 hours a day-30 minutes on peloton and 1 1/2 hours on weights. I also started dieting-removed all enriched flour, white rice, enriched pasta from my life. No processed sugar either-just from fruits. I am 19 lbs lighter, and I feel great. I am buying new clothes I (not she) want.
7. One of you has to make the first move. For me, it was FWW. She rekindled a virtually dead sex life. And WOW. I mean WOW.
8. Examine why you are still in marriage. You can vent here-the SI community really helps you shape your thoughts. It is painful to read how stupid you’ve been at times, but most of the people here are kind, and are trying to help.
9. For me, I had a six and three year old. I could not rip their world apart, and I could not bear the thought of them waking up with me being there. Things got better for a while, then worse. I disconnected from her so I could survive. I had friends, fantastic house, an image to the world that would be shattered by D. But I was so empty on the inside. BUT, my friends here at SI told me to the same things I am telling you. And I am so much happier today. (All this started happening 10 months ago).
10. Pep Talks to your self. You are a very special person. You are a strong person-you survived 7 years with a selfish pig. Plus the A time. You are the prize, not him.
11. Allow yourself time to cry. Cry about your broken dreams. Cry about your crappy life. Cry about what still hurts. Cry because your Starbucks order was wrong!

I wish I could give you a real hug, but here is a virtual one ((hug)).

Oh, I forgot, if you are religious, get involved with your church. If not, get involved in a charity you care about. Doing things for others takes your focus off your own problems. And makes you happier you are helping others.

After d-day, the BS needs to drive their own healing. As the BS, you need to figure out what you want and what you need from your WS. Then you have to ask for what you want and require what you need. You can't heal unless you're willing to dump your WS unless they meet your requirements. You have to risk losing your M to save it.

It's been 7 years, but if you take control of your own healing, you can be happy again, though it may mean dumping your H.

So ... first question: do you really want him? IOW, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Next, what do you need from him? Most of us who have R'ed have demanded real change from our WSes. That almost always means that the WS enters IC with the goal of changing from betrayer to good partner. Committing to changing from betrayer to good partner is, IMO, crucial.

That is: the WS needs to decide that they're fed up with the way they run their life. Another way of saying that is: the WS has to decide to become honest with themselves and with others - no more lies.

An alternative is to decide your life is good as it is. R is a lot of work. You may decide you don't want to do it. Your H may be unwilling to do it. You might then decide not to D but to continue a marriage of convenience. If you do that, make sure you protect yourself financially.

Your life is in large part up to you. What do you want to do? That's an honest question - I don't don't know the answer, and I don't know what's best for you - but you do. If you're not aware of the answer, a good IC can help you figure yourself out.

So, no you'll probably never be happy if you don't change yourself - but happiness is eminently possible if you do change.

I know it’s miserable 😩. I was so happy for 36 years. Most days I try and find something to do so I don’t think about it but I wake at night and I not even being totally conscious have the feeling something is not quite right. When you are as old as I am decided to just see him as a companion and not a loving husband. I read here posts about being happier than before but as much as I tried I couldn’t get there counseling only did so much. I just keep thinking if I hadn’t encouraged him to return to Vietnam I would have just gone on thinking I had a wonderful husband. I demanded nothing of him literally for 36 years and I am paying the price for that now. I was all about making his life comfortable. When counselor asked him what he did in the marriage he said…he had a well paying job. That was it! I had a decent job but as a teacher not as much as him. My point is I had a job too!

You've been given some great advice already. I'll just add this:

I cringe when I hear anyone say that the true key to happiness is to put others first. I wholeheartedly disagree. Put your needs first, your happiness first, and everything else will fall into place. Like an oxygen mask on an airplane - you have to put yours on first so that you can help others.

Another terrific book that helped me immensely: Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. It's $10 on Amazon, and should also be available at your local library.

Thanks for the responses. I never thought when I found this page 7 years ago that I still would be coming here now for help. I never thought how hard this would be. I never thought my partner would be able to just do this and feel bad for a few months and then block it out of our lives. But...of course he would, I realize how self centered he is. I realize I am in charge of my own happiness. I really appreciate all of you.