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I've been through days of crying and some anger after finding out my husband loves someone else. Now I'm just numb. He says he loves me too and has broken off the emotional affair. I want to work on our marriage and make this work because I do still love him. I don't think he truly realizes what this did to me or how long it will take to bring back any kind of normalcy in our life, let alone trust. He keeps talking about it like it isn't a big deal and is actually discussing his feelings about her and why in the long run their relationship wouldn't have lasted. I told him he needs to see a therapist or counselor to discuss not only these things, but other issues that contributed to why he did this.

I'm very alone right now as I have no real social network where we live and I do not want to bring my adult children, his steps, into it. When we work all this out, I don't want them having negative feelings toward him.

I appreciate this group. As I've read some of the posts, I realize I'm not alone in this, but also it really stinks that so many people have to go though this suffering. Any advice is appreciated.

I'm sure others will come along soon with advice. I only have a few moments to respond but I wanted to let you know you're not alone out there. I also caught my WHs A when I had zero nearby social network (my closest good friend was a 5 hour drive each way from where I lived - everyone else was a 5 hour flight away). My WH didn't want to talk about the AP with me - how he felt about her - until years later. I think I wanted to hear it at the time - now reading your post it infuriates me that your WH wants to "mourn" the loss of his AP by hashing out with you why it wouldn't have worked out with her when there is really only one reason he should be talking about: that he is married to you. Cheaters live in their own circus tents and everyone is supposed to be putting on a show for them. How insensitive. How do they not see that? Or if they do see it why do they keep hurting their spouses? Questions that really have no good answers.

He keeps talking about it like it isn't a big deal and is actually discussing his feelings about her and why in the long run their relationship wouldn't have lasted. I told him he needs to see a therapist or counselor to discuss not only these things, but other issues that contributed to why he did this.

I wonder if he would think it was no big deal if the situation was reversed. I'm guessing not a chance.

I'm so sorry you are here.

You are by no means alone. You have all of us. If you want to make it work, there is one thing I would suggest. Do not fall into the trap of feeling like you have to earn his love back. He needs to earn yours. You by no means should be is sounding board for his love for her. It seems counter intuitive, but standing your ground is much more attractive. Read as many article in the learning box that you can. And take care of yourself. Sleep if you need to, scream if you need to and make sure you eat and drink lots of water. It really helps.

I don't think he truly realizes what this did to me or how long it will take to bring back any kind of normalcy in our life, let alone trust. He keeps talking about it like it isn't a big deal and is actually discussing his feelings about her and why in the long run their relationship wouldn't have lasted.

A person who would betray their committed partner has already justified their actions to themselves while they were carrying on the other relationship, so it isn't surprising that they minimize the impact and destruction of what they've done.

Cheating is, by it's nature, a very selfish/self-focused choice. Cheating requires a lack of empathy in order to do it. So, it's sadly common that cheaters don't "get" the seriousness of what they've done to their partner, their relationship, and even themselves.

The strong infatuation-level of "love" that cheaters experience with their affair partner is called "limerance." (Limerance is actually the name for infatuation-level interest that people feel in most new relationships--not just cheaters.) But the point is, long term committed relationships have a hard time "competing" with limerance because the new cheating relationship is shiny and isn't built in reality. It's full of people seeing only the best in each other and not really acknowledging (or even being aware of) each other's negative issues...and we ALL of negative issues. On top of that, the affair relationship isn't about paying bills or having to compromise on all of life's real issues or squabbles. Instead, it's about "you're SO AMAZING" and "what we feel for each other is SO AMAZING." It's about flirtation and a huge hit of feel-good brain chemicals. That's limerance, and it requires a few things to get over it:

1) No contact with the affair partner--none.

2) Individual counseling

3) Time

4) A dose of reality. He needs to really get what this has done to you. You have to be willing to lose the relationship to save it.

If he believes/knows you won't leave him, then he will continue to see this as not that big of a deal. .

Don't compete for him. You're the prize--the loyal partner.

Strongly consider separating (in house or out of house).

Do a 180. He doesn't want to act married and committed? Don't give him the benefit of a committed partner who does laundry, cooking, or errands for him.

Use this time to get your feet under you to take care of yourself and pursue your own hobbies and interests. Get your own individual counseling. Decide what it would take for him to demonstrate he can be a safe partner to you.

Consider widening your own real-life network of support. You deserve support, and it's okay (and appropriate) for him to experience the reality of what people might think about him if they knew he cheated on you. Protecting him from this impact also allows him to continue to minimize the seriousness of what he's done.

Finally, does the other woman have a spouse or long term partner? Inform the partner if at all possible. The other spouse deserves the truth. It also breaks the affair fantasy world that the cheaters have been living in. It could also give you a potential source of information to verify what your husband has told you.

It sounds like he's only admitted to an emotional affair. It's possible you don't known it all yet. Cheaters lie, and minimize, and "trickle truth" (giving you only a piece of truth at time--usually based on what they think you can prove or what they think will keep them from being in too much trouble with you). Cheaters justify the lying, minimizing, and trickle-truth by telling themselves they are "protecting" you. But they are really still self-focused and protecting themselves.

What you read above is my advice. I support you no matter what decisions you make.

Be kind to yourself, dear lady!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 11:29 PM, Thursday, December 29th]

We totally get how you feel, you are not alone.
BreakingBad has given you great advice.

The WS in their state of limerence and brain chemical addiction sees you as the bad person. They are convinced they are a great person because the AP told them, and you just don’t get it. They think it wasn’t that bad because you don’t understand.

When my W’s limerence fog lifted, I made sure she understood how shitty, her, her AP, and the betrayal was. I know for sure she has no fond memories of her A’s, she is disgusted by them.

This is how you handled this. Every.single.time he brings her up leave the room. He will ask you where you are going so you need to have an answer ready. You will say you need to fix a meal, do laundry, make the bed, feed the dogs. Have an excuse ready every.single.time. This is a tried and true way to stop someone’s behavior without ever telling them you are doing it. It is impossible for him to have a conversation with you if every time he brings her name up you leave every single time. Don’t shrug, don’t cry, don’t say anything, just get up and leave. It is the most powerful thing in the world for you to not respond at all. It’s a training mechanism to get folks out of their own heads. Your pain is not registering with him so don’t show him. Leave, leave leave.