SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My STBXW is living with another man. She was cheating on me with him before filing. I have two sons. One son is in college out of state. He was seeming stressed out and my ex suggested I go visit him. I was excited to go but wondered if my ex had a hidden agenda. I live in the house with our other son who is 16. My ex said if I went she could come stay at the house and make dinner for my 16 year old while I’m visiting our other son. She never helped him and the only time she did come over she brought a truck to take a grill, cabinet and chest from the house. I don’t care much about the items. We got most of them together but they were more hers. The part that makes me mad is she brought her new boyfriend into my house to get the things knowing I don’t want him here. When I asked who helped her she said it’s not my business then admitted he was here. I feel that’s invading my privacy. He already has my exwife and many other items we collected in our twenty years together. I feel if I don’t want him in my home she should respect my boundaries. Is that unreasonable?

It is definitely not unreasonable to not want him in your home.

Have you filed for divorce?

If you haven't, why not? When you do, file for exclusive use of the marital home.

The hard part is talking to your kids about this. Mine saw nothing wrong with her dad coming over when I wasn't there, even though both attorneys agreed that he shouldn't do it. Mine actually had my kids smuggle things out of the home for him, which put them square in the middle.

Talk to your attorney, and if you don't have one, hire one.

Cat

Part of the divorce process is division of assets. Write down while you remember what she took and place a fair financial value on it. When it comes to the final division this goes her side of the slate.
It’s common that divorcing people live separately. It’s also common that one is in the family home. There is a very simple and easy process where one is defined as the spouse that resides in the family home. What that does is limits the others access, without limiting their share or possession or right to the value of the home. In human-speak it allows you to limit her access, change the locks, decide who get’s entry and so on.
There are reasonable limits. Like if she has possessions that are definitely hers she has the right to pick them up, but it’s done with your acceptance on when and even how. Another limit is that MAYBE you can’t decide who helps her carry her stuff out, but at least you can demand that you (or your representative) is on-site to guard your interests.

The best part about our D was when I moved into my very own house and knowing that he had never stepped foot across the threshold and never would. We had been renting and when he moved out he was couch surfing so I had a hard time getting him to take his stuff out of the rental home so we could be done with that. There was one thing that I moved to my house and that was the grill. Later that spring when he was in a place that he could take it he asked if he could stop by and get it. I said "sure, what time" and DS and I had it moved to the curb on the side of the house so he didn't even have to come to the door. DS watched for him and ran out to help him load it. I didn't even peek out the window.

Later, I had DS's high school graduation party at my house. My xMIL was invited but XWH was not. DS knew that I didn't want him at the house and frankly he didn't want him there either. He told me how peaceful our new house was and he knew that his dad was making me a crazy person. 2 weeks before the graduation I got an email from WXH whining about why couldn't we do a party at a neutral location and it was rude to invite his family and bosses but not him. I just said no, you can have your own celebration with DS. One time I know that OW came by because she left a letter in DS's car out on the street on behalf of his dad. That definitely had an ooey factor knowing she had been there.

That house was my sanctuary, my peace, and it got me back on my feet quicker than anything. I stayed there until 2020 when I bought a bigger house because my BF moved in after retiring and DS came home after graduating college to wait and work until the big city got back to normal. I'm still in the neighborhood though and loving my life.

The part that makes me mad is she brought her new boyfriend into my house to get the things knowing I don’t want him here.

It’s not unreasonable at all.

It’s simply wanting the fundamental value of respect.

The problem is, your STBXW, like my XWW and almost all who commit this betrayal, don’t live by virtue of values, moral code, or principles.

They live by virtue of what other people think of them.

Everything they do, how they act, how they dress, and how they treat other people is based on how they feel other people view and think of them.

It’s the "seeking external validation" that drives their behavior.

Your STBXW knows she betrayed you so she also knows your view and opinion of her is, as would be expected, very low.

Therefore, she has no motivation to treat you with any semblance of respect because she doesn’t expect any praise, or validation, from extending any respect to you.

Her being respectful to you doesn’t get a dopamine hit of a "You’re pretty!" or "You’re sexy!" in return.

In fact, it’s the opposite in her view as you, involuntarily, will always be a living reminder of what a total failure of a human being she is.

Going back to that house and seeing your children is also a reminder, so she needs to bring the new-guy-source-of-value with her to feel better.

Just always remember that none of this shit she has done has anything to do with you.

He already has my ex wife…

Listen, please don’t view this as though her adultery guy has won some kind of prize in ending up with her.

I can assure you - he has not.

People like this are not a prize - they are parasites that need to feed off others emotionally and financially.

In time, you will be breathing easier and feeling better not having this emotional black-hole treating you like you the troll under the bridge in her Jerry Springer fantasy world.

No, not unreasonable at all.

How low of her to this to you after all but I'm not surprised. She had no morals when she cheated why would she have it now?

She's manipulative. Just plain and simple. She manipulated you to leave, so that she can come get some stuff, which were her's mostly anyway like you said. Only way to stop playing her game is to not play her game. NADA.

Eye's wide open my friend. Trust them as far as you can throw them. If she is asking for something, suggesting something or what the heck ever, just know, its to HER BENEFIT. Once you remind yourself this, than you can protect yourself better from her games.

Its not about wanting the AP in your house, it could be anything else. This lady is manipulating you, SO stop letting her. YOu're in D, keep her at bay.

Thanks. I appreciate everyone’s advice. She is definitely a manipulative person out to make herself happy at all costs.

That's the irony of it though. People who depend on others to "make them happy" can never be satisfied. There's a bottomless pit in their soul which can never be filled by other people. We have to be capable of contentment, and that comes from within.

Healthy boundaries is very important in life, regardless of the situation.