SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

** Disclaimer**

If you aren't feeling that humor is helpful, this is not the post for you. But if you feel you can laugh, maybe this will be for you. I know my H is to blame. Writing this made me laugh, so please, no lectures about not blaming OW. Feel free to respond with your own imaginary letter to your wayward's AP. ***

My Imaginary Letter to my Husband's ex Mistress:

Dear Lady Who Drinks A Lot:

We've never met but I do want to first extend heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband in 2016. I know that your grief was a bit assuaged starting in 2018 when you began sleeping with my husband! Nothing says "I cherish the sanctity of marriage and the memories of the love of my life," more than sleeping with another woman's husband! Especially when you know that she has no idea he is flying out of town to meet up with you. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard of this grief strategy...amiright?

I didn't learn about your affair until 2020 and boy howdy! Was I one surprised lady! It turns out, the whole time I was worried that my husband was suffering from depression and I spent a lot of sincere and heartfelt time and money to help him-he was just lying, gaslighting and pretending to be on pesky work trips or guy's snowmobile trips. It's just hilarious to realize that maybe, just maybe, in addition to him not being a world class ass hat, you had maybe tried dating someone who was single! It's mostly on him, I get that. But I wish you could have done me a solid by not participating. That's crazy talk I know.

One of the most fun things I found out was that you invited him to be your date at a wedding! That's so cool. I'm sure the happy couple would have loved knowing that the guy at Table 8 with the bloated gal with bad hair extensions, was in fact, married to a loving wife about 3 hours by plane away! Good times. You knew he lived at home and that I was worried sick. Now now, don't get feisty, of course he knew too. But surely you, with all your charm and beauty had at least a few other options in the greater ATL area? No? That's a head scratcher. But I'm sure glad you had a date to the wedding.

The laughs just never stopped once I found out. You always knew my name. So I'm sure you had some fun looking at my social media. I was such a nut! I didn't think my husband had a girlfriend in another city, so I just had family and vacation photos up for the lookin'. I'm wacky like that.

Once I knew who you were, naturally I took a peek at yours. It was really neat to cross reference the known timeline of his visits to you and your FB. Boy you sure posted a lot about that dead husband and all sorts of deep thoughts about "character/love/honor/marriage" at the same time. Thank you so much, by the way, for having a publicly available picture of my husband with you and a bunch of your lady friends at a bar. I love seeing it. It was beyond gracious of you to not only post it, but have it in several locations. Your friends must be wonderful women. The fact that no one has encouraged you to take it down, just speaks volumes about the depth of character you surround yourself with. I guess they all knew he was married. My gal pals and I often, upon learning of our friend's new married boyfriend, say, "You do you, girl!!!" We support each other like that.

I feel like I'm getting to know you from your FB public rants about various businesses in your area "Don't do business with XYZ!" It's really classy of you to call out local business owners that you've had negative dealings with. It shows me how you operate and I like what I see. You also rant a fair amount about your dealings with the general public. Good for you! Give 'em hell, my friend! On your FB! That's the spirit!

Speaking of seeing. You're a lady who really enjoys a night out at a bar, aren't you? I've never seen a woman in her mid 50s have so many pictures of herself in a bar with random men. It looks as if, and I could be wrong here, that it's super important to you to be seen as desirable and "hot."
Mission accomplished, my friend! Those bleary eyed gentlemen that you seem to find everywhere for a quick selfie, certainly says, "That's one in demand lady" to me. None of the gentlemen are ever seen again. Each bar visit seems to have its own photo op with a new fellow. I'm just spitballing here, but did you ever consider that a few of these men might just be numb nuts who stupidly took a pic in a bar with a stranger? And you've got them up for perpetual public view on your FB? Don't worry if your actions might cause trouble for someone (and I'm betting a few of said gentlemen are married/engaged in a relationship). It's just for kicks, right? Forget I said anything.

I have to believe you had the most magical, soul mate connection in your last marriage. The natural way to grieve isn't to take that special love that you've known and carry on with decency as a way to honor your departed spouse. It seems to make more sense to, not fall in love but just fill some time with a man who you really don't care about. Now that I write it, that DOES seem the best way to demonstrate to yourself and the world that you know what an amazing love looks like. Good on ya!

You're clearly a savvy business lady. A Realtor. I capitalized the R just to show I take you seriously. The pale denim blazer with the bold ecru lace border just screams "Serious Business Only." Great wardrobe choice. I heard Goldman is doing headshots soon and most of the ladies are searching for pale denim blazers. You've started something.

I need to run. You see my marriage actually didn't make it. But we started a new one instead. One where we are working really really hard to not have one of us **cough cough him** take our energy and put it outside the marriage. We are invited to a wedding in a month and I did decide to ask the married neighbor across the street if he would be my date. I'm super stoked. It's not a strange choice at all. Is it?

I love this and would absolutely send it. Lol

Thanks for the laugh! I need to attempt my own.

This is really hilarious, and it point out something I've been thinking: these people have some really twisted logic.

My husband's AP was the one who confronted me, because I am standing in the way of their happiness. (Not for much longer.) But I understood from her conversation that she divorced her husband because he cheated on her. This seemed to be a way of telling me she has some solidarity with me.

Muddled minds. Twisted logic. All the deep thought memes, duck lipped selfies, and snaps of the kids are not going to add up to integrity, but they keep fighting anyone who challenges that.

Bravo! It never ceases to amaze me how some of these butt nuggets justify their behavior. Love your dry sense of humor and acerbic wit! I certainly hope you're sharing all this with your WH in spades!

Great post. It’s like they manufacture these women somewhere and launch them out into the world to see if any shallow, stupid husbands latch on.

Thanks for the replies, everyone! The pen is mightier than the sword and I truly felt lighter after writing this. Maybe I will send it someday. But for now, it really helped me.

Thumbs up!

Fantastic!!!!

Yes!!! Love this!

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:36 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]

Loved this 😂🤣🤩

Really well done! But oh so true!

If I had to pen a letter to the last OW, it would go like this;

Dear Tattoo Girl:

My H is not your soul mate. He never was. He’s just a middle aged guy going through a mid life crisis who believes an affair is the answer to his "problems" or unhappiness.

And if I can add to the artwork you have tattooed all over your body, I would suggest a tattoo of the word Adulterer in s prominent spot. I know the boobs and chest and arms are filled with tattoos. Perhaps maybe your neck or forehead or whatever - I think you get the point.

And now that you are married you had better hold onto that husband of yours. Because one day you will turn 50 too and I hope.you don’t have some young woman trying to break up your marriage. Because YOU will never survive it.

Signed,

Karma’s a Bitch

Loved it!

Here is my imaginary letter:

Dear 70 year old woman who drinks lots,

Please do keep on drinking your wine every day…days of wine and roses.

But wait, no more roses for you…as my husband dumped you after living with you for only three months. The one concrete thing you have left out of this charade you had with my husband is the alcohol. I don’t feel bad for you, no, no. Alcohol will keep you happy.

Oh but wait, there is more. I know you wanted to take my place. And you did for three drunken months. Congratulations on that.

But there is an old saying and it goes like this:
« If someone is willing to cheat with you, they will cheat on you. As much as you hate to believe it, you’re not the exception to the rule. »

Guess what dear older woman, your love had a younger second widow he was wooing out of town. You were never exclusive. He was cheating on you all the time he was with you. Ouch! I bet you never suspected this out of the one you so happily welcomed into your house. It’s no wonder he was also drinking like there was no tomorrow, not because it made him feel good, but because he was coping with all his secrets, and drinking made him feel omnipotent. Well just like you.

Raise your glass to this news! Mind you it’s old news, but what the hell. You are in it already.

Oh and the next time you get this drunken urge to contact my husband, please do. Nothing will be your answer.

Why do you punish yourself so much? Have another one on me will you?

Cheers!

Ohhhhhh I want to play too!

Here's my parody letter:

Dear Gal Who Texts a Lot:

Although we’ve never met I feel like I know you. Reading your texts and Facebook instant messages to my H, getting to know all about you via Internet sleuthing has been a gas. Time well spent. Your online history is fascinating! So different from the financially solvent, care-free persona you showed my H. Like you have an evil twin. That is so cool! I always thought it would be neat to have a twin. Lucky you. Digging up your dirt was compelling - like reading a good book I just couldn’t put down. Or, like driving by a gruesome auto wreck where you know you shouldn't look, but you do anyway. Remember that yucky driver's ed film "Red Asphalt"? You're old enough to remember that. Yup, your life is like "Red Asphalt" and I love that about you. Kudos on the sheer number and broad scope of your online judicial records - evidence of a life lived with gusto. Multiple marriages/divorces, credit card default, monthly paycheck garnishments going back for years, defaults on your mortgage (your house went into foreclosure TWICE wow that’s impressive), cops coming to your address to arrest some guy for domestic violence and so on. You are one lady who likes living on the edge! My favorite online factoid -- you owe the trash company thousands of dollars. So much money they put a lien on your house! Must have taken years of being a deadbeat on the trash bill to get to that point. That took tenacity – good for you!

Enough gushing about your cool bad girl evil twin. I’m reaching out to compliment your texting skills. Your texting finesse is so---business like. Your photo curation ---comprehensive. Your emoji use --- picturesque. Each text was elegantly spare, so deliberately minimal. Like Haiku. I admire your efficiency. Digitally seducing my H took only a few minutes out of your day. In fact, your texting routine is so finely honed it’s like a well-programed chat bot. That’s a compliment! Special shout outs for how you'd mirror right back to my H what he just said while managing to shift the attention onto you. How you used the words "I" "Me" or "My" in practically every text. Way to keep it all about you! Idle chitchat about music, films, TV, sports or anything not focused on the tasks at hand (stroking my H's ego and getting ego kibble out of him) was studiously avoided. That must have been difficult! I feel for you there. You obviously maintain strict discipline while plying your craft. And, many years of diligent practice on many men to get your drill dialed in just right must have been grueling. Much respect for all that hard work! Which has clearly paid off. As they say, the proof is in the pudding - and in my H’s computer hard drive.

More stellar examples of your winning ways with a cell phone - how you habituated my H to your routine by texting him first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Like clockwork. So perfunctory! And the way you incrementally (and methodically) ramped up the sexual tension from a simmer to a boil. Like slowly boiling the proverbial frog in the proverbial pot of hot water. But my H was the frog LOL. Speaking of hot water, you sure enjoy taking a "nice long hot bath." A lot. Me too! And you sure appreciate your "nice soft warm bed." A lot. Me too! All that talk about bed and bath sure is sexy. Gee, we’ve got so much in common besides my H. We could be BFF!

Anyhooooo, I’ve got to run. My H is grilling dinner for me on the deck of our beautiful home (with a paid off mortgage) located in our expensive neighborhood. You learned all about that when you eyeballed our net worth didn’t you? Sorry your plan to poach my H didn’t work out. Failure to bag half my marital nest egg must have been frustrating (insert frownie face emoji). Not living out your fantasy to ride off into a golden retirement sunset on the back of my H's Harley (or in the passenger seat of our BMW sedan) was a big disappointment. But you’re a spunky gal who doesn’t give up easily. Heck, you worked on my husband for a year! Which shows you've got spouse poacher potential - if you stoop low enough, and keep it up (wink wink ;-) long enough. So, on to the next guy. Hey, I've been thinking, why don’t you share your texting routine with a broader audience – like Twitter? That’s a great idea! Fishing old high school boyfriends on Facebook is so limiting. Trawling for men on Twitter will yield more bites. I’d love to share my ideas for your Twitter campaign. How about this one - every time you mention that "nice long hot bath" or "nice soft warm bed" you tweet #BedBathAndBeyondSuperwhore. That hash tag could hook you a big fish. It's retweet gold! Take it. It’s yours. I’ve got a million more ideas for catchy Twitter hash tags that describe you perfectly. Call me.

XXXXOOO

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 6:25 PM, Sunday, March 27th]

Thank you to the writers of other imaginary letters. I have been crying with laughter. Some really funny stuff here. I hope it’s been as cathartic for you as it has been for me.

Yes. That was cathartic. And fun. I loved your letter! You have a knack for humorous writing.

***I'd like to add my own disclaimer***

Struggling financially sucks, and I don't wish that on anyone. One of my gripes with the AP is she purposefully hid her poor financial choices. And misrepresented her financial situation to mask her real goal - which was to bag my husband and 1/2 my net worth. She even used her married last name as a bragging point to distract my H from the fact her house and car were falling apart. One of her ex husbands is from a famous local family whose name is identifiable world wide. My H fell for that ruse. Stupid Shit Cheaters Say "She didn't want or need anything from me. She's got lots of money." I reminded him that if she really had money would she have to work several crummy jobs that involve scrubbing toilets to make ends meet? And marrying into a famous family doesn't mean squat once you're divorced. Especially if that family sold their interest in the corporation decades ago. Having a famous last name doesn't automatically imply $$$.

***Another disclaimer***

I don't solely blame the OW. My H is not an innocent lamb. He has agency. At each fork in the road he chose the route that led directly to her vagina. But it sure is fun to mock her.

Thanks to all the letter writers for putting a smile on my face.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:55 PM, Monday, September 20th]

If you've started to see some humor in life again, I recommend the 'Stupid Picture Friday' thread in the Fun and Games forum on SI.

Great letter!

I thought about writing the other women a letter and sending it, but was told by several friends that it wouldn't matter - if they cared about someone's wife they wouldn't have had an affair with a married man in the first place.

I did come up with this, though, and it still makes me laugh every time I read it!

Cockroaches and the Other Woman

(forgive the tacky play on the word!)

What do cockroaches and the other woman have in common?

1. Both have been around since Biblical times, and will be around 'til the end of days.

2. They both spend a lot of their lives in hiding, and prefer to operate under cover of darkness (literally and metaphorically).

3. They scatter when the light gets turned on (again, literally and metaphorically!)

4. Lots of people are affected by them but most are too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it.

The only difference? .... It's not illegal to exterminate roaches.

[This message edited by MakeMineReal at 8:10 PM, Sunday, September 19th]

Hate to rain on your parade

But isn’t it DH fault more then OW. How know what he told her. She did not make DH cheat, her DH is dead ( lDK really). So she is not cheating.

I know my H is to blame. Writing this made me laugh, so please, no lectures about not blaming OW.

I don't solely blame the OW. My H is not an innocent lamb. He has agency. At each fork in the road he chose the route that led directly to her vagina.

Deep sigh. I don't know why I'm bothering to respond to HarryD's post.
I guess the whole "getting my feelings out with a parody" thing went right over their head.

Of course the OW didn't MAKE my H betray our marriage! She didn't wave a magic wand that put my H under some kind of spell.

And, she ABSOLUTELY knew he was married! I imagine the OW parodied here also knew what the score was. No dead husbands for my H's AP either.

And, yes HE is responsible for his choices and is beholden to me. Not her. The OW didn't marry me.......
But, it is LEGITIMATE to feel dislike, disdain or even stronger emotions towards someone who knowingly set out to destroy my family, and to interfere in my marriage. I will NOT apologize for my feelings or ascribe more "fault" to my H than her. They are each 50% responsible for the affair. It takes two.

Jeez..... Not sure what the poster's point was here.