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So things were going well. Then the perfect storm hit. My WW mother passed away in Feb. The funeral is in august . I’m required to go to support my wife. I had an awful dream yesterday about wife and one of the guys she was talking to during her affair. Not the AP but a boyfriend from her past she would text when she got lonely. She met him once during her affair with the AP at her brothers place. Anyhow I woke up from my disturbing dream and told my wife about it. She hugs me says sorry yadeeda. So I’m trying to figure out these crappy feelings I haven’t had in awhile. I go do some yard work and work on some projects for camp. I come back in house and hear wife on phone to her sibling. Seems the brothers-in-law sold cottage to her old boyfriend. This happened months ago. She never told me. I’ve been estranged from brother-in-law since the affair due to the meeting of old boyfriend at his house during her affair. He lied to me about it I called him on it and we parted ways. So after I hear this wham full body panic attack. I’m hammered with going to funeral seeing both old boyfriend and brother-in-law and having to deal with that. We talked a couple of weeks ago about the funeral where she said she wanted me to be polite to brothers-in-law.. I said I would as I knew since my mother died the same year as the affair and I knew how much losing your mom hurts. I asked what about old boyfriend because he would probably show up.She said she would probably hug him and say thanks for coming. Bingo first trigger. At the time I tell her how that makes me feel. A couple weeks later we were talking about what she and boyfriend were talking about during. affair to AP.

And bingo second trigger because she said it wasn’t anything inappropriate. But at the time she said it was. So now Here i am with a panic attack. I tell wife about it. I ask why didn’t you tell me about the sale of cottage to old boyfriend. She says it happened months ago and didn’t mean anything to her. I get the feeling I’m being snowed. I tell her sometimes she gets it and sometimes she doesn’t. I go to bed in the spare room early. It’s been a long time since I’ve been thrown into a panic attack. Thought I was done with them. But I’m going to the funeral. Any thoughts on dealing with that ? I really don’t want anything to do with either the old boyfriend or brothers-in-law. But I’m going to have to be polite.

If the old boyfriend needs a hug he can get one from her brother.

Heck - I'm reading this and triggering for you!

I have had LTAP dreams in the past. And in hindsight I realized they were my gut talking.

OK - few things [and I realize easier said than done].

Your WW withheld a secret from you. NOT GOOD.

This old BF she's text when she "got lonely". Kept meetings/conversations/knowledge secret from you? That's an EA dude. Let's just call it what it is.

BIL is an ass. And while I get he may have to attend the funeral - good for you for being willing to be no more than cordial.

As for the old BF - that's a hard no from me. If you all happened to be there at the same time - at the very least you all should be at opposite ends of the room. No hugs, no chit chat, nothing.

I'm sorry her mother died. I'm sorry this will be hard for you. I'm sorry your BIL is a flaming horse's patoot. But old BF - can stay the F out of y'all's lane. IMHO he knows what he's doing.

Dude - I'm sorry. This is quite a lot. I hope you communicate all this to her. I hope she rises to the occasion and handles it well. And imposes and enforces some hard boundaries.

Set the boundary that your wife does not hug ex, that’s wildly inappropriate considering she is a wayward. She needs to get it before the funeral. Honestly it appears she is on a slippery slope again, withholding information, even if it doesn’t matter to her is still withholding information.

If you can avoid them, avoid them, if not see if employing some of the grey rock techniques will work for you such as:-

* keeping interactions brief

* giving short or one-word answers to questions

* communicating in a factual, unemotional way

Grey rock is great in these situations because you don’t owe them comfort or conversation and you make yourself as interesting as a grey rock that they move on and leave you alone.

Hate the nightmares!!! Unsure if this will help but I found sleeping in a cool room and not overheating my feet worked wonders. Of course having your WW empathise and understand is a faster solution but if you’re not feeling that, cool bedroom.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:50 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

Your WW has every right to ask you to attend the funeral to support her. YOU also have every right to ask her to support YOU at the same time.

BIL (WW's brother?) - if he hasn't apologized for his lies and betrayal then there is no reason to have any interaction. IMO, standing silently next to your WW while she talks to her brother is perfectly fine. Perhaps offer your condolences, that's it. There is no need for you to interact any more than that.

As for the ex-BF, he needs to keep his distance. Your WW can make up any stories she want, but it was clearly inappropriate and she needs to be aware and shown concern for YOUR feelings as well. Her mother's funeral does not give her a free pass to act in ways that are disrespectful to you and your M. If she cares about you, she would tell ex-BF NOW that he should not contact her any further and she does not wish to interact at the wedding. What is more important to her, the M (and your feelings) or protecting ex-BF's feelings? Her choice will tell you a lot.

Your triggering is a normal reaction to the trauma that your wife caused you. Sounds like her brother was complicit in her affair.

Inform your wife that she needs to do more than just say she's sorry. She must prove to you (through her interaction with the Ex at the funeral) that she is truly sorry. And, if she's truly sorry, she must do everything she can to minimize your discomfort.

I've been to many family funerals.

Make whatever arrangements you have to and plan to stick to your wife like glue when the EX is around.

It's entirely appropriate for you to stand beside her as her loving husband. Your presence alone discourages the Ex, minimizes chit chat with the Ex, and sends a message that you're a strong couple.

The old boyfriend (and friend of the BIL) has a right to pay his respects to the deceased. However, based on their past, he has no right to socialize with your wife.

Your wife, if she's truly sorry, will seek support from you, family, and other friends - not the EX.

Don't avoid the EX. Take control (you'll feel better). Look him in the eye (thank him for coming and reach out to shake his hand firmly).

Same with the BIL. Take control. All you need say to the BIL is: "I'm sorry for your loss."

Is there some sort of social gathering afterward?

If so, inform your wife that you guys won't be sitting with or chit chatting with the Ex.

Inform your wife that the funeral is not an opportunity for her to reconnect with the old boyfriend. No hugging - and no catching up talk.

Finally, IMO if the EX is present (even without the hugs) there's a very high risk that he'll reach out to her afterward. If so, will she tell you?

Triggers come from nowhere, and they hit hard. I'm 10+ years out. I haven't triggered in a long while, but I still feel vulnerable to them. Seven years seems like a long time, but the body remembers.

*****

All other things being equal, I'm on the fence about hugging XBF. But all other things AREN'T equal - it bothers you. I'd expect your W to honor your wishes.

I'm not sure of the appropriate consequences if she hugs him, though.

Ya I don’t know what an appropriate consequence is either. I like the taking control that I’m going to do. Anybody think of an appropriate consequence? I’m also going to shut BIL down when he wants to talk with it’s not the proper time or place for that conversation. It’s weird though. My wife gets it then doesn’t get it. Like she kind of sees it but doesn’t get it. I’ve come to accept this from her but looks like we are going to need to have the boundary talk again. Plan is to get in then out. But that will change as things progress.

JM,

Wait.... your WW is rewriting history about inappropriate conversations with her ex BF?

It's entirely inappropriate for anyone who supported your WWs affair to have contact with her, hugging an ex-BF???

Did you ever get a believable confession, timeline or polygraph???

Do you have other dirt on those two you can expose to their spouses before the event?

"Make whatever arrangements you have to and plan to stick to your wife like glue when the EX is around."

I know this event is over, but just wanted to add that it is entirely appropriate to have bouncers at funerals.

It doesn't have to be disruptive unless the person being bounced makes a scene, in which case he/she must immediately be removed.

A bouncer can just walk up to person and say please pay your respects, but do not touch, or interact with WS/BS in any way. A simple, glance at any memory display and assuming it is ok with spouse and ww a quick "I am sorry" from at least five feet away, then leave. If the AP can not do this, they need to stay away. honestly if he she had any common sense, he/she would not even attend the service.

We had a long chat Friday night in which she was totally against my wishes on nc during funeral. This is a guy who was a former boyfriend she confided in during her affair with another guy and is a friend of her FOO. I went to bed with the let’s agree to disagree because it was going nowhere. Woke up to an entirely different person. Agreed she was being defensive , said she was feeling extremely guilty over all of it since she “fucked up” Hopes he doesn’t come. Anyhow she agreed to my terms . Funeral isn’t for another month due to covid so i have got time to get my game face on. Plan is to go to funeral and leave right after. She really doesn’t want to interact with her family so I’m good with that. Her huge fear is the kids finding out through BIL saying something. We didn’t tell them at the time. But she lives in fear of that. Just another port of call of the old infidelity cruise line. I really thought we were putting this shit behind us. She also told me that the ex-boyfriends wife messeged her giving condolences for her mom. That probably increased the old guilt/shame . We had met her and her kids years ago after the affair to the other AP and my wife was almost in tears after. Seems the problem is she goes really defensive then it sinks in and she gets it. I’ve found if I don’t over react and talk about how things make me feel it works much better than being angry and shouting. She is trying so that’s a good thing. And yes in my opinion it was an emotional affair between her and the old boyfriend. Her brother would feed her things about him like his wife doesn’t have sex with him and crap like that . Then they met up at BILs place. It was really weird. So years ago I had it out with him and we haven’t spoken since. He’s tried to apologize a few times but it was a deal breaker for me. I’ve enjoyed the peace and lack of drama. But he will be at the funeral and I will have to deal with him so I will go grey rocks. Infidelity creates a mess that still needs to be cleaned up years later.

I get the feeling I’m being snowed.

That's because you were being snowed. Sounds like she gets it now.

I’ve found if I don’t over react and talk about how things make me feel it works much better than being angry and shouting.

It's the difference between communicating and manipulating, and it is all the difference in the world. Good on ya.

Someone should ask the x-BF not to come. He can visit the grave some other day.

Sending strength!

Remind your wife that the EX does not need comforting from her in the form of a hug; nor does he have a right to a hug.

Remind her that he only has a right to pay his respects to the deceased. She owes him nothing (not even a smile).

Stick to her like glue during the funeral. If she waivers, hold her hand as he approaches (and don't let go).

When it gets closer, perhaps role play appropriate responses ahead of time, especially what to do if he goes in for a hug.

If it were me, I’d ask her who are the people she cares about and whose feelings are important to her. If you’re not at the top of that list to the exclusion of all others then you got a problem.

In my marriage people who make the other uncomfortable are completely removed from our lives.

I recommend that you speak very plainly to your wife and let her know if she cannot make your happiness a priority over all others then it’s probably best you work to amicably end this relationship as best as possible

I’m glad she changed her tune, but will it last. I’d make it clear that if it does not you will no longer tolerate her see sawing and that you no longer will trust her to have your back.

You’ve already been through too much to play these games anymore.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:36 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

I feel pretty strongly about this subject, which prompted me to register to be able to respond to you.

There is a reason XBF is an X, and it should remain that way. He has no business attending your MIL's funeral. I know it may sound somewhat extreme, but if it were me ... and I have had to do something very similar ... I would have your WW send a message through her brother to tell XBF that he is not welcome at the visitation or funeral, and then inform the funeral home staff of your wishes and have him denied entry if he won't respect your wishes.

Regarding BIL, until he offers you a sincere apology that you ACCEPT, then there is no reason for you to interact with him at all. Be there for your WW ... stay glued to her side during the visitation and funeral and just ignore BIL.

NC means NO CONTACT and its purpose is to remove toxic people from your life PERMANANTLY.

[This message edited by ButAnyway at 3:20 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]