SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my son is nearly 15. Since the divorce, he’s become angry and disrespectful toward me. He’s not that way with his dad, which his dad quick to point out. His dad and girlfriend are likely moving in together soon. I don’t care much except she has four kids. We have three. I’m a little sad for my kids but I’m sure it sometimes works out.

Here’s the thing. Life with my son is not peaceful. He ignored all of my rules and boundaries. He gets in my face. He says things I never would have imagined him saying. Tonight, he brought food in my bedroom. I asked him to eat it on the floor. When he didn’t, I took it and moved it and he said, “why are you always bitching?” It’s always like this.

So I tell him he’s grounded. He says, “when dad and his girlfriend get a house, I want to move in. At least she will treat me better.” Ok. I know it was meant to hurt. But honestly, I’m trying to decide the right thing here. His dad works nights so this kid is wanting to live with his dad’s girlfriend for the most part? Do I let him go? Fight?

He's fifteen and I can't see a judge forcing him to stay if his father's home isn't an immediate threat.

No you do not let him go.

He’s pushing boundaries. Kids do that. It is expected.

I suggest having a calm rational discussion. Tell him you want to help him and you want to understand what he’s thinking and feeling.

Maybe he needs some professional help.

Tell him you want to communicate better. Ask him what you can do to help achieve that. Let him give suggestions if he’s willing to do that.

Set ground rules that he cannot curse at you. He needs to learn to communicate his anger or problems in a healthy way.

Is there a person in your family that is a good male role model for your son? That really helped my son.

So, on the situation tonight, he came into your room. That means he wants to be around you. I probably would have gone with him to the kitchen and sat down at the table while he ate. I think sometimes kids are so rude to us because they want to be able to yell and say, “My Life Is So F****d Up Right Now”, but they can’t express it that way.

And no, I didn’t let my kids live with their Dad, bc on SI several people said they let their teens live with the WS, paid child support, then the WS sent the kids back home at 18. The kids were used for child support and were mentally screwed up when they came back.. I guess if my son had really pushed it, I would have been court ordered to..

(((demolished)))

Thank you. I’ll keep fighting the good fight.

Hi demolishedinside,

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's possible that he's lashing out at you because you are the safe person who allows him to be angry at the situation?

I know it's hard, but is your son in any kind of counseling?

He was in counseling. First I forced him to go. He didn’t like her. So then we tried counselors who went into school. Then Covid. He tells me he won’t do counseling at all. I tried to talk him into it but he’s past the age where I can strong arm him into what’s good for him. School knows I want him to do it. She said she’d call him down and keep trying. So no. Not right now. But umm not kidding that this kid is stubborn as hell and smart. So I never saw anything change because of the counseling. He knows I love it and go. All of my kids have learned to say when they need help to process something. In fact , my daughter came to me two nights ago and asked me to contact the school counselor to help her with friends.

What I hate the most is that I always have been close with my kids. I know the teenage years are different but I can’t gauge what is that and what is from the divorce. Meanwhile, his dad is his best friend. I get it. I’m glad he’s in their lives and that they love everyone. But damn, it ducks being the punching bag after everything. I’m so happy in my new relationship and work was going well. It just seemed like I can’t catch a break at home—the one place I really do need to be a safe, happy place.

My parents were divorced and my dad had limited parenting time and then moved out of state and I think I saw him like a week over summer and at thanksgiving usually? Maybe once more throughout the year? I didn’t love going and I never talked to him about my feelings or anything. My mom was and is wonderful. I have always had a really good relationship with her. But I still told her I wanted to move in with my dad more than once. It was meant to hurt her and I think at an age when you have such little control and power it’s something you can say and be like look I have some power here.

I would just smile and tell him you would miss him terribly and then let it go. If he pushed or brought it up outside of an argument I would tell him that you and his dad and a judge all decided that it was best for him to live with you and that you are open to including him in the conversation about the future but you ask that he tables it for 60 days or something and then see how he feels.

Emotions are so flipping high right now with the pandemic. Everyone is driving everyone crazy. I imagine you are in the far majority of households who would say they are seeing horrible behavior in their teenagers right now.

If your son is old enough legally to make the decision to go live with one parent vs the other, you may not have much choice. And his dad should be involved in his teen years to help guide him into manhood. You might talk with an IC and find out all the consequences / issues.

You be the best parent that you can be.

You are not his buddy or his pal. You are his mom.

You set boundaries and you stick to them. If that means that he moves in with his dad, then that's what it means. My GF was angry as hell at her mom when she was a teenager and she moved in with her dad. Today, she describes her dad as a piece of shit (she loves him still... but he was an alcoholic and well... a piece of shit) and she loves her mom very much.

He’s not that way with his dad, which his dad quick to point out.

when dad and his girlfriend get a house, I want to move in. At least she will treat me better.

These quotes are either dishonest or your ex is a bad dad. That is, he might be your son's buddy/pal, rather than a parent. Your son needs you to be the parent, especially if you ex is going the buddy-rather-than-parent route.

I set myself a goal to be my kids' favorite parent when they are 22 years old. You need to play the long game.

I was a boundary pusher with my mom in school. Was a little shit with missing assignments and poor grades because I did not want to study. I started slowly with 1 missing assignment that later turned into 3. All the while, my mom was begging me to fix myself, then I managed to reach a record high of 25 missing assignments. She got her head out of the sand and started punishing me.

1. Took away ALL electronics. (Still did not learn).

-TV

-Laptop

-Cell phone

-Xbox/ Playstation

2. Started reading books to pass the time, fantasy, and sci-fi. She took all that away. (Started to get my head out of the sand)

3. Took away my bed and had to sleep in a sleeping bag in my mom's and dad's room. (Head was out of the sand).

4. I had a slip up with a missing assignment when she had her foot off the pedal. So she sat with men in class for the ENTIRE week! Was very embarrassed and angry.

I HATED my mom during this phase of life, but when I left the house and entered college, I realized all the tough love she put me through. I do love my mom still. My parents are not divorced, and no infidelity was involved, but please reinforce boundaries with your son. Kids who have been spoiled in their teenage years and finally head out to college usually could not deal with "real life" when they flew off on their own. My mom was the "villain" in my eyes, during this period of time. Sometimes people need a villain in their life so they get their head out of the sand.