SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just over one week ago I found out my wife of 15 years was having an affair. We have two young kids. I suspected things from time to time but always found a way to convince myself I was wrong.

Two weeks ago I read a story about someone who had their car stolen but were able to locate it with the cars GPS. I downloaded the app. One week later my wife left for work and when I checked the cars location it was not at her work. The next few hours were a strange feeling. Knowing that she was likely with someone.

When she got home I asked a question about the office. She lied. I told her that I knew she wasn’t at the office. “What do you mean?” She said. I repeated myself. She was visibly uncomfortable. I asked if she was having an affair and she said yes. The rest is a bit of a blur but it had been going on for 8 months. Working from home nearly everyday meant they had limited opportunities to meet. I worked out it was about 6 to 8 times.

Since then it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Tears several times a day from both of us.

Confusion, anger, despair, depression, feeling alone.

She says it’s over. I believe her. I have seen my wife cry maybe 5 times in over 15 years. In the last week she has cried over 20 times. I know she is remorseful. She says she loves me but we both know that we not being meeting eachothers emotional needs for a long time. She also has had an ability to draw a line through something and move on. Much like how we argue. She moves on quickly. It takes me a little longer.

To my surprise, I have been able to see clearly at many times. For the first 48 hours I didn’t know what to do.

I called a men’s help line. It was difficult. I cried for so long but it helped.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to face this alone. I told a person I trust most. It helped. I tried to call a therapist but none were available so I called the men’s helpline again. That person helped me too. They put me onto a relationship helpline. I called them. They helped a great amount too. There advice was simple....

“You don’t need to make any decisions yet. Take it day by day. Look after yourself. Go for a walk. Exercise will help”.

Up until then the pain was unbearable. And while I knew and know I don’t need to make a decision now, I have quite an imaginative mind. I have looked at the future and my greatest concern and fear is that no matter which path I took, there would be so much pain along the way. Pain that might never go away. If in the future I left, the pain of being away from my kids and the person I love would be so much. If I stayed, the pain of remembering what she did might be too much. That is a part of my personality. I have always found it hard to let go and forget painful things.

I went for a walk. I actually walked through a cemetery. At one moment I stopped to pray. I cried the whole time. I continued to walk and had a couple of moments of clarity.

I came across a grave of a 14 year old girl. I realized that so many people experience pain everyday. Pain that is worse than what I am experiencing. Further into my walk a sat alone in the cemetery. A calmness came over me and I realized that while both paths ahead (staying together or leaving) will bring a lot of pain, I also saw that both could also bring a new happiness.

My biggest concern though is that I won’t be able to forget and I want to find a path which bring me the most happiness and least amount of pain. Being away from my kids is unbareable but maybe the pain of staying and not forgetting a sufficient amount is worse. How do you ever make that decision though? Especially when I am an indecisive person.

Where are we now? I asked my wife to leave for a few days. She is back now with my permission. I know I have the capacity to forgive but forgetting enough to be happy.... I am not sure.

I know that I need individual help and that my wife and I also need help. Whether we stay together or not, I know counseling will help. I am booked in for my first session with a psychologist tomorrow. I am hoping they can teach me strategies to forgive, forget and be future focused. We then see a different marriage counselor together later this week. I am hoping they can help us find a path through this

I find myself looking for hope. I love my wife but can I forget enough to be happy? If I can’t forget enough to be happy, is being away from my kids a worse pain?

I do see some hope but there is so much more pain ahead

Sorry, you find yourself being served the shit sandwich. Cheaters will lie A LOT! Especially when they are first caught.

I recommend you hold off on Marriage counseling or find someone that has experience with infidelity. You may hear the following in MC

"What could you have done better in the marriage to prevent her from stepping out.".

This puts blame on the victim. Last I checked, nobody has a perfect marriage. We cannot read the mind of our spouse. The affair is not your fault 100% blame is on your wife.

I recommend you start to detach yourself from your wife. Sleep in a different room, and the 180.

1. Speak with a lawyer. Just to look at your options.

2.Purchase a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder). Make sure the affair is over.

3. Distance yourself from your wife. Look at her actions, not her words.

4. Individual therapy for yourself.

5. Demand a timeline. (Have her read it out loud.)

Questions for you.

1. How long was the affair (cheaters will trickle truth)? Is she stuck in the" affair fog."?

2. Who was the Affair partner? If he is a coworker, she needs a new job.

3. If AP is married, your wife needs to confess to the Other Betrayed Spouse.

4. Did anyone know of her affair, and helped support it? They have to go.

Here is a link to the healing library. Top left-hand corner

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

[This message edited by BigNoob at 2:41 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

I'm sorry that you're here but you have come to the best place to help you go through your difficult situation, look at your member number, the collective wisdom of SI is here to offer support, that being said, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, Bignoob already gave you some of the basic steps you should take but I will try to elaborate some more about some of those.

Your WW (Wayward Wife) is now a proven cheater and a liar, cheaters typically just admit to what can be proven. There's a big difference between being "remorseful" and being "regretful", at this point what you're seeing is not remorse but more than likely "regret" for being caught, had you not caught her the A would still be ongoing, now just because you now know about it, it doesn't mean that it's ended (sometimes they take it deep underground) or that it won't resume in the future.

You're mentioned that you want to R and forgive her but that you fear you will never forget, well let me tell you right now that after reading hundreds of stories I don't recall a single one of them where the infidelity was forgotten, infidelity is trauma and such a huge betrayal is practically impossible to forget, but you can certainly overcome it, that's why this site is called "Surviving Infidelity (SI). Again you mentioned you want R (Reconciliation), so here's a few steps you should take immediately:

1) FULL EXPOSURE without warning, Nothing kills an A faster than full exposure, expose her A with all family and close friends without warning and with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any. I cannot emphasize this enough, this is probably the most important step, As thrive in the dark and exposure shines a light on them, exposure typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate POSOM and the less likely she will be to cheat in the future. It helps to break the proverbial "fog" (limerance) and also with remorse. Without true remorse (not just regret) a successful R is simply impossible. Also after exposure with OBS if any, POSOM will likely throw your WW under the bus in an effort to save his own M, you could compare notes and it typically provides a second set of eyes to help ensure NC.

2) She needs to send an NC FOREVER text to POSOM, one that you approve and watch her send it, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes), also make sure she doesn't delete the message after being sent. If they work together one has to leave the job.

3) She needs to offer FULL on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords, no questions asked. If she tries the "your invading my privacy card" (IMHO there should not be such a thing) tell her she lost that the second she decided to cheat.

4) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health.

5) Demand she writes a detailed timeline of the A (subject to a polygraph) and read it out loud to you, it helps with remorse and prevents her from changing her story in the future.

6) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, ask the attorney about a postnuptial agreement, you should demand she signs one in case she cheats again, remember she's now a proven cheater and liar and you need to protect yourself and your family financially.

7) Demand she takes a polygraph, remember cheaters lie and this may not necessarily be her first rodeo.

8) DO NOT DO the "Pick Me Dance", IT NEVER WORKS, be decisive, those who act swiftly typically have faster and better results no matter the outcome D or R.

9) Demand she goes to IC with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important), forget MC for now, this soon is typically a waste of time and money, we've seen this play out hundreds if not thousands of times.

All these are CONSEQUENCES for her huge betrayal, the A was NOT your fault, problems in the M you own 50/50, the A was her decision and 100% her fault, you were in the same M and didn't cheat. If she refuses to comply, then just file for D and have her served without warning, you can always stop it if she comes around and decides to do the heavy lifting to restore the M she destroyed, of course at that point you may not even want her back and that's ok too, for some people infidelity is simply just a dealbreaker.

Keep posting frequently, others will chime in, the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situation.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:12 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

She says she loves me but we both know that we not being meeting eachothers emotional needs for a long time.

I think the first thing you need to know is that you aren't responsible AT ALL for your WW's choice to cheat. Cheating is always about the cheater. No one can MAKE someone throw away their own integrity or disrespect their own values. Think about it. You believe in fidelity. You've got boundaries in place protecting that core value. You were in the same marriage your WW was in. But YOU didn't cheat.

Cheaters have a gap between their stated values, things like Fidelity and Honesty, and their actual deeds, Cheating and Lies. There's wiggle room there which people who truly value those things don't have. There's a "but..." in the cheater's core values. ie "I believe in Fidelity, but... not if I'm not getting my emotional needs met." That "but..." doesn't exist for you and me. It doesn't exist for all of us who rely on our own integrity, who would never be able to look at ourselves in the mirror the same way again if we acted in opposition to our values.

So, this kind of sums up you need to happen. You need your WW to somehow, some way, figure out what she truly believes and then honor those values. Some can. But some can't. Some will never achieve the kind of character which insists on integrity in relation to one's values, and because they don't REALLY believe, they never build the appropriate boundaries. These types can never be trusted, no matter how many crocodile tears they shed. As BS, we don't have control over that. We can't set core values in other people. But we've all seen what happens when your partner doesn't really share your values.

It's too early to determine whether your WW is truly "remorseful". That becomes evident over TIME as you observe whether or not she takes full responsibility for the defects in her character and what she's willing to do in order to remediate them. It's humbling and exhausting internal work, which leaves no stone unturned in the WS's search for moral growth, and it's not for the faint-hearted. Time tells all tales though, and when a WS is faking their remorse, it will invariably show through their work ethic.

A word about "Emotional Needs". Please beware of this pop-psy nonsense. It's been around for decades and many therapists still trot it out to unsuspecting couples who don't know better. Believe me, it sounds pretty good, like it all makes sense. I bought into it myself once. About six years ago, I caught my WH on a Craigslist binge, multiple sexual partners with varying degrees of emotional attachment. But ten years before that, I'd caught him in a whole mess of online shenanigans, cyber sex and emotional affairs. At that time, we dutifully turned out for MC, read some books, and were told we'd been neglecting each other's "Emotional Needs". So, of course, I upped my wife game, took all kinds of personal responsibility for the utter LACK of my WH's integrity, and catered to his ass for many years afterward. Little did I know that he was back online within four years and had worked up his nerve to go live and in person in ten. This is the "pick me" dance on steroids, therapist-approved. And it never works because "emotional needs" weren't the problem. Character is the problem. A dearth of integrity is the problem. Slippery core values and nonexistant boundaries are the problem. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. And don't allow anyone else to blame you either. You can't MAKE your WW respect herself.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're going to be okay. You're surrounded by people here at SI who have been where you are, so it DOES get better. It just takes an awfully long time. Be sure to engage in excellent self-care. Eat right, sleep when you can, hydrate, avoid alcohol completely, get some light exercise. See your medical doctor for STD testing and to discuss stress management. See an attorney (or three) to find out what your options look like. Knowledge will empower you. Read and post. KNOW that even when the pain seems relentless that it is temporary and finite.

Strength to you as you process.

I have looked at the future and my greatest concern and fear is that no matter which path I took, there would be so much pain along the way. Pain that might never go away. If in the future I left, the pain of being away from my kids and the person I love would be so much. If I stayed, the pain of remembering what she did might be too much.

Welcome to SI. The club nobody wants to joint.

Here on SI, we frequently refer to infidelity as feeding the betrayed husband (BH) a "shit sandwich". Your quote, above, describes the shit sandwich with exact precision. Your wayward wife (WW) has just handed one to you, and because of her decisions and choices, this is your only menu. You can thank her for presenting you with that Hobson's choice (stay married to a woman who decided to fuck another man, or don't stay married). Essentially, "the Devil you know versus the Devil you don't know."

I'd recommend as a first step that you go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page). Find "Joseph's Letter", print it out, read it, and give it to your WW. Also, read about The 180. This is NOT a punishment for your WW. It is a tool to give yourself some psychological space so that you can find your heart's truth.

If you think your marriage might be a candidate for reconciliation (R), there are two books that are usually recommended here: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald, and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You ought to read them, and have your WW read them too.

What I have observed from years here on SI is that details matter. It is natural and normal that you will have feelings of anger and betrayal. However, you should also expect to feel things like emotional trauma, emasculation, and sexual humiliation.

I would note a particular quote in your OP that jumped out at me:

She says she loves me but we both know that we not being meeting each others emotional needs for a long time. She also has had an ability to draw a line through something and move on. Much like how we argue. She moves on quickly. It takes me a little longer.

"We both know that we were not meeting each others emotional needs for a long time." That is blame-shifting. A very common initial response. Keep in mind that you were in the same "not meeting needs" marriage that she was, but you didn't decide that the way you would resolve this would be to fuck another woman. In contrast, your WW decided that her approach would be to decide to fuck another man.

This dovetails with the rest of your statement: "She also has had an ability to draw a line through something and move on." This is a soft way of saying she has a short fuse and perhaps is less invested in the marriage than you are. Have you been walking on eggshells for a long time in a self-sacrificing attempt to preserve/salvage the marriage? Perhaps this is an opportunity to take a clear-eyed look at the actual woman you are married to, as opposed to the fantasy woman you wish you were married to. Your actual wife: short-tempered, moves on easily, makes conscious decisions to lie and sneak and fuck another man rather than invest herself into improving the marriage. That is your actual wife.

I point that out because R only works if she seeks individual counseling (IC)to figure out what is broken in her moral compass that prevents her from investing into the marriage and choosing instead to have sex with somebody else. To make herself into somebody new. Somebody worthy of your trust. Somebody you would choose to marry if you met them today.

Which leads me to another quote from your OP:

I am booked in for my first session with a psychologist tomorrow. I am hoping they can teach me strategies to forgive, forget and be future focused. We then see a different marriage counselor together later this week. I am hoping they can help us find a path through this

Why is she not booked for IC? She is the one with the fucked up moral compass. She is the one who decided that her marital vows were conditional. She is not a safe partner to you.

Until she is fixed, MC (marital counseling) is a waste of time. In fact, it's likely to be a negative. SI is the source of huge amount of crowdsourced knowledge gleaned from first-hand experience with infidelity. Bottom line is that MC doesn't work where one partner is not married. Your WW's definition of marriage, at present, is that she is free to choose a secret, one-sided open relationship if she wishes. You can't fix a marriage where one partner has that mindset.

Besides, MC's are mostly charlatans who don't seek the truth and have zero experience with sexual trauma. Rather, they try to keep couples married, even unhappily. They will mostly try to get the BH to blame himself for his WW's decision to take off her panties and allow another man to put his dick inside of her. The will use words like "mistake", as in, "forgive her mistake". She did not make a mistake. A mistake is forgetting your car keys, or using baking soda instead of baking powder.

Your WW made probably hundreds of individual decisions as she strategized how to set up lies that you would believe so she could go have sex with another man, then return home and look you in the eye and lie some more.

In fact, if I understand your OP correctly, your WW started her A in the context of pandemic quarantine. Somehow, she met another man and decided she wanted to fuck him. Therefore, she set up a mechanism to get out of the house under a plausible explanation that you would believe. And she continued this through most of 2020. That's a lot of effort for some dick 6-8 times.

Among other things, she exposed you and your kids to a secret vector of possible Covid contamination. Because she wanted another man's dick inside her. Also, assuming the sex was unprotected, she exposed you to STD. By the way, no sex with the WW until you have both been tested.

As an aside, who is the AP? A friend? Co-worker? Former lover? Is he married? You should absolutely tell his betrayed wife (BOW), and do it without first telling your WW. If the tables were turned, wouldn't you want the BOW to tell you? It's the right thing to do.

How do you know now that they are NC (No Contact)? Have you seen their text messages or other communications?

Your post, quite frankly, is infused with hopium (the most abused drug of BH's everywhere) and an undercurrent of what we call the "pick-me dance". Please hear us: this never works. You cannot "nice" her back. The betrayed husband never succeeds in driving R. R ONLY works if your WW takes up the laboring oar, reads the books outlined above, offers up boundaries, takes affirmative steps to fix herself and the marriage.

Tell your WW that you understand her decision to secretly open up her side of the marriage, but that this is not consistent with your definition of marriage. Tell her that she is free to continue seeking other partners. You will not stand in her way. But she can't do it as your wife. Therefore, you will be taking steps to end the marriage. If she feels that she can change herself into a person you want to be married to, then she can come to you with that proposal.

Remember, actions speak. Words are meaningless. Right now, her actions are to decide that she is free to have sex outside the marriage and only supposedly stops when caught. Her words are meaningless.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:14 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

I am booked in for my first session with a psychologist tomorrow. I am hoping they can teach me strategies to forgive, forget and be future focused. We then see a different marriage counselor together later this week. I am hoping they can help us find a path through this

You seem to be setting yourself up to rugsweep this. That is a recipe for keeping this pain longer and making it worse. You just want to forgive and forget and are solely focused on how YOU are going to do that alone.... NO, no, no... YOu WW needs to help you heal. Your wife needs to earn back your trust. Your WW doesn't get to say sorry...won't do it again and move on while you are reliving and questioning everything about your marriage.

Why is rugsweeping the worse thing you can do? First off I don't believe it can really be done. But let's say you go to IC and MC and they teach tell you to take up a new hobby with your WW so you will be busy doing that and forget about her cheating... Well Cheaters lie so a couple weeks into your juggling class you find out the Affair has been going on a year. You take up another hobby together as a distraction and find out that he goes to the same gym as your WW so they see each other occasionally... another DD...What I'm trying to say is that you CANT just forgive and forget and go to MC to learn how to fix the problems in your marriage. The Marriage wasn't the problem that ultimately broke your marriage. Your WW affair was. You have to get all truth out. She has to earn your trust back... Give you a timeline of what happened when and for how long. So you know what you are trying to forgive. She should read books on how to help your Spouse heal from an affair, she should give you access to her phone and computer without deleting anything... she should let you see her NC letter to the OM before she sends it.

Cancel Marriage Counsleing it will only hurt the marriage at this point. When she asks why tell her that you will take the blame for 50% of the problems in the marriage but the Affair is 100% on her and the Affair is what killed the marriage. She needs to go to IC to figure out why she thought cheating was an option.

You need a remoresful spouse inorder to Reconcile. what has she DONE (not said) to make you feel safe in the marriage. Crying doesn't count, she's crying because she feels sorry for herself or OM.

Finally BigNoob wrote something in his list of to do's that I am strongly against. Your WW should not be the one to out the affair to the OBS you should. This is a kindness to the OBS not a punishment for your WW. Nobody wants to hear about their husbands affair from the OW. Also you will not have any control over when or how it is done. Please tell the OBS as soon as possible about your WW affair with her husband. It's the kind thing to do and will stop the affair quicker than anything else. Do not tell your WW you are going to do it. Do not try to blackmail the OM. Just call up the OBS and tell her the truth. It's the right thing to do. She needs to know what's going on in her marriage.

how did your WW meet the OM?

did WW send the OM a NC letter?

has WW parents and the OMW been told?

I'm so sorry you are here, nbu29. It is the club no one ever wanted to join. Given that, it is probably the best place you could have found. I wish I had years ago.

I haven't read through all of the responses you've had so far. I've been here a long time. I know the responses you would have got from those above me other than BigNoob because of how many times I've seen their input. It will be spot on as BigNoob's is.

I just have a little to add.

I would recommend not doing MC (marriage counselling) now. Too many times the betrayed is re-traumatized and asked to take on responsibility of their WS's adultery. There is nothing you did or did not do that made her commit adultery. It is entirely on her. Entirely. 100%. With MC the marriage is the patient and most (but not all) MC will do some blameshifting (getting you to take blame) and rugsweeping (just cover it up and forget about it. Most MC is about communication. Right now communication isn't the issue. Your WW fucking around is.

About the timeline. It has to be detailed. There will be a tendency to vague and skim over things. For it to be effective it needs to be coldly complete. It is to both give you some clarity about what went on and to make the WS look at the whole ugly picture. They don't like that because it makes them look bad. It can also provide information to question further. It seems most WS's will only admit to what they think the BS can prove. You worked out it was 6 or 8 times. What has your WW admitted to?

This is a long, hard, vicious roller coaster. It doesn't matter if you R or D. BTW, her tears now mean nothing. They are very likely for herself. She got caught. They are likely about regret which is about her and not remorse which is about you, your marriage and your children. You said yourself that she can just push something aside and move on.

You say your WW says it's over. How did it get to be over? When did she make it over? What proof do you have that it is over? Lying cheaters are liars who lie.

Tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). Do not tell your WW that you are going to do it.

One good thing I got out of your opening post, nbu, is that your WW finally came clean during your first confrontation. Mine never did for years confrontation after confrontation. A small thing that maybe means nothing.

Hang in there, nbu29. Stay here. There is lots of painfully gained wisdom and experience here. We don't want you to make the same mistakes we made. I made so, so many. I would also recommend a book. It is "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchel.

The decision of R or D is yours to make. It is a very difficult decision. It doesn't have to be made right away. The decision to R doesn't mean that R is inevitable. It might still be a dealbreaker. Good luck to you, sir.

Cancel the marriage counseling appointment. Don't waste your time right now. It is equivalent to going to see a family practice doctor when you have 6 to 8 gunshots wounds bleeding profusely, taking your temperature and giving you a shot of penicillin so you won't have an infection.

You say that the A is over. How do you know? Did she tell you who AP was? Did she tell you how they met? Communicated? How long it went on? If you HADN'T caught her, how much longer would it have gone on? Have you thought of that?

You have to remember that your WW is a liar and you really shouldn't believe anything she has to say right now. She needs to prove to you what she saying is the truth.

She may be crying for many different reasons. Maybe it is remorse. Or maybe she's scared that her life is messed up or she's losing the AP, or that she was caught, or many other reasons.

I have to agree with Freeme. You seem ready to rugsweep the A and accept everything your WW is telling you. That is a recipe for disaster.

As others have said, focus on yourself and your healing. Once you are stronger, THEN you can decide how you want to proceed. Right now, you are not in a good position to make a decision to R. You are too emotional. It happens to everyone. Give yourself some time.

The roller coaster is to be expected, you’ve just been hit with betrayal trauma. It hurts like hell.

No tears in front of her anymore.

You don’t know yet if it’s over. It’s like alcoholism…just one more drink…You’ll need some time to figure this out. Take the time you need to decide what is right for you. But first and foremost you need to get out of infidelity. One way or the other, get out of infidelity by following the advice here.

Do not do the “pick me dance,” look it up.

If there is a spouse on the other side, you need to let her know. You cannot let another victim continue to be victimized. That ain’t right.

Take care of yourself, eat, drink, sleep, and exercise. You need to focus on you and these four things do just that. Don’t worry if you are just barely functioning at the moment, one day at a time start climbing out of the hole your wife just threw you in.

Cancel the marriage counseling, NOW. Absolutely no marriage counseling at the moment, fuck that. Marriage is like a house…the roof may leak and the kitchen needs updating, but your wife just set the fucking house on fire with you in it and had no concern for your safety. The marriage counselor is going to talk about updating the kitchen. You need to make sure everyone is safe, put the fire out, repair the fire damage, then maybe you can talk about updating the kitchen and fixing the roof, but that is a long way off at the moment.

Read as much as you can here. You’re still in for a roller coaster ride, so buckle up and get ready.

She says she loves me but.....

There is no but. She does or does not. Do not accept that. What she is doing is called blameshifting. This approach allows her to control the narrative. The person who controls the narrative is in emotional control of any situation.

You appear to be bending over to do whatever it takes to fix you. That is fine but what is she doing? Crying?

You are early at this so know you will make missteps. But know that she will too. Understand that she is emotionally involved with her affair partner and she is not going to flip a switch and poof he is out of her mind. There will be attempts at recontact. Often, the WW will act like she is all in when in fact the A goes underground, often for a long time.

One of the highly recommended approaches while doing the 180 is to take back your life through action. One of the best things to do is talk to his BW. She can provide information that you need.

Another is to not accept vague responses. 6 or 8 times? Cmon. Unless this has been going on for years, she can pinpoint every time and place. Her blowing you off with this canard is very concerning.

Another thing you should do is see your MD. There are things that can be done to help you sleep and deal with anxiety.

And finally, see a divorce lawyer and fully understand your rights. Knowledge is power. You are not sure you can stay married. You have to be armed in case she decides she wants out.

By doing these things, you begin to control what you can and that will help you face what comes next.

nbu29

I suspected things from time to time but always found a way to convince myself I was wrong

Had you ever told your WW of your concerns? Did she deny or tell you that you were crazy or did you just not share your concerns?

When she got home I asked a question about the office. She lied. I told her that I knew she wasn’t at the office. “What do you mean?” She said. I repeated myself. She was visibly uncomfortable

Your WW lied to you repeatedly

I asked if she was having an affair and she said yes

This is different than a confession; this is simply being confronted and her knowing she had been busted.

She says it’s over. I believe her

I don't think I would be able to believe her at this point. I would recommend that you hear her words but watch her actions and reactions.

I find myself looking for hope

Hope is a great building block but false hope can be even more destructive.

I love my wife but can I forget enough to be happy?

There are people here who have been trying to recover and reconcile for many years. Many state they are surviving but nothing is the same. Are you willing to live in a marriage in which you just survive?

I do see some hope but there is so much more pain ahead

Don't worry about tomorrow, that will be here soon enough. Deal with what you are going through today.

Good luck.

I mean this as gently as possible (we've all made the same mistakes) - stop crying in front of her.

In her current state of mind (someone that decided to cheat) she sees your tears as weakness and a free pass to continue the affair.

Plus: if she even or ever suspects that you are reluctant to divorce her for any reason (including the kids)she will see it as a weakness which she can't resist exploiting again (sooner or later).

Finally, she clearly wasn't concerned about hurting you so don't interpret the tears as anything other than an attempt to manipulate you to:

- diffuse your anger,

- feel sorry for her, or

- she's suffering enough/learned her lesson so lets move on.

One more thing to add.

Some portion of the 50% part of the marriage issues you may be willing to accept, are possibly there because you were reacting to an undercurrent of emotional manipulation and even gas-lighting.

You had a reason to feel compelled to track her. You already suspected her. You had the 'feeling' that you needed to do this because she was behaving in a way that set you off-balance. Odds are she has been baiting you in one way or another to feel 'on edge' for a long time. Much of the tension may have originated with her,not your relationship with her.

Take care of yourself. You seem like a thoughtful, introspective, and intelligent person that seeks out solutions. I am quite confident you will get through this stronger in the end. You've got some tough times in the near future but you will be okay. Your children will also with you as their father, however it plays out.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 8:29 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace:

I'd recommend as a first step that you go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page). Find "Joseph's Letter", print it out, read it, and give it to your WW.

This is an excellent suggestion, but be sure to remove anything that would lead her to this site. Change the title and wording to fit your situation so her googling it won’t lead her here. For now this is a safe space where you can receive advice and support.

Eta content

[This message edited by asc1226 at 9:02 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

In the end it’s your choice on what to do

You must take your time to figure this out and do what best for YOU. There no rush, your DW did what she wanted to do, now it’s your time to do what you want,

Some people can deal with this others can not

nbu29, this is still fresh and emotions will be raw for some time. The sad part is that you have to let those emotions out until you learn to cope better. So take your time.

In the event you opt to reconcile, that takes many years. Many people say 5-10 years, so it's a long, slow haul. Forgiving is a term with many definitions, as is forgetting so don't get too bogged down.

A lot of people will recommend you hammer her to death. Sometimes that works, but only you should decide how to handle the situation.

My best suggests would include to not rugsweep this. She needs to face the light of day and don't shy away from letting this betrayal be public. It's actually good for the both of you.

Also, I don't recall if the OM is married, but if so then his wife will need to know- either from you or your wife. This is mandatory to maintain honesty in this whole thing.

Read about the '180' in the library here. You need to emotionally separate yourself from her for now so the both of you can take a step back, let emotions clear and decide what is truly best moving forward.

Lastly, take care of you. Walk, run, work out, don't drink too much.... the better you feel about you the better you will be able to cope. You do this for you and you do this for your kids.

But just take your time and breathe easy.

She says it’s over. I believe her.

Why? This is the same person who has been cheating on you and lying to you for over eight months. What makes you think she's going to be honest with you going forwards?

I have seen my wife cry maybe 5 times in over 15 years. In the last week she has cried over 20 times. I know she is remorseful.

Crying does not mean remorse. Women can cry on queue. They take classes for it when they are in pre-school. Don't let her tears sway you.

Her crying is for the loss of her affair and the OM. She's addicted to him. She's like a junkie jonesing for her fix. If anything, she's pissed at you for discovering her foul deeds. Don't kid yourself, she has a long, long way to go before she reaches true remorse. Many cheaters never do reach that stage.

She says she loves me but we both know that we not being meeting each others emotional needs for a long time.

She loves you like a brother... a friend, but not as her lover or mate. The OM took your place. She gave him your job.

And don't buy into the b.s. about not meeting her needs. That had nothing to do with her cheating. She cheated because she lusted after the guy and because she wanted to. Lust. Lust is still alive and well in the 21st Century and it is still a Biblically powerful motivator to destroy relationships.

She cheated on your marriage because she either let her boundaries fall or she never had any to begin with. You have boundaries and that is why you didn't cheat.

She also has had an ability to draw a line through something and move on.

No, she has an ability to make you fold, because she know you will every time. No wonder she felt free to cheat on you. You have never set your boundaries with her.

Much like how we argue. She moves on quickly. It takes me a little longer.

So she avoids arguments over important issues, because like many waywards she cannot communicate her feelings.

You and her have a lot of work to do before the two of you are even ready to start any kind of reconciliation. She needs to get into IC to determine why she has shit for boundaries, and you need IC for trauma and codependency.

[This message edited by Westway at 10:37 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

nbu29 - Like bignoob, I echo not going to marriage counseling until you know how you feel.

The counselor will try to pull back emotions that aren't yet ready to be revealed.

You wife is already blaming you:

She says she loves me but we both know that we not being meeting each others emotional needs for a long time.

That is not taking responsibility. She needs to be there before counseling will work or the counselor will be playing at getting her to see your hurt just enough to keep her in the chair, then turning it on you to then feel some hurt. This healing really helps no one, it just buys time while you 2 learn to communicate which is best done in individual therapy. (Is your wife getting individual therapy?)

You also say she is remorseful. SHE ISN'T REMORSEFUL

Look at some of the other stories here. When the wayward spouse (WS) is caught, if they don't immediately get down and beg to not be thrown out, they usually aren't remorseful. Your WS is a rugsweeper. She is pushing you to "Forget". This is not something you will ever forget. She doesn't seem to understand that. She is resting on you caving and will do just the bare minimum to fix the marriage she ruined.

Firstly, she should not be sleeping in the same room as you (Part of the 180). Even if you are staying together afterward, she needs the distance to think and owes you a timeline and some serious emotional journaling.

Secondly, go see a lawyer. Tell her after you see the lawyer. This is so she knows you aren't afraid to divorce her and staying married is something she should be begging for if she really loved you.

Remember your WS should be trying to make you realize why you shouldn't leave her.

I’m not proud of it, but I’m not a very forgiving person. I tend to hold grudges for little things. Big things, you can forget it. I genuinely did not believe I had the personality one needed to be able to stay married after infidelity. At least, not without making my WH feel like shit every single day for the rest of his life.

Something changed in me, though. I’ve spent the past year digging really deep into the person I am, and working to be the person I want to be. I did this because I felt like so much of my identity had been in my marriage and in how my husband viewed me. Of course that blew up in my face on d-day. I was basically rebuilding my self worth from scratch. None of this was for my WHs benefit, it was all for my own. Turns out, I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. For me, that strength included giving our M a real shot. It also included being able to heal from some of the most traumatic shit I’ve personally ever had to endure. I’m still working on it, but I’m WORLDS away from where I was only 12 months ago.

Give yourself some time. Focus primarily on YOU and see how your WW behaves. The more time and energy you put into getting yourself to a better place, the healthier your mindset will be, and then you can determine if this is something you will not be able to get past while staying in the marriage. I didn’t think I ever could, but I’m finding I am more able to than I had thought.

You’ve gotten lots of great advice from people who know what they’re talking about. I’d strongly advise you to consider a lot of it. Take what you need and leave what you don’t. I just wanted to offer my experience. Best wishes, and I’m so sorry you find yourself in this miserable situation.