SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I asked my wife to leave for a few days

Where did she go? Did you GPS that?

You are getting great advice here, take it. Get out of MC, DO NOT GO. Get yourself some help and get yourself to a gym if possible. If she wants to set herself up with IC then so be it, her actions on doing/not doing this on her own could be telling.

As said here, you need to do two things from an operations standpoint here.

1. EXPOSE. Particularly to the boyfriend's wife, if there is one. DO NOT LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. For one, she'll let him know and he'll poison the well. The other betrayed spouse will be a very useful ally if you get to her first. Second, if you don't tell her, and she finds out, you'll know 100% that No Contact was a farce.

2. Take possession of her mobile. Back it up to your PC. Run text extraction software on it. Go through call logs. Go through pictures.

Above all don't forget to take the perspective that that marriage is done. Grieve it if you will. She decided to unilaterally end it without telling you. Now you havea decision to make if you would like to start a new marriage with this person. Out of all of the candidates out there, is she uniquely qualified to be that person?

There’s a big difference in remorse and the shame of getting caught.

Cheaters lie a lot. Beware!

Don’t do the pick me dance. That will just lower your status more while making her OM look better.

Inform the other mans wife if he’s married. Don’t skip this step!

Hold on for a second. Your detective work led to the reveal -- a week ago. She admitted what was going on -- the very day of their last meet up -- one week ago.

,And, now she says it's over (and you believe her).

The math suggests that the only way it ended was her cutting him off in the last week. The only aspect of this being over is what she's telling YOU, and, presumably, HIM.

I just think that to say it's over is, at best, premature. You don't know how she's feeling about all of this, what ways they are still interacting (or not), etc.

It may just be semantics, but the A cannot be considered OVER. She may have taken steps to END it, but what happens next is a complete wild card.

I suspected things from time to time but always found a way to convince myself I was wrong.

Was this "time to time" this past year or earlier in your M? If earlier in the M, is it possible that your WW has had an A (or more) prior to this?

First, I’d just like to say that I’m very sorry that you had to come here. I went through this hell approximately 3 years ago, and it still hurts.

I often say that a marriage is like a stool in that it stands on three legs. For marriage those 3 legs are love, respect, and trust

sorry, but I don’t think you have a single one of these.

love: sorry, but would somebody who loves you, take another man ultimately bed multiple times, plan and coordinate schedules, lie to you countless times, and put you through such pain?, And once they discovered that they hurt you, wouldn’t they move heaven and earth to make it up to you and to take that pain away from you? She may say that she loves you, but I don’t think her definition of love is what most people would recognize as a true definition.

Respect: she doesn’t respect you. If she did, she never would have come close to crossing that line. If she respected you, she never would have taken him to bed once!!! If she respected you, she never would even have kissed him. And no matter what she says now, the fact that you are letting her back into your life at all is causing her to respect you less and less. She is learning that when she gets caught the next time, or time after that, she simply has to apologize, cry a lot in front of you, go to a few counseling sessions where she will say she was lost and confused & cry done more, and you will stay in the marriage with her.

The only way it could be more disrespectful is if she had actual sex in your home, or on your bed.

Trust: I find it highly unlikely that you will ever fully trust her again. Anytime that you’re away from her, or she is 5 minutes late, you will be wondering if she is in the back seat of some guys car, In some guys bedroom, or in some storage closet at work spreading her legs for some guy. And do you think those mind movies where she is giving herself to him arre going to go away any time soon??? Sorry.

Right now, she is NOT remorseful!!

Right now she is in full self-preservation mode!!! She is in danger of losing the nice and comfortable lifestyle that she has with you. She is worried that word is going to get out and her reputation will be destroyed.

If you didn’t catch her, would she still be giving herself to him? Of course she would.

She is probably telling you the truth when she says she is sorry...... she is sorry you found out and she had to end the relationship (maybe) with her lover!

At this moment you are just trying to survive. You are probably trying to get through the next hour and not be destroyed by the tremendous pain she has caused you.

It is a great idea for you to see an individual counselor ASAP. But even in the best case scenario, you are months away from marriage counseling. Right now she will just be quoting from the Cheater’s Handbook during the sessions trying to save her lifestyle and reputation!!! She will probably find a way to place the blame partially on you.

As the saying goes, responsibility for a troubled marriage is 50-50. Infidelity is 100-0.

You were in the same marriage as she was, with the same issues. But somehow you didn’t cheat. Therefore, refuse to accept any responsibility for her decision to cheat and her continued cheating!!

And if the marriage counselor makes a stupid comment of trying to get your relationship to where it was before her affair, as the counselor why you would want to be in such a relationship where she thought that cheating was acceptable

My advice:

-Without giving any warning, tell the guy’s wife/gf. After she confronts him, you will have an ally in gathering information about them and seeing if they are still seeing each other.

-don’t hesitate to tell others.

First, you are going to need friends and family to lean on for the foreseeable future. They will want to help you out, they just might not want to be viewed as sticking their nose in where you don’t want them, or they may not know HOW to help you. But trust me, friends and family WANT to help you in this time of crisis. If roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want to help them?????

Second, don’t let her rewrite the history of your marriage where you are the bad guy and she was the poor spouse that suffered for years in silence!

-get to a gym (if open) and work out!! I bought a heavy punching bag after D-day and it helped tremendously!!! I also workout at the gym, went running, etc. I can’t begin to tell you how much it helped clearing my head! And getting in shape was a nice bonus!

- go to doctor ASAP!!

Tell them what I your wife did, and get tested for every STD known. Who says that the POSOM isn’t sleeping with other women???? Remember, cheaters lie!

If you are like 99% of those betrayed, you are probably having a difficult time sleeping. Sleep is the fuel that the mind runs on, and you need to have your brain working at capacity when you make the upcoming decisions.

- EAT!! Do your best in this area. You need to eat. Force yourself to eat. If need be, set alarms on your phone to go off making you eat something.

-LAY OFF THE ALCOHOL! Yes, numbing your body and brain might sound like a good idea, but it will only cause more problems l! Trust me on this one!

I wish you nothing but the best.

Good luck and stay strong.

If her giving herself to another man repeatedly is a dea breaker for you, no one will honestly criticize you (except her family).

And as for kids, I they know something big is going on already. Tell them in an age appropriate manner. Don’t let her switch the blame in their eyes to you!!! And while it would stink only seeing the kids 50% of the time, isn’t it better to have it like that, where they are splitting their time Living in two different houses, then all of you living in the same house where they witness all of the tension between the parents, anger, contempt, hurt, etc, etc., etc. Don’t let them grow up thinking that THAT is what a healthy marriage looks like.

Just so you know, I contacted a lawyer and started the divorce process and quickly as I could after discovering what my ex was doing. For me, there was zero chance at giving her another chance as I knew I would never forget or forgive the unforgivable. I also viewed it as a situation of how could I ever respect myself if I allowed her to disrespect me so much. I simply refused to be anyone’s Plan B!!!!

But while at the time I too feared the future, ALL my fears were unfounded!!! I did NOT regret my decision at all!!! It was the best decision I ever made. I am very happy with my life.

Take care.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 10:01 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

Looks like we may have a "one and done" poster, boys.

I hope you are not discouraged by what has been posted. I suggest you read from the library here. There is a lot of useful material and it helps me. I go back and re-read things from time to time still. Please let us know how you are doing. We really are concerned for you and your well being along with your marriage. Please do not dismiss this group. It has been a God send to me. It can help you too. You can do what is right for you. We are here for you. Even if it is just to vent.

Sorry brother.

Take your time, eat well and keep up the walking as well as eating healthy.

Not fanning the pain flames but STD checks are a must for the both of you. Seek legal advice, you need to know your rights as well as her responsibilities.

As stated cheaters lie, they lie a lot to control the fall out. Expose her infidelity to all. Let the AP spouse know as well.

VAR her car and place one in her bedroom. Doyle’s her rug sweep the situation. Are there children? DNA if there are. Trust needs to be re built but verify everything. Was it a co worker? Then let HR know.

Just take it one day at a time.

My friend I feel you word for word. you r not alone. Pretty much everything thing you said is my thoughts also. I found out on Christmas Day by accident that my wife was on a adult dating site. I felt for a long time that something was up with my wife. When I confronted I said what is going on and she knew I saw her profile. She claimed she was looking but didn’t follow through. I called bs and told her tell me the truth now, I know something is hanging in the wind and if I find out. She denied, denied, denied anything was happing. Well found out the truth 3 days later. The first 72hrs I was a wreck. Lost, confused, hurt, angry beyond anything I ever felt before. So I hear you. And like u my mind does a lot of unconscious thinking. We’ve managed to be civil in front of our 4yo, and have spent the last 3 Saturday nights talking. Been to a couple of therapy sessions since and I am going to my 1st individual one and she also next week. Like you, I have to find myself for the same reasons. To heal myself. I don’t know if we can ever fix our marriage. But if I don’t try to see where I can get to and see if there is true remorse n her part I’ll never be whole. And forgiveness, idk know. I know I’ll never forget what she did , but I’ll never know about forgiveness if I don’t try to see if I have it in me, that if I don’t I can more on and be free of the pain and more forward. Take it one day at a time. Exercise, keep busy as best as you can. Find yourself a little piece at a time. Been 30 days since I knew, 26 since I knew for sure. One day at a time. That’s all we got. Good luck with your search for a reason.