SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I went through my divorce in January. It was unexpected, sudden and traumatic (due to the infidelity, lies, disrespect, etc). By March, I was tired of feeling so despondent and focused on my XWH and what he was doing. I was tired of feeling depressed and down and awful.

So I signed up for match. As a way to distract myself and slowly get back out there. I didn’t do it thinking I’d jump into another committed relationship by any means. Just thought it would be good to get out and meet new people, date, etc.

Well unexpectedly, I met a guy I really like. I fell for him pretty fast and hard, and same for him with me. He told me he loves me fairly early on... maybe a month into seeing each other. We see each other when we can, which is about 1-2 a week. It can’t be more just yet, due to us both having kids. Things have been really good in every way. On wkds we don’t have the kids, we spend the entire wkd at one of our houses. We text all day and talk 1-2 hours every night after our kids go to bed.

Recently though, there have been a few things that raised my radar. One was this past Friday. I texted him at 9 telling him I had just gotten ready for bed, and let me know when he wanted to talk. He didn’t respond. As it got closer to 10, my eyes got heavy, so I texted again and said I was probably not going to be able to stay awake much longer. Still no response. Then finally at 10:15, I texted and said I was going to bed and would just talk the next day. That’s when he called, and said he had been talking to an old friend. We talked for an hour, and he said I sounded tired and he was going to let me go so I could sleep and he could call another old friend that he supposedly talks to all the time. It was 11:30 at night by this point. It seemed super suspicious to me, and I had a bad feeling he was talking to another girl rather than old guy friends. It just felt that way. Intuition.

I brought it up the next day, and he seemed annoyed that I would think that. But also did try to be reassuring that he thinks I’m his person, he loves me and only wants to see me, etc. I let it go, and decided it was just my shitty history making me paranoid.

Then last night we talked and afterwards texted good night and I love you. Then about 20 minutes after that final text from him, I got another text that said “a motorcycle ride or a beach somewhere. I want to see as much skin as possible”. It was completely random, as we hadn’t been talking about a vacation, and we had ended our conversation for the night with good nights and I love you’s. It felt very much like he accidentally sent me a text meant for someone else. So I called him and asked him who the text was meant for. He acted confused. I asked what the last text he sent me was, and he said it was the goodnight / I love u text. I said nope, you sent me a text about going on a vacation.. and it obviously wasn’t meant for me.

He then proceeded to get mad and tell me I was being crazy.. and asked if I was purposely trying to sabotage our relationship. He asked why I was reading so much into a text, and said he’s been thinking about going somewhere with me and really wants to, and reminded me that we’ve talked about doing both those things together (which is true). He said he’d been drinking a lot while he was out doing yard work all night (he did sound drunk for sure), and guessed he sent a drunk text, basically. It sounded like bullshit.

But the thing is, he is super reliable and texts me all day. He talks to me every single night at bed for hours. He wants me to meet his kids soon, and says he knows I’m the one for him and he wants me in his future forever. He spends every kid free moment with me.

So why would he do all that and put so much time and energy into me and our relationship, if he were cheating and talking to someone else too? Especially this early into our relationship, when we have no shared obligations or responsibilities..?? Would he really introduce me to his kids knowing I was one of many women he was seeing??

I’m so broken and dysfunctional with my radar and trust I don’t know what to think anymore.

Well, a few things.

First and foremost, when we're in love or even deep-like, we tend to subconsciously try to not see or explain away the tough things we're seeing. You probably know from your time here on this site that when our gut is screaming at us, there is a 99.9% chance that it's for a very good reason, no matter what our love-brains and love-feelings are telling us.

he seemed annoyed that I would think that.

So if you think rationally about this, how would a person--and a person who is IN LOVE with you--act in response to this thought process of yours if they were fully open, honest, and had nothing to hide?

Really do that thought experiment. How would *you* respond to him if he brought up the same to you, but he was wrong and there was nothing to hide?

The reality is that you wouldn't act annoyed. You'd say "oh my gosh, no, honey!" And then you'd do everything you could to reassure.

Then about 20 minutes after that final text from him, I got another text that said “a motorcycle ride or a beach somewhere. I want to see as much skin as possible”

Concerning, for all the reasons you think it's concerning.

His reaction and annoyance/arguing is red-flaggy. With nothing to hide, he wouldn't be annoyed. He'd be working with you.

Something like this happened to me once in my last relationship. She explained it away and something inside me allowed me to overlook it. I was wrong, and my gut was right.

So why would he do all that and put so much time and energy into me and our relationship, if he were cheating and talking to someone else too? Especially this early into our relationship, when we have no shared obligations or responsibilities..?? Would he really introduce me to his kids knowing I was one of many women he was seeing??

Question: have you had an explicit discussion with him about shutting down the dating apps and being exclusive? Or are you just assuming this based on how everything feels?

If you haven't (or even if you have), I'd do the following if I were you: *without* telling him, get back on Match and check to see if you can see his activity as of late.

You can also download Tinder and any other dating app you can think of, make a profile with no picture and a different name/age that doesn't identify you, and scan to see if he's active on any of those apps. There could be some telling information there.

Obviously I think you should have the discussion about exclusivity, but I'd scan those apps first before telling him you're wondering, because he'll delete everything if he's actually on there and gets a sense that you're onto him.

~

Tough spot, but I still think there's a high probability that that text was not meant for you and your gut is right about something here.

I do know this: your gut will not stop talking to you, and you'll always feel nervous/unsafe in this relationship if you don't address and get through this asap. Could turn out there is nothing...but I bet there is at least *something*.

My $0.02.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:16 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

It seems like today I'm just going to follow Okokok around this site, and parrot everything he has already said.

The biggest red flag for me was your SO calling you crazy and asking why you are trying to sabotage the relationship? That is from the gaslighter's handbook Chapter 1,page 1. You have every reason to be alarmed by that text message. And to suspect there is another woman. Any rational human being would come to the same conclusion. For him to turn on you and call you names and throw accusations your way...no, no, no. flipping the attention off of himself and directly onto you. Putting you on the defensive.

The fact that your SO did this, implies that you are indeed in an exclusive relationship and that it would be completely inappropriate for him to be seeing another woman. Regardless, do the sleuthing that Okokok suggested, if you feel you need more info, and have "the talk."

Eyes wide open, dear lady! You are in the driver's seat here. You get to decide how your life goes.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:57 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Oh boy. There's an old saying around here that usually (sadly) holds true: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Flag 1: unexpected unavailability

Flag 2: random inexplicable text message

Flag 3: anger, deflection, gaslighting

Sorry, but if you need to validate your gut on this, go ahead and stalk with a fake profile, but I think you have three answers right here.

50 Shades of Nope on this one.

The unexplained unavailability doesn't bother me so much--there are many reasons why this could happen and many of them have nothing to do with another romantic interest.

However, the random message is definitely a problem, as is his reaction to it. Telling you that you are crazy is a huge red flag.

But let's think about this relationship for a minute. In my opinion and experience, a man who attaches quickly and declares love very early on is often someone who is emotionally stunted. In other words, about as deep as a mud puddle, and just as attractive. He's pushing this along quickly, wanting to drag the kids into it sooner vs. later. That, to me, says he isn't really someone who has a lot of emotional maturity.

Believe me, I understand why this is so intoxicating. It's like you were starving and someone whisked you away to what you thought was a 5-star restaurant. However, once you start looking at everything closely, the food is actually marginal and the utensils are plastic and you're eating off Chinet instead of china.

You need to discuss several things. First is whether or not this is an exclusive relationship and your expectations in that regard.

Secondly, you do need to talk about the random text. It wasn't for you--you know that. But since you were the RECIPIENT, you deserve to know whose skin he might want to be seeing. And if he calls you crazy or tries to manipulate the situation, I would think that gives you your answer right there.

You've not been together very long AT ALL and he's pushing this along at a lightening pace. That concerns me. I had a relationship like this newly out of my turbulent marriage, and the phrase "broken attracts broken" was really true in that case. He rushed things, etc., and while it was a balm to my soul, he also wasn't honest with me, either. Ending that relationship was difficult, but it was vital for me as a person. He wasn't a good person or partner in the least, and I have since upgraded considerably.

Cat

SAA

You have been through hell. I think you have learned to trust your gut. And your gut told you to post here, and highlight all the things that sound like he is cheating.

Everyone is bang on.

Trust your gut. I think this is an early warning sign.

Hugs.

It concerns me that you got into this seemingly deep relationship very quickly. You've been seeing him, what, one month? Two months? You really don't know him!

You know he meant to send that text to someone else. He sent it to you and you called him asking what is was all about, he feigned ignorance, then tried to tell you it was because you had been talking about going on vacation with him. If that were true he would have remembered he had just sent that text to you. Also, it was obviously an answer to someone else's text.

Him getting mad at you over it is definitely a red flag.

I'd take a few steps back from this relationship and look at things with your head and not your heart. You barely know this guy.

I completely agree with Allusions.

🚩🚩🚩🚩.

The fact is he has lied about the text. And he’s been dishonest with you.

Dealbreakers.

Thanks everyone for responding. I know what you’re all saying is true. We met for dinner last night and I brought it up again.

He said the text was a result of him being too drunk and just not realizing he had sent it, basically. But that it was meant for me. And he apologized for being stupid and calling me crazy.

The explanation still sounds like bullshit. But he was adamant that he’s all in on me, only wants me, only talks to me, loves me... thinks I’m his person.

He swears he’s exclusive. He wants me to be exclusive. His match profile is inactive, I checked. But of course there’s all kinds of other ways he could be seeing other people.

I just can’t understand why keep pursuing an exclusive relationship with me? What is he gaining? Why invest so much time and energy in me?

He said the text was a result of him being too drunk and just not realizing he had sent it, basically. But that it was meant for me. And he apologized for being stupid and calling me crazy.

It just really seems like an answer to someone's text. It's hard to overlook that, but I suppose it's possible. Of course, there's this:

The explanation still sounds like bullshit.

Our guts tend to be right.

I just hope you work really hard at being mindful here. After my D, I found myself in what felt like a wonderful relationship with a woman who I eventually fell in love with. Many of the same feelings you're describing here.

But she was also exhibiting quite similar behaviors to what you're describing, too, and ultimately she was crossing major boundaries (and honestly probably fully cheating, but I'll never know the extent of it) with other men. It really ended up hurting me for a long time, and somehow I was able to dismiss, overlook, and explain away all the evidence in front of me. Still working on how/why I was able to do that, *especially* knowing all that I know about infidelity and healthy relationships. I'm talking several months of this. And now, after a few months no-contact, I'm still experiencing pain, mind movies, nightmares, etc. The whole thing has just been awful, and I can't believe I fell into it again.

My point is just that I hope you are mindful with what's going on inside you, really listening to yourself, and making healthy choices.

Keep watching him, at least. And if you can, don't just talk about "exclusivity" in an abstract sense; *really* discuss the ins and outs of what your boundaries are, and what are dealbreakers for you. I really wish I had done that in my last relationship.

Please be careful here. Also keep in mind, he apparently drank "a lot" while alone doing yard work? I'm all for having a cold beer or two after backbreaking work in the yard... Incredibly refreshing. But to get drunk to the point where you're sending random texts and don't even know what you said? And then you get angry at the person who calls you on it? I don't like this at all.

Saying I love you after only a month? And you only see each other once or twice a week? You are "his person?" (I never watched Grey's Anatomy, but is that reference to that?) I hear "my person" thrown around a lot. I assume it's another word for soulmate? How can he know that after a month? Please know the difference between limerence and actual love.

You are very vulnerable. Divorce and the accompanying trauma is still fresh for you. his sweet words, and likely great sex, probably feel incredibly good after what you've been through. I fear he is love bombing you. And you are ripe for the picking.

Love is an act, not a feeling. Not sweet words. What do his ACTIONS tell you?

I would suggest that this whole episode shows that you probably became too invested too quickly. Everything he is telling you MIGHT be true. But you don't know him well enough to know and apparently he doesn't know YOU well enough to know how to communicate with you. Or he is just lying and trying to cover something up.

For example, the text might have been to a friend that he wants to take a motorcycle ride with so he and his other guy friend can ride by the beach and check out women. Not something he would want his lady friend to hear. But if he can't be honest about it, it's a problem.

Does he know that you were cheated on by XWH? What is his history? How did his M end? How long has he been D?

So why would he do all that and put so much time and energy into me and our relationship, if he were cheating and talking to someone else too?

One thing I've learned is that cheaters cheat for an infinite number of reasons. I won't ever try to figure out how they think because it is flawed. Don't waste your time trying to answer this question. It sounds like your saying this to dissuade yourself and convince yourself he is not.

I brought it up the next day, and he seemed annoyed that I would think that. But also did try to be reassuring that he thinks I’m his person, he loves me and only wants to see me, etc. I let it go, and decided it was just my shitty history making me paranoid.

That old saying - it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you... Don't want to scare you, but have you considered it is NOT paranoia, but rather your hard-earned experience talking?

He then proceeded to get mad and tell me I was being crazy.. and asked if I was purposely trying to sabotage our relationship. He asked why I was reading so much into a text, and said he’s been thinking about going somewhere with me and really wants to, and reminded me that we’ve talked about doing both those things together (which is true). He said he’d been drinking a lot while he was out doing yard work all night (he did sound drunk for sure), and guessed he sent a drunk text, basically. It sounded like bullshit.

Hello.... gaslight much? Yeahno, this is narcissistic abuse 101 honey. HE did something shady AF, then when you reacted like a normal human with a WTF, he makes it about how YOU are 'sabotaging' the relationship? Soooooo, asking any questions at all ever about his behavior = you ruining things?? Break that down saa - you KNOW that is not OK. And the reason that you feel like his explanation is bullshit is because IT'S BULLSHIT. And you know it, which is why you are here writing about it and asking us peanuts to comment. 2 and 2 isn't equaling 4 because he's lying.

Just my 0.02 here, but I don't think anyone is ready for dating 2 months out from a divorce, even if it was completely expected and amicable - which you admitted yours wasn't. IME until you figure out why you do what you do, you will keep repeating the same pattern over and over again. And that seems to be the case here, because bam! you have jumped out of a frying pan with a cheating xdouchehole and right into the fire with another cheater and manipulator. FWIW too, I think that dishonest, cheaty, manipulative people have a sixth sense and radar for people they can use.

You deserve better than this. You deserve love without conditions. You deserve a life free from all this angst. You deserve a partner who is honest and loyal. Take your time and take care of YOU and the rest will fall into place in it's own time. There's no short-cutting the healing process.

I’m so broken and dysfunctional with my radar and trust I don’t know what to think anymore.

Yes you do too know what to think. You think this is some serious bullshit and you don't want to think that cus it's scary and painful. And wisely, you have come here to get validation about what your gut is telling you. Your radar ain't broken dear one, it's working PERFECTLY and trying to help you.

Everything EllieKMAS said. You already know and your radar is fine. Rip off the band-aid and heal yourself while you look out for someone who is honest and open and worthy. We are here for you.

Yes you do too know what to think. You think this is some serious bullshit and you don't want to think that cus it's scary and painful. And wisely, you have come here to get validation about what your gut is telling you. Your radar ain't broken dear one, it's working PERFECTLY and trying to help you.

This!

Ditto on the above if you are checking back! Anyone over 16 years of age who is sure you are the one after two months is a problem even without the follow up BS of being mad about you asking a question about a text. It might be worth it if you decide to back off from him to learn to be alone comfortably before dating again. I promise, it's helps you see things in a completely new light.

Watch dirty John on Netflix.

It will give you perspective on falling in love With someone you don’t really know (a month or so into a relationship).

Drunk text? Possible. His reaction to accuse you of sabotage 🚩🚩🚩