SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I very recently found out my ex got married. No one told me, I actually had had a nightmare, then a God nudge to google his name. From there I found out he's married.

It didn't bother me much because I feel like I have my PhD in narcissism. And I knew it wouldn't be long before he'd harangue his next unsuspecting victim. He had another gf after the OW, couldn't keep those relationships going because he didn't have enough 24/7 access.

The thing that bugged me mostly was that my adult kids didn't mention it.

I haven't talked to them about it as I needed to process it first.

I suppose it bothers me because it would affect them. And because after D day, we had somehow made some sort of agreement that they wouldn't cross talk. I had said to them I'll support their relationship with their father, and I'd appreciate if they would support my non-relationship with him.

I told them I would answer any questions they had as well.

I felt that since D day, they pulled away. They support each other and get support from their husbands and other close friends. I feel that i haven't been able to talk with them the way we used to. And this saddens me on some level.

I also think that we kind of 'froze in time'. We are somehow following rules that may have worked on D day, which was 3 years ago. These rules don't seem to apply anymore.

I feel like I made a mistake. What i would have liked to have done was say to them that they could freely talk to me about anything that involves them and their dad. If they need support i'm there for them. I think I kind of told them, but obviously it wasn't clearly stated.

I would have wanted to know that he got married. I haven't processed why though. I guess it's because i want to know how it impacted them, and to be able to support them if they need it.

I also would hope that they would tell me if anything big happened like, for example, when he dies. THAT I would really like to know. And it is on the one hand from a place of anger, and more and more, it's because it's a customary thing to do, after all I would like to know this of anyone that I spent half my life with.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom around all this? How do I now create new rules of some sort?

At D Day I had so much fear. I was afraid of what he might do and so I didn't want the kids to tell him anything about me. I also felt totally betrayed and angry and he really had no right to know anything about my life. I wanted nothing to do with him.

I am still complete NC with him, which is a blessing for sure. I intend to stay that way. I have no desire or reason to have any contact with him.

I'm in a new healthy amazing relationship and have moved on in my life. I do still yearn for and miss the ease in which I could talk to my girls though.

I'm trying to work out how i can have them understand that if they tell me things, it's ok, that they don't need to protect me. I just am not sure that if I make this available (that they can tell me about things that they are doing that involve their dad in their life), if they would expect that to be reciprocated (eg: then they can tell their dad things that they do with me etc). Not sure how I would feel about that. Maybe i can say, it's ok to talk about me in context of us doing things together, not ok if it's strictly about me and my personal life. BUT...does that make things convoluted? Will they think, that's just too complicated so we will just continue on not telling either parent about the other?

I don't often look for advice, but in this case I would like to hear some wisdom from whoever is further along this path than me.

Thanks so much!

Maybe a professional counselor can give you advice on how to get back to having the relationship you want with your children.

Maybe the don’t ask / don’t tell method works for them. It keeps them out of it.

I'd appreciate if they would support my non-relationship with him.

Could this be why they wouldn't talk about it to you?

I would tell them some form of what you said here: that at the time you needed the distance, but now, time has allowed you to be able to handle things and you feel like this don't ask don't tell process has driven a bit of a rift between you and them, which you do not want.

I think you should keep doing what you're doing. No contact = no contact. This is like being sober for many years, having a dream, and deciding to drive by the liquor store just to check the prices.

Does having this knowledge that your XWH got married benefit you or your life in any way? Does is change anything in terms of custody or spousal support payments? Do you think your children want to discuss their new stepmother with you?

I do think you can have a conversation with them and let them know that enough time has passed that if they ever want to discuss their dad or what happened, you're more comfortable talking to them about it, but if they would prefer keeping things completely separate still, you're okay with that, too.

You really can't expect to have it both ways. If you want them to respect your request they not speak to their father about you, then he may very well have asked the same and they are honoring that request for him as well. If you open that door, even a little bit, it works both ways. You also risk putting them in the middle and having to try to decide what's okay to discuss and what's not. It may be easier for them to stick with not saying anything for fear of crossing that vague line. You may want to dig deeper into why you needed to know about his remarriage if it doesn't affect your life in any way (divorce agreements, etc.)

I found out Xhole got married about a year ago, but purely by accident. He didn't tell the kids because they have no relationship with him so I told them. They, like me, are more curious than anything about who his latest victim is, and we actually joke around about it. But the girls didn't invite their father to their own weddings either so they see his actions no differently and shrug it off.

If you want to crack that door open, say just what you wrote - if THEY are having any issues with processing his remarriage they can talk to you. Then give them support. You can still remain neutral about your own feelings while supporting them. That's what I do, but my kids are also fully aware of what I think about their father (from early discussions).

I would be very surprised if any of us are told when he dies. If new wifey has been indoctrinated into Xhole's secret squirrel lifestyle (which I'm sure she has been), she won't say a word to any of us. I'm just curious as to what elaborate lies he has told her to explain why he has no contact and no relationship whatsoever with his five biological kids.🤷‍♀️

Just keep focusing on you and your fabulous new life.

Narcissists suck people in until they don’t need them anymore. Right now your kids are trying to get along with their father. If they ever stand up to him they will get dumped. Narcissists always win.

Text and call and be available for them. Find other things to fill your time.

As a child of divorce, I can say that these things are very awkward and confusing.

Saying "my father is a narcissist" as much as it may be true, is hurtful because than the question is, I am my father's child, am I also a narcissist?"

As much as we might hate what one parent did to another, I think it's very difficult to navigate these waters.

It took me 20 years to really see how much my father hurt my mother, and to also see the grace and strength that she showed during the divorce and the next 20 years.

It took me that long, and experiencing my husband's infidelity to really understand what she went through and just what a hero she is in my eyes, for allowing us to have a relationship with the man that hurt her with no judgement from her. (not saying you're judging just stating my experience so that maybe you can have a view to what your children might be feeling)

It was very difficult for me to talk to my mom about my dad, because of so many things, and took me years to figure everything out and be able to discuss this with her.

I agree with Ibonnie and Phoenix.

If this is about a relationship with your two kids, than just know that there is 1 item thats probably off the list of discussions. I mean, you've moved on, let the exH do whatever the hell he wants. If he marries or dies, so be it. Its really none of your business and if the kids don't want to discuss it, probably b/c you told them not to tell you, than thats why it went down that way.

Its gotta be confusing for them as well don't you think? Mom hates dad, doesn't want us to mention it, but now she's kinda butthurt that we didn't talk to her about him getting married. You really can't have it both ways. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but thats the reality of it.

I have children to, so I know its hard, but at this point, I really feel like its best to let the sleeping dog rest. If you really want to have a discussion with your kids, I'd just tell them what you wrote here. Simple but honest truth and see how they react. They may not want to involve you and the ex in discussion anyway b/c they still love their dad. No matter how much you hate him.

Be honest with them. Either ring them, maybe have lunch, and let them know that you miss them. You miss catching up. Maybe set up a regular catch up time with them.