SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Monday the 23rd of December 2019

I’m not friends with him on FB but we have mutual friends who are. Last Monday I received texts from well meaning friends that the EX posted a comment on FB about me. Bad enough he made a comment a few days prior that his mom “ turned” on him as he is dealing with depression. Of course he got a lot of sympathy comments.

In his post about me, he wrote I agreed to store his personal belongings till I moved, I disposed of his dead father’s photos, that I refuse to give him back a mixer sound board for him to be a sound engineer at a dive bar. Then he went on how he bought me creature comforts along with other gifts because he loves me. A few friends who knows both he and I defended me because he wrote lies. Of course the “friends” who do not know EX that well came to his defense.

Our divorce became final July 2018. We separated in 2016. When he was served divorce papers he didn’t contest it and never wrote back to the court property he wants. I was the one that stated he will take a crappy ukulele and keyboard. He pawned the ukulele and never made any attempts to grab his keyboard. At one point he said I could keep the keyboard. He took most of his belongings some of which is stored at a friend’s storage unit. Right before Thanksgiving that same friend came to my home to take/store more items that EX left.

In August 2018 he drove cross country to North Carolina with a lady who suffers from personality disorder, drug addiction and is a prostitute. She left him to be with other men. He made the choice to abandon his stuff.

One friend of his commented to take me to court. Others were “sending you light”. EX actually wrote that “dark forces are at work against” him and that my action to refuse to give him the mixer board is out of “spite and pure evil”.

During a period of reconciliation in March 2016 he “borrowed” our $1k canon camera to document his cross country journey to NC only to pawn that camera for $150. He also pawned his guitars and an electric bass.

Incidentally he is scheduled to serve 21 days in jail January 9. I know this because back in August he got arrested for a warrant from 2013 but mainly because he got caught driving without a driver license, stolen car plates from NC and possession of a meth pipe. The 21 days are for a cell phone while driving violation. Not sure how much time he will get for his other infractions.

Ive been tempted to clear my name of his lies but I’ve convinced myself to stay out of it because I like to think of myself as a woman with class. I could destroy him by exposing how he sexted strangers, did online dating during our marriage, racked up his mother’s credit card over $30k for his gambling/crack/meth addictions and more.

Ugh....

I'm not that big of a person and have some anger issues.

I'd be tempted to post that I'm not his fucking storage unit and for once in his miserable, parasitic life, try taking responsibility for his own actions and grow the hell up.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. My question to you is whether or not these are people whose opinion really matter or are they fuckwits just like him.

Happy Holidays to you, beautiful spirit.

Edited a typo, though lice instead of life is kind of funny lol

[This message edited by Adlham at 8:20 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

I had a friend use the phrase, "If you do not accept a 'gift', to whom does the gift belong?"

If you do not accept his insults and public blaming, by responding, eventually his current crowd of enablers will see through him too, because he's collecting names of people he can use one way or another.

Stay classy. But also don't take the rantings of a criminal idiot personally. Those words/rants do not reflect on you at all, for it's only him who he can see in the mirror and he doesn't like it one bit.

I would suggest telling the well-meaning friends that you are not interested in hearing about his train wreck of a life, even if it includes delusional trash talking on Fakebook about you. There is a reason you are divorced and you don't need his negativity in your life. You can't control others, only your reaction to them.

Not your circus or your monkeys.

Leilehua,

If I can qualify this with three thoughts, (1) I don't know of anyone who has gone through this who believes they are more than 49% responsible for the failure of the relationship, and (2) I have come to believe in a power higher than myself, and (3) I accept that I have no control over others.

My former spouse was all over FB about how she survived an abusive spouse with NPD. I closed the FB account. My daughter reminded me tonight just how much happier I am and how fun I am to be around, even when plans don't work out or they go very sideways. She said her mom is unhappy and regrets her choices, both marrying me and leaving me. Go figure.

I am moving forward with my life. I have ups and downs, pensive moments and angry moments, and as of late lots of happy moments and hopeful moments. I know I HAVE far more than I do not have. I am grateful for the new life and new path.

I invite you to focus on you and what you want. As said by others, time will show who's real and who's not. The hot air will cool to room temp over time.

I wish you peace.

Seriously, who cares. He's trash, let him stay in the dumpster, don't go diving in there with him. Obviously, those who know the truth, know the truth, so nothing else matters. After over 3 years being apart, you shouldn't even care what he says anymore. Don't back slide by starting to care again. I don't think there's one person on here with a remorseless cheater who hasn't been in your shoes. After almost 7 years divorced, my X still tells some doozies about me, along with his tramp. So what. For the dumbasses who choose to believe him, more power to their simpleminded asses. Meh. Besides, it says more about him that he's still trashing me after all of these years, then it does about me.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:18 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

Thursday the 26th of December.

Thank you all for the advice.

I think my well meaningful friends who knows the truth meant not to hurt me. I live in a small town and apparently am quite popular because of the many years of performing locally and I teach kids hula/ukulele. I eventually saw his post and comments and admit I took comfort knowing the only people who bashed me and/or took pity on him are not from here.

I also know I have no control of others.

The ex is the classic example of a sociopath.

I have been focusing on what are good for me. Some days I’m confident but other days I’m sad. My self esteem is at 30% good. I’ve been really good at masking my own dreadful thoughts by putting up a happy aura. I figure if I act strong the depression will go away. I’ll be seeing my doctor next year (lol) and will ask for a referral to a counselor. I gave my ex unconditional love and loyalty. Unconsciously his betrayals are attacking my spirit deep within. I am responsible for myself. Only I can make me right again.

My son and I joke that I need an emotional dog but we both know I am not capable for the responsibilities of adopting one. Not yet.

Put that unconditional love and loyalty that you gave him into to yourself now. Being over 3 years out, you shouldn't even care what that whack job thinks of you anymore. The fact that you do shows you aren't healed yet. That is what concerns me. Please don't allow yourself to let this man to continue to define you.

You are your own person and YOU define you. Do not take your validation from others but from your own sense of self. If it helps, start making a list of all the positive things you like about yourself.

Are you kind to others just for the sake of being kind? Are you loyal? Are you reliable? Do others get joy when you come around? Start with these. Strive to be a light to yourself and others. Be the person that when you look in the mirror, you like yourself. Let go of the outcome of him ever liking you. He's just a miserable Fuck because he let you get away. Happy people don't have time to be bashing others and wallowing over imagined slights and non existent offenses. Please see that his bashing you, or anyone else for that matter, years later is a horrible reflection on him, not you. If you saw how my bitch man baby ex still bashes me, and the things he whines about, youd laugh your ass off. Don't worry about the fools who fall for his con, but focus on the people laughing at him or horrified at the depths of his mental unbalance.

You do you. Life is way too short to be miserable o er other freaks. Go out and make your life as amazing as you can. When you die, you should be able to say, "I had a great run. It was fun while it lasted. And, I have zero regrets because I did everything I wanted to in life."

Go out and travel, make a bucket list of all the cool and wonderful things you want to see and do. Start ticking off that bucket list. Leave worrying about him, what he thinks, and what others think, behind you.

Starve your distractions and feed your focus 😁

Silence is golden here. You can't control what he says but those that know him and you know the situation.

Nothing further needs to be said.

Thursday the 26th of December

Evening time.

I am very grateful for all of you.

I thought I had healed but I made the terrible mistake of breaking the no contact rule.

I thought I could be friends with him and do shows together because if there ever were times we were in sync with one another was through our music. I was wrong. It is clear he is a sociopath. Thank goodness he is 3 hours drive away with no driver license and a car. I have friends who worry about my safety because that man is desperate.

I kinda have a bucket list one of which is to travel to Hawaii next winter to visit my mum and family. I’ve considered moving back home but there’s so much of the mainland I want to see. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.

Once again my heart is filled with love because of strangers on SI who cares.