SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642637&AP=21&HL=

I am back to struggling to eat and want to cry most of the time. My wife and I hard an argument that I started over her pulling away and generally ignoring me. Some relationship issues did come our during this argument and she was pretty hurtful. The summary is that I have basically been an ass for our entire marriage.

I am trying this 180 and attempting to get my life back. I’m not sure how successful I am going to be as I am miserable. Her work friends are crap and I’m sure that they will offset anything I do in some way. F$&@!

We both worked out of the house yesterday. I tried to not go to her when the urge would hit. Not always successful. She would come get me when she wanted to smoke. We spent lunch together laying in bed relaxing. (Sex did happen...sorta...). In the afternoon I grabbed my laptop and started working from bed with something on the TV as noise. Her office is right across the hall. We talked a little bit here sand there. She then asked me to take our daughter to dance (which is a first as she is VERY VERY protective and close to our daughter)

I got home and she had waited to smoke so I could go out with her. We had dinner together and watched a few episodes of a show before going to pick up our daughter. When we got home I let her and our daughter hang around while I went into other parts of the house. Later I came out and she asked me to sit down with her and my daughter.

I’m also torn on whether I should contact her AP to fill in the details she will not give. I created a cloned Facebook account of him but keep deactivating it.

I did send her a photo of me last week and she actually saved it. Might be the only photo she has of me saved.

[This message edited by Account4This at 11:37 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Contacting him is not going to give you any peace. You can't believe anything that he tells you no matter what it is. You have no idea what is motivation would be for telling you anything so anything he tells you could have multiple meanings. You are attaching way too much meaning to this one guy.

Your WW started an eHarmony account right? She started dating? She found this guy, she will find another even if you run this guy off. You have to deal with why she stepped outside of your marriage and not with the specific person she stepped out with. She is not safe and if this guy disappears another one will show up.

Also to be very clear here there is no possible way that she has not had sex with this OM and is not continuing to see him. Think about when you were single. If there was this much drama with a woman you were interested in, if you had to relay calls through a friend, if you had to sneak around to see them, etc. Would you do any of that if you weren't at least getting laid? Of course not. You'd move on. This guy has not moved on. Put two and two together here.

This Affair and her behavior has been swept under the rug. She has blamed you and you have let her. She is most likely right back with this OM. You are going to have to take charge here if you want to end this. You may have to leave this marriage but you are going to continue to live in misery with the way things are happening now. Your WW needs to do a few things:

1. Admit what has gone on with this man completely and totally by making a timeline of all of her actions and back that up with a polygraph.

2. Get some sort of counseling to understand why she has done this and continues to hurt you and her family.

3. Get a new set of friends and drop the toxic ones. If that means she has to change jobs then so be it. If she won't then she is choosing a toxic life over you.

4. Get an STD test and show you the result. (You need one as well)

5. Admit to everything she has done and not just this guy. What are the chances that this was her one and only match on eHarmony? She has gone on other dates.

6. Start to show remorse over the pain she has caused you and the damage that she has risked to your daughter. Your WW seems to have no shame. Why?

I'm sorry to say that I doubt she will do any of this. You are going to need to decide how you want to live. It seems like from your posts that you can't live like this so you need to get comfortable with the idea that your life may move on from here without your WW. That is okay. You will recover. You will find your peace once you take control and get out of this state of limbo.

So I posted this on 12/4.

Now what to do?

1. See an attoney - Find out your rights, and her obligations. Understand what Divorce (D) or Separation (S) mean to you. You cannot make an informed decision to stay/go rebuild/rugsweep etc until you have all the information at hand.

2. Go get STD tested. Tell her to go get STD tested, and I mean everything, that means bloodwork and pelvic. Do not accept her telling you the results, get them in hand printed off from her physician portal. After all she is a cheater, and cheaters lie, a lot. You don't say if it was physical or not, if you know it was then this is non-negotiable, if she says it wasn't then she should jump at the chance to prove she is clean, if she argues or bawlks it's a giant red flag. Do NOT waiver, and do NOT have unprotected sex w/ her until she tests clean. This also changes the dynamic of your stance and power for things. Right now you are just letting her do whatever, and trying to nice her back. That doesn't work.

3. Demand a timeline of her A. Give her a week. If she doesn't give it to you by then, kick her out of your bedroom. Again, you need to show her you are willing to work with her, but you are not going to be a doormat. Again taking back your power.

4. This is quite possibly the most traumatic thing you have been through, and if you are struggling with sleeping and eating, then see your Dr. You cannot keep your emotions in check and heal yourself if you are not sleeping and eating. Additionally make sure you are taking care of yourself. Stay away from alcohol, it's a depressant and will only bring you down more. Exercise and be kind to you.

Have you done any of this?

When you are doing the 180 you don't have sex. Period. That kinda defeats the purpose. The purpose of the 180 isn't to wake her up, it's to give you some distance, find center, and stop allowing her to hurt you.

Seems fear is ruling you right now. Your wife is actively seeking an affair. You have every right to demand better. If you don't, you have zero chance of saving your M, and you will find yourself even more broken and miserable in the future.

See an attorney.

Demand she get STD tested.

Demand a timeline, and that she delete that shit off her phone, and put a VAR in her car.

Prepare for the worst.

I am trying this 180 and attempting to get my life back. I’m not sure how successful I am going to be as I am miserable.

This is a Catch-22 situation, and it is very easy to spiral downwards if you stay in this loop.

You are miserable, so you don't have the 'energy' to do the 180. The problem is, your misery is caused by you not doing the 180.

The 180 is to help you detach from your WW, who is the source of your misery.

Was going to be quite blunt with my comments, but it will not help you.

All I can advise you is that you break yourself out of this misery spiral. You may have been in it for so long that you feel comfortable in it, but as an outsider, misery is never good on the long run.

I’m glad you posted in JFO instead of general. You will get more attention but the message will be the same, but said differently by different people; some of them will be a lot less gentle than me

You are miserable because of this:

If you let yourself be blinded by the love you have for your wife, you will live in Infidelity, which will mean constant pain and insecurity.

Why not reread tushnurse advice?

Keep posting and you’ll keep on getting help

Account4this,

Have you consulted with a lawyer yet?

BTW, having sex with her means you’re exposing yourself to all kind of nasty STDs.

Sometimes when the "garbadge" builds up in your head the only way is to talk it over with another person IRL. It is hard for us as Betrayed Spouses because the person who we used to confide has become unsafe. Not necessarily because they have no feelings for us, but because they are too caught up in a mess of their own making.

Maybe it is time to see an IC and begin to look at why so seem to only have a life and feelings as a H and not as a separate human being ?

What would be the harm in it ? If it helps you feel better isn't it worth it ?

Sometimes when the "garbadge" builds up in your head the only way is to talk it over with another person IRL. It is hard for us as Betrayed Spouses because the person who we used to confide has become unsafe. Not necessarily because they have no feelings for us, but because they are too caught up in a mess of their own making.

She has made it very clear she goes not want to talk about it. She tells me these conversations only push her farther away. She does seem to keep things to herself “to keep from hurting me”. So for the last week I have been trying to keep my mouth shut and keep my feelings to myself.

I can’t really afford a counselor/therapist right now. Yeah my insurance covers it but the co-pays do add up. I don’t have many friends mostly due to working so damn much over the years as well as father factors. I have a friend that lived across the country that has been through this that I have been talking to. I have only told 4 people of what I am going through. Only 1 is related to me and I only told him as I had no one else to tell at the exact moment.

I cannot get into a lawyer until after the new year.

She has had testing done stemming from another issue in that area.

A VAR seems impractical in my case. The only time I would be concerned about are when she is at work and there is no way I am putting anything like that in the office. We have to go through pretty strict security to get into the building, including homeland security on occasion.

The last several days have been different. I have committed to not be so jealous and work on trusting. Wednesday we sat and watched tv together alone just holding hands. Thursday she invited me to go with her to rake our daughter to open gym at the gymnastics place. Friday we went to our daughters school and participated in the Christmas party.

There are times where she does not mind hugging and kissing me but then there are times where she seems to want to escape. We were doing housework today. She sat down to rest so I went to finish the dishes she started as well as to clean and polish stove top and counters. It was an hour so. Once I finished, I sat down beside and she then had to immediately go do something.

I can’t read her right now.

If she really felt something for this guy, how long will it take for her to get over it? What can I do help her?

I think the last time she had any sort of contact with him, he kinda said something along the lines of “once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want a cheater”

IN reality you don't know what's going on.

At this time you aren't in R. Just staying together.

Even if the current affair is over which is debatable there is a high risk of a repeat.

Nothing's changed

She has made it very clear she goes not want to talk about it. She tells me these conversations only push her farther away

So she has a profile on eharmony, date some guy, then she tells you to bug off or she will go away?

No transparency, no telling you what happen, no remorse, it’s basically "me me me me me".

And you are still stuck in infidelity. You only path forward is D my friend

Please go take a look at this thread in General, https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643001. Save yourself a year of hell...

That's not the 180. That's rugsweeping. It will bring right back here with another dday.

Why would you love someone who treats you so poorly? Sounds more like some sort of unhealthy attachment than real love. You are allowing her to treat you this way. If this is not what you want, you must change.

Looks like you are choosing to rugsweep and that might work for now. But when she leaves permanently or brings home an STD well then you can try again.

My point is you are trying to minimize this and do whatever you can to make her happy and this is absolutely the innate thing you want to do as BS.

HOWEVER NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON HERE SAVED THEIR M BY DOING THIS. You cannot nice your wife back. Please take some time to read this sight. The healing library and then go download a short book called "No more Mr. Nice guy". It does a great job helping you see how what you are doing will result in the opposite of what you want.

You aren't doing the 180 at all. And all she wants to do is rugsweep. She has an active account on Eharmony? You really don't have anything to work with at the moment.

Will she change? Maybe. But at this point, why should she? She hasn't been shown any consequences. She wants to date other men? She still gets to hold hands with you and play footsies but only "sorta" has sex with you to placate you.

Until you get tough and show her that "it's your way or the highway" for her then this will continue.

This all stops when you say it stops.

Stop being her husband. Kick her out of the bedroom. Separate all finances. See an attorney TOMORROW. It probably won't cost you anything for the first consultation. And draw up the divorce papers. On Christmas day hand them to her then tell everyone in your family and hers what is going on. Her reaction will gauge what you do next. My guess is she will go into damage control with the family and then "think about it" some more regarding her decision. That is not an act of commitment for your marriage.

Then you simply follow through with the divorce.

Remember, this stops when you say it stops. I've never seen a case here on SI where a WS changes simply because the BS waits and hopes they change.

Sorry you're here.

She has made it very clear she goes not want to talk about it. She tells me these conversations only push her farther away. She does seem to keep things to herself “to keep from hurting me”. So for the last week I have been trying to keep my mouth shut and keep my feelings to myself.

What the hell, why? This is the complete opposite of what should be going on. She should be trying to win you back, she should be doing everything necessary to attempt and fix this. Instead, you're the one walking on eggshells and crawling around trying to appease her. Can't you see there's something seriously wrong with this?

I have committed to not be so jealous and work on trusting.

Why?! Why are you working on being trusting when she can't be trusted. Why are you working on "not being jealous" when she has given you every reason to be. Why are you doing all the work and she's acting like the one who was wronged?

There are times where she does not mind hugging and kissing me but then there are times where she seems to want to escape.

This is all so backward, what are you doing to yourself here, why are you allowing this?

What can I do help her?

She was the one who had the affair, right? This wasn't meant to go on the Wayward side of the forum, right?

Marauder is 100% correct.

The ONLY narrative that should be happening is her trying to win you back and proving that she is a safe partner. Anything less is a complete waste of your time.

The effort should be all on her. You're doing everything backward. And this only makes her entitlement grow.

Although it has taken me too long to get it, I do see that what you guys are saying is truly for the best. I was too stubborn and believed I was different t and that I could manage this my way, by being a complete candy ass.

Well we have had a few “talks” over the lady week or two that have resulted in her telling me she is not in love with me and I am not attractive to her. She said one does not cheat on someone they are in love with. She wishes it never happened because it showed her how unhappy she really was.

Christmas Day she actually texted the OM and unblocked his cell number in her phone. When she hand typed his number in the text though she got one of the numbers wrong. She sent the text, his life her phone and sat down to watch tv with me. I found out through logs and an intense talk ensued. She was very keen on seeing if he texted back the next morning but obviously he did not. So maybe she will accept that as closure?

I’m anycase I have started going to the gym. I spent most of yesterday kinda doing my own thing in the house. I worked from my home office until lunch and then went to another room to finish out my day. I did not seek her out. She did come and sit down with me in the afternoon to watch several episodes of The Expanse with me. I avoided saying much or touching her. She did throw her arm at me a few times and when realizing I was not initiating contact, put on her cute voice and asked me to “tickle” her. Unfortunately I did. later last night something similar occurred and I did it again. I did stay positive most of the day and really put my efforts into enjoying my children and communicating with them.

I have accepted that i really need to plan for no future with her. I have appointments with attorneys after the new year and I have begun to reach out to brothers to let them know how the cards are falling. I have started a new friendship with someone i knew from high school who is going through something similar. He cheated on her 6 months into her marriage though.

In the end, I am mourning the loss of the woman I love and the family we have built; but I do not do it around her. It is time to move forward with or without her.

I will keep coming back here for help and support as I am pretty f’n sad. Are my first steps sufficient? What else do I need to do?

I have started a new friendship with someone i knew from high school who is going through something similar

Whoa slow your roll. You got a metric shit ton of shit to get through before you even think about getting involved w/ someone else. Plus if you can't be alone and be happy you have some real work on yourself to do. You want to walk out of this as being the better person, if you get involved with someone else right now, doesn't that make you equal in your actions???

Is this really the message you want your kids to get, that it's really ok to get involved with other people while still married?

Just hit the pause button for a bit, focus on self, see an attorney, file, figure out how things are going to go before you try to start building a new relationship. You also have a lot of grieving to do.

So maybe she will accept that as closure?

Let me stop you right there. She will not accept that. She will keep trying to contact him. She will figure out what she's done wrong with the number. You simultaneously say that she has told you she is not attracted to you and she is not in love with you and then talk with hope over small crumbs of attention. She has told you what she thinks and she has shown you what she thinks by unblocking him and texting him. Believe that. Do not build up false hope in small gestures that she does out of habit or to make herself feel better.

I don’t think I am trying to jump into a new relationship. But maybe I am. This person has known my family for a very long time and still talks to my mom. I am trying to plan for people to talk to and hang out with Later on. I only have 2 friends. One is married and did not like my wife before this and the other lives on the other side of the country. Only one of my brothers lives local and he has his own issues with his family that he is dealing with right now.

I do know I have a lot to go before I can be myself again. I still cry, I still go through periods when I can’t eat. There are times where I need to do anything but nothing at the same time.

It’s funny as on Christmas Day we had dinner with her family. Her younger brother was talking about his friends. They all were divorced with kids. Her mother was appalled and kinda shamed his friends.

Tomorrow, we leave for Disney/Universal for a week on a family vacation for a week. I have to keep my happy face on with no where to go to let out my sadness if needed be.