SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I almost texted to OM to ask him the last time he talked to or saw my wife

He has no motivation here to tell you the truth. You would never be able to believe anything he said.

Also did you ask her about the location sharing being off? Is it back on? You caught her in an Affair and are trying to decide whether to offer reconciliation. It would be perfectly okay to tell her that one CONSEQUENCE of the Affair and one REQUIREMENT that you have for Reconciliation is that you need to be able to see her location at any time. Just quit sneaking around. Tell her you are going to check, she is going to allow it, or you are going to divorce her. The time for being sneaky is over.

Account 4

If she really wanted to work on the marriage, there is no explainable reason why she "disappears" off the radar and keeps giving you horse shit excuses why.

I urge you NOT to call the OM. Hasn't he shown you that he does not give a crap about you. How are you going to feel if he laughs at you or tells you to take a hike???

Unless I read it wrong, she has told you she is not in love with you. Well, she's in love with someone. There could be a number of reasons why OM blocked her, and one of them could be they know you are monitoring her and have taken it underground. If you still care, I'd be looking for a burner phone everywhere she would never expect you to look.

She cheated and wants no sex on a regular basis with you. I guess she plans on joining a convent right????

Maybe I am missing it, but I am not seeing a lot to work with here.

Clearly your WW is not willing to do the work. She "says" she wants to fix the M, but her ACTIONS are telling you the truth. Which is, she will do things, but only up to the point that they inconvenience her. If they are hard, no way. If it causes HER pain, no interest.

Your WW is not doing anything to help you heal. You express your concern that she is hiding things from you and rather than acknowledge your pain, she tells you that you are acting crazy and pretends nothing has happened.

You need to start the 180 and detach. If your WW really wants to save the M, her actions will change and that will be the proof you need.

From what information you have provided, I suspect your WW wants a D, but wants YOU to be the one to make the decision so she can lie to herself and tell others that she tried everything, but YOU wouldn't forgive her. She wants you to be the bad guy in this.

She has all but told you that she no longer loves you or wants you. So why are you trying to play house with her. All you are doing is showing weakness, and showing her that you will take her abuse.

FYI, even though he has your WW blocked on FB, messenger can still be accessed. You need to verify this. Also you need to see if she has any other social media apps and vault apps to hide these apps.

That is, if you want to be the marriage police.

How are you going to feel if he laughs at you or tells you to take a hike???

Unfortunately in my past I grew up a red neck. Bonfires, natural light, and steel toed boots were my teenage attire. That part of me wants to go knock his teeth out. The mature father and professional keeps me from doing it. I might be inclined to call in a few favors from people that have a little less to lose. (My brother and I were kind of like the bouncers of our high school)

Childish it is but this guy pretends he is tough to keep the beatings he deserves away.

Don't focus any of your emotional energy on the OM.

The OM didn't betray you.

He's just picking low hanging fruit or what your wife is dumping in his lap.

Your wife isn’t worth doing any damage to yourself.

Nothing changes until you stop following her lead.

Let her go

What are you getting out of this?

Come on man you know the OM isnt your problem.

Focus your attention on what matters.

Come on man you know the OM isnt your problem.

Focus your attention on what matter

That comes from one of the wisest people here.

Your wife is cheating on you, not him. And if your buddies hurt him and they get caught and the police find out you put them up to it, your professional life is over my friend.

You wife is probably still cheating. That is your problem.

Your posts are full of references about feeling so good about her showing the most minimal amount of attention, like during that Ill advised vacation. She doesn’t even have to try that hard to feed you that hopium.. you’re a hope junky! You are waiting for her to toss you that next little crumb, thinking it will save your marriage. Listen up, partner. Take away this one thing, because I don’t think it is sinking in. Your wife treats you with contempt. There is nothing left to save, here.

You keep speaking of reconciliation like it’s even possible. I would say back to you, even if you had no proof of infidelity, this relationship would be in serious trouble. Your wife has already enacted in home separation, your step daughter has severe issues with you (likely fed by your wife). You’re treated like a useful idiot who pays for things. I urge you to perform a cost benefit analysis on the marriage. What will it cost you to stay in it, and what possible benefit is there for YOU any more?

You have to know you’re giving up your self respect to stay with this woman. She is not exhibiting anything like remorse now... she doesn’t even have to try that hard to control this. I’m not trying to be mean here, but you need to snap out of the fog and take care of you, now.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 5:10 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Sounds like OM has gotten what he was after and dumped your WW, your WW has resorted to Plan B, you.

Why would you accept this?

So I may have blown it

Saturday I was able to confirm that she told the OM that they were done and not to contact her again. On Sunday I got frustrated as I was not getting attention and then our daughter caught us kissing with her on top of me and flipped out. I acted immature and just acted irrational. Then Monday came. We made love as soon. As our daughter was off to school. Not something quick and fast but with some passion to it.

I noticed she jumped on messenger at around noon and when I walked over she immediately closed it. She may have just had it open to remind herself what kind of a-hole that guy was. His last message was “lol. Bye” I replying to her leave me alone message. I flipped out. I even said things about ending our marriage that I wish I hadn’t. This argument went on for an hour.

Like someone mentioned, even without the infidelity our marriage needed a lot of work.

Let’s say this cheating this is done. Is it possible for her to fall in love with me again?

Your bigger problem is shes still in contact

Saturday I was able to confirm that she told the OM that they were done and not to contact her again.

She did this around the beginning of December but it never really stopped. What's different this time?

Why isn't he blocked?

Sorry man but I think you still have a lot to learn.

You can't fix this. She has to do that part.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:38 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

It has been almost 3 weeks. Since she declared that she has gotten the closure she needed on her affair. I am still hesitant to believe her but things do seem to getting back to normal’ish.

We are now left to try and rebuild our marriage if this is the case. There is definitely an emotional gap between us. I can’t tell what she thinks or feels but she does not reach out to me or cuddle up to me any more. I generally initiate physical contact and if she does, it is very brief. She did flirt a little bit with me last night but that does not happen often. When I go into the office (we both work from home 4 days a week) she will text me with small talk or vacation ideas etc. during my lunch break, her texts get a little more conversational and she spends a good amount of time “chatting” with me. (She initiates). On her days in the office i May or may not hear a peep from her. Definitely not at lunch.

During our evenings, when she is not taking our daughter to dance, we are either doing chores around the house or sitting and watching a show. No cuddling or snuggling (well not with me. Our daughter gets all of that attention)

She still does not say I love you nor show much affection. This morning was good though. I met her at the door after she dropped our daughter off at school. We kissed and “made out” like kids and then it got passionate. It had feeling in it and not just like sex.

Her texts yesterday were centered around what house we were going to live in the future from her and my families estates.

Maybe I am winning her over?

Account, you need to re-listen to No More Mr. Nice Guy and pick up a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" to see what successful R and remorseful WSes look like. Your WW is not it.

This is not a competition between you and OM and you don't want to be because if you allow it, you will be competing with him or some new OM for as long as you put up with it. The intimacy in your marriage will never be restored if your WW does not drop these marriage interlopers and get some professional help. You will always be playing second fiddle to them. Are you okay with sharing your WW? If not, start putting some boundaries in place. Demand transparency from her to ensure that the OM is long gone. Ask her to change jobs to ensure that she will never start things back up with him. Stand up for yourself.

Maybe I am winning her over?

She isn't a prize to win. This quote makes me so sad for you.

You need to get into IC pronto to work some shit out. Why do you feel you need her so badly? Why are you so willing to rugsweep instead of creating some healthy boundaries and enforcing them?

She is the one that broke your M and your trust. She is the one that needs to be doing the work not you. Until you figure that piece out and enforce some real and meaningful changes you will never feel safe, nor should you.

Let’s say this cheating this is done. Is it possible for her to fall in love with me again?

No. Because she doesn't respect you. I have the same issue with my STBXWW.

Stick a fork in it man. She's not wife material and probably never was. Flakes like her never commit to anything in their lives. I'm sorry you ended up in this spot.