SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was going through this thread ...

"Who knew of the A and didn't tell you? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588980

It made me feel so bad that so many of our members here have to endure the betrayal, heartache and humiliation of others knowing about the A and not telling the BS.

I think the people I linked in that thread doesn't know what is wrong with not telling the BS.

I think the BS's here should "school " them on.....

What's wrong with not telling the BS...

I'll start......

Not telling the BS is like.....

Knowing that the WS is putting the BS's life in danger and then throwing their hands up in the air and saying

"None of my business !".

What a stab in the heart for the BS!

Like watching someone poison someone else and doing nothing.

I know APs have been told they should never tell OBS. That is a horrible thing to say.

If you hurt someone, you tell them. Its why a hit and run is illegal. Society expects people to take responsibility for their actions! So do it!! Tell OBS.

The AP may save the life of OBS. It is the only decent thing to do after you've done the one of the most indecent things. I know APs think they are oh.so.special and their married partners don't have sex with anyone but them, not even their sexless spouse, but duh....liars lie. And they expose their unwitting spouse to STDs. We have seen OBS's here who contracted Hpv, chlamydia, warts, etc from their spouse!!! And the OBS never even knew to protect themselves. Its wrong. It deprives OBS of their safety and agency.

If you are AP....tell OBS!!! Give the OBS their basic human rights back!!

Even if you take right and wrong—the ethics of truth—out of the picture, there may be very real health implications.

I was not told. I was not told, for a year, as I suffered atypical manifestations of a usually-minor STD that, when contracted orally, resulted in a respiratory infection that responded to NOTHING. Had I known to be screened, the right med might have spared me a year of having literally (not just figuratively) no voice. It would have spared me drowning in secretions every time I laid down. It would have spared me ribs cracked from coughing. I had to wait a year, the length of time it took for the organism to be transferred to my vagina (which apparently fights it off more effectively). A year of horrendous physical suffering.

It would have also saved me another infection–again, treatable, but found as I entered labor with my long-awaited second (well, third—the second was lost during the second trimester, quite likely also to STD; you see, all the secrets, the “protecting” me? It had dire results) baby. I’d tested negative for this organism earlier in pregnancy but because of its risk to neonates (largest cause of neonatal pneumonia and death), and the fact my doctor was on vacation (before electronic records), the doc on call thank GOD ran the test again—I’d become positive and the planned VBAC was scrapped for a c-section (no time for IV antibiotics to spare my son).

So.... even if you think you’re sparing *feelings*? You might be costing health, even life.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:43 PM, February 21st (Wednesday)]

I try to be a very positive person. Sometimes we all have to work on that. I have tendencies to "turn to the dark side" so I actively try to go out of my way to be positive when my first instinct is toward negativity. My sunshine girl helps me a lot with that. She's almost too positive. With all this said, all those that knew what was going on in my situation and withheld it from me are forever banned from my life. There will be no forgiveness for them.

danger comes in many ways...health, jealous spouses, financial...if you don't know what is happening, you cant protect yourself...

It also feels very selfish and uncaring...its easier...it requires no effort...that's not a relationship on any level...

I would be tempted to tell a stranger...everyone has a right to know what is going on in their life.

solus, you are so right. Not telling may deprive BS of the very life he or she is living. I was a BS that caught multiple STDs, which is how I discovered the cheating. Wasn't there a BS who found out her WS had cheated because she found out that she was HIV positive? Yeah, fuck feelings....I prefer hurt feelings and life rather than dying with good feelings.

It is taking the BS right away to be able make an informed decision about their life.

They are making plans with a person that they don’t know their true reality.

Not to mention, if they are involved in infidelity what else are they lying about

It leaves the door open.

If someone really wants to end the A and they’re not willing to tell the BS, it becomes easy a day later, a week later, after the next fight or the next bad day, to go running back to the AP and see if they can pick things up again. After all, nobody knows you better than the person you’re lying to about every single thing EXCEPT the shittiest thing about yourself, right?

"Not my brother's keeper."

I guess that's it for many.

I don’t recall if it was here or another board I used to be one before finding si

Ah caught HIV from ap but of course didn’t want to tell bs of his dirty deeds so he kept it to himself. He worried that he gave it to bs but keeping his secret was the most important.

He found his wife was becoming ill more often and generally felt yucky on a regular basis and he became worried.

One day, he had an opportunity to get new insurance and decided it would be a great time to find out because they would need to do a physical and blood tests.

The results came in. Her wh was too scared to be there when the nurse spoke with his wife. The wife was informed by a random nurse that she has AIDS.

Her wh only had HIV-not full blown aids because he knew long before and went and got treatment that he hid from his wife.

He was too afraid to tell his wife and look like the lying cheat that he was that he allowed her to get sicker and sicker. Thanks to her wh she has aids.

If that alone isn’t enough of a reason to make sure every bs is informed about the truth of their life-I don’t know what would.

Every person deserves to know the truth about their own life and make informed decisions based on that truth. When you include very serious possible health consequences in the mix- it’s horrible to keep that secret from the bs

For me it depends who’s delivering the message. Preferably the Other BS but definitely NOT the OW...

So I had a friend actually several.. I wish they would have come to me to say hey.. we saw WH ....... etc.

That could have stopped it before it got physical.

😥 but my husband was so far gone he would have not tried to fix things so he would have found another

I did a little "experiment " and asked my friends and family their opinions on telling the BS that doesn't know they are being cheated on.

I was shocked to learn that the vast majority of them believed in their heart of hearts that NOT telling the BS is the RIGHT thing to do !

"If you found out your neighbor was cheating......."

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=603814

Hurt, as a betrayed spouse that caught multiple STDs from my husband cheating, I would have welcomed the message to protect myself from anyone including any one of the Ow.

HardRO

I understand I too got lovely STDs too but my doctor said with HPV it’s hard to know if I got it from her or he’s a carrier. The other one was obviously her and I had gone in a month before I found out because of some symptoms. Doc actually asked me if anyone was having extramarital sex.. ding ding ding.. that should have been my wake up call.

But even then I would have not taken the information well from an OW. First I would not believe her. I agree that BS need to know just out of respect for their marriage.

So I just don’t trust the motives of the OW. I think most of them are secretly hoping they will kick the husband out and hope to have the husband. They aren’t doing it out of the kindness of their heart but to hurt the betrayed wife. It’s all mean girls stuff.

So I’m cynical so no OW info

When my life depends on it (and it did), I give no shits about the motives of Ow.

In fact, had a twitterpated OW told me in hopes that she could have him, and I had discovered the STDs then, I would GLADLY have handed him over. I don't want an STD infected, cheating liar!!! Best revenge I could have and should have had would have been to give them what they bargained for....an STD infected, lying cheater!

[This message edited by Hardroadout at 9:51 AM, February 22nd (Thursday)]

If you hurt someone, you tell them. Its why a hit and run is illegal. Society expects people to take responsibility for their actions! So do it!! Tell OBS.

Exactly and this is why many states also have strict laws against knowingly exposing or transmitting an STD to someone else. The law varies from state to state. In some states just using a condom is enough to avoid getting breaking the law. In other states the sex is considered nonconsensual if one of the partners has an STD not disclosed to the other partner, even if a condom is used. In some states the mandatory minimum sentence is very very stiff.

It's too bad there aren't laws against adultery that have potential to expose BS's to STDs, especially in this age of noncurable STDs like HIV or antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. If a WS knowingly contracted an STD from an OW/OM and didn't tell the BS while continuing to have sexual contact with BS, then of course the aforementioned law would apply. Then again, someone who is deceitful enough to cheat, much less cheat and never tell, probably isn't a big enough person to preemptively tell BS there's an STD risk involved.