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Just curious to how many BS have trauma from the gaslighting? I think the gaslighting destroyed me more than the A. If you’d just told me you were cheating I could of left and not have been trying to make sense of what was going on when my gut was telling me something different. I did think that maybe I was paranoid considering I had just divorced a cheating NPD.

I experienced love bombing mixed with the gaslighting. That really screws with my mind. How could he being screwing around when he is treating me so well. I did come to realize the love bombing would happen after he had been out with the whore. Out of guilt maybe. As I confronted him about his A he withdrew. Even told me I was crazy, he didn’t know what I saw.

I have a difficult time believing his kindness/ love towards me now. Or anyone for that matter. Are they being kind to my face while holding a knife in my back ? That’s how gaslighting has screed me up. What is real, what isn’t?

I’m better than I used to be. Not has hypervillgent as I once was.

Has this storm caused you the same issues?

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 8:24 AM, February 17th (Saturday)]

I can relate. To everything you said. Reality is constantly questionable at best, and more often than not distressing because we don't even trust where we're standing anymore.

I experienced love bombing mixed with the gaslighting. That really screws with my mind.

((((Emotionalhell))))

I have a difficult time believing his kindness/ love towards me now. Or anyone for that matter. Are they being kind to my face while holding a knife in my back ? That’s how gaslighting has screwed me up. What is real, what isn’t?

I’m better than I used to be. Not has hypervigillent as I once was.

It absolutely screws up your thinking. For me, it completely destroyed trust. Especially when I was so desperate to believe, to have things return to normalcy. It's definitely worse than the betrayal because it's so deliberate. There's actual intent. When they're with their AP they're in la-la land. Reality has flown out the window. But when they're gaslighting, they know they're twisting your reality.

Definitely a mindfuck.

It's definitely worse than the betrayal because it's so deliberate. There's actual intent. When they're with their AP they're in la-la land. Reality has flown out the window. But when they're gaslighting, they know they're twisting your reality.

Exactly. I was doubting myself. I never doubted him ONCE. I had to SEE in my head over and over them having sex when he kept telling me he wasn't even attracted to her. He only told me in dribs and drabs when I kept describing what I was seeing and it was accurate. Then he'd lie about the next phase-oh we only did this not that. And then I'd see 'that' It was pure mental and emotional torture. Finally I got him to tell me everything (maybe) after reading posts here about transparency. And he was the ONE person I thought I could trust with my life, my heart. At least we know our insticts are right and we can trust them. Not the WS.

My ability to trust is radically different now.

In some ways, that is a good thing. There are just so many people out there who are master manipulators. They are self-centered, but they use eloquent words, flattery or any of a range of tactics in order to get what they want. The business world is filled with this type of behavior and it can be sickening to watch. A nice way to put it is that I'm not as naive as I once was and I don't put up with being manipulated.

In other ways, it is a curse. It makes loving and feeling loved so much more difficult.

It can totally destroy you as a person.

I understand he difference between lying and gaslighting.

Gaslighting - the cheater deliberately tries to make you believe you are crazy and out of your mind.

That is a whole other level of calculated cruelty. Intentional infliction of pain.

As if the A isn’t enough. The cheater has to add more to the mix.

When an adult cannot face or will not admit to what they've done, they're acting no better than a child.

I understand the shame. I get it. But they are inflicting so much more pain and confusion on their spouse than is necessary. And they make the situation much worse. It just drags on and on.

The lying and the gaslighting is what has made me be on the fence about what I'm going to do. It has lengthened the amount of time we've spent in R.

At times I look at him and think - who are you?

Complete mindfuck.

I can't believe that while he treated me this way, I was soooo worried about him, thinking something was really, physically wrong with him. I supported him through his shitty mood swings and disappearing acts.

What an idiot.

I have said from the beginning. It isn't the actual A that is going to end our M, it is the little things that built up. He was sooooo mean to me on the day I confronted him and his gas lighting was cruel. He apologized a million times for it, but it hurt me to the core and I will never be the same, nor will I ever look at him the same way.

Because of the lying and gaslighting, I will never believe I have the truth. And that’s sad. He says he has told me everything, and I say I know he would lie to protect himself from what I don’t know from the past.

Having a MC who kept saying is he doing that behavior now, didn’t help.

You know, if you captured me on the field of war and did what WS’ do to BS’, it would be considered torture and made a criminal offense.

I have less rights than.....just about anyone just because of marriage.

Aahh yes, the gaslighting. It is now why I can’t feel a thing. I am numb inside. The thing that kills me about his most recent EA, 2017, is things keep coming back of what we were doing, where we were. We went to our granddaughters ballet recital, family dinners, my birthday and our 35 wedding anniversary, I didn’t even get a card. They text from 7:00 am to 11:00 pm every single day. Even text her while I was teaching Sunday School. To hear him tell it, it was me that was distant and uncaring. WTH????

Yes I completely get where you are coming from. I am over 2 years out and I feel so unsettled. I feel a huge wall around me. I don't trust him even though I realize he's different. But I remember feeling crazy and how he would twist things around. I am also still dealing with the fact that rather then tell me, he wanted a divorce and left. I was the one wanting to try not knowing. Once he agreed to try and then I found out, that messed with my head some more. I feel alone even though I'm still married. I was so desperate to save my family at first. Now I just don't know how to get comfortable with the man I am married to. I am with you, when mine is kind I just can't process it. Why are you different now?

I ended the relationship the minute he started to gaslight me. There's no going back from that level of abuse, IMO.

If im honest i didnt realise at first just how much gaslighting was going on I was so desperate to keep my marriage,I couldnt see it for what it was . Whilst he was still 'under the influence ' of his OW is was just dreadful.

As someone else said it was some of the things said and done after which really show you who your dealing with . I couldnt believe some of the things I was seeing and being told and sure as hell none of it was true . It has caused the most damage for me emotionally. I will never trust or believe him again not fully .

And for many months despite telling me his EA was over I knew it wasnt . Funnily enough by the time I think it may have fizzled out I had found some inner strength, It doesnt mean it hurts any less or that I trust him . It means Ive hardened my heart to it all finally .But I no longer trust anyone and I will endeavour to never let myself be hoodwinked like that again .

When I suspected my husband was looking at porn on his cell phone (looking at porn was an agreed upon marital violation), I asked him if he was. Instead of telling me the truth, he denied it and lied. I told him his behavior looked suspicious and was making me feel uncomfortable. Then he said "Well, we can't have you feeling that way. I want you to feel safe" and he handed me his phone and said he'd get a simple phone without data. That is a great example of gaslighting. It went way beyond simply lying. It was messing with my emotions. He was feigning concern that I was feeling so freaked out about his behavior and wanted to allay my fears because of course, he wasn't looking at porn.

It took me a long time, lots of IC, and lots of reading/self-improvement to find my center. My center is my truth, and nobody is going to gaslight me again. Ever.

I grew up with gaslighting from my entire family (only on certain subjects). My FOO dictates that my mom's reality is the family's reality so as to keep the peace. If she says it happened, it happened. That's how narcissists like it.

When I began to date and found myself in long-term relationships with narcissists, I began to feel crazy. I saw myself as the enemy, someone who could not get it right, could not do it right. When I finally went to IC, she started the long process of validating my reality which is the first step to getting out of these abusive types of relationships. It was so strange to me, to have someone back up my thoughts and feelings.

I do not need others to agree with my version of events. While I still hate rejection and abandonment, I have learned to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings as the abusive person turns against me to get me to accept their nonsensical gaslighting. Just sitting with those feelings of rejection can be tough. We codependent types usually go along with whatever so the tension will die down. But no, now I ride out the discomfort. When the gaslighting continues, I have my out: end the conversation, change the subject, or leave the room. I do NOT try to make the abuser accept my truth because that is an entirely different battle. But I do not accept theirs.

My final trick? I laugh. "Oh, you are so funny telling me you never said that. We both know you did." Boom. Change the subject or whatever.

Never again.

I know who I am.

I am intelligent, compassionate, careful, thoughtful, and aware. I decide my truth.

One thing that may work in terms of deciding the reality of people's intentions--do not see it as total trust or total lie. Allow yourself to live in a world of accepting it at face value right then, but do not believe anything more than the moment of truth. That person could lie tomorrow. They could act differently tomorrow.

It seems you want (need?) someone to be 100% in or out, but honestly, nobody is that certain of anything. Why do you need this? Why are you so desperate for someone's friendship, love, or loyalty? Do you fear being alone? Is it the rejection?

We need to love and trust others in small doses, and we need to love and trust ourselves in large doses! Other people are not life rafts meant to save you. They are not shields meant to protect you. They are simply weak, imperfect, struggling humans like everyone else.

It is you that you need to strengthen, you that you must be able to count on. Work on making yourself wise and strong and independent, and whether others are or are not gaslighting you with their feelings or promises will not be nearly as scary. Because you know you have you to take care of you.

Eta: but if you know your truth and that it is you are being lied to and taken advantage of, then you are allowing someone to gaslight you. That's a different problem. That is a lack of a strong center in you. If a relationship causes stress, you leave. If you are waiting for proof or whatever, then the gaslighter is winning. Gaslighters never admit their lies.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:37 PM, February 17th (Saturday)]

For me, I truly can't say which of these actions from my STBXWW was more harmful. Her betrayals were pre-meditated and planned out... for years. So they both were thought out betrayals.

She still is in the deny stage, and honestly I believe always will be. In the face of hard facts, with irrefutable proof, and knowing that someone knows better, she will still deny her actions to them non stop.

I guess admitting her actions for what they were, and are, would mean she truly did things others would find horrible. She believes they were acceptable in her mind, but image is everything you know. Its easier to play the victim and blame me.

The affairs were bad, the gas-lighting and denials infuriating. Both showed her to not be someone to waste anymore of my life on. But it took me a long time to learn that lesson... truthfully much longer than it should have.

I will admit I am changed now. How couldn't someone be after the world they thought they knew was torn apart. I guess that could be considered trauma. Through the course of one parties selfish actions Everything was changed, never to be the same again, no matter how hard you might try.

This is life now. Changed forever.. for all of us