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I’m having another roller coaster day ..it’s gotten better from the everyday rage ..but my pattern now consists of 1 -2 good days where I’m just normal not spectacular or anything, 2-4 meh I’ll just suppress and ignore my feelings days, than 1-2 depressing I don’t wanna leave my room and obsess about what happened days ...then I get on SI and read from others that year 2 is worst than year 1 wth man. If year 2 is worst , I may as well throw in the towel ..to save my sanity , career and kids 😔

Not worse with the pain for me. Worse with the anger, yeah. But the pain went from bad days/numb days to bad weeks/numb weeks.

I looked at it this way. If one of my kids were charged with a crime they were innocent of and looking at 5 years locked away and I could take their place, would I?

In a heartbeat.

Smh dam man I just want this shit to be over

IMO in the second year, the reality of the MAGNITUDE of their actions really sets in.

Year one we are in shock and trying to figure it all out, year two IMO we are angry. At least I was. Very angry that me, my kids, and everything else in our lives was affected by his A. Everything.

Honestly, the first six months of year two were my toughest.

I think my depression kicked in when I didn't feel 'better' after the first year. Grief and healing from any sense of loss aren't linear -- a lesson people here remind me about all the time, but I kept looking for tangible recovery. Emotions don't work that way. At least not for me.

That said, the last two months have been the best couple months for me since before dday. All of the stuff I've done to rebuild me, reset the esteem that gets obliterated after discovery is paying off. All that and my wife has been relentless in her pursuit of me and helping to heal us for 20-months straight now.

I didn't even really notice the change in myself, but we recently went to an engagement party for my friend's daughter. She is the same age range as my sons, I've known her since she was born and known her dad since junior high. Anyway, social occasions haven't been fun at all while fighting through this crap. And this was over 100 people and I knew most of them. In the middle of me telling my friend a story, my wife was just looking at me, all amazed. Later I found out why. She said because I was laughing, full on having a good time. She hadn't heard that in a while.

It was a fun event, I didn't even give a thought to any of the past year or so.

It gets better, but damn it takes a while.

The quickest way to get over the shit is to get into it and do your work. That means, IMO, you really need to feel your anger, grief, fear, and shame, because feeling it lets it go.

It will seem that there's no way to get through the pain, but that's because there's so much of it. You really can feel and let go virtually all the pain, but it's work. I urge you to do it - you'll be glad your did.

The alternative is to stuff the pain into your body. That seems easier at first, but you'll suffer when the pain comes out in the nasty ways that it will come out.

Sorry - the quickest way to heal is step-by-step, and it always feels too slow, until you're throug it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:33 PM, January 26th (Friday)]

What sisoon said... perfection.

I am more depressed and angry now at 14 months out. Now the shock has worn off and I fully look at the picture. He choose another person to satisfy only himself. He choose to lie to me for years and years. He did not respect me. He can not deny this. He tries to claim he loves me more than anything but now the question is how can you love someone so much and lie to them? Ugh. These last few months are almost worst than the first few months after finding out. And on top of all that I really have to make a decision because I know he still is lying to me about something and I have told him this. I havent done anything about it because I dont even know what it is but I know in my gut he is still lying and I hate myself for staying with him knowing he still lies to me. I am 100% confident he is not messing around now or has not over the last year but I suspect there is something he has held back.

I'm with annb. Year 1 was shock and raw pain. Year 2 was when the "numbness" of the shock wore off and the pain became much more specific as the reality of what happened and its impact became more evident.

While that probably sounds incredibly discouraging to anyone in year 1, I'll tell you that I wouldn't trade the process. It molded and shaped me in ways that refined and strengthened me. While I dislike the scars I have from being betrayed, I believe that I am a much healthier, stronger and better me after coming through the pain in years 1-2 (and the healing in the years after that).

14 months out. I have to constantly reaffirm to myself that I refuse to let this situation control my life. Shortly after DDay, I came to the realization that this was HER problem, not mine. My life was going to be moving in a positive direction with or without her, and it was her job to go NC and make things right with me.

The hardest part for me is that I no longer feel like my WW and I are a UNIT. I know that if she betrayed me again, I would immediately D her, and I would be just fine on my own. I know that I don't NEED her anymore, which is probably not healthy for a marriage. If something good or bad happens to me at work or whatever, I don't think to call her, or even talk about it when I get home. I did the 180, and I did it HARD. Maybe a little too hard. I don't feel like she's "my person". I just feel like I'm my own person. She seems pretty convincing that she'll never cheat again, but I've heard that before. I'll probably never fully trust her again. Every time she's at the grocery a little longer than I think it should take, my mind will begin to wonder. But it doesn't matter. If she does cheat again, it's over, and I will have no regrets about that, and I'll be just fine.

yes definitely harder than the first: reality sinks in, there's a numbness that also sinks in. I am in my 3rd year from DD1 and 2nd year from DD2, and I feel much much better as far as the mind movies go and as far as the disbelief goes, disbelief that this really happened to us.

Like you, there were days when I thought I would not be able to feel normal again, but time passing makes things more bearable.

2 to 5 years to heal, right at the beginning I would read this and did not think I could bear it, but I did.

It's never the same after reconciliation , but when you choose to stay you have to accept that.

I have grown as a more focused and self centered person, I made goals for myself in order to be able to bear all the pain and mind movies, and although my goals were just a distraction from the pain it worked for me to detach from identifying myself as a victim and how could he do that.

He did do that, he is that person.

YEar two was NOT worse for me. I know that’s the consensus here and I’m not doubting those people at all, but you are more in control of your destiny than you realize. If you think Year two will be worse, it will be. Instead focus on healing daily. Don’t stress about the future, just today. My year two was about relief (we made it through) and rebuilding our relationship from the ground up. It was being grateful because we were smacked in the face and we survived. It was about becoming stronger as a couple. It was about me sitting back and watching my husband be dedicated to me in every choice he made. It was about him being truly happier than I’ve ever seen him. About me being happy because my husband was finally content. He finally got life. He got that our grass was the greenest.

I can’t say your second year will be worse or better, but if you decide it will be, it will be.

For me, the first year was harder. The second year sucks, but not as much as the first year. IN the first year I felt insane. I felt like an alien. I hate rollercoasters and I was on a gigacoaster. In the second year I have some of my bearings. I’m more calm, and logical. I feel less vulnerable and more empowered; although not consistently. I feel more entitled to a joyous marriage and less willing to put up with BS. In the first year it felt like there was too much to think about and it was overwhelming. Now, I am starting to develop this attitude of

“I’m watching your work on this, I’m watching your lack of work in some areas, and I won’t be fooled again.”

The second year is more angry victim versus a poor wounded victim in year one for me.

I don't find the second year harder than the first but like others have said, it is much more steeped in reality.

If you do the work as others suggest, you will process the pain and go through all of the stages of mourning the M and the spouse you thought you had. It seems horrible and horrific at the time, and quite peculiar like nothing feels okay. Once you pass those stages and get to a level of acceptance, then reality kicks in and that is typically year 2.

I am only in the beginning of year 2 so I reserve the right to change at any time but for now, there is much more calmness than year 1 when shock had the reigns. Now reality has them and the rose-colored glasses are clearer where they were cloudy in year 1, and they've lost all of their tint.

For me it is also the year of my introspection and "fixing it" as I look back and see our relationship differently pre-A. I see and admit my own shortcomings particularly where I was compensating for my WS, and perhaps co-dependent and then I have to ask myself why. Why was that okay with me? Why did I feel I couldn't ask for what I needed all along or tell him when things were not right with me?

I think year two gets difficult with anger if you haven't processed fully in year 1 or if you have a spouse that has prolonged denial, rugsweeping and TT. It makes our healing difficult. On the other hand, with work and full transparency from both of you year two can be a new way of working together and partnering that is more authentic and honest.

One more thing - I want to mention being a victim. I'm discovering that being the victim is fraught with peril. It keeps us in anger, shame and fear with the idea that we are helpless. Certainly our WS's behavior brings that on because the bomb that fell into our lives was not of our own making and completely of their choosing. So we need to take our lives back and get out of victimhood to survivor. When we survive, we can thrive. And that's the beauty of year two - we take the reigns back in our lives and feel more in control.

Year two for me was the reality of what happened and truly analyzing EVERYTHING.

Year one was survival. Year two became WTF?

What am I doing?

I seconded guessed my ability to do anything. Big or small. I died a little more in year two if that makes sense.

I stopped feeling. I stopped caring.

Get back to IC. It can help.

What you are feeling is normal. Heart wrenching but normal.

Keep posting. Keep exploring your feelings.

(((good luck)))

It's not harder for me, just different. A different level of understanding and a larger focus on what we want and need in our marriage as opposed to the frantic staunching of the wound and healing on our own mostly in the first year. Most days are good, some days are terrible and some days are meh but I made the most of that first year with self work and I think it has helped immensely.

I'm only 13 months out so one months into year 2. If I compare this last month (which is still hard and a struggle) to last year this time.....this one is better. I think there are variables. For each couple and situation.

Here are a few differenences from month 1 versus Monthe 13 for me:

I don't want to die anymore. I actually manage to have some ups and good times. I feel safer. I haven't had a panick attack. I function. I'm sleeping. I can eat without getting sick.. H is not lying anymore. There is NC. We are not separated but live together.

I left the list this way as I really thought to compare the most basic things that were horrible and traumatic from this time last hear.

Bennu, Don't give up man !

I'm 27 months from Dday , I cried again last night for a few minutes while driving, but those times are far apart now. Life is getting a sense of normal again. That hopeless feeling of doom has mostly faded. I can ,at times enjoy being social. I have gone out on dates. I plan for MY future and experience pleasant emotions and laughter again! Don't get me wrong sometimes it comes like a tidal wave and wipes me out ,from nowhere and that rage can still boilover...BUT it doesn't consume everyday, all day anymore! We will never be the same .We will always feel the loss and pain . I know this, and I now know finally we can find a new life and happiness again .

It WAS the WORST pain I have ever known.

It WAS a TORTUROUS INSANITY like I never knew I could feel.

It has been a brutal rollercoaster through hell to get to today .

I'm now finally realizing WAS is the past.

I am slowly healing.

Its over, and in time I will find better.

So will you.

Accepting the reality and truth of betrayal and the brutal callousness from the ONE and ONLY person I believed would love and protect me, it was almost impossible.

That was the majority of year two. I realized I couldn't accept being plan B , or her remorseless contempt, I got her out and divorced.

It destroyed me. My history erased , But I'm still me. I have my sons and a future is mine to make.

I have my integrity and soon will regain my honor.

I am rebuilding my new life.

It still cycles through my soul like venom and it burns on occasion.

Don't block the emotion ,let it flow , cry rage ,overthink .... let it come and go and eventually you will feel the good in life start to fill the gaping holes in your heart again.

Peace and Hope Brother.

As others have said already, year 2 isn't more painful, but for many of us more "real" as the acceptance of what we've actually endured, the truth of our situation, whatever defenses we put into place to help numb us through that very raw and brutal first year. ANGER is generally a more predominant emotional that excruciating pain.

Don't give up. This is all part of the process we all need to go through to truly heal. Rushing too fast ahead, denying or continuing to numb our feelings. . . that will set us back, as will a remorseless WS. Under the best of circumstances, by the time year 2 rolls around you will have gotten the truth of the extent of the betrayal perpetrated against you. During year 2 your mind plays around with all of this information in a more "aware" and honest way. This is where the acceptance of reality starts to sink in. And with it comes the anger at the injustice of it all. But it, too, WILL fade with more time and processing.

I am in year 3 now and as far as A crap goes, I'm pretty much over it and the pain of his betrayals is behind me. I have a few other M related issues yet to struggle through, but happily the A stuff has definitely taken a rest in the back seat and it becomes easier to have days upon days when thoughts of all that are not really much in awareness. You'll get there, Bennu. Hang in there.

For me, in year 2, I have been really focused on me and so much less focused on my marriage. I think it’s been a lot better than the first year which was so miserable and pain filled. I still have my moments - but they are far less frequent. I can actually see a future where I am completely at peace - I thought that would be impossible.

My best advice is to really focus on yourself in the second year. Read as many books as you can on healing, breaking codependency, start a new hobby and quit as many bad habits/vices that you may have. That’s what has been working for me.

I hope things get better for you soon.