SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was a horrible wife didn't cook or clean or want sex!! This is what I get......I can't argue with it!! I was and he thinks he was a perfect husband......I'm so low right now 3 years of being beat over the head with this!! Im so ashamed and broken.....I did this to myself and he makes sure I never forget it

Fuck that shit. He didn't have to commit infidelity. There are/were other options. Divorce. Communication. Demanding change and MC, making it perfectly clear that he was at his rope's end and that if you two couldn't come up with a solution to your problems that there would be consequences, i.e. separation or divorce.

You do not/ did not deserve this. How dare he beat you over the head with that bullshit. He is the one that did wrong, he is the one that betrayed you.

(((Wannarun))) what you deserve is a warm hug. Your WH is so delusional he may need to be committed, or at the very least...divorced. Did he ever come to you and explain how he was feeling? Did he ever suggest MC because he felt unfulfilled in your M? Probably not, because that would be how a rational adult would act. He chose the cowards way out. Lying, cheating, where are his morals? You do not deserve any of this. Move on. You deserve a great life, with a rational adult or even better...on your own! It's very freeing to realize YOU alone are a complete package. More hugs to you.

Yeah, you dont.

I'm sorry, but your husband had so many other options.

He could have...

Asked to go to counseling

Asked for a separation

Told you his issues

Asked for a divorce

I've been down this road. At the end of it you will hopefully come to realize that you never forced him to cheat. That is what broken people do. I hope you learn to love yourself enough to see this.

Sorry you are here wannarun.

Over the past couple of months my WH has also brought up how horrible I was as a wife during the time leading up to his A. He never said a word to me about it though.

I too struggle with not feeling that I was partly at fault for the A. But then I remind myself that I did not hold gun to my WH's head to have an A. And that snaps me out of that thinking.

Your WH could have done a lot of other things to improve the marriage but chose to have an A and that is all his fault, not yours.

When one spouse is an alcoholic is it the other spouses fault that they drink?

When a spouse is a compulsive gambler is it the other spouses fault that they gamble?

When a spouse is a drug addict is it the other spouses fault?

When a spouse is abusive is it the abused spouse's fault?

When a spouse is emotionally/verbally/mentally abusive is it the abused spouses fault?

When a spouse commits adultery is it the betrayed spouses fault?

The answer to all of the above is...No! The person with the unhealthy coping mechanisms (all of the above) are the one responsible, 100%, for every action and choice they make.

No one who hasn’t committed infidelity deserves it. Short of cheating yourself, nothing you did warrants him going out and blaming you for it. We have as free people to re-evaluate our relationships, ask for change, and if we aren’t happy, to leave.. we don’t have a right to be cowardly, and start another relationship while keeping our SO in the dark.. because that takes away their choices, and is akin to abuse

He did over the years complain about it when I would ask why he was mad or acting like an ass. That's why I deserve this.....I wasn't mature enough to seek help for my lack of motivation or knowledge on how to be a good wife. I just froze up and went into a shell I guess to protect myself from how it made me feel. I felt like a failure and instead of rising.....I let it break me. He makes me feel like he was so superior to me and could've done so much better. I beg God to forgive me for my failure to be a good wife every day!! I can't go back and change it. all I can do is acknowledge my faults and grow. It's such a horrible feeling to not be forgiven and then blamed over and over for all the pain this is causing. Is there no value in a woman with a good loyal heart over these tramps that just pass themselves around destroying lives.....why is their bullshit so much more worthy?

Honey are you guys in MC? If not I really think you should consider it.

If MC isn't an option would you consider IC? I'd love you to get the help you need to accept that you don't have to accept the abuse he is showing you. You have options here you really do.

Share here as often as you need and want but please also consider getting professional help. You deserve so much better, you really do.

tts

Why would you deserve that?

Marriage is always a work in progress and frankly no one can meet all of someone else's needs. It just doesn't work that way.

Martyrdom benefits no one - not you, not your spouse, not your children. Put that energy into being the kind of woman you and your children deserve.

How are things going today?

Wait a minute....he complained but you didn't do it and it FORCED him to have an affair? THE AFFAIR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! NOTHING AT ALL!

He is blaming you so he can make himself feel better for being an utter piece of shit. I can repeat what everyone else has said, because they are on the money, but get that out of your head and come to an adult conclusion! You are an adult! You didn't do this! His affair was fantasyland. You are real life, reality. I didn't cook and clean all of the time, neither did my husband and I know damn well he has two hands, he can pick up things on his own too. Even though this is something that I think every couple might argue about, that still doesn't shift the blame on you for putting his penis where it wasn't supposed to be. He exposed you to possible death from possible diseases, he did this without your consent. He could have done anything before he had an affair. It is NOT YOUR FAULT and never will be.

You need to tell him this and tell him shut the fuck up. If it's true that you think it's your fault because of this, are you always going to clean that last dish in hopes that doesn't give him a reason to do it again? Hell no you're not, because this is reality. We do not do dishes and clean all of the time because we are busy with life! Working, caring for kids, you name it. It could be anything. Don't allow him to blame you because that's what he's banking on. It's just utter bullshit and mind boggling to even think he would blame it on you for this. He has done a number on you for you to even THINK it is your fault.

As was said before, "Fuck that shit!"

[This message edited by lostthatlovingfeeling at 9:30 PM, December 4th (Monday)]

How was sleeping around supposed to help your housekeeping skills?? That's an excuse, wannarun, and you're letting your WH run all over you with it.

You know what will show you the truth? When you say, "You're right. I am a terrible wife, and you deserve better. I'm filing for divorce."

Then you'll hear him bluster, but stick to your guns. He doesn't get to cheat and talk about how superior he is or what a great husband he was. IF he cheated because of you, he is far from great. A great husband would have sought solutions vs. distractions.

He's full of shit. You know how I know this? Because I cooked, cleaned and wanted sex and I still got cheated on. Those things are petty excuses used to blame shift the onus of the A on the BS. You deserved none of this.

Yeah, I was a great husband. Dad of the year, provider, protector, gave my wife frickin massages on demand. I'm not just saying this- my wife would tell this to you herself. I'm not claiming perfection- nobody is perfect- but I did as well as I was humanly capable of.

But nothing I did could prevent her brokenness from rising up and destroying our marriage.

And nothing I can do now can fix it- she is the only one who can.

He should be begging forgiveness for his failures as a husband. Not only did he sexually and emotionally betray you, but he’s horendously emotionally abused/is abusing you, as he

he makes sure I never forget

how you “did this to yourself.”

That is flat-out mental abuse. Please find a therapist who specializes in trauma and can help you with this. You don’t need help being a better wife. You may, however, find yourself struggling with PTSD, as I did after years of similar treatment.

ETA : he’s not currently safe for MC; I wouldn’t go near an MC office with him.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:19 AM, December 5th (Tuesday)]

He's full of shit. You know how I know this? Because I cooked, cleaned and wanted sex and I still got cheated on. Those things are petty excuses used to blame shift the onus of the A on the BS. You deserved none of this.

^^^^Me too! Your WH is for sure, 100% full of shit! It doesn't make any difference how good (or bad) we are as wives, if H wants to cheat, he'll cheat and put the blame directly on their wife. It is called blame shifting and rewriting marital history. He told you you are a bad wife to make himself feel justified in what he has done. You've been on SI since 2012 (5 years!!) - and this is how he continues to treat you?

You had nothing to do with your WH affair. This is on him to fix. I agree with feelingthenoose:

say, "You're right. I am a terrible wife, and you deserve better. I'm filing for divorce

I hope you can find some peace and strength to do whatever is necessary for you to feel good about yourself.

Five years later, and he is blaming you for HIS choices? Please get yourself into IC. Does he accept responsibility for anything?

The perfect husband cheated on you, blames you and you accept the blame?

Honey, he was/is a perfect asshole for that.

I did this to myself and he makes sure I never forget it

You did not cause him to cheat he chose to do that.

It is good that you can see where you could have done things differently in your marriage (we all can do things differently) but that does not excuse your WH's choice to cheat.

And now he continues to bring this up to you because? Perverse satisfaction of continuing to hurt you? To ease his guilt?

It's such a horrible feeling to not be forgiven

Has he asked YOU for forgiveness?

What is the path forward? Don't allow yourself to live in purgatory.

Either you both want to be together and work towards something better or get out of the marriage for your physical and mental health.

(((hugs)))

You joined about the same time as I did. XWH#1 basically told me the same, except I did keep a good house, did the laundry, and cooked most nights. Sure my home was lived in. His socks were sometimes in the dryer instead of the drawer, and with my illness the thought of food somedays would send me running to the restroom. Did I mention I worked full time as well? Also he complained that we didn't have sex enough. This was the first I heard about any of this.

So, for the first year I turned myself into June Cleaver/ Porn star. He continued to cheat and lie. It made no difference if I was the greatest housewife/lover/provider. That had nothing to do with what he was doing. Then I found SI. It was the best thing I ever did. I did stay with him for two more years, but I also made sure I no longer stressed myself out/exhausted myself to make him happy. If it wasn't that he came up with other things. As I came home and busted my ass every night, he would sit and drink and watch TV until dinner that he didn't want until 7:00 each night even though he got home around 4:00. He had to have his pre-dinner alcohol. Then I was stuck cleaning the kitchen and getting ready for the next day.

The thing is as others have said, it's not you it's him. It took me a while to get that through my thick skull. Even though we rarely argued, the communication was no longer there either. Now I'm not so sure it ever really was.

You have been mentally abused by this man. It wouldn't matter what you did, it would never be good enough. It is an excuse he uses to control you, keep your self-esteem down, and make you doubt your worth. He is a bully.

I now have a SO (fiancé) that is wonderful to me. His deceased wife was never a house keeper or cook either but he loved her anyway. He loves that my house is clean and I cook a lot of the time. He loves that I do the laundry. I also no longer have to work and he gives me $$ to pay the bills or whatever I need it for. He thinks it's a win/win.

You have been doing this for a long time and where has it got you? Do the 180 and see how that rocks his world. It may help him to see that he could be a lot worse off. t will also build your self-esteem where you can take control of you. If not let him step out and be single and see how he likes that. Do not continue to be abused. See an IC and get yourself happy. You don't deserve any of this.