SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sending you so many hugs wannarun.

You deserve so much more than what your husband is giving you.

180....BIG-TIME.

Let's just say that if YOU " deserve" to be abused and hated on like that...I wonder what that bully of yours is "deserving" of?

My wife treated me VERY poorly in many respects. I didn't repay her with betrayal or abuse.

She left me--TWICE. I didn't leave HER later in return after she came back.

In fact, I received her back very graciously BOTH TIMES.

She committed adultery with several men both while she was still with me and after we were separated against my will. I didn't go screwing or even dating other women in response...And there were some interested, attractive women I had to say "no" to in fact!

She lied repeatedly telling me she was staying faithful as I foolishly gave her the benefit of the doubt. But when she truly humbled herself and confessed the truth, I still loved her and wanted to keep on loving her till we die.

That was 23 years ago or so. Should I have repaid her with the kind of ugliness she paid out to me?

I guess my point here is that I too am a man that was deprived of sex (even when we were together to some extent) and I was treated like shit and her housekeeping wasn't at ALL as good as it was when my folks were keeping house. And I did much of it myself when we were early married, too.

Also, my wife would very often " turtle" into her shell and freeze up when I fused at her about ANYTHING. So WHAT kind of punishments did she deserve for being such a...?

And another question would be, is punishing my bride for her imperfections MY JOB?

Was punishing me for my imperfections HER job?

I hope you don't honestly think that two adults who supposedly " love" each other should be abusive monstrous bullies to one another, punishing each other for every imperfection they come across.

180 his sorry, bully ass just as fast as you can get the mountain oysters down your gullet like Popeye eating his spinach when BLUTO is almost done beating the life out of him!

Watch some Rocky movies and fight that trash that's in his head and yours. Don't enable bullying. It's not only bad for YOU; it's bad for BLUTO, too.

Open up a can of "180"proof WhoopAss, and flush his bullshit down the johnny-can where it belongs.

Whatever "failures" you think you're guilty of in your marriage thus far, I think most of us here on SI would agree that you don't want to "fail" on this matter of standing up against this abuse and these lies he's feeding you.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 11:27 AM, December 5th (Tuesday)]

I know al of what you say is true. I do have a big issue with self esteem maybe because nothing is ever good enough for him. When I do turn away and get stronger he starts to come around acting like he wants to come home and be the kind of man he wants to be. Then when I open up and things begin to smooth out and start looking up I find out he's still texting or talking to his AP. Then when I confront him and get pissed because I've allowed him back in he brings up all the crap again. I have told him to go and leave me alone if I was so horrible!! Don't live one more second in my presence!! Usually he says ok then is texting me trying to reconnect by the end of a week. It's happened so many times....I'm freaking exhausted of it!! But the fact still remains I don't want a divorce and want my family together......and I do feel guilty for not taking care of the marriage or the husband that was given to me the way I should have....... I've grown up a lot over these years....why won't he do the same? I could blame him for many reasons why I acted the way I did or didn't feel motivated to try harder, but I don't!!! It would get me nowhere but right back where I started......no growth or maturity comes from blaming others for your actions!! I know this yet I still have guilt.

Oh man... I sooooo get this!!!

I also look back and think I could have been a better wife. WH would constantly make comments (right after we separated) about how AP was so much better at 'serving' him (yes, he actually said that!!!) and how he could 'show her off' where he couldn't do with me.

FUCKING BARF!

BUT......what we both have to ALWAYS remember is that despite our downfalls, that will NEVER justify why he cheated! We didn't deserve this and the fact you are thinking that you do, just tells me that your WH was like mine and beat all the self esteem out of you and dulled your sparkle to make you feel like this whole thing is actually your fault.

IT'S NOT!!!!!

Yes, it's good to reflect on how you were in the relationship so you can become a better person for your next one. We can always be better, but always remember his cheating happened because he was a selfish asshole, not because you didn't wash the pots and pans.

I don’t care if you served him deep fried shit balls every night for dinner. Cheating is never a valid action. If you were that bad he could have left or at least asked for permission. Period.

[This message edited by LongSigh at 8:19 PM, December 26th (Tuesday)]

If it makes you feel any better, I cooked, cleaned, and wanted sex every day.

I even waited for his phone call *from her place after fucking her* to make the final touches on dinner to hit the table when he came in the door and kissed me with the mouth he had just performed oral sex with her.

And later fucked me.

Ooh, and I was also in amazing shape (5'5" 128lbs, 3 months post partum with the baby I didn't tell him I was ready for, but he decided was what he needed, emotionally.

So yea, don't buy his bull shit. He'd still have done it.

There is no woman good enough to keep a man from cheating. Only the man is good enough to do that.

So when you detach he pays attention to reel you in and then starts emotionally abusing you and blaming you for his A and unhappiness?

Why do you want him back?

To inflict more pain? To drag you down further?

Pease please get yourself your own therapist or counselor. Not for the M but for you. To build your self confidence and self esteem.

To understand and learn why you accept this pattern of behavior.

Sending prayers s and hugs 🤗

Nobody deserves abuse...and this is abusive..

I felt the same way, in the beginning...its very common...who can say, they never made a mistake, ever?

Our marriage wasn't great...I stopped and looked at that....My H was an alcoholic, traveling around the US, partying like he was 25, with women...while I raised our babies alone.

HE ignored me, rejected me, avoided me, lied to me, ...no wonder we had issues...who could like him?

I was angry...I was bitchy...I was lonely....for a good reason....What made you feel that way?

After dday,, I blamed myself...I wasn't the perfect wife...

How can you be, when you are already rejected and disrespected? What issues did your marriage have? and how many were reactions to your H bad behavior. I have no doubt that a selfish cheater, had issues.

After dday, I became more bitchy, lonely, and stopped cleaning and cooking again....will it drive him to cheat again? You cant make someone cheat....they choose to, because they like it....my kitchen floor has nothing to do with it. You cant be perfect enough to keep a cheater from cheating. you cant fake happiness when your marriage is destroyed. Look at his faults ....not yours.......You did not make him cheat.

As you heal, this all will come back..you will want more order in your house, when you get more order in your life.

He plays mind games with you..stop listening...and watch his actions.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:20 PM, December 28th (Thursday)]

wannarun, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But, no, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT. It's unfortunate that he has succeeded in making you feel like his cheating was your fault. I agree with the other poster that this is emotional abuse being perpetrated on you.

One of the best things I did after finding out about my wife's affair was coming to forums like this one. So I learned that blameshifting is pretty standard in the cheater's playbook. So I was made stronger and "immunized" from my wife's blameshifting by this knowledge, as well as the principle that the decision to cheat is 100% on the cheater and never the betrayed spouse's fault.

And yes, my wife has done plenty of blameshifting, and that is one major reason why I don't want to reconcile. I looked at women. I did this and that. I sucked in bed. Whatever. I've always been strong enough with this knowledge and I have never accepted blame for her affair for even a nanosecond.

I hope you can do the same. It's not your fault. Not even one-billionth of one percent. Please be strong.

wannarun, you can't take care of a marriage if he doesn't want to do that as well. You can't reconcile with somebody who doesn't want to reconcile, in actions as well as words. You can't do anything with this guy.