This is a long story...
My wife and I have been married for 23 years and have three wonderful kids, all in their teens. Dday for me was 1/20/17. My marriage has not been perfect, but I never imagined in my worst nightmare that it would come to this. I was unemployed for a few months and just went back to work in January.
In November we had a fight about my lack of success in finding a job, and she said she needed some space, and told me sometimes she just drove around to think, as she did not want to come home when she got off work and "see me there again". Her new job gives her 3 Fridays a month off at noon. So, after our blow up in November, I let her have her space, thinking this would help relieve her frustration with me. This also meant I quit trying to hug her as much, not asking for sex, etc.
Fast forward to January 16. I started getting suspicious when putting away laundry, I came across some new lingerie that I had never seen before along with some other “intimate” stuff hidden in a small bag in our closet. That night I asked her about this stuff and asked if there was someone else. She denied it and she said she got that for us, but was not ready for that yet. I asked if she would go to marriage counseling and she said yes so I made an appointment for the coming Saturday. The next day, for some reason I was not feeling right about her answer, so I went to look at the stuff again and it was gone. I freaked out and found it hidden in the trunk of her car. I was becoming a nervous, paranoid wreck. So, I started going through cell phone records and noticed three numbers from a town about 2 hours away that she had been calling or texting and vice versa since about July, with more frequency and longer duration in October, November and December.
I was at my computer looking at phone records when I checked the online records from our toll road account. I discovered she had been making trips to that town and two other cities near us leaving on those Fridays she got off work at noon, coming home around 5-7pm, when she was telling me she needed time to herself. I tried to recall the stories she told me that had made sense at the time: lunch with a friend, walking by the lake for exercise, meeting an old girl friend from high school, etc.
I confronted her and told her I knew about the affair with (I know his name, an old friend from high school who she had remained friends with). The first thing she said was, "How do you know that? Have you been following me?" I went ballistic (I did not prepare myself for this revelation) and said what the F*** does that matter, you did this! Don't lie to me anymore, just tell me the truth! Then she admitted everything. His wife (yes, he is married too) was mean and they were basically separated under the same roof. They would talk about their problems to one another. She begged me not to confront him as it would ruin him. He is a high level executive with a huge company. His wife does not know yet. The affair started out as emotional in Summer, then moved to physical at the end of October. They would meet up in motels in his city or sometimes he would drive here and they would meet in a hotel in our city or one of two other cities near us. She said they had these trysts in motels on 6-7 different occasions up to Dday.
She said it ended on January 6 because they both agreed "it was too destructive and too many people could be hurt", so they ended the physical affair. I believe he does not want to end his marriage at this time. But the call logs indicated they were still talking about every other day or so, which I called her on. She tried to explain that they still talked to one another every few days or so but that is all. I am having a REALLY hard time believing that. I demanded she have no more contact with him, and she said her last comms was a text telling him I had found out and not sure what I was going to do. However, I suspect she has changed methods and may be using WhatsApp or the like for non-logged texts and calls. A couple of days ago I asked her to show me her phone and she refused. She says she can't breathe here, and I know I'm paranoid but I just can't trust her anymore. She swears there has been no contact with the OM since January 20, when she told the OM they had been discovered and there has been no record of contact on her cell phone (I have checked the records). In my mind I am thinking I will let her stay in the house with the kids and me with NC.
She said her feelings for me changed and that she could no longer support me emotionally. I asked if she loved him and she said she cares for him a lot. She said she had been planning to leave me about a year ago, but held on hoping she could push through, and maybe things would get better, but was not communicating to me the depth of her feelings. She intended to leave me once I got a job and was stable so as not to leave me while unemployed. The unemployment lasted longer than either of us expected. I did not realize how badly she felt, and did not make things easier once I became unemployed. Ironically, Dday was on a Friday. My first day of work at my new job was the following Monday. Ugh. We talked all night and the next morning until we both were exhausted. We had a counseling session scheduled for that Saturday morning at where I had thought we were going to try and fix things, but instead she said she wanted out of our marriage.
I am so mad at her yet I still love her. I always believed infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to me. My heart is just...broken.
We have had the house for sale (since October) and once we get a contract on it, we will plan a time to tell our kids. Right now we are living under the same roof and she is sleeping in a different room, and the two kids still here don't know anything. She does not want to reconcile. She is done. We are both going to individual counseling. I feel like I have had my heart ripped out. I feel broken and depressed. I am not sleeping, but my doc just prescribed a sleep aid which I start tonight which hopefully helps, and a physical scheduled in a couple of weeks. I have lost 19 lbs., and don't eat much, but realize I need to take care of myself so forcing myself to eat right and take vitamins. I intend to exercise more too--walking, etc.
She is terrified that I am going to confront the guy and tell his wife everything. And our friends, her family, our pastor, etc. He blocked me on Facebook, my WW un-friended him too (presumably to hide the private messages from me). On Dday when WW texted him they had been discovered, he replied she needs to warn him if I am headed his way. I wanted to drive down there and take a baseball bat to him, which I have since thought better of. I am still not sure if I am going to confront him and inform his wife of all the details. My WW thinks if I tell the OW that it will be only to try and hurt her (which initially is what I was feeling). I am conflicted because I want to protect my children. Is it my place/responsibility to inform the OMW?
What should I do? I feel like such a fool. Thanks for listening to my long story, but I could really use some advice from someone who has been here. I just want the nightmare to end, and get on the road to healing, if that's possible.
