SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Never thought I would ever post this but here we go. Wife and I have been married for 16 years (3 kids). She started a new job not too long ago and took a liking to one of her male co-workers. They would text all the time and she became increasingly distant. All the warning signs were there and I chose to ignore because I wouldn't believe she would cheat on me. Finally did some digging after she told me she wanted to try a trial separation and thinks I should leave the home so we could start to appreciate each other more. Keep in mind before this, we had a very good marriage. I worked a lot but we had sex often and she would tell me how lucky she is to have me and she's so proud of our relationship, she is also a very loving mother.

She took back the separation comment, showed me her texts which were flirty messages back and forth between the two, no evidence of it getting physical. She had actually deleted the messages between them. Told me she would stop contacting him but was still talking to him at work and texting him on a secret app. I put a VAR secretly in her car which gave me what I needed to know. They had physical relations in her car yesterday which lasted about 10 minutes, her telling him that he's always on her mind and she gets turned on by just looking at him. By far the worst thing I listened too, for some reason I listened to the whole thing.

D-day was January 17th, The affair was confirmed yesterday. She said she's so sorry and wants to work on the marriage, I'm devastated. If I agreed to the separation she would be all over this guy 24/7 which is killing me. She has admitted she has strong feelings for him. I'm not even sure if she's committed to working on it, I tried pleading with her when I first found out on the 17th, begging her if the reason she wants a separation is to be with this OM. I'm so hurt, we have three great kids and I don't know what to do. I also believe she hasn't started the NC phase with him yet.

[This message edited by barry22 at 3:19 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

Sorry you're here man.

Start with the "Tactical Primer"... http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Some of this you have already done, insist on total NC, even if that means her leaving her new job.

If the Coworker has a spouse, they absolutely need to be informed.

Do not sleep with your wife for now, insist that she be tested for STDs and show you the official results, get yourself tested too, and both again in 6 months.

Complete and total transparency with every account and device, you need to have passwords and keycodes, even on company issued devices, no exceptions.

Her employer's HR should be notified of the relationship, its often against company policy.

If she refuses any one part of this, do not be afraid to file for D and have her served at work in front of her coworkers.

You have to play hard-ball if you want her to take you seriously.

I am sorry you are here. Betrayal just totally sucks. First off , take care of yourself and watch out for your kids. Read all the good info in the Healing Room . It will help.

Does this coworker have a significant other? If so I would tell them . Dont tell your wife before hand , otherwise she will tip him off. This will make the fantasy a reality. I would consult a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Find out what your wife wants . Does she want to work it out? If she does she needs to do whatever it takes to prove herself a safe partner. I would say the minimum is no contact with the AP and she quits her job as she has already proven she cant be trusted at work.

She said this co-worker is single. She already told me before she would stop contacting him so obviously that is a lie. I'm attempting to set some boundaries, no contact with her affair partner and she has to quit a job. She's only been at this job for about six months. I don't know if she's committed to even working on this, I feel so sick physically. My fear is that she's in love with this other guy. Yes I informed her about the VAR, she was angry that I was spying on her but then realized what I heard. I was told it never went past kissing

[This message edited by barry22 at 11:02 PM, February 17th (Friday)]

So very sorry you have had to join us Barry22. Please don't leave the house if she again asks for a temporary separation. Find an attorney and become informed about your situation. Get tested for STDs ASAP.

Have you confronted her about what you heard from the VAR?

Don't trust what she says about the OM being single. Might be true, might not. Find out his name and find out for yourself. Tell his wife or girlfriend but don't tell your WW that you are going to do this.

You should not have told her you had her recorded. Do not, DO NOT let her get her hands on a copy of that recording, she may be able be sue you for recording her without her permission. It is illegal in a lot of states.

Never give up your source again.

So sorry barry22. You are in shock right now. I too got to hear my WH and his CoW have sex in the car You probably have PTSD now. Look it up, the symptoms. It's real.

Do not believe a word out of you WW mouth anytime soon.

She has no doubt tipped off OM that you know and have a recording.

Most likely they will lay low and then take the

A underground.

All the while she will be telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

I warn you, the shock will wear off and be replaced by intense anger.

Use it constructively.

Do not do the pick me dance, it does not work and you will regret it.

Good luck.

Telling her about the VAR was a mistake. Never reveal your sources, because if she is still cheating (and she probably is) you just lost that method and she's just going to try even harder to hide what she's doing.

Also she needs to quit that job ASAP. She can't be at the same job as the OM.

And no more begging, pleading, or coming off as weak. That's not going to do anything except make him look more desirable and you less so.

You need to expose the affair to family and friends (do not tell your wife you're doing this, just do it). Affairs are like cockroaches. They thrive in the darkness and don't hold up well under light.

Plenty of advice will be coming to you. Sorry you're here.

Believe what you found in the VAR. And consider that just you finding out and telling her won't change her feelings.

The foundation of cheating is to "cheat" - to break the rules - in marriage vows, it means having the spouse AND having the affair partner. She wants BOTH. That is why they lie, because they don't want to lose the spouse, they just want to keep the side piece.

Maybe at some point she would want him over you, and would then tell you to divorce. That point arguably has occurred with the separation talk, she had a sneaky plan to separate, wait a while and tell people you both drifted apart, then start divorce, then all of a sudden she would "start" "dating" the other man, the co-worker and best friend who suddenly blossomed into romance. Women more than men, way more than men, I think, care about REPUTATION. Don't want to be called a cheater. So now that plan is still there, as long as you have not told other people, though she knows you can, so she is just completely desparate, trying to figure out a way, any way, any lie, to keep you temporarily AND to keep him.

Your best bet is to push her off the fence, tell your family and her family she is cheating and she won't stop, she said she would, but she continued to lie and you caught her again. TELL.

Then give her what you need to stay - no ultimatums, no threats - if she doesn't do what you need, you will do what you feel you have to when you are ready to do it. She must leave that job, she must show to you that she has ended the affair and is no longer in contact with him, she must get tested for STDs, and she must re-commit to the marriage.

What is their work-relationship?

What you do is let her know she’s free to be with OM.

She can date him, go out with him, introduce him to the family, have sex with him… whatever.

BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE.

Marriage doesn’t offer time-outs. If she wants OM and to keep her job and all that then the marriage is over. That is not unless you are willing to share her. You don’t agree to a separation or you leaving the house. Her decision to choose OM over the marriage is the decision to divorce.

Tell her that unless she clearly commits to the marriage you simply assume she’s chosen the OM. That you are starting what’s needed to wind down the marriage. If she wants to work on the marriage then fine, you will wait. But until and unless she is clear on what she wants and shows you with clear and accountable action… YOU move out of infidelity.

Do you know for sure OM is single? Remember cheaters lie, a lot.

Call her parents and tell them to come get her. Under no circumstances do you leave the house. Instead tell her to go live with her single lover and you and the kids will be fine without her cheating ass.

Being tough and shocking her out of the affair is your only shot at saving the marriage .

You should tell her that if she goes to work in the morning you are going to the lawyers office nad filing divorce on grounds of adultery.

Open your own bank accounts and get her off of your credit cards.

Sorry you are here. You have ever gotten great advice, she wants separation, put all her stuff on porch change locks, call her parents and file. Shock her into reality! Do NOT be her cuckold. Don't drink, try to eat and get a var, keep it on you at all times. Take care of you and your kids, she is gone for now.

If she truly wants to work on the marriage, the very first step should be immediately ending all contact with the OM. Full and immediate NC. Without this you'll be wasting your time by even giving her a chance.

The separation option here is bullshit. That's her chance to keep screwing him with you as the sucker in waiting as plan b.

Refuse to be the backup plan. Either she's all in with her husband, or the marriage is over.

Good luck.

Sorry that you are here. But, you should NEVER HAVE TOLD HER ABOUT YOUR SOURCE OF INFO.

Especially since you are now looking at boundaries etc going forward. You will never know if anything she tells you in future is the truth.

The facts as you have it are

She is more attracted to him than you. Especially with regard to sex.

She wanted you out of the house so that she could fvck him freely.

She will do it with him anywhere including the car.

She lied when you caught her first time.

She thinks nothing of cheating and lying.

The only reason she is sorry is because she caught. There is no guilt whatsoever.

This marriage is more than over.

There should be no question of reconciliation going forward. I know that you have kids but they will not be better off in a miserable home. So don't stay together just for the kids.

Barry22, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Listen to your wife be taken must have been gut wrenching.

You have to know that she has been having sex with OM since BEFORE she asked for the separation. When a wife is asking for a break, it is so she can test drive another man without your watchful eye. It will also allow her to go out in public with the OM. She's tired of sneaking around having sex in a car. She wants to bring OM to the house, which is why she wants you to move out.

She's crying to save the marriage but don't be surprised if she goes back to wanting to be with OM.

Another poster, ManualGTR's STBXW was begging and crying at his feet after he had her served and exposed. But the next day she's back with OM. you have to search inside yourself if you want to R and prepare yourself mentally for your WW not being able to let go of OM.

There is no way you can pursue R with her working there. Don't rush to R. What you heard on the VAR has probably been going on several times a week for past few months.

You need to make her get tested for STDs and take pregnancy test. Don't buy any, "we used protection." Even though most times sex in a car turns out to be a BJTC so the pregnancy is unlikely.

You are in a supremely shitty place. Reading your post, it was 90% similar to my own. I'm just a couple of months ahead of you.

My best advice: dig as deep as possible, find everything inside you that you have to take the leap of faith in following the advice here, even when it's all so new and surreal for you. Begin changing your actions/mindset right this moment. You will not regret it.

What Bigger said above is where to start. I suggest checking his profile (happy face icon) and reading as many of his comments to new people as possible.

Then, go here (FAQ #11):

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Read the list of 33 things from the 180. Copy them and put them on your phone and read them at least every day. Do them even if you're not ready to comprehend why you're doing them. You will see results very shortly.

Another imperative: KEEP CHECKING IN HERE. As soon as you begin implementing these steps, you will begin to see changes in your wife's words and actions. Be calm, cool, and patient. Don't take anything at face value, and make no quick responses. Take deep breaths and be patient, don't argue or say anything of major consequence, even when you want to. Bring what she's doing and saying back here and get advice with how to proceed.

NEVER TELL HER ABOUT THIS PLACE.

Here's an excerpt from someone (Chance 819) giving me advice the first day I was here:

Here is how you handle tomorrow

Be cold, distant, and stoic. You are a shining example of the strength of men. Her infidelity is simply an obstacle that must be overcome. You are the leader of your family. She has decided that this piece of shit OM is more important than you and your children. She is willing to sacrifice your health and the prosperity of your children just so she can hear the OM say he loves her. She has chosen to leave your family and now you must make decisions. You will overcome it with or without her. She will question your behavior. Your response? "I'm deciding what the best way forward is for me and my children." They are now YOUR children. She is welcome to rejoin the family but the cost will be high. It must be high. This is important. YOU DECIDE THE COST. You are in complete control. A family has rights, however the members of the family all have obligations they must meet in order to enjoy those rights. She no longer meets those obligations. The family is still intact; just minus one member. Will you let her back in? Depends on her actions.

You love her. Forget that for now. Your children's future is at stake. Love has no place here right now. This is about making bold strategic decisions that will place your family in the best possible future. That future may not include your wife, perhaps it does. That is her call not yours. When you wake up tomorrow you need to begin living life as if she is gone. Its ok to let her know this. Do not engage in arguments or discussions. "Simple" is the name of the game tomorrow.

These words changed my life. This is the only way to go, it's your only chance at anything good, no matter what happens. Trust me, if you feel like you want to save the marriage, only these steps will get you anywhere. And if you're heading toward divorce, this is still the only way to go, for your sake. Follow the advice, do this stuff, and when you need support, we're here.

It's hard. You're not alone. Be strong and get to work.

(edit: punctuation)

[This message edited by Okokok at 7:26 AM, February 6th (Monday)]

I have read the 180, it's hard but I'm trying. I was told they did not have sex ever it was just making out. I have been online stalking this OM, he is divorced it looks like. I can't sit and wonder what about him can my wife not resist. During the encounter she said we shouldn't do this but that didn't stop her. We had a great marriage before this.....

barry,

So sorry you're here.

Can you please clear something up for us? DDay was January 17th - you pleaded with her about the OM, but it became physical on February 4th? Meaning, after you knew about OM? When your marriage was on the line?

And she thinks she has feelings for this guy, who she's known for a maximum of 5 months - to the degree that she's willing to destroy a 16 year marriage, break up a family, and devastate her 3 children?

Do I have that right?

I was told they did not have sex ever it was just making out.

Even if that's true -- is that ok with you? And sorry, it's probably not true. She will do anything she can to protect that truth, for fear of exposure or shame or whatever, because she has serious issues that you're just beginning to uncover. Even if they didn't have sex right at that moment, they probably have at some point. But again, even if they haven't, is "just making out" with another man ok in your relationship with your wife?

You are being fucked with. Don't take *anything* your WW says as truth. She is building a system of lies because she can't *own* what she's doing. She will see you destroyed before being honest about what's happening, and she's already beginning to destroy you. Don't let it happen.

You're in a conversation and she says "we just made out." You say "ok." That's it. There is nothing more to say. Don't argue, don't try to draw out more info. Don't raise your voice or try to talk. Go take a shower, go for a drive, go to work, whatever.

Don't engage in this nonsense.

[This message edited by Okokok at 7:42 AM, February 6th (Monday)]