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Trust your gut

Brotherskeeper26 posted 11/10/2020 20:18 PM

I haven’t posted here in a while. Rarely read here anymore either as I thought everything was good. That nagging feeling got me though. Trust your gut. Too messed up and confused to post more right now. Just trust your gut always

JanaGreen posted 11/10/2020 20:27 PM

So sorry that your gut was right - but it usually is. Sending you healing vibes.

devotedman posted 11/10/2020 20:44 PM

Sorry you had to come back, brother in adversity.

Thissucks5678 posted 11/10/2020 20:48 PM

Damn. I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re going through.

Brotherskeeper26 posted 11/10/2020 21:02 PM

I could honestly feel something. Only people that have been through this know what to look for and what to feel and be aware of. She took a shower, I looked at her phone and she had searched him on Instagram. Ok, probably not a big deal under normal circumstances but not after being cheated on. She got out of shower , I said “ you care to explain this” very calmly. She went immediately into attack mode, then into, “ I was making sure he was blocked” . Yeah. If your private and blocked why would you need to do that. We’ve avoided each other and played nice in front of kids. Normally I’m the one to start convos but nope, I’m done, I’m pissed, let’s see what excuse there is this time.

survrus posted 11/10/2020 22:29 PM

Brothers,

If she is innocent she won't object to a polygraph then.

Was the affair from a few years back exposed the OMW told?

BearlyBreathing posted 11/10/2020 23:45 PM

Sorry Brother. You know the routine— take care of yourself and decide what is best for you.

tushnurse posted 11/11/2020 08:31 AM

(((BK)))

I nothing changes then nothing changes. In the past (a little over a year ago) you posted this.

If I don’t do this now, I never will”. Told her I would stay until Xmas for the kids and be the fantastic dad I always have been. But If things didn’t change between us, I would file for divorce after Xmas.

So what changed that you stayed. Did she acutally start doing some real work, or just enough to keep you hoping, or did you just find it easier to stay?

So I'm sorry you are hurting, but she obviously isn't going to do the real work. So How do you plan to move forward?

Thumos posted 11/11/2020 08:53 AM

She went immediately into attack mode

When a WW expertly DARVOs you it means they are unrepentant and not remorseful. They are privileging themselves and their own self regard over you. DARVO is gaslighting. It is an act of verbal and emotional abuse.

Bigger posted 11/23/2020 09:26 AM

Brotherskeeper

To preface: You sent me a PM and asked me to weigh in on your situation.

I went through your older posts…
To me it sounds like you and your WW avoid confrontations and allow things to reach the boil. Then when the pressure is too much you both lash out, threats about divorce and all that are made, you both sulk for a couple of days or weeks and then things go back to normal. Only things again reach the boil. Maybe a week, maybe a month maybe some months later. Its more like you two are distinctly separated individuals rather than a husband and wife.

This last post is no different. Despite your “I knew it” comment then I doubt much will change and frankly I expect you to next post 3-6 months from now when the pressure again builds up.

I think it might be a good idea for you to sit down alone and think really hard what you want.
Basically, it should be to reach a decision on if this is the woman that you want to grow old with.
Note I don’t say is this the marriage. This marriage is crap. It’s broken. To me it becomes an issue of do you want to create a NEW marriage with this woman or someone else?
Keep in mind YOU wanting something is not enough. Well… if you think this is not the woman for you then that’s totally in your hands. But if you still want to try… well… then you need her to be on the same course as you.

If you decide that despite the present situation then you want HER. Then your next step IMHO would be to ask her what she wants.
Be very clear here.
If it’s you and this marriage then a) this marriage is dead, whatever you two might have needs to be something new and b) you come with conditions. Not unreasonable conditions and not unilateral conditions: You plan on being monogamous just like you expect her to be monogamous. You are willing to commit and you expect her to commit.

Be clear that if she wants OM, pines for OM or whatever then she is totally free to go be with him. Make this very clear to her: NOTHING is holding her from OM or from reaching out to OM other than SHE HERSELF. You can’t and won’t stop it if that’s what she wants. All you can do is refuse to be in a sham of a marriage if she wants the OM. But it’s HER call on this issue. If she remains with you it’s because she DECIDED on her OWN free will to be there.

If either you don’t want this woman OR if she can’t commit to the marriage… well… accept it. It beats thinking things might be OK, letting the pressure mount up and then finding out she’s been googling OM or whatever.

The divorce? Well… frankly I think we tend to make too big an issue over the Big D. It’s definitely not a nice and enjoyable experience, but if both approach it with sense it’s not as bad as… say… discovering six months from now that she still thinks the OM is the White Knight. Make this too clear to her: Divorce is a better solution than remaining where you two have been for some time, and that the laws will ensure you both get a relatively fair deal in D. Fear of D is not a good reason to remain married.

But if you both want this marriage… Well… MAYBE start thinking you need to do something new. Something different.

I think that if you can both come to the table with honesty then it goes a long way. Where you simply look at each other and say, “our common goal is to make a marriage of the kind we both want”. Followed by “this is what we want” (where you place AND GET ACCEPTANCE for the demand of monogamy). Then you ask yourself how do WE as a team and WE as individuals get there? What changes do we need to make on how we interact? What changes do we need to do to ourselves? How do we reestablish mutual trust? What can WE do and where do WE need HELP?

Its not easy, and there isn’t any guarantee you two want the same thing or can make the changes, but for ME it beats the sh@it out of the present let’s let things build up and be dejected again path I think you two are following.

fooled13years posted 11/23/2020 15:04 PM

Brotherskeeper26,
So sorry Brother. If you are done then be done.

You gave her a chance and she wasted it. I am not sure that anything would change with that in the future.

Some WSs, when given a second chance, go out of their way to help their BS to feel safe and try to rebuild some trust but it would appear as though your WW is not one of these.

This0is0Fine posted 11/23/2020 15:37 PM

So sorry you are going through this again.

You know your problems better than us.

You know what you can take. You know when you've had enough.

I hope you find the strength to advocate for your needs, whatever they are.

Inshreds posted 11/25/2020 14:28 PM

BrothersKeeper26 How are you doing? Check in with us.

Stevesn posted 11/25/2020 16:40 PM

A year
Ago you told her things needed to change or you would file for D in the new year. What happened? Did she change? Did you file? Are you ready to go through with it?

Bigger posted 11/27/2020 06:55 AM

Brother

Only because you reached out to me… You KNOW I don’t keep from the truth as I see it.

I warned you of a pattern: Pressure builds up, you or WW explode, you post on SI and then you disappear… Only for a repeat some time later with a new issue or an old unresolved issue…

Well friend – and I mean friend because I’m saying this with the attitude of a friend that’s pulled you aside for a serious talk – Is it repeating itself? You don’t answer. Don’t respond. We don’t know if you are taking any of this in…

We that have posted might not be on the same wavelength, but each answer is intended to help. Accept that help and make changes. It doesn’t have to be divorce nor does it need to be a 100% commitment to reconciliation. Maybe simply a decision to CHANGE and see where that leads to.

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