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Confused. But took steps to get help

Gottagetthrough posted 10/24/2020 06:28 AM

I came into this forum around February Iíd guess. It was around the time I saw my old divorce attorney.

Iíd post and people would give advice on divorce, and at first I thought, ďIím not really getting divorced. Wh will turn around, he wonít want to lose me. ď

But he didnít and I kept posting here. And there was a reason why. Subconsciously Iíve wanted to leave for a while. Probably ATLEAST since November 27 when Dday 2 happened.


Iíve thought long and hard. I do not want to reconcile. I do not want to put in the time and effort. WH never will put in the time and effort. I absolutely love him when heís on his meds and being the funny smart guy I know. But thatís about 25% of the time now.

The other 75% he gets a ďlookĒ in his eye and will call me names, yell at me, tell me how stupid and fat and ugly I am. He will make fun of my mother, who is an amazing woman and has only helped us, if I ever bring up the fact that his mom was friends with OW1 and invited her to her home and told her that I wasnít worth her getting upset over, and told me AFTER the affair was over that ow was a great woman with a fantastic career (Iím a SAHM)


There is too much hurt that he wonít address. He lost his job because of OW2. Donít tell me it was an manic episode, you donít quit and have a huge thing at work because of a ďfriendĒ... what happened was the end of an affair .be it an emotional affair, it was an AFFAIR

I called yesterday to get an appointment for anti depressants and to see my therapist. Hoping in the new year we can work on getting me over my fears of leaving (Iím sure being called fat and having him say how EVERYTHING I do is stupid for 20 years hasnít been good for my self esteem)

Stupid things Iíve done:
Cloth diaper
Breast feed
Going to see friends far away (youíre driving 2 hours to see her? Thatís so stupid!)
Grad school (you want a PhD? Thatís stupid! You donít need a piece of paper, you can just by books and read them. Ok.. go to class and have someone else tell you what to think after you read a book)
Homeschooling
Having my kids in sports that require lots of commitment (that the kids want to do)

I donít think any of these are stupid. These are interests. We just donít see eye to eye on anything and I want to have a family that focuses on raising great kids. He wants a narcissistic feed.


I told him yesterday that the kids and i are going to see my family for thanksgiving, then I added, and Christmas too. He asked if he could come. I told him I didnít think it was a good idea

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:37 AM, October 24th (Saturday)]

squid posted 10/24/2020 07:06 AM

Did you file already?

I suspect your WH will continue to disrespect you because he does not believe you will ever really leave him. I bet his attitude will change once he gets served.

The question is will his attitude change enough to make him want to do the work?

Remember, the "25% guy" you think you're in love with is not who he really is. That's just the mask he wears. The guy he is 75% of the time is who he actually is.

People fake being nice all the time. When the dark, ugly side emerges...that's what you need to pay attention to. Then act accordingly.

You're right. He's only concerned with himself. None of those things you mention sound stupid at all. He likes knocking you down a peg or two to help him feel better about himself.

Stop being his wife. Start living your life how YOU want to live it. Be the mom you want to be. Do the things you want to do.

Most importantly, tell your attorney to draw up those papers and have them filed.

{{edited for typos}}

[This message edited by squid at 7:08 AM, October 24th, 2020 (Saturday)]

ibonnie posted 10/24/2020 07:48 AM

I think you're waiting for your heart to catch up with your head... but I'm glad you're listening to your head and taking steps to get away from an abusive WH.

You are not stupid, Gotta. You will get through this, and you (and your kids!) will be better off on the other side. No one deserves to be told they're stupid all the time.

(And p.s., I cloth diapered, too, and loved it. They work so much better than disposable diapers and are better for the environment and your wallet, too.)

The1stWife posted 10/24/2020 10:54 AM

My H told me all kinds of negative things about me during his affair.

I took a big hit to my self esteem but I rebounded on dday2 when I no longer cared what he thought. I realized I was letting a liar and cheater tell ME what was wrong with me.

You realize heís jealous of you. Heís jealous you have a life he wishes he had. You have goals and accomplishments and success and joy.

He doesnít have any of that. Which is why he puts you down. Itís the only way he can make Himself feel good (in his mind).

See him for the bully he is.

skeetermooch posted 10/24/2020 11:57 AM

Your entire list of "stupid" things are all really smart things! I've done them all except homeschooling and the addition of that makes you a full fledged rock star!

You are amazing. You can do this.

ZenMumWalking posted 10/24/2020 12:08 PM

All these 'stupid things' that you've done, with the exception of home schooling, are the same decisions we made - together. If WH would have berated me for any of these things, those would have been big fat flying red flags.

You know what my OB said to me as DS1 was coming out? I had kind of gotten 'comfortable' with not pushing because I was afraid of the pain. And he said 'it's not going to stop hurting till the baby comes out'. And on the next contraction I PUSHED as hard as humanly possible (or maybe even harder!!) and he was out on that next contraction.

And doc was right. It stopped hurting.

Gotta - push that baby out. ie, get that D going and see it through. You cannot imagine the relief and freedom you will feel once he is gone and the cord is cut.

Right now, all you can see is the way things are and how you WISH they would be. You WISH WH would take responsibility for his cheating (yes and EA is cheating), you WISH that he would hold you in the regard that you deserve, you WISH that he had not decided to fracture your family..... but as my father used to say: if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

Read and re-read and re-re-read the thread on fear vs. reality. Step on the gas with that D. Hold your nose and close your eyes and jump into the swimming pool.

What could it hurt? You have NOTHING left to lose (with the exception of one big fat POS WH) and everything to gain.

Fear not and push that baby out.

((((ggt))))

crazyblindsided posted 10/24/2020 21:04 PM

Iím glad you are looking after yourself. What horrible things he has said and MIL sounds like real peach guess the apple doesnít fall too far from the tree.

tushnurse posted 10/25/2020 08:53 AM

Baby steps Gotta.

He is an abusive fuckstick.

180 180 180. Gray Rock.

I think time away is vital for you finding strength and courage to forge forward. To see how you can be happy and fulfilled and not tolerate his crap.

You know those things you have done are smart and worthy investments into your family.

((((And Strength))))

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