Justkeepgoing26 posted 10/18/2020 11:36 AM

Hi all

We are in R.

WH has changed jobs which means he no longer has a company car. He has also taken a pay cut but means he will be home more. He has been looking at cars the last few days. We have two little ones and he decided he wants to buy a 2 seater sports car but it has to be a newish one with top spec (which we cannot afford).

This week he has also purchased a new tv that we don’t need without speaking to me and is waiting to order a new PlayStation which I “allowed”, it’s something he has always had and is his hobby - he does competitive online racing on some evenings.

I’m fuming; the car isn’t appropriate, it’s expensive and not practical for our family, we do have a family car but if he needs to pick the kids up they won’t fit.

I actually had a breakdown about it this morning and just exploded. I told him he needs to buy a practical car- preferably one that will fit the kids in and also his new tv and playstation 😂

I’m so cross- he said he doesn’t get my problem with the tv. It’s not so much the tv, it’s the fact he went behind my back and ordered it, I have no say in the matter, it’s my money too, if my opinion didn’t count for a tv it’s not going to count towards a car.

We also had a chat the night before as I am shattered. recently suffered two miscarriages, first monthly since that and I caught my little ones cold. He said he would get up with the kids this morning and didn’t, he stayed in bed whilst I got up with this.

After my rant he was downstairs washing up and hoovering, silver lining and all that!

Aah sorry rant over. Sometimes I just feel like what’s the point.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/18/2020 11:48 AM

What is he doing to help you R? Is he in IC?
It sounds like communication and partnership are still lacking.. and that’s a problem (as you know).

This0is0Fine posted 10/18/2020 12:42 PM

There are practical sports sedans out there, and if you buy used aren't too hard on the wallet.

Sure, never as sporty as a two seater, but the man should be at least a little practical.

I'm not really sure what the market looks like in the UK but something like a 4 seat coupe at least should be available as semi-practical, mostly sporty (in the US we are in a second golden age of muscle cars with the Mustang, Camaro, and Challenger).

Anna123 posted 10/18/2020 19:01 PM

We have two little ones and he decided he wants to buy a 2 seater sports car but it has to be a newish one with top spec (which we cannot afford).

WTH??????? Is he TRYING to make you go ballistic?

Okay, I will calm myself down now. I was married to your husbands twin so the spending money you don't have thing still hits me wrong.

I actually had a breakdown about it this morning and just exploded.

Which is a legitimate response. Beyond his disrespect of not being a team player with you AND then demeaning you by asking what's wrong with the TV-- this disregard for planning financially has an underlying stress that does not go away. No matter how nice he is now. He has to understand this.

Thinking and aware human beings feel deep down a need of shelter, food, clothing etc. In the modern world being smart with finances, no matter how limited, is what secures these things and meets that primal need. It is scary for some of us to be on the edge like that and for our partner in life to blow that off constantly is unsettling to put it mildly.

I hope he is just being a temporary dolt in the moment and sees the errors of his ways going forward.

Take care.

The1stWife posted 10/18/2020 19:23 PM

He has trouble understanding how to work as a team.

He doesn’t respect your opinion either.

A two seater sports car? Why - so he can impress the ladies? Hmmmm.....he only needs to be impressing you.

I would be suspicious.

somanyyears posted 10/18/2020 19:36 PM

..jkg26.

Tell him to wake the fuck up... 2 kids and 2 seaters don't work.

...and how about he grow the fuck up... put the fancy sports car money into an education fund for his children.

What a selfish ass you married!

Stay safe..

smy

crazyblindsided posted 10/18/2020 21:10 PM

...and how about he grow the fuck up... put the fancy sports car money into an education fund for his children.

What a selfish ass you married!

This ^^^ my STBX thinks he's Peter Pan too. Tell him to look in the mirror.

Rose2206 posted 10/18/2020 21:45 PM

sounds like he seems to be using maybe the purchases somehow as coping mech for something? To proof himself something? Def. lack of communication big time. And I am sorry you are going through this.
To me it seems like he is trying to compensate for something else, not sure what...
Very unhealthy way of coping, considering he is using BIG purchases and NOT talking to you about it...

Justkeepgoing26 posted 10/19/2020 00:59 AM

Thanks all!

I Thought I was having an over reaction.

So after the argument we actually spoke properly. He wanted the 2 seater as he thought it wouldn’t matter as we have a bigger family car, I told him isn’t single with no children and that’s not what you do as a parent of two and a husband who is trying to prove he is trustworthy., same with the tv.

I told him I am at breaking point in the relationship, he needs to start working hard on us or he can leave. I said that communication is not good and it will not work if he doesn’t start improving on this.

He has Now purchased something practical and within our budget. It’s a nice car, I have owned one before. He has worked for the brand also.

To answer some of the questions- he was in IC but not anymore, I currently am, started last month. Rose- this is my main concern as the prostitute seemed to be his coping mechanism when his mum was dying and his change of jobs a few years ago. With his jobs over the last 10 years he has always had the newest and top spec car which is changed every 2-3 months. I think he probably still wants that but he cannot afford that as the cars he want will no longer be at the reduced company car price. I was a bit harsh and said at least all his money is going on cars and TVs rather than prostitutes.
Smy- that was pretty much my response- selfish, disrespectful and grow the f up!

somanyyears posted 10/19/2020 08:12 AM

..hi jkg26..

Your WH may be using the car he drives as the measure of his manhood, success status and of course, the fancy 2- seater is a 'chick magnet'.

When the hookers see the expensive car, they know they can charge top dollar for their services.

He doesn't want 'other' women to see him as a daddy with two kiddy car seats in the back. No longer is he the 'hot chick magnet' in 4 door 'family car'.

Now... if money is no object, he can buy a third car to retain his ego status as to what makes him the man, the husband and the father he thinks he is. And still put money to an Education Fund for his kids...

..and maybe buy you a nice fur coat....but not a "Real" fur coat... that's cruel!
If he had a million dollars...
Can a car really do all of that??

smy

tushnurse posted 10/19/2020 08:50 AM

Damnit SMY ....

..and maybe buy you a nice fur coat....but not a "Real" fur coat... that's cruel!
If he had a million dollars...

Now I got that going through my head...

I have to agree, you need to be keeping an eye out for red flags and these are some. The two seater, the TV, the game. He should be focusing on the family and your needs. Not his toys.

somanyyears posted 10/19/2020 09:04 AM

..

Hey tushnurse.. how ya' doin'?

Yes, it's a catchy tune.. always sing along when I hear it!!

t/j over

smy!

BraveSirRobin posted 10/19/2020 09:20 AM

He should be back in IC. He has a history of self-medicating feelings of inadequacy with acquisitions that generate ego kibbles -- flashy cars, prostitutes, etc. If he just stuffs the desire for the car down inside himself, it will create resentment that pops up as entitlement somewhere else.

I would worry about relapse if he isn't capable of seeing on his own that the car doesn't fit the constraints of the life he's chosen. He needs to rewire to understand that he's a family man of his own volition, not a victim of circumstance.

ann1960 posted 10/19/2020 14:06 PM

Wow. Just wow. Men!

My husband loves loves loves his car. After DD I asked him to get rid of his “date mobile.” I hated that car and resented even getting in it. We moved from southern CA to eastern WA where it snows. We live up a 2 mile steep windy road and need a 4x4. He ignored my requests to trade in his sexy sports car for a practical truck. Sooooooooo,

I walked into a Land Rover dealership and bought myself a Range Rover! Problem solved I now have a safe snow car. He can keep his shitty impractical sports car where his gf rubbed her ass all over my seat, held hands, smooched, made out, showed off.....cause I will never sit in that car again!

Now that he sees me drive this beautiful new car he wants a new car too. Ah no, the car budget is gone! Bask in your own car!

somanyyears posted 10/19/2020 14:38 PM

@ann1960.. ..and I'll bet he will be wanting your Range Rover to tow his sorry ass out of a snowdrift before too long!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 10:04 AM, October 20th (Tuesday)]

brokenInDenver posted 10/19/2020 14:41 PM

whoa... its not all men ann :-). I had a minivan and it was my favorite car. I mean it had 16 cup holders! Actually I liked it because it said "I'm married... I have kids". That made me proud you know, I felt like people would see me in it and I could say to myself yep... I made 'the show'. I mean why else would anyone buy a minivan? ;-)

We sold it though. She had sex in the back of it with one of her AP and i wouldn't ride in it ever again. Thinking about it now maybe it isn't my favorite car so much. Sometimes I think that the worst part of an affair is not just that it robs you of your future... its that it robs you of your past.

Also... FWIW I don't think you're over reacting. I think your husband purchasing a TV without your consent or even discussion is absolutely a trust violation. The reason he didn't discuss it with you is he didn't want you to be practical and say "no" and then he wouldn't have the TV. He might see it as a minor thing but it absolutely caused a trust injury. i suspect he might lack the emotional maturity to see it that way though. The sports car is just him being selfish and/or childish. You shouldn't have to manage him about managing money.

ann1960 posted 10/19/2020 22:08 PM

I have driven a minivan my entire marriage. When I bought the Range Rover I kept the minivan too! No way am I giving it up. Actually I thought it “might” occur to my husband to give up his Audi. But noooooooooo we still have the F’ing car. At this point since I don’t ever have to sit in it again I don’t care.

With that car some bad stuff has happened. He hit a Hollywood talent agent who was riding a vispa. We got sued for 3.5m. So that piece of bad luck hung over my husbands head for 2 years. He was having his affair, I hadn’t found out yet. We were in Los Angeles at a framing store getting some artwork framed. Oh, the mother fucker, another name for my husband, was having an Adams family piece that states, “are you unhappy darling? Oh yes, yes! Completely.”

I thought WTF? He said, oh it’s dark humor it means the opposite. People will love it.

Umm, no actually I hate it. It’s stupid. I’ll deal with it later.

IrishGirlVA posted 10/20/2020 07:54 AM

In a nutshell, the underlying problem is still there.

He wants what he wants when he wants it. Without regard for you.

Until he figures out what hole he is trying to fill within himself, his pattern of trying to make himself feel better with 'stuff' (animate or inanimate) is going to continue.