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Donít know what to do

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Marlita posted 10/21/2020 19:29 PM

Thank you Cooley!
Powerful words indeed!
Iím definitely in a conundrum.....I canít bear to tell my kids, or my 4 year old twin niece & nephew, let alone the rest of my family!

Cassandrae posted 10/24/2020 21:14 PM

Welp today was the deadline for an answer ... and he wants to stay and work on us. So now we'll see.

LemonSpearmint posted 10/25/2020 14:26 PM

Cassandrae, sounds like you got the answer you were hoping for.
Hoping it all goes really well for you.

Cassandrae posted 10/26/2020 11:10 AM

Thanks Lemonspearmint!

It's funny. Been waiting so long for an active choice. Now feel almost rudderless and confused. There is relief, and joy, because now I feel like we can actually see if we can do this thing (reconcile & rebuild), but am also so very wary. Am continuing work on myself (looking for a job self care etc).

My therapist (and apparently his as well) was flabbergasted at the conversations we've had over the past week, subjects covered, depth etc. Mine in fact made the comment that a marriage counselor might slow us down at this point. Which feels odd because that was one of my non negotiables. So am taking this next bit of time to research and find someone *I'm* comfortable with - that we can go see a few months down the line, if that's where we're at.


sisoon posted 10/26/2020 11:46 AM

Agreeing to MC is different from doing it.

Usually the problem is that the WS agrees but delays actually doing it. If, in your case, MC turns out to be unnecessary, is that a problem? If you've achieved what you wanted to achieve when you made MC non-negotiable, is that a problem?

Remember, MC treats the M, but the M didn't fail - your H did.

It's almost essential to go into R with requirements, but no one knows what R is going to be. Sometimes requirements change. That's OK when both partners are doing the necessary work. Finding out that a requirement really isn't a requirement can be mind-boggling, though.

totallydumb posted 10/26/2020 12:16 PM

I went back and read your original thread. It seems that you have been very passive with your WH from the first time you suspected anything. Even your description of your confrontation is.... extremely passive on your part.

By your own words, you seem to be letting WH make most if not all the decisions. Why?

He has shown by his actions that he doesn't have your best interests in mind. What has he done to change this?

Is he now leading reconciliation and recovery?

Is he being transparent? Do you have access to all electronics (including his new phone that you did not have access to), all apps and passwords?

Has he sent a no contact email/message to the AP with your approval and with you present?

Is he actively researching infidelity healing resources to help both of you to heal? Books, podcasts, etc?

Have you both had a conversation about acceptable boundaries? Contact with the opposite sex?

I wish you the best in your recovery.

Carissima posted 10/26/2020 13:15 PM

Do you know for sure the affair has ended and NC has been firmly established? That the AP knows he's chosen you and his marriage?

Cassandrae posted 10/26/2020 16:10 PM

Totallydumb - Yeah I can see that. I'm not a runner or a fighter. Freeze party of one, that's me. First I had to dig myself out of the self blame/guilt/despair. Didn't have SI or a therapist for that part. Then I got into IC and slowly started putting boundaries in place. Baby steps I know, but I had none before. Once I started to wake up I also realised that I couldn't expect him to make healthy decisions. For lack of better words I was dealing with a trauma victim/addict. He's doing his own work, his own research, and has made an active, intentional decision. And that's what I was holding out hope for. That being said I'm a heck of alot stronger now than I was at this time last year. I have and will continue to communicate my boundaries as well as the repercussions for ignoring/crossing them.

Carissima - Do I know for sure-sure? No. Am I 99.9% certain? Yes. The conversations we had over the past week were the kind of soul baring "i'd rather have two root canals than confess this right now" ones that frankly I'd understood normally take place in front of an independent third party mediator. I'm comfortable that he'd told me everything that he can remember - and he's promised to be there and help me heal. Learned he's been doing his own research - and part of his stumbling block was the fear that he'd already done too much damage to repair. So uh queue the 'Into the Unknown' song?

Edited to add: this week during conversations I've also been refusing to accept any and all blameshifting - correcting those trains of thought in real time. "My personal code opened to two." "No you broke your personal code and twisted yourself into knots to justify it." etc.

[This message edited by Cassandrae at 4:14 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 10/26/2020 16:56 PM

I wish you all the luck in the world. It is so hard. There are no right choices when there are so few and they all suck. I have come to the conclusion that people in the middle of affairs are delusional. You canít reason with someone who canít think rationally. Brain chemistry is powerful and being ďin loveĒ is a form of insanity. We have all been there at some point, if not, we would have ever been in a position to be betrayed. Whatever your husband does, try to focus on being who you want to be. Someone who tries to calmly and rationally try to save your family? Nothing wrong with that. Someone who screams and throws things because of the lies and betrayals... BTDT, donít recommend it. Not because it was wrong. It may very well be what my husband needed to change his behavior. My being nice in the face of all he dished out over his years of alcoholism sure didnít work. But... it did not make me feel good about myself to become so angry. Ten years down the road, when you are looking back on now, what do you hope you will see of who you were and who you became. It ainít easy. Sometimes we donít have a lot of options. All you can do is your best to be who you want to be.

Cassandrae posted 10/26/2020 19:56 PM

Thanks Sisoon & Ladyogilvy

The MC thing is hard because I was so focused on it. But yeah you're right. Feels like this process is different for everyone - so while there may be a general rulebook, what works for some won't work for others. Right now I really am just concentrating on who I want to be and taking action to enforce that reality.

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