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Donít know what to do

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Cassandrae posted 10/17/2020 18:00 PM

My WS calmly walked into our bedroom today after their IC appointment and told me that they loved me and wanted a divorce.

Theyíd planned it all out, the conversation, the call and the drive to meet up with their AP partner (NC since July) The conversation didnít go as they planned. Went on for 6 hours. Sometime during the conversation they broke down weeping and said they were back to indecision. We talked some more. Then had sex.

Now instead of them leaving they/we are taking this week to talk.

I am so confused. So broken. I really donít know what to do right now other than enforce that they now musst choose: go or stay. There are little ones involved and 20+ year relationship. Help?

sshawness posted 10/17/2020 18:46 PM

Cassandrae, I am so sorry. After each trial with infidelity, we think we've hit our lowest point, but then get smashed down even more. Today was one of those days I guess.

I know that some of the SI veterans will give you some great advice. He broke NC which I know has you reeling. Damn it. You must of course draw your line in the sand. But I understand your desire to hold on to a 20+ year relationship. Maybe if you can just get through the week together, cool the emotions and focus on the kids (and of course NC with the AP), maybe then you can gather your thoughts.

Just read that back, and I'm really no help. My own personal success record is pathetic. Please at least know that I understand how hard this is, and I am hoping you will be able to find some peace.

The1stWife posted 10/17/2020 23:23 PM

You are living in limbo and to me, thatís like living in hell.

Do you have any support for yourself?

sisoon posted 10/18/2020 13:15 PM

Um ... is your use of 'they' because you want to be inclusive or because your WS is now 'they' by formerly-his choice? I've been trying to use inclusive language, but there are all those teachers in my head rapping me on my knuckles when I use a plural pronoun for a single person.


If my W had said she wanted a D, I might have said, 'I don't. Can we get back together?' If she had said, 'No,' I'd have helped her pack, or at least move out of the master BR.

But those weren't my only options. I could have helped her move out of my BR and said, 'Well, I don't know what I want yet,' and left it at that.

I go back to: what do you want? Do you want R or D? If you want D - maybe even if you're pessimistic about the probability of R - then your H saves you some energy.

IOW and IMO, your WS told you what they think they want, but you still need to look into what you want - even if it's not attainable. (After all, it's impossible to R, even if you want it, when your WS wants D.)

I strongly recommend finding a good D lawyer to find out your rights, obligations, probably settlement, etc. But if you're not ready to file, so be it.

But start with what you want, then decide what to do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:17 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

Chaos posted 10/18/2020 15:08 PM

Cassandrae they don't get to decide your fate. You do.

While you don't have to make that decision now, I do strongly encourage to take advantage of some free attorney consults and figure out what your options are and what your future would look like should D occur.

BTWs - your WH is acting like a flaming horse's patoot.

Cassandrae posted 10/18/2020 16:40 PM

Thanks all. Yesterday was bad. So so bad.
I do have a small support network which I reached out to (long distance), and then spent the rest of the evening/ night walking our little subdivision, crying and praying. This morning my WS and I had another chat. I know what i want- reconciliation and recovery. In fact when I outlined my plans for whichever he chose (R or D) I gave him My list of non negotiable for R and he immediately fulfilled one (full disclosure finally where he admitted he had fallen in love with her- somethingís heís avoided/shifted for almost a year and is part of whatís tripping him up because he doesnít feel Ďromantic loveífor me).

Not sure how this weeks gonna go. He isnít either. Which is ironic, he had no plans either than D and leave. But heís still here and today heís been acting different. Just donít know if itís a sticking kind of different or a sleep & pressure relief different.

Iíve spoken with a lawyer and all that - but my WS informed me that heíd already run the numbers, figured it all out and would leave me the house, kids, full physical custody etc... that they only thing he couldnít do for me was health insurance. Not that I wouldnít/wonít still retain a lawyer but *shrug*

Thanks all for being here in this crappy emotional boat with me.

The1stWife posted 10/18/2020 19:08 PM

I donít want to give you false hope but dday2 when I told my H we were D b/c there was no reason to stay married. I did my best for six months after Dday 1 while he continued to cheat and let me believe we were reconciled (happily) while he planned to kick me to the curb.

Your H seems to be playing fair in what he is giving you in the D. But I know itís not what you want. You want to R.

Unfortunately you cannot control his choices or reason with him. Heís ďin loveĒ (or so he thinks b/c honestly most cheaters donít know infatuation from love) and is willing to throw his family away so he can ďbe happyĒ.

I tell this story and Iím sure most long time posters here at SI are tired of reading it. I donít blame them

My H was planning to kick me to the curb after 25 years of a good marriage to be with the OW who was much younger. And someone he knew about 5 months. I was blindsided.

At dday2 I blindsided him by telling him I was D him! Ever see the Seinfeld episode where George is going to break up with the pianist as a pre-emotive move - b/c he felt he had no power in the relationship? Well I pulled that move but I wasnít joking.

I had 6 months to get my act together just in case. Well dday2 Iím glad I had a plan. Because it was execution time. I had $ in my name, a mediator lined up, finances together, custody figured and he was going to have to leave our home.

In one minute I changed the game and he had no power. He had no say or ability to make any decisions regarding me or kids.

In your situation heís practically out the door. You are right to force the ďme or herĒ issue. Read up on the 180 Healing Library. You are prolonging the pain and agony by continuing this back and forth.

Heís not chosen you yet hasnít let you go. That is cruel and wrong. He may live this triangle and ego boost but you do not have to play his game.

Iím sorry you are facing this. If heís so confused then he needs to go figure it out. But you cannot he expected to live in limbo waiting for him. Thatís what my H thought and expected. Until I walked away from him.

Cassandrae posted 10/18/2020 21:05 PM


He's got this week to decide. Originally it was November. Now after this failed trigger pulling he has this week. I've already chosen and have given up alot of 'power' by being open and honest about it. That being said, do have plans in place for either eventuality. Yesterday just blindsided me.

Ironically not about him asking for a D (had a nightmare about it which prepped me to not lose my temper). Nor about the in love part (again dream prep). No was blindsided by the 6 hour conversation. And the intimacy. And then more conversation this morning. And more mind blowingly intense/emotional connection intimacy.

Super Happy Fun Times, right?

LLXC posted 10/18/2020 21:14 PM

I really really hope the person who cheated on you truly wants to be with you and is not just trying to lull you into a false sense of security. I am really glad you arectalking to an attorney.

they don't get to decide your fate. You do

You get to decide if you are in infidelity or not. There are three options. Divorce. Remain with someone who stops partaking in infidelity. Remain with someone who continues with disrespectful behavior. The first is simple. You are master of your fate. It is a unilateral decision. The second - the cheater must change. So that involves the other person wanting the same thing you do. That is completely out of your control. The third - you can live with that indefinitely if you want, but two or one makes more sense.

She is in charge of her own fate to the extent that if a situation makes her ubhappy, she can change it. However, her SO is in charge of his fate too. If he doesnt wabt to be with her, she has no say in that. She also has no say in whether he continues to cheat. She does get to decide if she wants to be with a cheater or not.

The prpblem arises when two people want different things. Especially if she wants a relationship and he does not. And more so, if she wants a relationship and he does too, and a relationship with another person. If she wants a relationship with him, her fate is intertwined with his. Hopefully they want the same things. And hopefully he wants to be with her above all else. If not, then she must end it or live with him being with two people. And if she ends it, that might make him choose her. It might not.

dolly111 posted 10/18/2020 21:24 PM

I'm afraid that if your husband decides to stay, he will do one of two things, either cheat behind your back or make you miserable enough to throw him out. My husband stayed, but he was tense and clearly in love with someone else (of course, mine did not admit that he was having an affair). If your husband decides to stay, it will destroy your self-esteem to watch him mourn over someone else. Quickly, you will become someone that he will resent and it will show in his behavior. Give it a try, but be prepared to draw the line. My husband and I reconciled and have been together now for 4 years, but we only had a chance because I got evidence of the affair, confronted him and threw him out. During the last few years, I have changed and although I love him, it isn't like it was before the affair. If you choose to reconcile, your marriage won't be the same.

Cassandrae posted 10/19/2020 16:22 PM

Am just going to keep updating this thread if that's alright. Is helping to keep me sane.

Today is bad. Day 3 of 7 until decision deadline. He held me this morning while I told him about my nightmare last night. One I don't remember but woke up crying. How I had to go outside because the pain was too much. He apologized for sucking. We played a game together and then I had to get out of the house. Came back, made lunch for the kids, then left again for a drive.

I just can't get enough air. My chest feels like it's on fire and there's just not enough air.

cancuncrushed posted 10/19/2020 21:33 PM

Living in fear is a terrible place to live. They have created this fear for you. They are deciding what life looks like . It leaves you spinning.

This is your life. This is your marriage. Ap does not vote .
Decide what you want. Decide where the boundary is. And I force it. You have a say. Tell them what itís going to be. And stop waiting

I remember being afraid I would drive him into her arms. If I spoke up. If I came across as rude or controlling I knew she was loving him up. I had zero say. I had no voice. I was paralyzed with fear. I didnít want to make the wrong move and end years of marriage.

And it continued. My spouse saw how weak I was. How much I would tolerate. The goal posts moved. He could do more. Push the boundaries. And still not divorce. Split assets. He could manipulate Ap too. To keep hanging on. Waiting.
He lost all respect for me and the marriage. We became something to manage.

I found my voice. I made my boundaries. And I stuck by them. The marriage ended. He left for another random woman . What did I learn?

This marriage ended long ago. He was dragging it out because of divorce and money splitting. Just trying everything to have it all.

The fear was real. The fear was used. The situation was not changed by anything I felt. It was them against me. My spouse never stood by me. He protected their relationship
I had a huge wrestling match with fear. All by myself.
I hate that part.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:43 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

Cassandrae posted 10/20/2020 10:18 AM

Last night spoke with a friend who gave me a good hard wake up dose of spiritual support. And I realized all of the worry, all of the anxiety/fear - it was doing nothing but distracting me from the choices I've made, the path I've chosen, and the person I want to be. He gets to make his own choices. But I won't allow those choices to turn me into someone I don't want to be.

We talked again last night. Mostly I just listened. Almost fell asleep with my hand on his chest and his arm clamped on mine. And I slept like a stone. No dreams, no nightmares - the first restful full night's sleep I've had in forever.

Today is better. I'm calm. Exploring job options and taking care of the kids. I've had go bags packed for me and the kids for awhile now. Today those get unpacked. I don't need them anymore.

Stinger posted 10/20/2020 10:32 AM

You have certainly given up all your power. Are you ok being an option like this?

I know this is painful and feelmbad for you, but I do not think hanging around and tolerating this gives you much of a chance.

Cassandrae posted 10/20/2020 13:01 PM

I'm not okay with being an option. That being said the other person involved is on the spectrum and is stuck. As a human I empathize. At the same time there are limits to what I can or should endure.

Once he decides, well and truly, there will be no moving him. He will be as unshakeable as stone. That's part of why the events of the weekend shook me so badly. Because *I* knew, if he really did mean it, there would have been no talking. Nothing I could say would make any amount of difference. And at that point I wouldn't want to.

There is a deadline.

If at the end of the week he says he's out, I have a job lined up doing something that I used to love, with old coworkers that I trust and respect (which came as a complete surprise).

If he says he's in and his actions over the next few months prove otherwise, I'll STILL take the job. Aditionally have the contact information for a lawyer who knows the situation and has walked me through everything. I am ready.

If he says he's in and he really is ... then we'll dig into us and see.

No matter what happens I'll be okay. My babies will be with me and we will be okay.

thank you to everyone for your views and feedback. hate that you all are here ... but am so thankful that you are

Marlita posted 10/20/2020 20:49 PM

Itís been about 2-1/2 years since I found out that my H had been with someone else....WE were ďtogetherĒ since 12/2008.
WE got married 7/2013.
I found out that he had been with her, for 14 years, days before our 5 year wedding anniversary!
I am still not over it, after years of therapy & learning & admitting that Iím not a good forgiver.
Everything about our marriage, as of current, SUCKS!
I have accepted the fact that I canít change what happened, however, Iíve also learned that as a result, I donít feel special as he once made me feel. I canít even change my clothes in front of him anymore.
I still have, obligatory, sex with him....just as a pacifier.
But Iím still crazy horny, but just not with him.
Can anyone else relate?

Cooley2here posted 10/21/2020 07:02 AM

If he took a knife and stabbed you every day would you stay? This mental abuse is causing the same damage. Your body will pay the price. Do you honestly want to stay with someone who is gone emotionally? Itís abuse.

sisoon posted 10/21/2020 11:42 AM


Do you mean your H is on the spectrum, or his ap is on the spectrum?

And actually ... your last post indicates you do know what to do. You've set a boundary, and you have a plan for what to do if your H vilates your boundary.

That's a very good start on healing. I hope you keep us updated.

Notthevictem posted 10/21/2020 11:53 AM

Wishing you strength!

Cassandrae posted 10/21/2020 15:00 PM

Sisoon - my WS is on the spectrum. He's currently in that situation where the emotions are too much/contradictory and are also running counter to his logic.

Looking back through this thread it really has been me going from rug-pulled-from-beneath-feet to setting my boundary and being absolutely certain of my course. Feels like a years worth of adulting in a handful of days. Funny thing is I'm sleeping great now. No dreams. No nightmares.

Notavictim - thank you *hugs* Strength to you too. To all of you.

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