I haven't posted much here, as I've been trying to focus on healing. But we are slowly moving toward the end of the divorce process, and I'm struggling after today's meeting with my lawyer.
I don't spend much time these days comparing my life to WH's, or thinking about him and OW (he moved in with her as soon as he left me, about 1.5 years ago). But the divorce negotiations make it hard to look at all the numbers and see the vast inequities.
WH now lives in a two-income household, and they travel and do all kinds of things I can't afford. Once the divorce goes through, I'll likely be getting significantly less from WH, who will then have even more money to spend on all those extras, while I'll really be scraping by.
We have a teenage son who lives with me 100% of the time and sees his father very rarely. WH has never been particularly interested in being a father, and still isn't. After WH left, I finally came to understand that he had been emotionally and psychologically abusive for decades; I just couldn't see it until he was gone.
I have a pretty debilitating medical condition, which severely limits my ability to work and live a normal life. My therapist believes my health was directly impacted by the long-term toxic stress of living with WH. While it's possible I'll get somewhat better and be able to do more work, it's really unknown and unlikely to be a major source of income.
Clearly, it's good that I'm no longer with WH. I am thankful for my son and lots of things in my life. But I'm still dealing with the trauma of the affair, the years of abuse before it, and my challenging health. And on top of that, I'm looking at a difficult financial future. It's hard to see the massive impact of it all on me, while it appears that WH's life may actually improve from the divorce.
How do you reconcile yourself to the colossal unfairness of it all?
People keep telling me I'll feel so much better once the divorce is over, but will I really, even if my financial situation worsens considerably?
And, once we're divorced, we're still going to be tied by alimony (and obviously our son). My lawyer said I'll probably have to go back for an alimony review when my son is emancipated. So that'll be hanging over me, and it feels like the divorce will never really end if we're already planning to go back to court afterward.
Please tell me it will somehow get better.