X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Wayward Side

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Wayward Side

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Canít let go of AP

Firefly4 posted 10/11/2020 15:30 PM

I had an affair with a friend I have known for 3 years.í I confessed when my husband confronted me. I am in therapy, husband is in therapy. We are going to couples therapy. My husband wants our marriage to heal. I just donít know if my feelings for my husband are still there. I am having such a hard time letting go of my AP. Every time I think I am ready I just canít do it. I am really not sure I want to let go and if I am staying in my marriage out of guilt or if I really want to try. I feel awful and conflicted. Anyone else been in this position?

Lostallalone posted 10/11/2020 15:59 PM

You didn't give much detail but I have this for you.

First are you still active in affair?. If so your counseling is disingenuous. You must be NC to give your M a chance.

Second your feelings for AP is not real emotion but fantasy. Call it like limerance or affair fog but it isn't real world feelings. Affairs are when the two of you are acting and behaving perfect. If real world issues were injected into this relationship it would feel the same as your marriage.

You have said nothing about your husband. His feelings. You seem only concerned about how you feel. This is ok for a narscistst but is that what you are.

How do you stop being selfish???? By start giving.

How do you stop being a liar???? Start telling the truth.

Firefly4 posted 10/11/2020 16:51 PM

Thank you for your very honest response. My husband has been amazing and I am a complete a-hole for what I have done to him. He wants us to stay together and is very willing to work on our relationship. I just wanted to know if anyone else has been so conflicted and how they handled it. I am not making any excuses. What I have done has devastated him. He absolutely didnít deserve it. How do I get the feelings back that I once had for my husband. Will those feelings return?

JBWD posted 10/11/2020 17:31 PM

How do I get the feelings back that I once had for my husband. Will those feelings return?

You acknowledge that love is not passively received. You state that you are afraid you wonít ďget these feelings back.Ē I suspect (not to be snarky but based on new posters here- Among them ME when I got here) that at this point in time if pressed on why you cheated you might include the statement ďWe were drifting apart.Ē

If you re-assess how you understand love, and how you understand what you THOUGHT it was BEFORE, youíll find that you based love not on freely giving, but more based on what you RECEIVED from relationships.

NC needs to be a thing and now. I didnít and it destroyed most of my life. Even if you donít R, the person willing to accomplice himself to your betrayal is certainly not a person worth sharing life with.

All this leads to the fact that you need time to heal yourself. That needs to be independent of the fear of loss and the false sensations of affection you TOOK from your AP. You will need to get to the point where you understand that you might wind up alone, and be at least able to live with that.

Iíll post some tips from my experience in a bit..,

Snowyjune posted 10/11/2020 17:39 PM

Real love shouldn't be at the expense of anyone else.

What you have with AP is not reality, and your husband is the only one that will be truly hurt and broken beyond belief (not just you). The wounds we create are permanent.

Trust me.

Whatever you are feeling now, it wont be there days/ months/ weeks later. Believe me.

Reality with the AP is delusional, even if he is your friend.

Granted you might not feel what you want to feel for your BH now and it confuses you. But at least give him the dignity to choose his own path, instead of blindly leading him down this path of no return.

Keeping both with you is torturing everyone.

Your relationship and love for your husband should take centre stage, instead of the what ifs and not.

Go hard NC. It will hurt and you will feel lost.. but i promise you that if you and your hb work on yourself and each other, it will be better.

Dont be like me. Everyone deserves the choice and the truth at least.

The grace BH is giving you to continue loving you, are all limited.. and one day, when you come looking, when you finally decide, it wont be there anymore.

irwinr89 posted 10/11/2020 18:00 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:23 PM, October 11th (Sunday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 10/11/2020 20:44 PM

When you say that you're having a hard time letting go, do you mean that you're still actively involved in the affair, or that you can't get the AP out of your head? Are you still in contact with them? If so, is your husband aware of that?

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:24 AM, October 12th (Monday)]

crushed13 posted 10/11/2020 21:40 PM

I am in the minority but I do not believe that the feelings you have for AP are fantasy, limerance or false. It is a relationship that may not have been tested by Ďbabies and billsí but it doesnít mean the love isnít real.

I do think you should go NC with your AP while you decide what to do. And, I would advise you to consider if you would still end your M to live your life alone/single. Itís good that you are both in individually counseling and marriage counseling. Be honest, with yourself and your husband. Heís understandably devasted - donít drag him along if you know in your heart itís over for you.

Firefly4 posted 10/12/2020 13:28 PM

My husband and I are going away next weekend and I really do want to see if the feelings I once had will come back. I am not ready to give up just yet. I know one weekend away isnít going to magically change how I feel but does anyone have suggestions as to how to reconnect?

blahblahblahe posted 10/12/2020 14:11 PM

Perhaps you might want to try adulting. The world of fantasy for one often causes chaos for others and eventual consequences.

Your posts sound like you are very young and very much self-centered, in whatever relationship you hope to have with whomever in the future this perspective shall need to change drastically.

Jorge posted 10/12/2020 14:23 PM

I am in the minority but I do not believe that the feelings you have for AP are fantasy, limerance or false. It is a relationship that may not have been tested by Ďbabies and billsí but it doesnít mean the love isnít real.

Agree wholeheartedly. The fantasy is getting the dopamine high created by a relationship that can be had without the relationship problems that come from life day to day stuff. It's a life of no kids, no bills, no extended family dynamics and no stresses that define normal life.

AP's are like a vacation that people often want to think is real. It's similar to moving to Jamaica because of how it made you feel when you were there, and thinking if you moved there you would feel that way all the time.

It's easy to feel great over a glass of wine while sitting two feet from one another at a table with a candle between the affair partners, then go home to a wife or husband who's stressing over a spreadsheet wondering how to make ends meet......... or is upstairs giving baths to kids while keeping the other ones in line ....or is passed out on the couch from working 10 hours a day not including the commute.

Husbands ands wives don't seem too attractive when wearing battle scars that come with overcoming life's stresses and challenges. They're like the 10 year old family SUV that has french fries in between the seats and sand grains in the cabin from last Summer's vacation. When compared against AP's immaculate two seater convertibles that has no real function in the day in the life of a family of three, the family SUV stands no chance in uplifting the spirt of living of the WS.

AP's are rarely if ever projected in the same way the spouse of a proven couple would be, but waywards can't or won't see it until the AP becomes permanent of which such time warts begin to show. Having to deal with finances, illnesses, kids and conventional family challenges is what's real. AP's rarely have to pass this test because they're already held high on a pedestal after not having to do much other than kiss, have sex and give or receive compliments. For this they receive love, sex and affection, without having done much to earn it while the betrayed husband or wife has proven themselves not perfect, but highly worthy of being a real life partner.

I do think you should go NC with your AP while you decide what to do. And, I would advise you to consider if you would still end your M to live your life alone/single. Itís good that you are both in individually counseling and marriage counseling. Be honest, with yourself and your husband. Heís understandably devasted - donít drag him along if you know in your heart itís over for you.

Self honesty is paramount. If you can't find the value in your husband's love for you or can't feel it for him, consider ending it with him so that he can find the same love for himself you have allegedly found for you. Yes, he will be devastated, but not as much as he would having to compete for his own wife who's heart yearns for another.

Lastly. I was your husband twice, accept we weren't married. It hurt tremendously and in both occasions the best thing for my recovery was ending the relationship, as it allowed for immediate recovery. It's the old ripping off the band aid that inadvertently tears the scab off as well. But, it was the best thing for both parties. Your husband will be emotionally damaged, but when placed against the fact he'd have to manage your heart belonging to another, he'll see in time it's best for him to move on even if he doesn't want to. In time, a year, 2 or 3 years down the road he will see it and be better off for it.

Buck posted 10/12/2020 14:38 PM

FWIW, I struggle with the same thing firefly. I had 2 APs a few years apart. Second A lasted roughly 5 years. I am having a hard time completely letting go of her too.

Itís been a struggle. She seems to haunt me and sheís often in my thoughts. I understand the fantasy aspect of an A, but I also understand that it may be possible that AP might make a better partner for me. I seemed to be more compatible with her than I am with my wife.

Iím not just talking about sexual things either; Iím talking about stuff Iíve learned trying in recovery. Things like similar love languages, attachment styles, or even personality types.

The shit thing is an A is a horrible way to start a new relationship. Itís not fair to anybody involved and the outcome is almost always shitty. I totally see that now, but it doesnít change how I feel about the other person.

pinkpggy posted 10/12/2020 15:16 PM

You have not given a time frame for your affair length, how long has it been since dday, when and have you gone No Contact with the AP.

It took me a full year to get over my AP. My feelings just didn't come back for my husband magically. My feelings became different feelings mixed with guilt, shame, feeling like I needed to prove myself to stay, trying to get him to love me again, and the fact that I had an affair changed the dynamic of our relationship. He could not love me the way he did before, I could not love who I turned him into. You can't just hope feelings come back. You have to work at it together, and separate. You have to build a completely new relationship.

leavingorbit posted 10/12/2020 15:29 PM

Hi, Firefly. I agree with other posters that feelings donít magically come back. Marriage takes work, relationships take work... dishonesty and inauthenticity in intimate relationships are about avoidance, IMO. So Iíd ask, what are you working on in IC? What do they say?

MyAndI posted 10/14/2020 23:44 PM

Firefly4,

There can come a point where the BS offers you the door if you are not committed R. Your BS is in survival mode. If you do commit to R there will be anger stage in your BS at the six-month to one-year mark.

The BS will put up with a lot, but there does come a point.

Is your AP married, is he ready for you to be a permanent part of his life? Are you observing NC?

What steps are you taking to focus on your BH?

Firefly4 posted 11/28/2020 18:01 PM

I have finally gone NC with my AP but I am ashamed to say it was pretty much the final straw or my H that finally made me wake up. He found FB messages 2 weeks ago between my AP and I. I wish I had been strong enough to do this on my own. I hurt my H so much and I am so mad at myself. I am committed to working on my marriage. I think the affair fog has finally lifted. I was at a point where I didnít think I loved my H anymore but have realized that it is myself that I do not love. My H has been amazing. Any advice for what I can do to help him heal and heal our marriage?

Pippin posted 11/29/2020 11:01 AM

Your feelings can change. It takes time. Feelings emanate from beliefs, and your beliefs about yourself and your husband and your relationship are probably distorted. Getting to the bottom of the distortions will help the feelings. You might feel some pull toward the AP again at some point (or maybe not) - try to remember that what you are feeling has nothing to do with the person you were engaging with (who is, let's face it, a pretty foul person for being with a married woman). It's the shortcut to feeling good about yourself that you miss. Have Maia's survival guide handy if that happens. For your husband - be prepared for a roller coaster. Make sure he has all of the facts, the truth about what happened, and listen to him when he tells you about what it felt like to him, and be alert to things that you notice are helpful to him (though those might change over time, and something that works at 10am might not work at 11am, so be ready for that).

Return to Forum List

Return to Wayward Side

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy