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Past sexual history obstacle

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NeverTwice posted 10/9/2020 09:39 AM

My late husband and I got married when we were older. And we BOTH had a pretty chequered sexual histories.

But that never really mattered to either of us - we were faithful to one another for almost 35 years total - 32 of those married.

I know my opinion was this. I do not care about any of those women or any of their sexual encounters he had with them prior to meeting me. Because he chose me over all of them. Just as I chose him above all of the other men and women I had been in relationships with.

DragnHeart posted 10/9/2020 09:48 AM

Sorry just finished a round trip walking to the school to pick up Big D who decided to barf everywhere....I'm exhausted now. He didn't shut up the entire walk back home...omg and is happily eating his lunch...


He reads here, yes?

Interesting.

Yep. He is now. He showed me his browser history and it looked like the threads he is reading are in the wayward forum.

The thread he talked about was definitely in the wayward forum.

Westway posted 10/9/2020 13:16 PM

I have a good friend who's wife was a prostitute for a time before they dated. She had been essentially orphaned since she was twelve and ended up on the street and did what she had to do to survive.

He saved her from all that and she has been a loving and loyal wife to him, and they are going on 30 years married. She is open and honest with everyone about her past, and he seems at peace with it.

You did nothing wrong by dating brothers. Your cheating WH needs to delve into why he has such stupid hangups. Those insecurities are probably part and parcel as to why he cheated on you.

JBWD posted 10/9/2020 15:57 PM

He has no guy friends ro talk to...

This could potentially be telling. I had a HARD TIME making male friends for pretty much my whole life- I had a couple very close ones who I still keep in touch with 30 years later, but I was for some reason afraid to make male friends. It put me in a bad position given how I viewed my interactions with women (befriending then objectifying/obsessing) when I only felt I could be close with women.

I too was insecure about any sexual history- I have had few sexual partners (STBXBW is #4) and she was the only one with any prior partners: I think just a function of age and how I latched onto relationships... I for a LONG TIME got wrapped up about prior partners. Totally unreasonable.

I believe there’s a connection there. I viewed other men as competitors, was afraid of rejection, and wouldn’t take any chances being open. The exact same shit that let me build up false narratives and nurse unreasonable resentments while betraying my BW.

DragnHeart posted 10/10/2020 08:16 AM

Your cheating WH needs to delve into why he has such stupid hangups. Those insecurities are probably part and parcel as to why he cheated on you.

Yes, hes got to do some deep digging!


This could potentially be telling. I had a HARD TIME making male friends for pretty much my whole life- I had a couple very close ones who I still keep in touch with 30 years later, but I was for some reason afraid to make male friends. It put me in a bad position given how I viewed my interactions with women (befriending then objectifying/obsessing) when I only felt I could be close with women.

I too was insecure about any sexual history- I have had few sexual partners (STBXBW is #4) and she was the only one with any prior partners: I think just a function of age and how I latched onto relationships... I for a LONG TIME got wrapped up about prior partners. Totally unreasonable.

I believe there’s a connection there. I viewed other men as competitors, was afraid of rejection, and wouldn’t take any chances being open. The exact same shit that let me build up false narratives and nurse unreasonable resentments while betraying my BW.

Wow that's really interesting and insightful.


I dont think my wh has ever been close to anyone.

Then again neither have I. Dont have any "girlfriends".


I dont know if hes got any issue with my past sex life or if hes just using this as a tactic to be somehow controlling it just get some sick pleasure from getting a rise out of me.

GoldenR posted 10/10/2020 14:35 PM

Way back early on in our relationship, my real wife wanted to disclose her sexual history. She was crying when she came to me to discuss it. I remember my mind racing like crazy thinking of all the crazy shit she was about to confess.

She had a 1 digit number. Always one on one. Always several weeks between moving on from one partner to the next. She was crying so hard by the time she finished.

I hugged her and said, "I'm sure we'll be fine".

Somehow she thought she had a wild and crazy past. Lol

DragnHeart posted 10/10/2020 15:12 PM

Well I am not proud of my past but it is what it is. Wh having an issue with my past is his problem not mine.

siracha posted 10/10/2020 20:08 PM

Couples are typically somewhat matched in their prior sexual experiences and overall religious / lifestyle preferences . I can see it being a genuine issue when there is a true mismatch there. Usually people at opposite ends of the spectrum cant negotiate long term relationships with each other
Your prick of a husband otoh is just trying to make you feel bad Next time he talks about your past you should probably tell him his immature jealously makes all your other experiences seem twice as sexy as they actually were .

[This message edited by siracha at 8:52 PM, October 10th (Saturday)]

PSTI posted 10/13/2020 16:17 PM

I think if someone judges you on your past sexual choices, that isn't someone who accepts you for who you are anyway.

Sexual behaviour is used far too often as a way to shame people for having different desires, and that's not okay. Just because certain sexual activities aren't your cup of tea doesn't make them morally wrong. It just means you have different preferences.

As long as you discuss sexual compatibility and there is enough shared compatibility to keep you both happy, that's what matters. I find it pretty gross to judge someone based on sexual activities they've done in the past. Funny how nearly all of them tend to be men judging women too.

DragnHeart posted 10/13/2020 16:22 PM

He never ever brought this up until after his affairs. Like a way for him to put me on some low level like he was.

Hes been whining about no sex lately

That he needs to feel close and connected and sex is his way to get that.

I have told him that for me to want to have sex I need to feel safe, appreciated, loved, respected and I dont feel any of those things right now.

He keeps trying. I can at least appreciate that effort but it's going to take more than a few weeks for him to really get with the program and shoe me real change.

nekonamida posted 10/13/2020 16:56 PM

DH, keep letting him know and turning him down. He needs it to feel connected BUT he also wants it in order to feel like things are "okay" now and that he doesn't have to keep doing the work. I mean really, last week you turned him down for a hug and he thinks he can whine about sex all because he started reading? What about IC? What about HTHYSHFYA? This is the epitome of asking you to reassure him that it's okay for things to go back to normal now that you've gotten a few crumbs of effort out of him.

DragnHeart posted 10/13/2020 16:58 PM

HTHYSHFYA

Ok gotta ask what's this mean?

I have no desire to have sex. At all. Right now. To tired and sore and just not in the mood. So no worries there.

nekonamida posted 10/13/2020 17:10 PM

The acronym for How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

DragnHeart posted 10/13/2020 18:18 PM

Oh he read that book as well as a few others early on . They are in boxes downstairs somewhere.

Uts easy to read something but it's harder to look at oneself in the mirror and really see themselves for the shitty person they are. He has to take that step and dive in.

I already mentioned why IC is difficult. Due to covid theres not much of the in person shit happening right now and we dont have home internet to do online. My data on my phone is limited. Same with his phone.

Also I wont accept a female IC for him. After the last one nope not happening. I will not be told by an IC that demanding transparency, my boundaries and refusing to be his doormat while he oogles over other woman is something that's just unacceptable and harmful to him. That's the bullshit the last female ic told me and I wont go there again.

apache posted 10/13/2020 20:20 PM

DH

It seems like some internet connection might be worth the money.
Hughes satellite can be reasonable as long as you have a shot at some open sky.

Also, sounds like you had a bad IC who was female. I'd worry more about a good IC and less about the gender.

I'd have thought a male IC would be more excusing of ogling web models, I'm more than a little surprised a female IC didn't bust him for that. I'd say the odds still support more female IC's busting him for that than males.

Now if he can't concentrate if he's alone in a room with another female, that's another story.

Keep your machete sharp and your chin up, you're a tough cookie.

99problems posted 10/13/2020 20:44 PM

I never gave a shit about my stbxw's previous sexual history.
I did, however, care about her current sexual history.(starting when we became exclusive)
That proved to be an unfixable problem for our marriage. 🙄
Maybe I should have pried a little more, but I didn't want to be a jealous asshole.
I really didn't care about what happened before and trusted her. My bad.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 8:45 PM, October 13th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/14/2020 08:20 AM

It seems like some internet connection might be worth the money.
Hughes satellite can be reasonable as long as you have a shot at some open sky.

In my area of rural Ontario theres very few providers and all of them suck according to our community page. I have some open sky but also a lot of forest around plus very free towers relaying signal. Country life....


I'd have thought a male IC would be more excusing of ogling web models, I'm more than a little surprised a female IC didn't bust him for that. I'd say the odds still support more female IC's busting him for that than males.

He never discussed THAT stuff only how unfair it was for me to demand transparency and have boundaries etc..

Now if he can't concentrate if he's alone in a room with another female, that's another story.

No, he cant concentrate if there s vagina in the room. He can also sweet talk any vagina into believing anything he says. Our MC was male and he called wh out on his bullshit. That's why wh didnt like him.

WalkingHome posted 10/14/2020 10:35 AM

The term for it is "Retroactive Jealousy" and it is a very sensitive subject.


The difficulty in discussing it is that people will take it personally and view it through their own life...and nobody wants to be seen as bad or less desirable, so they will insult and mock anyone who has a standard that eliminates them as a partner.


The gist is that you will have people throw out "you are insecure/slut shaming/have a small pepe/aren't strong enough to handle a strong independent woman/aren't MAN enough/..." and so on.


This eliminates any ability to have a rational conversation.


The simple truth is that people have standards for behavior and deal breakers. Everyone is entitled to their own standards, whatever those may be, both men and women.


If he wants someone who is a virgin...great, his body, his standards, and his choices.

If he wants to marry an HIV positive prostitute he found on the corner...great, his body, his standards, and his choices.


There are deeper conversations about diminished ability to pair bond based on partner count, chemical and hormonal deficiencies due to partner counts, disease risk, divorce stats...all based on past sexual history and the issue of correlation vs causation.


But, it is almost impossible to have that conversation without someone personalizing it and doing a "I am the bestest most faithful partner ever and I had sex with 800000000000 people before marriage" or similar.

So, we have what we have...

cheatstroke posted 10/15/2020 06:42 AM

diminished ability to pair bond based on partner count

I think there is a diminished ability to pair bond based on partner count, but I wonder if it is more due to partner count discrepancy than just partner count.

Nobody likes to be the teacher all the time, and nobody likes to be the student all the time.

IMO, pair bonding happens best when both people have similar past sexual histories.

If you are a person who had a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, and regrets nothing, find someone who had a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, and regrets nothing.

If you are a person who had a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, and regrets it, find someone who had a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, and regrets it.

If you are a person who did NOT have a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, find someone who did not have a lot of wild sex with a lot of people.

If you are a person who did NOT have a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, and regrets it, find someone who did not have a lot of wild sex with a lot of people, and regrets it.

Do this, and you will be guaranteed happiness! (or at least have one less thing to fight about)

DragnHeart posted 10/15/2020 06:49 AM

Unless past sexual history is going to be brought into the current relationship (ie. If one is into BDSM and wants that with the new person) I really think past shit is just that. In. The. Past.

The current relationship and pair bonding should be based on open honest communication about what is liked/disliked with a focus on the current partner. Not what was or wasnt done before.

And I still think my wh nagging about this shit is his way of trying to make me as bad as him somehow. I had multiple partners so he went and evened the score bullshit.

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