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Past sexual history obstacle

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EllieKMAS posted 10/8/2020 16:24 PM

Dragn, did I miss something? I thought you were working on detachment per the really long thread from last week.

Just saying, I don't discuss my history or any of that with a roommate or someone I am detached from. Why? Because it's none of their effing business.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 16:28 PM

Our past sexual history was discussed way before we got married.

He simply spewed off a jab at me after watching a tv show. (I'm in love with this tv series and plan to buy the blue ray set).

My response was wrong, I admit that but I'm not the type to get a jab thrown my way and not address it. He was trying to exert some power over me by making that jab and hell no I'm not tolerating that.

EllieKMAS posted 10/8/2020 16:39 PM

I do get that.... buuuuuuttttt....

IME (and only speaking for my own self), when people do that purposely jabbing thing, they are trying to get a rise out of you. If they succeed, they win. It's way more effective to just let it slide. It keeps the power in your hands.

I had a lot of that the last few weeks before separating. I won some, I lost some, but I always felt more in control when I ignored the cheap shots. Just my 0.02.

PS - SOA is fuckin amazing. Might need to rewatch it my damn self.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 16:44 PM

Oh I know hes does things like this because he knows he gets a reaction. Sick fuck lol

I have to work on not reacting but I do need to know if this IS an actual issue for him as some posted have suggested it could be.

Omg yes SOA is amazing. They just got Abel back. I was almost shaking as Jax walked behind the couple who had Abel knowing hed do what his father amd the priest wanted. Of course then Jimmy pulled his shit and well abel is where he belongs lol.

I just can't get over hoe much shit they go through and how most peopke would just cave under the stress. It's a show that keeps you on your toes that's for sure.

Wh looks alot like Opi. He said we should get the SOA sweaters or jackets lol.

And my new favourite quote is:

"That's Tig territory" hahahahaha

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 4:44 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 10/8/2020 16:45 PM

Not internet sex workers, models who have pages of them doing cosplay etc. Still not ok with me.

I love to cosplay and go to conventions as a hobby and if you're a big time cosplay model, you're almost guaranteed to be doing porn. That's generally how women get popular online in that industry. I'm betting more than a couple of those women also have Only Fan accounts where they sell nudes and videos as a subscription. You might want to check on that and see if your WH has been subscribing to them.

I should just tell him that my past is my past and that's where its staying and if he cant accept that then he shouldn't have married me to begin with. And that I wont tolerate having that thrown in my face anymore.

That's what I'm talking about. Put that responsibility for his own emotions right back on his shoulders. It's not a coincidence that his issues surrounding this topic didn't start until after marriage and when his own fidelity became a problem.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 16:52 PM

might want to check on that and see if your WH has been subscribing to them.

I Have full access to his fb account. I haven't seen any subscriptions. Just liking a page. I will check again to be sure.

Ya know if he had suggested us watching porn together and put as much effort into our sex life as he did viewing other woman then the amount of pay off for him would be amazing...

EllieKMAS posted 10/8/2020 16:55 PM

I have to work on not reacting but I do need to know if this IS an actual issue for him as some posted have suggested it could be.
Yep, if you grey rock it and don't react you retain your power.

As to the second part of that - why do you need to know that of your roommate? He seems to have many issues, but those are his to deal with, not yours. The more you stay engaged on it, the longer you stay in the spin cycle you've been in.

I know it's tough, but these types of fruitless go-rounds that you've been having for a long time will stop when YOU say so. When you detach and get to a point where what he does is -over there- that's when you get your sanity back.

Oh Tig.... man, I think I am gonna watch SOA again. I forgot how great that show is.

nekonamida posted 10/8/2020 17:01 PM

I Have full access to his fb account. I haven't seen any subscriptions. Just liking a page. I will check again to be sure.

It's not through FB. It's called Only Fans. You should look it up and maybe search some of the names of the pages he likes to see if you get any hits. You'd probably only be able to find out if he subscribes or not if he has an OF account or if you can view his credit card statements.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 17:05 PM

If its credit card only then mo he cannot access it. He does not have one. And most places wont accept prepaid cards and our money situation is such that I have it nailed down tight.

I not only verify his hours at work but also he pay rate per hour and, well you get the point. Unless someone else chipped in for him at woek and seeing as he works with other cheaters who knows but that's for the heads up, I shall break out the PI hat and investigate further.

Fenderguy posted 10/8/2020 17:16 PM

Back in high school I had a steady girlfriend during my junior and senior years. Before her, I was 100% virgin. I had kissed one girl, and thatís all. Suddenly here I am with this beautiful girlfriend, getting all kinds of action on the regular! Life was good! But then people started talking, and I heard some rumors. Turns out, during her freshman and sophomore year, she had many different experiences with quite a few other guys, including my high school nemesis. I was devastated, and felt completely emasculated. I ended up cheating on her with a few different girls, anybody I could get my hands on. I was an awful boyfriend, and eventually became somebody that I didnít like. I broke up with the girl right before graduation, and never went back to that kind of behavior again. To this day I fee bad about that, over 20 years later.

After that, a persons past never mattered to me at all. My W has only been with one other guy before me (until the A...). Iíve met him several times, he was still part of her friend group when we were dating. Always got along with him just fine. The fact that he banged my wife before me barely registered for me.

Now One of my wifeís best friends is a girl I used to date and have sex with back in college. We get together with she and her husband on occasion, and we enjoy their company a lot. He occasionally gives me shit for dating his wife, but all in good fun.

I cannot imagine wanting to be with a virgin. If Iím ever single again, Iíd want to be with somebody who knows what theyíre doing. Also, in response to the OP. I too have been with two sisters. They were friends of the family, and we spent a lot of time together when we were in HS and after. Throw in some underage drinking, and yeah... things happen. Still friends with them both. I donít know if they each know about my time spent with the other or not. Or if their husbands know, as I know them pretty well too. Ancient history.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 17:41 PM

I asked him.point blank of he had an issue with anything in my sexual past, specifically the brothers.

His reply: "of course not I just like getting a rise out of you".

So mystery solved.

Thus no reaction he shall get lol.

Sheesh.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/8/2020 17:41 PM

I'm amused by the idea that dating brothers is wild and crazy behavior, because my sweet little old grandma dated my great-uncle before my grandfather. In fact, that's how they met.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 18:02 PM

Well I'll admit when the younger brother and I were ending the relationship he did ask me not to pursue his other brother....there were three hahahaha

I've had my fair share of interesting relationships.

Dated a body builder who was very intense.

Dated a guy who was a katate champion but also had a severe eating disorder.

Dated a guy I worked with....that was messy lol

I wish I had realized back then that being single and loving myself first was a better thing to do.

apache posted 10/9/2020 00:57 AM

Just to muddy the waters....

He just wanted to get a rise, or did he not want to admit that you actually bugged him in a way he doesn't want to admit, like you have a little power? Something in your back pocket he doesn't have?

Muddy the waters some more... use it to bug him at some point in the future. Not a good idea, but fun to joke with inside your own head anyway.

standinghere posted 10/9/2020 02:43 AM

My wh is easily a jealous man.

He is reacting to your past through his eyes and his behaviors, which are somewhat immature.

That is where IC and MC can both be helpful.

I've never been jealous of my FWS's sexual history. I've knowingly met at least four of her former sexual partners, possibly more unknowingly as she has no idea how many there were and had engaged in a lot of drunken sexual encounters when young before we met. Only the cheating bothered me.

Why? Well, if you told me that you got drunk when younger and had sex with someone, or multiple someones, it wouldn't really ring my bell to do the same thing. I know that drunk sexual encounters are not a lot to write home about and have had enough friends who have had them to know that they are nothing to be jealous of. However, to some people they don't see it the same way, they have the allure of the forbidden to them, and I suspect the "two brothers" think is like that in his mind.

standinghere posted 10/9/2020 02:43 AM

Accidental Double Post

[This message edited by standinghere at 2:44 AM, October 9th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/9/2020 07:00 AM

Just to muddy the waters....
He just wanted to get a rise, or did he not want to admit that you actually bugged him in a way he doesn't want to admit, like you have a little power? Something in your back pocket he doesn't have?

Muddy the waters some more... use it to bug him at some point in the future. Not a good idea, but fun to joke with inside your own head anyway.

He might feel.i have one upped him in some way but he'll never admit to that lol

And muddying the water looks fun. Probably best not to continue thr low blow antics we have been doing.

He is reacting to your past through his eyes and his behaviors, which are somewhat immature.

Yep, even if hes only doing it to get a reaction hes stil being childish.

ShutterHappy posted 10/9/2020 07:15 AM

His reply: "of course not I just like getting a rise out of you".

Sounds like passive aggressive to me.

DragnHeart posted 10/9/2020 08:01 AM

Ya guess so.

Sucks.

Lalagirl posted 10/9/2020 09:21 AM

His reply: "of course not I just like getting a rise out of you".

EllieKMAS wrote:

when people do that purposely jabbing thing, they are trying to get a rise out of you.

He reads here, yes?

Interesting.

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