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Past sexual history obstacle

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Lalagirl posted 10/8/2020 13:44 PM

I am seeing effort.

I'm glad, Dragn; Rome wasn't built in a day

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 13:47 PM

There's a bit of me that wonders if part of his A was wanting to make up for things he's 'missed out' on, but I don't know. I think some men are secure enough to recognise that our pasts are just that, the past. I'm not that same person any more

Seems like yours is projecting some weird jealousy or insecurity on to you.

I agree with both of these.

I know that for full on all night sex I was his first. I believe his past was more heavy petting than actual intercourse. He was more vague than I was in disclosure.

I know that he wasnt adventurous with his APs. At least not from what i read, heard on VARs or he told me. If it was a matter of sewing his oats he sucked at it lol. I'm 100% sure we have had more intimate, kinky and adventurous sex than he had in any of his affairs.

So maybe hes jealous that I was that way before he came into the picture and he regrets not doing so as well. Of course that's a him problem, not mine. He has to work through it.

He just cant keep jabbing me with it.

DictumVeritas posted 10/8/2020 13:47 PM

Most men truly prefer that women have never had sex? I cannot wrap my mind around that. It absolutely sounds insecure to me.

To each their beliefs and from the ones with testosterone flowing through them, on this matter, and if they don't give a hoot about being PC, the truth. We all have insecurities, but the truth does not make us insecure, it strengthens resolve.

ETA, sorry for the t/j DragnHeart, I will desist as I do not see the actions of your WH as moral at all and this conversation I have now engaged in is not helpful to you at all.

I was just answering a question with honesty.

[Multiple edits for spelling etc. English is far from being my first language.]

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 1:57 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

apache posted 10/8/2020 13:51 PM

DH

I'm guessing you guys are kind going more than one step backward at this point and working your way forwards from a point that should have been done years ago.

It's like you're combining MC and at home IC at the same time.

I think both are needed, ( I did recommend MC for you guys in another thread)

You just need to walk the line between the two and maybe specify which one (or both) will be covered in any given conversation.

In my opinion, he needs some of this stuff too, maybe not top priority, but you'll gain too if he works through some stuff.

Hope you guys can manage the balance.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 13:51 PM

So men feel physical intimacy is very important as well as the sexual history of their partner.

Having disclosed my past before we got married, what course of action is best to deal with whatever his feelings are on the issue whether they be jealousy or insecurity etc now that he continues to bring it up?

TKOGA posted 10/8/2020 13:53 PM

I'm not calling honesty insecurity, DV. I'm not sure why you keep saying that. I'm saying that men who believe they themselves are allowed to have sex but the woman they end up with better not have done the same, insecure. Because it is. Nothing I've said is in reference to you being 'honest' about men being total hypocrites who hold others (women) to much higher standards than they hold themselves to. I'm glad you can be honest about it though, I guess.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 13:59 PM

We both need IC for sure.

We could maybe think about MC after IC had taken place for a while.

Currently the ability to do IC/MC is inhibited due to covid and the restrictions. We do not have home internet to do zoom meetings yet, working on that.

And again I will not feel comfortable with him seeing a female IC. The last one was a royal bitch to me saying I was causing him to much pain by demanding transparency (he had a right to privacy and even with a history of cheating I didn't have a right to his emails, phone etc) a real winner IC... Ugh!!!

Now wh is just starting to realize that this is serious and he needs to take action to save the marriage but he still hates talking to anyone. He has no guy friends ro talk to, isn't close with his father or brother, is essentially alone, other than me. And taking to me causes me pain depending on what he has to say so he doesnt or hasnt wanted to do that either. He is slowly now, good job. I just dont think this is going to be a fast process and I can see him clamming up again.

twicefooled posted 10/8/2020 14:13 PM

I have never, ever understood adults taking issue with sexual pasts that have NOTHING to do with them.

My sexual past is much more....colorful...since leaving my marriage. I had to make mistakes and grow as a person and doing this sexually was a way for me to make it happen. And I have zero regrets about any of it.

If a man decided that my sexual past somehow offended them, they can keep walking. And slut-shaming is a real thing but no one seems to slut-shame the men.

I'm an open book when it comes to my partners. But if any of them decided to define me by it, guess they don't get to enjoy the fruits of my learnings

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 14:15 PM

ETA, sorry for the t/j DragnHeart, I will desist as I do not see the actions of your WH as moral at all and this conversation I have now engaged in is not helpful to you at all.

I was just answering a question with honesty.

[Multiple edits for spelling etc. English is far from being my first language.]

No worries at all. The discussion can branch out as much as it needs to. I don't understand his motivation for being this way but it's not that its hurtful just annoying and I want to slap him. Lol.

Oh and English was my first language and I'm still confused all to hell with it so never worry!

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 14:17 PM

I'm an open book when it comes to my partners. But if any of them decided to define me by it, guess they don't get to enjoy the fruits of my learnings

This made.me lol

Wh has never seemed to complain of my experience when applied to him. And I even want to get more into stuff that's he hasnt been willing to explore so....ya, cant ever say he disnt get kinky wild at home!!!

apache posted 10/8/2020 15:14 PM

DH

Hubby may in the end be ok with the brothers, he may just need to process it. I'm sure you can/maybe talk him through it after it's put in context, in slow, one or two syllable words.

Speaking to the generic slut shaming et al, not necessarily referring to you specifically, I don't know that the rules are totally different for men. Speaking about the public maybe, but if your H told you he only did group sex of 10 or more for the 5 years before you met him or fill in the blank as to what exceeded your boundaries, you may well have declined to marry/have sex with him. It's up to each individual to decide at the time. ( I have no inside info that he did fyi )

ShutterHappy posted 10/8/2020 15:28 PM

I'm sure this has been brought up but does the past sexual history of your partner cause issues within your relationship?

Itís a very vague and generic question. Iím sure some men care about some history, some others donít. Some men want a virgin, some are fine dating prostitutes.

Would you date an active male prostitute? I bet some women would, some wouldnít.

Would you date someone who had lots of ONS in their past? Not knowing if the other party was married or not? Some would, some wouldnít.

For example, I wouldnít date a woman who had sex with children, even if itís in ďher pastĒ like a poster said. I wouldnít date a woman who cheated on her partner thank you very much. Call me insecure, I donít care.

ďWhat??? You wonít date Jane just because she cheated on her husband??? Itís in her past, youíre such an insecure man!!!Ē

But if your WH knew about your past and married you, he chose that your past doesnít matter to him and he committed to be a husband to you.

He doesnít get to complain about your past, ad he chose to marry you.

He knew what he was getting into and you knew what you were getting into.

Wh knows my past. I know his. He seems to be hung up on the fact I dated brothers.

Thatís more specific. I personally donít see what the problem is? Unless you did this specifically to have revenge on the first brother. I donít think you did so I donít see the problem, but thatís just me.

But wh just seems to be stuck on this point.

Well this is who you are. What does he want? That you travel back in time and take different decisions? That you apologize for stuff you did before meeting him? It makes no sense. He can either accept it or walk away.

Wh almost seems jealous of that old me.

Well then, he should have almost married you

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:37 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 15:48 PM

His sexual history wasnt a factor in my decision to marry him. I loved him. He is funny. We enjoyed the same activities and we rocked the bedroom.

Using small words with wh might help. I dont see how much simpler I can make it for him. I dated the first brother sorta knowing i was just his rebound from a breakup some.time before and he went back with her eventually. I could tell he still loved her. They eventually had a child. I found out a few years ago she died tragically and he was heartbroken.

His younger brother and I were in the same high school. He ended up my best friend and was a friend through my engagement and breakup with my fiance. I had asked him before if he could give me any reason not to accept the other guys proposal and he said no. When it all fell apart (caught fiance cheating...) friend made his move. He kissed me. said he wished he had told me not to marry the other guy and just dated me instead. But things didnt work out. You cant be best friends then date and then realize that your desires for the future are so different and expect to be friends again. He is the one I regret most. I wish I had never dated him.

As for slut shaming I have had to resolve alot of FOO issues with MY family. Specifically my Maternal side. My father isnt of the same ethnic
background as my mother, strike one with her family. My mother married my father not long after meeting him. They all assumed she was pregnant. I was the longest human pregnancy in history at two years 7 months. Lol
We were always the black sheep.
Growing up I was the one who broke up the family by revealing the molestation so major strike against me...

Also the belief was you dont have sex until marriage and man even though we repaired some of the molestation damage finding out I was pregnant before wh and I got married (we were engaged) her family flipped out. Her eldest sister told her she wasnt to acknowledge the pregnancy in their presence. My mom wanted to show her the ultrasound photo and her sister refused to look saying it wasnt right to view a baby that way.

I've come to terms ams released any bad feelings towards them. They were a product of their time and beliefs.

I dont think my parents know my sexual history. They know my brothers and no they haven't given my brothers a gard time about sex outside of marriage like I received. Owell. Even my in laws. They insisted as did mine that er marry before the baby was born. When my SIL got pregnant, no such demands...shes still not married.

So, yes I think that theres still alot of alut shaming going on. A woman has sex and shes a slut, a man has sex and hes sewing his oats.

People may think i was a slut but i didnt graduate high school pregnant or already a mother like a lot of the girls in my class... not that they were wrong either. Those I still know now have amazing kids and husbands and lives so having a kid early didnt mess them up at all.

I will have to sit wh down and see if we van dig into why this is an issue for him. Like I said I am annoyed by the jab.

Buck posted 10/8/2020 15:50 PM

In my experience, when things sexually are going well, I don't give a damn about the past sexual experiences of my partner.

If things sexually are "off", or not happening with the same frequency, then I start to wonder about things. When I was much younger, one of those things might have been her sexual history. Now that really wouldn't be the case.

I guess what I'm suggesting is your WH is probably feeling some uncertainty about your sex life and he's looking for reasons and/or solutions. Totally my opinion and based solely upon my experiences.

cheatstroke posted 10/8/2020 15:55 PM

Is this common with men to have issues with their partners past relationships.

Yes.

Life is very, VERY short.

If you haven't had a lot of wild sex and your partner has, it's likely to become a problem at some point if it hasn't already. Break up and find someone who is more like you.

If you've had a lot of wild sex and your partner hasn't, it's likely to become a problem at some point if it hasn't already. Break up and find someone who is more like you.

The world REALLY IS full of available people who are more like you, sexually and otherwise. If the one you're with isn't compatible, break up and find someone who is.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 16:01 PM

In my experience, when things sexually are going well, I don't give a damn about the past sexual experiences of my partner.
If things sexually are "off", or not happening with the same frequency, then I start to wonder about things. When I was much younger, one of those things might have been her sexual history. Now that really wouldn't be the case.

I guess what I'm suggesting is your WH is probably feeling some uncertainty about your sex life and he's looking for reasons and/or solutions. Totally my opinion and based solely upon my experiences

.

This is a very enlightening response. Thank you.

Yes I have made it clear to wh that I cannot go on as we have and have kept him at arms length for a while now. He told me that hes feeling disconnected and unloved. Thst he needs to feel be to feel connected. He slept with his hand on my all night last night. Up to that point I hadn't been going to ned when he did and kept on my side away from him. (Its a big bed lol).

Now I'll admit that when guys here have said how important sex is I've been like oh blah. . Come on isn't there more to a woman that sex but I am seeing just how much this is affecting him.

But here's the thing.

I am the BS. I have been barely surviving the last few years just getting by emotionally with no real effort on wh part to heal the marriage. I had to put my foot down FOR MY OWN GOOD. Denying him sex is just as shitty for me as it is him. I'm horny. I desire connection. But I also desire a safe, honest partner who is willing to plant his feet and commit to R.

And it has nothing to do with compatibility. Like I said we can rock the bedroom. Actually had started having really great sex again.

And we can do that. Rugsweeping his shitty behaviour and allow him to not confront his demons but that just leaves me seeing him crossing boundaries and chatting up old female co workers and I cant live like that.

So no. For now no sex. No intimacy. No i love yous until I can "feel" that way again. And right now i dont. I nee through emotional safe feeling to want to be intimate with him.

ChamomileTea posted 10/8/2020 16:02 PM

Well hes confirmed for me what men here have been saying. That they feel connection and love through physical means with their partner and because I haven't even let him touch me hes feeling very disconnected, unloved etc.

This is some bullshit. When they get caught cheating, it's "oh, honey it didn't mean anything", but when you chuck 'em out on the couch, it's "I don't feel connected".
I think it's all a deflection in any case.

It seems to me that getting to the bottom of how men really feel about a woman's past sexual history isn't really relevant here. It's more about a WH dumping a passive-aggressive comment in your lap and then trying to pass it off as hurt feelings because you're not sleeping with him. So, this is about HIS resentment and right now, that guy should just be feeling pretty lucky that he's not out on the curb with all his shit in hefty bags. IOW, he's got a lot of reasons to feel grateful for what he has, but he's still pouting about what he doesn't. WAYWARD THOUGHT PROCESS. Passive-aggressive commentary is about Resentment. When you connect those two things in your mind, you'll never miss it again.

He's moving the focus from himself to YOU. I think you'd be wise to call him out on his bullshit.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 16:09 PM

he's got a lot of reasons to feel grateful for what he has, but he's still pouting about what he doesn't. WAYWARD THOUGHT PROCESS. Passive-aggressive commentary is about Resentment. When you connect those two things in your mind, you'll never miss it again.

He's moving the focus from himself to YOU. I think you'd be wise to call him out on his bullshit.

Thats why I posted the question. I know for some.men it is an issue. And this isn't the first time hes brought up "the brothers".

But after the discussion we had had earlier, all about him, where his mind is at, how hes feeling, how hes trying to navigate through the forums and sharing what he has read, how it's made him feel etc this shot from him was kinda out of the blue. I'm glad I didnt just let it go. But I am not proud of what I said.

I'll call him out on it tonight

ChamomileTea posted 10/8/2020 16:17 PM

This wasn't an issue for him when he decided to marry you or when he decided he wanted R, which tells you... it's NOT an issue.

I think it's nothing more than a jab at you in an effort to puncture your moral superiority. And you ARE morally superior to an unreformed cheater, no doubt about it. It's all flamed by resentment and until he works it out that YOU are never the object of his resentments, he's going to be a problem. If he has an issue, he needs to talk to you about that particular issue with a mind toward resolving it. Like a grown-up. We don't hoard resentments. We resolve problems.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 16:22 PM

This may actually be my mistake for not addressing it thr first time he brought it up and that was before R was offered so....

I have no doubt that it's a deflection tactic to try to prove I'm no angel but...I didnt do the brothers at the same time, didnt cheat on one for the other nor hid the relationships. Brother one didnt mind seeing me and I didnt mind seeing him with his gf. They were all happy his other brother was with me and for a time his brother was really happy too lol.

Wh does things or says things he knows will get a reaction. Hes admitted to that. So I will address this issue then put it to bed. No longer giving him that reaction IF he brings it up.

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