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Past sexual history obstacle

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StrugglingCJ posted 10/27/2020 09:56 AM

Dragon heart, I hope you keep knocking him back with his own medicine.. Sounds like the message might be getting through..

But his comments are just to deflect from the crap he has done.. A stupid childish attempt to pick fault in you so he can feel more on your level... But it IS irrelevant.. He CHOSE to marry you.. Exactly as you were.. With your history.. Which made you the person he fell in love with..

My WS tried this BS too after dday.. Tried to claim it wasn't fair I was her first and only and she wanted to know what being with another guy would be like.. Or that I could not be a dominant lover with her.. Like she suddenly wanted after reading 50 shades.. All just excuses..and crappy attempts to justify their shitty behaviour..

DragnHeart posted 10/27/2020 15:23 PM

Dragon heart, I hope you keep knocking him back with his own medicine.. Sounds like the message might be getting through..

Sometimes.i wonder of it actually gets through to him.

Right now I'm just livid that hes still talking to his official sister in law.

I dont like her. Never have. Always felt she was the worst thing to happen to my BIL. Now they are officially married and couldn't even bother to have wh there but here she is messaging him. Wh is pissed off at the whole thing, being told not to come, and his replies to her are short. He wont tell her to f off due to being his brothers wife but I sure as hell want to.

I don't trust that he would tell me of she made a move on him because he knows I'd have words with her. I do trust he wouldn't do anything with her. I dont trust that she wont try to hit on my husband. Fuxking leach is officially apart of the family and I'm so glad we dont associate much with them.

HopefulTelephone posted 10/28/2020 13:40 PM

Without getting into your individual circumstance -- I'll just say this, I think he's using this particular bit of sexual history as a means to deflect from his own guilt -- I'll just post my response to how I feel about this. Throw my voice into the crowd so to speak.

I think sexual history should be considered but I think many folks, men especially, put far too much stock into it. It makes sense when it comes to things like being Poly, being into specific kinks, and matching libido...you should try to seek out like minded individuals and avoid those whose predilections are opposite.

I also think deviant behavior should be considered. Serial cheating, predatory behavior, huge age gaps, sexual assault, etc. should all be out in the open long before any big commitments are made.

Outside of that, though? I just don't think it should be a big deal. For instance, a woman in her 20's tries out anal with her boyfriend at the time, later on she refuses anal with her husband. Is it really that big of an issue that maybe she just doesn't like something being shoved up her butt over and over again? Do we, as men, really need to be butthurt...so to speak...that she did something with someone else she doesn't want to do with us when it's pretty much a certainty that she just doesn't enjoy the experience? Also, fetishizing virginity, I absolutely cannot understand it. My experience has been that the more experience a woman has, the more comfortable she'll be in bed, and that almost always leads to better sex and a healthier sex life.

Like many things involving the lizard brain, I think retroactive jealousy should be approached by analyzing the underlying emotions, specifically fear and envy.

Trapped74 posted 12/21/2020 18:34 PM

As a college educated woman who supports herself and doesn't "need" anyone, reading this is just fucking weird, man. Yes, if I were in the 1910s and couldn't take care of myself because society deemed it necessary that I convince someone to take care of me, I'm sure I'd have to figure out how to prostitute myself best to my future husband and love and attraction wouldn't be as important as having food on the table. As we are not in those times anymore, I expect that most of us do value sexual chemistry very highly as we do not require a man to ensure our next meal or a roof over our heads. If this still applies in 2020 in dating, then I don't know WTF is going wrong.

A thousand-times, this.

Men are naturally competitive. Every day is competition, from work to sports to dating...all day, every day, whether we like it or not. Men see winners in life and losers. The winner gets laid. The winner doesn't beg to get laid. The winner doesn't ask for a BJ...it is enthusiastically offered because he is the winner.

Every guy on earth knows what it feels like to lose...and that sting never goes away. They also know what it looks like to win.

In marriage, the husband wants to know that he WON...he has arrived and is THE MAN above all others. He needs proof of this and a big part of that is the enthusiasm his wife shows him in the bedroom. If she shows less than she showed with an ex...what is that saying to him in plain physical evidence? That he didn't really "win"...he just crossed the finish line.


Women break all the rules to be with a winner.

Women make extra rules for losers...."it's too xyz, I'm too xyz, we just did xyz last week, why do you want xyz, I don't do that anymore..."

And

If I spent more money-way more money, on my previous girlfriends than I do you, my wife, GTFO, I can do with my wallet anything I want regardless of what Iíve done in the past.

Seriously, what fucking century are you living in? Money!=Sex. Women are not gold-diggers. Women are not sex objects. Women are not trophies. Men are no more or less competitive than women. If your self-worth is based on the amount of sex you "win," you are and will always be a loser.

I actually broke up with a man years ago because he spent entirely too much money on me. A) He didn't actually have the money and put it all on credit cards (bad management) B) entirely too much emphasis on material things (shallow).

Rideitout posted 12/22/2020 07:26 AM

Seriously, what fucking century are you living in? Money!=Sex. Women are not gold-diggers. Women are not sex objects. Women are not trophies. Men are no more or less competitive than women. If your self-worth is based on the amount of sex you "win," you are and will always be a loser.

Well, my calendar reads 2020, hopefully that's right. The quoted post though, I think is far more right than wrong. I know, for sure, it describes me and my life, especially the part about it "all being a competition". It's most visible at work, but certainly, in the quoted "he lost" because his wife wouldn't do things with him she did with other people, let me say, having lived it myself, that's EXACTLY how I felt. Like a loser. Because, objectively, I WAS a loser. He was able to get more sexual access from my W in a month than I was in years.

Women break all the rules to be with a winner.

Women make extra rules for losers...."it's too xyz, I'm too xyz, we just did xyz last week, why do you want xyz, I don't do that anymore..."

Exactly this. There was a thread I read this morning about professions most likely to cheat; and mentioned in the threads was the famous/rock stars/etc. There are plenty of stories out there about women who "wouldn't do XYZ, but if you're Mick Jagger, well, that doesn't apply to you". Do I think for a minute that my wife, if she had the interest of a man like that would put the same "rules" in place that she had for me in our early M? Well, I could "think that" to make myself feel better, but, I objectively know (from her A) and also internally feel like I'd be very wrong if I "thought that".

Money does not equal sex. But it sure does help. It's no more "wrong" for a woman to be attracted to money than it is for a man to be attracted to thin waist with big boobs; it's her/my preference and there's nothing clinical or upsetting about it (to me anyway). Looks and money matter, quite a bit more than perhaps we want to admit, but they clearly matter. Not many 65 year old men are cavorting with 30 year old beautiful women unless you select that 65 year old male cohort out of a zip code that's incredibly wealthy (Bel Air, Palm Beach, etc), then it becomes very common to see men retirement aged dating women who are just this side of college.

DevastatedDee posted 12/22/2020 08:38 AM

I'm not interested in being the kind of woman who views men as wallets instead of human beings. I don't want a man who views women as vaginas instead of human beings. If two people want to objectify and use one another within the bounds of holy matrimony, hey, whatever. Let's not pretend that's the majority of marriages, though.

The majority of us weren't ever out trying to fuck Mick Jagger either, lol. Groupies were/are a fringe population. The gay men marrying Liza Minnelli for money were also a fringe population. We can create caricatures of men and women all day long and project that onto society at large. I just don't look around at the marriages of people I know and see "she married him for money" "he married her for her blowjob skills".

I don't know why your wife threw everything plus the kitchen sink at the OM, but I don't think it's because he was in any way better than you. That was a problem within herself. Affairs are about the person having them, not about the one cheated on. Her issues caused her to not be as sexually open in her marriage. Her issues caused her to go all out with some new person. To hold back sexually with the person you've chosen to share your bed with for life is to harm yourself too.

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