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Past sexual history obstacle

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oldtruck posted 10/17/2020 08:26 AM

DH, re-read my post. I am not defending the WH.

DragnHeart posted 10/17/2020 08:30 AM

This thread isn't about a ww doing something with an OM and not their BH.

Its about a WH using his BWs past to shame and deflect from his own behaviour which is a totally different thing.

A wife who never had many partners before marrying you using the fact that YOU sewed your oats before getting married as a reason she cheated on you is what I'm talking about.

This is not WW denying BH thing so just stop!

sisoon posted 10/17/2020 10:23 AM

Where I draw the line is when people try to make their issue into my issue.
Me, too.

How to deal with 'Men are like that'? (Or 'women are like that' for that matter....)

Stop thinking about 'men' and 'women.' Think about the person you're dealing with - and be ready to dump them if you don't like the way they 'are.' Or ask them to change, and dump them if they won't.

Boundaries - boundaries - boundaries.

*****

Personally, I fell for my W without knowing anything about her sexual past. I wanted her, whether she was a virgin or not.

*****

Walking,

I've never trusted the scoreboard. Sometimes it tells the story that needs to be told, but too often it does not.

I wouldn't mind being the ten millionth wealthiest person on earth....

It makes no difference to me that I'm something like 144th fastest rider on the most difficult part of a bike route - I keep getting faster, which is one of my goals. I do a small celebration every time I knock a second (much less than 1%) off my time.

And I needed immense help and cooperation from others to achieve my proudest moments at work, because those goals simply could not have been accomplished without the contributions of, in some cases, hundreds of people.

And my W chose me - twice. I won, twice. The first time gave me great pleasure. The 2nd, not so much.

I see scoreboards as external validation, and that just doesn't work, IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:36 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

MyAndI posted 10/17/2020 10:59 AM

DragnHeart,

Your relationship is the one your H should focus on now.

I think it's rare that people come to a marriage as a virgin or absent experience of romance, or even a wild past. My younger days were wild.

And I don't think it's common that men are jealous of a time before they hooked up with their soulmate. And why do you feel guilty for having enjoyed sex in your past before you met your H? It's none of his business.

The fact that you chose him to nest with should be clear as a bell to your H.

My wife dated many men before we married, and I dated many women.

We've never cared about anything that happened before me and Mrs. MyAndI were committed to each other.

Sounds like your WH is insecure and/or he is entertaining some fantasy about you.

Striver posted 10/17/2020 12:01 PM

WSes are in poor position to negotiate ANY relationship terms for quite some time.

I do think your partner should get your best self. Some people of both genders do not do this. The partner is there for security while they have more fun with other people, other times, other places.

There are definitely women whose life plan is to have their "wild 20s", then marry with a considerably tamer sex life. Their body, their choice. They can have their life plan. I'm a man, and would advise other men not to marry these women.

RealityBlows posted 10/17/2020 12:14 PM

GTFO. Nobody is owed absolutely anything about my body regardless of what I have done in the past. NOBODY EVER. If a man can't deal with that, it's really just too damned bad. It's 100% their issue and 100% not mine

If I spent more money-way more money, on my previous girlfriends than I do you, my wife, GTFO, I can do with my wallet anything I want regardless of what I’ve done in the past.

It’s not always about slut shaming. It’s about being treated with less care and attention than you have treated previous partners. It would make anyone wonder if they are loved or desired as much as the last guy(s), or gals

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:17 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

LLXC posted 10/17/2020 12:41 PM

If I spent more money-way more money, on my previous girlfriends than I do you, my wife

That literally makescno sense. If someone spent more money on their previous SO than they do on you, why are you marrying them?

Same with sex. If your SO has done stuff sexually with previous SOs and won't do them with you - and this bothers you - don't marry them.

This is not a cheater doing things with another person. Thus is about youe past. If you don't like it? Don t MARRY THEM.

If the original OPs husband hated the dating brothers thing that much, he shoulsnt have married her. That simple.

siracha posted 10/17/2020 12:59 PM

People should be with other people based on a true understanding of each others sexual needs experiences and preferences so neither one of them feels confused inadequate misunderstood disappointed or repulsed
Yes

A mans value should be set by the money/ alpha maleness he can bring into the marriage and a woman's value is her virginity and how much she can worship his dick
No .but on the plus side you can officially join the Taliban now

He cheated because he is a cheater and now he is blame shifting . quite simple

[This message edited by siracha at 1:06 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

LLXC posted 10/17/2020 14:05 PM

GTFO. Nobody is owed absolutely anything about my body regardless of what I have done in the past. NOBODY EVER. If a man can't deal with that, it's really just too damned bad. It's 100% their issue and 100% not mine
If I spent more money-way more money, on my previous girlfriends than I do you, my wife, GTFO, I can do with my wallet anything I want regardless of what I’ve done in the past

I wanted to add that first, sex versus money is a false equivalency. Sex is something you do with your body. It is something that can give you great pleasure, can connect you woth a partner. It can be abused, sex can alsp be used to manipulate others.

Money is something you have. It is not part of your body.

Two different things.

However, even IF they were the same thing, if you don't like how your SO is treating you compared tp how they treated an ex, don't marry them.

But also, this. People ARE allowed to change. Someone could spend like crazy. Grow more mature. And not spend like that. Someone could be into threesomes, anal, whatever, and then not be into it. Vice versa too. AND someone could be spending money on order to buy love, and then learns to live differently. Someone else cpuld be having sex not because they want to but to please a partner, and they grow, and learn what they actually want.

People do shit for all kinds of reasons. Bit the salient point, again, is if you don't like your partner's past, do not marry them.

One final thing. I do think this whole convo illustrates a point: our society has some really fucked up views on sex and experience, especially women.

DragnHeart posted 10/17/2020 17:08 PM

Sounds like your WH is insecure and/or he is entertaining some fantasy about you.

Insecure probably but theres no fantasy about me. If he wants to have sex with sisters I can promise you it's not anywhere close to my experience with brothers.

He wants a threesome. Not even close to what I had with thr brothers so....


WSes are in poor position to negotiate ANY relationship terms for quite some time

Again irreverent to the thread topic.

If the original OPs husband hated the dating brothers thing that much, he shoulsnt have married her. That simple.

That's why I believe his motivation for bringing this up was deflection. He didnt want to address the demon in the mirror so let's make his BW feel as low as he is.

OwningItNow posted 10/17/2020 17:50 PM

That's why I believe his motivation for bringing this up was deflection.

You are right--deflection. Many people who struggle with their unhappy circumstances and feel a loss of control over the circumstances will often resort to deflection to get out from under the idea that they are the problem. Unfortunately this shows a personality flaw--"I'd rather find reasons to blame you than look at my own role in this." How do you change someone who does this when they do not want to even see their own role? Many BS deal with this character flaw in their WS.

DragnHeart posted 10/17/2020 19:52 PM

How do you change someone who does this when they do not want to even see their own role?

You cant.


Along with deflection my wh is very avoidant.

This has always been something that pissed me off.

Especially when it comes to his family.

Anyways I was trying to get my thoughts together for this then got sidetracked with a surprise friend visiting.

WhatsRight posted 10/18/2020 07:42 AM

If your SO has done stuff sexually with previous SOs and won't do them with you - and this bothers you - don't marry them.

...or the time they spend, or the love they show, or the $ they spend...

This is obvious to me. Unless you are in a faith or culture with prearranged marriages which you plan to respect...YOU get to choose.

I (respectfully) and strongly disagree that it is best not to discuss sexual (and other) past relationships / experiences. It may be true that my H’s past (before me) is none of my business - that is certainly true. But any man who enforces that right with me would not have me as a prospective partner.

We learn things - important things - relevant things about others by learning about their past. Represents values, choices, decision making, etc. and if there is stuff in out past that we are less than proud of, sharing that information is also very insightful.

I was married 2 times before meeting my H. I was raised fairly conservatively, and there were a couple of things in my past that troubled me, and when my H and I started getting a bit serious, I willingly shared those things with him...full disclosure. And not only for him, but also to protect myself from troubles down the road.

Retroactive shame as well as retroactive jealousy.

He did not do the same with me. So, when I learned certain things about his past, there were things that disgusted me - not sex acts as much as situations.

Dragn did the right thing (IMHO). She divulged the information. Even I don’t have any kind of moral issue with dating brothers in the situation she described. If it had been secretly at the same time, wouldn’t it be nice to know that in order to make a decision regarding her choices - her integrity? When considering an ongoing - potentially permanent relationship - with her?

But she was not cheating. She was not hiding. And she told her H. He did not reject her.

But now that he has demeaned himself by his choices, it seems instead of doing the work to heal, he is trying to diminish his actions by bringing up and “all of a sudden” looking down or using Dragn’s past - which he accepted before.

Weakness. That’s how I see it.

I have read all of this thread, and much of it makes sense. For me a lot of it boils down to Dragn’s H’s weakness. (JMHO).

I’m married to a quadriplegic. There were PLENTY of things I would have wanted to do with him sexually that were not anatomically possible. But we found plenty to do. It wasn’t his not completely functional body that turned me off. It was his choices before me, and of course the cheating after we were together.

I wish I had paid more attention and let his past weigh heavier when I was deciding to commit to him forever.

Dragon, I would tell him - I’d he dares to bring it up again - that you did the right thing by sharing the info, you did nothing “wrong”, and he needs to MAN UP and deal with his indiscretions rather than pretending to “tease” you about something he accepted from your past, to diminish what he has done.

Sorry...I guess this hit a nerve with me.

DragnHeart posted 10/18/2020 08:19 AM

Dragon, I would tell him - I’d he dares to bring it up again - that you did the right thing by sharing the info, you did nothing “wrong”, and he needs to MAN UP and deal with his indiscretions rather than pretending to “tease” you about something he accepted from your past, to diminish what he has done.

Thanks whatsright!

This is exactly what I did. He hasnt "teased" me since.

A mans value should be set by the money/ alpha maleness he can bring into the marriage and a woman's value is her virginity and how much she can worship his dick
No .but on the plus side you can officially join the Taliban now

That "worship his dick" made me laugh. No one is owed anything in life. And the constant blabbering that woman owe men sex is so damn ridiculous.


He cheated because he is a cheater and now he is blame shifting . quite simple

Yes it is that simple. But he knows better now. I wont tolerate that sort of bullshit.

WhatsRight posted 10/18/2020 12:01 PM

A mans value should be set by the money/ alpha maleness he can bring into the marriage and a woman's value is her virginity and how much she can worship his dick
No .but on the plus side you can officially join the Taliban now

OMG...When I saw this, I thought it was an honest / straight post. Then, when I read the last sentence, I snorted water out my nose. 😂😂😂

WhatsRight posted 10/18/2020 12:24 PM

Madam DragnHeart...

You dated a number of men over a period of years. 2 of them happened to be brothers. They were aware of the situation. You didn’t cheat.

You met your future WH. You told him about the admittedly unusual “brothers” situation. He stated no shock or disgust or aversion.

You married him. You screwed him every which way but loose. (Excuse me). Rocked his world in bed. He was all about it. He never mentioned the “brothers” situation.

Then he cheated. Not once, but over time. You have been willing to be open to R. You have even had sex with him during the R attempt. Even when he was behaving badly.

Now, he is not doing the R work. You have had enough. You have (understandably) withdrawn. No more sex. He (understandably) doesn’t like that.

You are strong. He knows you have resolve and can’t be moved. He sees an opening to passive aggressively get in a dig about the “brothers”. The ones that never bothered him before. So he gets the dig in...because he knows he’s not getting “anything else” in.

He is actually punishing you for being strong, and, expecting him to step up and be the man he can be. Looking for a chink in your armor you wear due to his cheating.

Passive aggressive
Manipulative
Childish
Weak

I say “weak” because NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENING IF HE WOULD JUST HONESTLY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY DO THE WORK!!!!!

I know YOU understand this.

I am writing it out as I did in the event that your WH reads this, well...just maybe he will “GET IT”.

I wish the best for the 2 of you, but for both your sakes, I HOPE HE GETS IT at some point, because sometimes our tolerance to things change.

You are offering him an undeserved gift.

❤️❤️❤️

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:30 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

HardKnocks posted 10/18/2020 13:47 PM

DragnHeart!

You need to start listening to yourself!

Seriously; listen.to.yourself.

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 1:48 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/18/2020 14:26 PM

I'm listening.

Got so much other shit going on now that this brothers shit just isnt anywhere on my radar.

Trapped74 posted 10/26/2020 16:44 PM

His reply: "of course not I just like getting a rise out of you".

Sounds like the asshole shit my POSWH says. He'll say really mean things, then tell me he's just kidding. (Then of course, I'm a big stick-in-the-mud for not having a sense of humor. Fuck that, I'm hilarious, and I can do it without knocking his dick in the dirt.)

And virginity - ugh. The concept that a man's dick can change a woman's value.

DragnHeart posted 10/27/2020 03:35 AM

He'll say really mean things, then tell me he's just kidding. (Then of course, I'm a big stick-in-the-mud for not having a sense of humor. Fuck that, I'm hilarious, and I can do it without knocking his dick in the dirt.)

Yep that "just kidding" line always pisses me off. He uses humor as an excuse just to be mean and make it so it doesnt appear mean, just a joke.

Well that's fine for him to do but when I serve him up some of his own shit man does he take offence lol. I'm not one for snappy comebacks but lately if he starts thia shit I had it right back at him and he hates it. Surprisingly he is doing it less.

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