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Past sexual history obstacle

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DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 12:22 PM

Sorry I hadn't realized. All good to go now.

I need to clean house on pm's but some are just so hard to delete. Even though I know they are in my email somewhere.

landclark posted 10/16/2020 12:32 PM

I think the underlying issue here is that people (not directed at you, DragnHeart) don't seem to want to understand that anybody can have a problem with anything. People have a right to say they want a virgin. They have a right to say that they want the polar opposite of that. People can have lots of sex, or they cannot. All of us get to make these decisions for ourself.

Where I draw the line is when people try to make their issue into my issue. If men have an issue with my sexual past, that is absolutely in no way my issue. If they want something I am unable or unwilling to provide sexually, again, that is not my issue. It's 100% theirs. There are way too many people who try to use "well guys are like this, you just need to deal with it" mentality to get women to acquiesce, and when we don't, that gets thrown back at us.

Men can be however they want, with any standards that they want, any ego flaws that they want. That is not a me problem though. That's a you problem, and I don't have to just accept it as "the way it is".

[This message edited by landclark at 12:53 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 13:07 PM

Where I draw the line is when people try to make their issue into my issue

Yes and IF it was really an issue then he should have brought it up way before now.

It disnt make him stop having all those years of sex with me so.i doubt it was a real issue.

Butforthegrace posted 10/16/2020 13:10 PM

People have a right to say they want a virgin. They have a right to say that they want the polar opposite of that.

Where I draw the line is when people try to make their issue into my issue. If men have an issue with my sexual past, that is absolutely in no way my issue.

Yes and no. If a person wants a virgin, and you're not a virgin, decency calls for you to disclose that before committing.

Me, personally, no way would I want to marry a virgin. I felt most comfortable marrying a woman with a fair amount of experience. The logic was: she had a pretty good idea of what was out there sexually, she knew what she liked, so if she committed to me, chances are pretty good that she won't later start to second-guess that.

landclark posted 10/16/2020 13:13 PM

Yes and no. If a person wants a virgin, and you're not a virgin, decency calls for you to disclose that before committing.

This is obviously a different story. If you know somebody wants a virgin, lie about being a virgin, they find out later that you lied, then I don't think most people are going to say the person being lied to has no right to be upset. Clearly that's not what I am talking about though.

ETA - However, I am in still no way less than because I am not what they want. That is their issue. Not a reflection of me or my worth and value at all.

[This message edited by landclark at 1:14 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 13:22 PM

Yeah, but dh's situation is closer to finding someone who says they love farts, spending years dated and married and farting together only for them to announce later that they don't like how you used to fart with other people before you met.

It's ridiculous.

Rideitout posted 10/16/2020 13:33 PM

"well guys are like this, you just need to deal with it" mentality to get women to acquiesce, and when we don't, that gets thrown back at us.

What does "acquiesce" mean in your mind? Accept that some guys are like that? If so, yes, I suppose you could call that forcing you to acquiesce, or, you could call it "reality". It's not to get you to acquiesce to anything, it really has nothing to do with you at all, it's just the reality of male/female relationships. It's not a "you" thing though, anymore it's a "me" thing that women generally like to date men taller then them and I'm not that tall. Or a "me" thing that many women have a fantasy of a "50 Shades" type romance. It's got nothing to do with me, until I try to/want to date, then it could impede my luck with women because there are some women who hold a "dark, rich, BDSM loving, playboy" as their "standard" and, well, that's not me. Sad? I suppose, why can't people just like me for the pot smoking, 300lb, video game playing, no job having person that I want to be?? But, guess what? I can rail against it all I want, it's not going to change the fact that there are a lot more women attracted to a 180lb, goal oriented, well off man than the 300lb video game guy. In some ways, I think it's silly, in other ways, I understand completely. But it's got jack all to do with me up to the point where I have little success dating, find a "manosphere site" and get the "talking to" (get a job, stop smoking pot, get in shape, then see how you do).

Men can be however they want, with any standards that they want, any ego flaws that they want. That is not a me problem though. That's a you problem, and I don't have to just accept it as "the way it is".

What's the alternative to accepting it for "the way it is"? I mean, I guess we can all model the "perfect world" in our head, but.. Beyond that, it's adapt or die. Trust me, I was that guy, the "nice guy" who was a complete white knight and couldn't get a date from women to save my life. Eventually, I got sick of it, and I adapted to what women found sexually attractive (surprise, it's not my new 386 computer). And I have a lot more success that way. Sure, I could have decided "you know what, f**k women, I'm not playing their game" and, given how it's turned out for me, maybe that would have been a good idea, but, I can't say "the world should revolve around my standards" because, well, it don't work that way.

Striver posted 10/16/2020 13:38 PM

Me, personally, no way would I want to marry a virgin. I felt most comfortable marrying a woman with a fair amount of experience. The logic was: she had a pretty good idea of what was out there sexually, she knew what she liked, so if she committed to me, chances are pretty good that she won't later start to second-guess that.

Unless she's lying about her level of commitment, or open to starting things up again with a past lover.

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 13:45 PM

Omg

This isnt a BH vs ww thread.

It's a Bw being slut shamed for past sexual partners by her wh using it as a defection tactic to take away from his own shittiness.

Geez.

landclark posted 10/16/2020 13:55 PM

Rideitout, in the context of this particular thread (not your tangents), my point in not accepting it is that I donít have to say to myself ďwell, I guess Iím less than because some guy said I had too much sex, Iíll never pair bond because of it, Iíll have to repeat sex acts with every man I know forever and ever to protect their ego.Ē I donít have to accept that somebody elseís standards mean Iím less than. I donít have to compromise my body to protect somebodyís ego.

As far as acquiesce, my point is that some people on this thread who when the women werenít just agreeing that the WH in this situation is sooo right and here are all the reasons why, jumped to pointing the finger at the BW as being the issue.

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 14:00 PM

Unless she's lying about her level of commitment, or open to starting things up again with a past lover.

Well that's a view because of being a betrayed.

Not everyone goes into a new relationship thinking that he/she said A but they probably mean C & D.

Not all woman cheat.

Not all men cheat.

You're grouping all woman into the lying cheat category and that's not right.

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 14:02 PM

I love how all the guys skipped over my prostate massage turn table of events to make a point. Guess it's to touchy a subject lol

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 14:10 PM

I love how all the guys skipped over my prostate massage turn table of events to make a point. Guess it's to touchy a subject

I'm not pointing any fingers, I wasn't gonna touch it either.

Striver posted 10/16/2020 14:59 PM

You're grouping all woman into the lying cheat category and that's not right.

All I am doing is being wary based on my experience.

I had a long con pulled on me. Going into that one, I didn't really think about that sort of thing. Thought people were mostly straightforward. I learned the hard way that some are not.

I am also willing to apply everything I think about others to myself. I've added a few things to my relationship toolbox, but some things have been taken away as well. Maybe temporarily, maybe for good. That changes who I can be as a potential partner. If I'm on my 5th/6th LTR at some point in my life, I don't think it's going to be the same for me. That's not a goal of my, that's not the way I'm oriented. If that's my fate, it'll probably do more harm than good.

Hippo16 posted 10/16/2020 17:51 PM

DragnHeart


I'm going to put this right at the top of the first post to clarify something that keeps getting misunderstood.

I dated brothers. These two guys were NOT my wh brothers. I didnt date them at the same time. I dated them many years apart from eachother. In fact after I broke up with brother one I dated and got engaged to a totally different guy before I caught my fiance cheating and ended the engagement. After that is when I dated the second brother...


I'm sure this has been brought up but does the past sexual history of your partner cause issues within your relationship?

Some people (most?) respond to what they interpret the words to mean instead of what the writer intended. So your post has some odd turns -


I think NTV said it best:


Yeah, but dh's situation is closer to finding someone who says they love farts, spending years dated and married and farting together only for them to announce later that they don't like how you used to fart with other people before you met.

It's ridiculous.

I think best to connect with someone who has lots of experience - at least you know the person won't wonder to much about "what they missed out on" later in life.

Regarding your spouse - he has problems and is trashing you because of his issue with reality.

Also - other than the (supposed) lack of disease - Virginity is highly over rated.

I think of marrying a virgin a bit like hiring a gardener who has never pushed a lawnmower. (Shit - there went the Petunias!)

edit - dang spell checker

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 5:52 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 18:07 PM

I'm not pointing any fingers, I wasn't gonna touch it either.


Why not touch it? Same issue isnt it?

Let's say my wh had a past partner and they engaged in prostate massage.

He didnt like it.

Years later he is dating me and reveals that he did this prostate massage thing with a past partner but he wont let me do it.

So he bonded with another woman with this but he wont bond that way with me.

Let's face it men receiving anything anal is still kinda taboo and puts one in a vulnerable position. He got vulnerable with her but he wont with me.

So I should end the relationship over it or just demand he suck it up and take one for the team?

Come on guys can you not see how ridiculous that is???

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 18:08 PM

I'm stepping away for the evening. Got season 6 of Sons of Anarchy to finish and had a fire while cooking dinner. Thank god wh has a good nose! Could have been so much worse...but I need a break from stress lol. Nite all.

OwningItNow posted 10/16/2020 18:19 PM

I feel like--unless you are in an M where your WW lied about her sexuality before marrying you--you should not be speaking; put the megaphone down. Raging against a fictional situation not taking place with a real member here (is there a BH whose WW lied before marriage? Anyone?) is a waste of people's time and energy. Why get so riled about the idea of a woman lying about "your temple of purity that's been promised"? Lol. Just kidding. But honestly, I want to start a thread about hating how men marry you and then make you perform every sexual act ever or they threaten to take your kids to a far off land! It MUST stop!!!! Even though it hasn't happened to anyone I know. (But hey, it sounds awful. And men should NOT do that! If they are thinking about it. Ever.)

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:21 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

oldtruck posted 10/16/2020 19:32 PM

Why not touch it? Same issue isnt it?

Let's say my wh had a past partner and they engaged in prostate massage.

He didnt like it.

Years later he is dating me and reveals that he did this prostate massage thing with a past partner but he wont let me do it.

So he bonded with another woman with this but he wont bond that way with me.

Let's face it men receiving anything anal is still kinda taboo and puts one in a vulnerable position. He got vulnerable with her but he wont with me.

So I should end the relationship over it or just demand he suck it up and take one for the team?


trying prostrate massage and not liking it is not a bonding
experience.

if it did nothing for him he could take one for the team
and do it once so his wife could check that off her bucket list.

if it was extremely painful for him and left him in pain for
a week his should understand and accept that he cannot
take one for the team and is has nothing to do with her.

this is totally opposite then a BH that never got something
from his WW that he always wanted yet she did it with her
OM and now refuses to do it for her BH.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 7:35 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/17/2020 04:04 AM

It's the exact same thing.

No this isnt a BH/Ww thing. It's a bw/wh thing and yet here you are defending him to the bitter end. Turn the tables to something that hits home with you however and suddenly you all will do anything to save your butts.

How about this:

Man does sexual thing with partner while dating.

Man gets married to totally different woman years later.

Husband and wife discuss past sexual partners and activities and nothing is said by wife.

She cheats. Then suddenly those things her husband did with his past partners are used against him, to shame him, to justify her affairs .

Of course it ain't the same thing (note sarcasm).

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 4:13 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

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