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Past sexual history obstacle

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landclark posted 10/16/2020 09:29 AM

"Honey, I know I was a big spender on all these blonde ex girlfriends I had. And I know I still have enough money to spend lavishly on you as well. But I'm not going to."

Is that a priority for the woman? What is the reason he gives? Is it because he realized that he needed to save for a future, maybe a child's college fund?

You're really reaching here. Nothing you say will ever justify that just because something was previously done you're obligated to do it now.

DevastatedDee posted 10/16/2020 09:30 AM

"Honey, I know I was a big spender on all these blonde ex girlfriends I had. And I know I still have enough money to spend lavishly on you as well. But I'm not going to."

You know, the "why" does kinda matter. If it's "I don't care about you as much", it matters. If it's "I don't find you attractive", it matters. If it's "I had a sexual experience that hurt me and I don't want to repeat that with you", how is that comparable to spending money? It's better for her to do something that hurts her so that you can say that you claimed her that way too?

If I met some guy who felt that he needed to purchase love from women right up until he met me, I'd be a bit worried about his psychology. It wouldn't end because money.

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 09:31 AM

That is nothing to shame any woman for, but it's disgusting to see it done here to a BW. Sorry you had to read this shit, DragnHeart.

No worries. I've developed some pretty thick skin over the years. And none of this shit surprises me anymore. Sad to read it but not surprising.

Goes to show the human species hasnt evolved as much as we think we have.

Sunspot posted 10/16/2020 09:39 AM

If it's "I had a sexual experience that hurt me and I don't want to repeat that with you", how is that comparable to spending money?

Hurt would be a different story. It'd be super easy to get a guy to KISA himself out of his own ideals if the claim was hurt. So that's not the the issue I raise.

For anything EXCEPT hurt (which every man except the worst 1% will accept gallantly), it'll be basically impossible to convince a male that the reason isn't: "Been there, done that, bonded with someone else over it."

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 09:47 AM

Hey guys let me turn the tables for ya.


Nothing like spilling my sexual past onto a public forum but wtf.

One of my ex's (and no NOT either of the brothers), was totally into prostate massage. A thing that's less taboo nowadays than back then. He enjoyed it and I enjoyed getting him off that way.

Now say my wh had tried that with a past partner but didnt enjoy it and refused to do it with me.

Does that give me any right to demand it?

Of course not.

He tried it, didnt enjoy it, and doesnt want to do that with me. Ok.

The difference here is RESPECT. I respect his choice, his decision, his right to control what happens with his own body.

Apparently none of you guys have that same respect for your SO. And that's just sad.

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 09:53 AM

Sounds like this thread is veering off topic.

Dragonfart, I have a suggestion. I'd like you to ask you hubby the following question:

"The other night you said something that's been bugging me. Do my past relationships really bother you? Are your brothers giving you shit about it? Or were you just trying to guilttrip into giving you a bj?"

How he reacts will be telling.

Edited to add: gotta ask in person so you can see his face. If he looks like a stinker, you know it was a bj tactic.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 9:59 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 10:01 AM

NTV

I love you man but this....


Are your brothers giving you shit about it?

Come on how many times do I have to repeat myself in this thread.

These brothers are not brothers to wh.

They were years before I even met my wh.

These brothers were dated years apart and between my engagement to a totally different guy.


Do my past relationships really bother you?


Guess you missed it but I did ask him.point blank what his issue was about my past sexual history and he replied:

That he only bugged me about the brothers to get a rise out of me...


Ys know having to repeat myself is exhausting people.

I dated brothers many years apart (one just after high school, the other after university and an engagement to another man) and even more years way before I met my current wayward husband.

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 10:04 AM

Eh, sorry dh. 7 pages is a lot to read to catch up.

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 10:07 AM

Ya want my opinion on past sexual history to make up for it?

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 10:13 AM

I edited the first post to hopefully clarify this misunderstanding of the brothers being brothers to wh...

Ya want my opinion on past sexual history to make up for it?

The problem is using past sexual history as a weapon towards a betrayed spouse as a means to justify having affairs.

Thers nothing to make up for.

Wh had the best sex ever with me, kinks, lots of trips to the sex shops, lots of toys, sex every night, multiple times a day, everywhere....and yet he cheated.

He doesnt suddenly get to complain about me having dated brothers after his affairs when it was never an issue before them.

EllieKMAS posted 10/16/2020 10:15 AM

TKOGA,

I had a threesome in college. Freshman year. It was an awful, awkward experience and I felt like shit about myself for days afterwards. Am I obligated to have a threesome with my husband even though it's been over a decade and the memory and thought of it repulses me? Just because I've done it once before?
Well, if I am reading this correctly, apparently yes you are obligated to do it so the current man's ego doesn't shatter like an eggshell. *clutching pearls* *dramatically throwing hand on forehead* Heavens above, we can't have that, now can we?? (Aside - I REALLY need a sarcasm font in my life)

Dee

Ha, whatever. Had WAP been a song in my club days, I'd have been dancing to "there's some whores in this house" every weekend.
Hahahaha! Girl, same!! So since I missed it in the club times, I have now rewritten lyrics for it and sing it to my girl dogs

sisoon posted 10/16/2020 10:40 AM

** Posting as a member **

To clarify my point- It has zero to do with insecurity. It is valuation.
WalkingHome, That statement is exactly about insecurity, as are your posts in this thread. You basically say you need to believe you're the winner in order to not feel insecure.

You're seeking external validation, and IMO you're lying to yourself. To use a pond analogy, we are all residents of small ponds. In any area of competition, the best we know - I mean know personally - is just a big frog in a small pond. It would be wise to keep in mind that there are probably bigger frogs in different ponds.

And even in the same pond, well, Reggie Jackson hit a lot of homers, and he struck out a lot. Nobody is tops in more than a few areas of life. Most of us aren't tops in any area of life.

Competition? I've accomplished far more through cooperation than through competition.

Say whatever you want to about how men are, but please PLEASE do not put all women in the same category - especially not this one.
I can't accept that, Ellie.

Oh, I'm totally on board with the part about not putting all women in that same category.

I simply can't accept 'say whatever you want about how men are.' No man can speak for all men. No other man can speak for me.

It sounds like your WH had some issues with your past that bothered him and didn't feel safe talking to you about it.
Well, it looks like you get it - you write that Dragn's H has a problem....
Frankly...I can see why he would feel that way from your responses here.
What bothers you about Dragn's words?
You might want to explore that a bit.
Usually, when one points a finger at someone else, 3 fingers are point backwards.

If Dragn's H has a problem with her sexual history, he's the only one who can solve it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:42 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

WalkingHome posted 10/16/2020 10:54 AM

You and I likely won't agree but I appreciate your perspective.


To clarify- Winning is not a belief or a feeling. It is evidentiary. Nobody has to feel it...it shows. Winning, whether in sports or in life, is defined by a scoreboard and an outcome, not by a feeling.


Her position on her WH was judgmental, as if he has no right to his own standards for historic behavior. While is is a WH, and thus needs to make that right, he and all men/women have an absolute right to their own standards for how they will be with in a relationship.

If she shuts him down on his ability to have standards, both past and present, he will act out of resentment and anger.

Frankly, it sounds like WH is not compatible as he has a standard she doesn't meet and he should not have married someone who had done something he wasn't ok with. It bothers him because that is his personal standard...and it won't go away.

Everyone has their red lines that can't be crossed. They are different for all of us. It's why people need to have that conversation before marriage, not after.


The gist is don't marry someone that has a past you can't handle...if you do, you are in for a lifetime of frustration and anger.

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 10:55 AM

Wh had the best sex ever with me, kinks, lots of trips to the sex shops, lots of toys, sex every night, multiple times a day, everywhere....and yet he cheated.

He doesnt suddenly get to complain about me having dated brothers after his affairs when it was never an issue before them.

Yeah, that sounds a whole lot like deflection.

Honestly, I don't understand why he'd bring it up unless you're telling him about it and he doesn't want to hear.

But then I ain't him.

As far as what the other members are talking about, which comes across as really REALLY creepy (for both the male and female members)... let me see of I understand this right.

Some men are bothered by past sexual history of potential female companions? Well yeah, lots men do.
I can see how that might derive from a number reasons:
-envy, as in their experiences are better than mine. Which, to be fair, most young women have way more options to explore their sexuality with then men do.
-disgust, as in a specific sexual act isn't congruent with their ideal mate's behavior (i.e. gangbang, prostitution, drug orgy, etc.)
-specific partner choice (i.e. ya slept wif my pa?!?!) Jerry Springer stuff does happen somewhere.

I saw that some posts saying that a man who doesn't care about a woman's past is ideal for them. I'd argue that if the man doesn't have at least SOME screening things, then it's unlikely he's a viable partner for long term relationships.

With regards to the SEXUAL ACTS done in previous relationships not being on the table for current ones bothering some dudes? Sure. Some dudes like freaky things. If they are turned down for those freaky things but know the woman has done them in the past with others, it could serve as a point of contention. Especially if the dude thinks the lack of desire to do those freaky things with him is related to a lack of respect or lust held for a previous partner.

Does that mean a woman has to or should do those acts? Fuck no. People's taste in food and sex changes over time. If it gives ya bad gas, ya can skip it if you want. A dude saying he wants to taste that too, it don't mean the woman has to cook the meal.

Now, if some dude wants to be salty that he didn't get from his gal what some other dude got, then that's got nothing to do with me.

If I wasn't married, and back dating... and the girl I dated refused something I requested but I knew she had done whatever in the past, that might be a deal-breaker for me. Too many fish in the sea not to find one I'm sexually compatible with. Especially if I'm back fishing.

It's really something worked out in the dating process. Not first date, most likely.

Does that mean I have a fragile male ego too? Probably, based on what I've read here. <shrig> I built my ego around the quality and quantity of my flatulence, so it's mostly hot air to begin with anyway.

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 11:56 AM

Her position on her WH was judgmental, as if he has no right to his own standards for historic behavior. While is is a WH, and thus needs to make that right, he and all men/women have an absolute right to their own standards for how they will be with in a relationship.

If she shuts him down on his ability to have standards, both past and present, he will act out of resentment and anger.

Frankly, it sounds like WH is not compatible as he has a standard she doesn't meet and he should not have married someone who had done something he wasn't ok with. It bothers him because that is his personal standard...and it won't go away.

Everyone has their red lines that can't be crossed. They are different for all of us. It's why people need to have that conversation before marriage, not after.


The gist is don't marry someone that has a past you can't handle...if you do, you are in for a lifetime of frustration and anger.


So I'm not allowed to be "judgemental " or just plain pussed off that hes using this tactic to slut shame me AFTER HIS AFFAIRS???


The problem is using past sexual history as a weapon towards a betrayed spouse as a means to justify having affairs.

^^^^^^^this is what hes doing. He had NO problem with my sexual past before he fuxked other woman while married to me.

We did have this discussion and he never once said that me having dated brothers was an issue for him. It's not like I fucked both of them at the same damn time. The dating of the brothers was years apart FFS.

If this is a jealousy thing that to damn bad. I dont have a sister. If hes so hell bent on fucking sisters he should have done so before we married... I do have two brothers....maybe he'd get kicks from having them gang bang him...

Seriously I ha e every right to be mad at my wh for trying to shame me for ahit that happened years before he was even a thought...

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 12:00 PM

Dragonfart, I agree. Now, on the other hand, previous-to-marriage recorded farts of outstanding proportions are an acceptable cause for envy.

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 12:01 PM

it sounds like WH is not compatible as he has a standard she doesn't meet

When the hell did screwing siblings become a standard from which guys determine a current partners sexual compatibility?

Omg are you serious?

He sure as shit didnt have a problem with fucking me for years multiple times a day until he had his affairs. Geez it just must have been so hard to screw me all those times knowing I wasnt his sex compatible slave....

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 12:04 PM

Why work yourself up over this?

DragnHeart posted 10/16/2020 12:07 PM

Why work yourself up over this?

Wh constant jabs were an annoyance. Since I told him to knock it off and no longer give him a reaction he hasnt brought the brothers up since.

On this thread however the amount of sexist bull from BH is just head shaking...I cant get over how they would agree with a wh to slut shame a bw.

It really is sad.

Notthevictem posted 10/16/2020 12:19 PM

Ya know your pms are full?

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