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Past sexual history obstacle

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DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 12:32 PM

I'm going to put this right at the top of the first post to clarify something that keeps getting misunderstood.

I dated brothers. These two guys were NOT my wh brothers. I didnt date them at the same time. I dated them many years apart from eachother. In fact after I broke up with brother one I dated and got engaged to a totally different guy before I caught my fiance cheating and ended the engagement. After that is when I dated the second brother...


I'm sure this has been brought up but does the past sexual history of your partner cause issues within your relationship?

Wh knows my past. I know his. He seems to be hung up on the fact I dated brothers. NOT at the same time...but over the course of a few years yes I was friends with the family, was a rebound relationship for one that obviously didnt work out and then eventually became involved with his younger brother. That ended as well due to a difference in future plans and values. All good in my book.

But wh just seems to be stuck on this point.

Last night as we ended our Sons of Anarchy evening he said that he never expected me to enjoy a TV show about a biker gang. He knows I used to hang out at a biker bar when I was young so I dont know why he thinks this way. He then says but you got it on with brothers so you obviously enjoy that sorta life (I'm paraphrasing).

I'm almost ten years older than he is and had more ...sexual relationships than I care to really admit. I wasnt a slut. If anything everyone knew me as the Good Girl but yes I branched out after high school and it didn't really end up well. Lots of drinking. Avoided the drugs thankfully but was just not in a good headspace back then.

Wh almost seems jealous of that old me.

Now I can be just as adventurous now...and have been with him so I'm kinda stuck on what to do.

I did say "oh I guess you never got it on with sisters before we hooked up or well afterwards "...a plug at him I accept that but damn what's his damn problem. Is this common with men to have issues with their partners past relationships. Is it better to just not be honest about that stuff caus i kinda regret telling him....

???????

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 10:08 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

Murkywaters posted 10/8/2020 12:48 PM

Is it better to just not be honest about that stuff caus i kinda regret telling him....

So instead lie to keep everything on an even keel?

DictumVeritas posted 10/8/2020 12:51 PM

The short answer to your question is yes. Men almost without exception takes exception to his wife's sexual history if it is extensive or particularly raunchy.

Running into another man your SO has slept with, the rivalry and apprehensive atmosphere towards the other male is palpable.

Finding out facts about her sexual history she left undisclosed is more than just possibly a deal breaker.

Some things men do know beforehand and "accept" with just an offhand "wish that never happened", but the wish can be a hidden cancer that over time can fester to a "how did I even fall for this woman?" kind of resentment.

Yes, to most men I know and definitely personally a woman's sexual history matters a great deal.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 12:53 PM

Obviously not I was being more of a smart ass thank you.


Exactly hoe does one handle this being an issue?


Yes, to most men I know and definitely personally a woman's sexual history matters a great deal
.

Then he should have brought this up early on. Before we married. Or at least talked about.it.

Now iys an every once in a while jab at me that's pissing me off. I'm not as likely to just take it now, that's why I through in the statement to him.

There got to be a better way to handle this without taking jabs at eachother.

crazyblindsided posted 10/8/2020 12:55 PM

My STBX had issues with my one night stands. I guess in his eyes that made me more slutty and that I was impulsive.

I did take issue with my STBX's sexual history with his girlfriend before me. Their age difference bothered me a lot. Him being 20 when she was 15. He has a pattern with preying on those who are vulnerable. I do take issue with that.

Butforthegrace posted 10/8/2020 12:56 PM

Is this common with men to have issues with their partners past relationships.

Yes, it is common. I call it the "Chasing Amy" issue (after the movie of that name).

However, the odd twist to your plight is that your husband was the one who cheated.

Outside of the context of infidelity, I highly recommend that people contemplating a long-term committed marriage give complete disclosure of their sexual histories to one another. If it's not done in advance, it tends to trickle out by happenstance over time.

Some people have hangups about certain types of sexual experience of their partners. It's good to suss that out BEFORE entering into a committed relationship.

If there was full disclosure and the partner still decided to proceed with the long term committed relationship, then prior sexual history is no longer fair game.

In your case, there is the added level that your husband cheated on you. What an asshole to lord it over you about dating brothers in an earlier time of life. He's clearly trying to manipulate you and guilt-shift you.

By the way, a friend of mine (a guy) dated two women in college who were not just sisters, but identical twins. He dated one, then they broke up, then a couple years later dated the other. Damn.

nekonamida posted 10/8/2020 12:56 PM

But wh just seems to be stuck on this point.

YOUR WH? The serial cheater? The one who repeatedly plays online footsies with internet sex workers? Who still thinks it's cool to chat up OW and hide it from you? And he seriously believes he has any leg to stand on to questions YOUR morals while you put up with his unfaithful ass? Hell no.

Now I can be just as adventurous now...and have been with him so I'm kinda stuck on what to do.

First - NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. This is not a real concern. This is the one potentially morally questionable thing you did that your WH chooses to drag out from time to time in order to prove the point that you're no angel and what he did isn't so bad because you were wild once too. The only issue is you literally did nothing wrong and didn't hurt anyone. HE chose to screw around while married and utterly destroyed your relationship with him in the process. That's a world of difference and you DO NOT need to cater to his manipulative framing of the situation. In fact, you shouldn't pay any attention at all to it because drawing attention to it sends the message that there is something valid to it when there's not.

Just look at these two statements:

over the course of a few years yes I was friends with the family, was a rebound relationship for one that obviously didnt work out and then eventually became involved with his younger brother. That ended as well due to a difference in future plans and values. All good in my book.

He then says but you got it on with brothers so you obviously enjoy that sorta life (I'm paraphrasing).

See how different the reality of the situation compared to what he said? He makes it sound like you had a threesome with them or were cheating and implied you enjoy a criminal lifestyle because of it. So not only is his version of even a complete lie, it's also disgusting, blamey, and shamey because he's implying your consent to dating two brothers at two different times is the same as consenting to all sorts of the illegal and morally reprehensible activity that would go on in a biker gang. Old ladies of bikers belong to the gang and get passed around. That's what he's saying he thinks you might be in to and that's low even for him. It's why you feel the need to clarify that you weren't a slut when what you describe is a normal dating life that most of us had at some point in time when we were young.

Real talk - what is your status with him right now? Are you still detaching and moving into the roommate relationship you said you wanted or is he showing you ACTIONS towards R? Because this sure as hell is not something roommates worry about so you need to step way back if he's still doing whatever he wants and giving you more lip service. You need to get back on that 180.

Is this common with men to have issues with their partners past relationships.

It's very common with unrepentant cheaters - male and female alike - to find one little thing in your past to make a big deal out of in order to take the heat off of themselves and pull you down to their level. It's not normal at all for regular people. In fact IME, most men really don't care much about that kind of stuff and wouldn't think twice about dating sisters like that if they did it.

nekonamida posted 10/8/2020 12:58 PM

Running into another man your SO has slept with, the rivalry and apprehensive atmosphere towards the other male is palpable.

Speak for yourself. My husband is best friends with my first ever boyfriend from 15 years ago. They're going sky diving together next week and they don't care. Some men care but many don't.

DictumVeritas posted 10/8/2020 13:05 PM

In a perfect world, we would know all our deal breakers off the bat. I personally have a couple and if a woman I dated in the past did X, Y or Z or I found out she lied to me about her sexual history, I walked in a heartbeat, because I know I could not live with X, Y or Z being in her past and I can not abide being lied to.

However, there is always the elusive U, V and W that falls into the "I think I can live with that" category. Not quite a deal breaker when weighed against your feelings for her and her good qualities but definitely an "I wish that never happened".

Should something be taken off the other end of the scale in terms of either personal emotion towards her, she gains a vice that rubs the man the wrong way or the "I wish that never happened" turns into a "I'm dry heaving because that happened", then that aspect of her sexual history turns from a negative to the relationship to the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I am not defending your WH and do not even know the extent of your sexual history, I am merely answering the question of whether or not a woman's sexual history matters to a man from a personal perspective.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 1:11 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

DictumVeritas posted 10/8/2020 13:08 PM

Some men care but many don't.

I would hazard to say that it is the exception that proves the rule and the more factual statement is:

"Most men care, but many don't."

Again, this is only a statement of observation and experience gained from dwelling on this dirtball for 50 years. I have not conducted or read any formal research on the matter.

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 13:11 PM

If there was full disclosure and the partner still decided to proceed with the long term committed relationship, then prior sexual history is no longer fair game.

Yes it was discussed. I believe even before we got intimate.

YOUR WH? The serial cheater? The one who repeatedly plays online footsies with internet sex workers? Who still thinks it's cool to chat up OW and hide it from you? And he seriously believes he has any leg to stand on to questions YOUR morals while you put up with his unfaithful ass? Hell no.

Easy lol. Yes my wh.

Not chatting with a past OW, just a former co worker that happens to have a vagina so ya I suspect but it's not in his full disclosure of affair events and I have no proof.

Not internet sex workers, models who have pages of them doing cosplay etc. Still not ok with me.

Real talk - what is your status with him right now? Are you still detaching and moving into the roommate relationship you said you wanted or is he showing you ACTIONS towards R? Because this sure as hell is not something roommates worry about so you need to step way back if he's still doing whatever he wants and giving you more lip service. You need to get back on that 180.


Still at arms length. Hes reading here, discussing what hes reading, being forthright with what's going on in his head. Driving into more action now than he has, though I told him he will keep this up for a while then be right back at shit. He knows it's going to take actions over a period of time to rebuild trust...

Note: trying to reply as replies are coming in is hard lol. I also just tore apart my kitchen and am sitting on the stool because I camt even see floor. If I dont respond as quickly I'm just cleaning up before the kids get home.


My wh is easily a jealous man. He doesnt like when men look at me and will point out when a guy checks me out. Hes not possessive or controlling of me but he does show his discomfort if another man just looks.

I should just tell him that my past is my past and that's where its staying and if he cant accept that then he shouldn't have married me to begin with. And that I wont tolerate having that thrown in my face anymore.

Lalagirl posted 10/8/2020 13:15 PM

Hot damn, nekonamida, drop that f'in mic, girl!

Dragn...I wish I could put it as perfectly as she - this is pure gold!

TKOGA posted 10/8/2020 13:16 PM

[This message edited by TKOGA at 1:17 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 10/8/2020 13:21 PM

My wh is easily a jealous man. He doesnt like when men look at me and will point out when a guy checks me out. Hes not possessive or controlling of me but he does show his discomfort if another man just looks.

This is a really good indicator of emotional immaturity/insecurity, mostly driven by guilt and shame. It's really a shame he won't dig deep and get some good help.

My FWH was the man you describe above 13 years ago; he did IC for 2 years straight and if a man looks in my direction now, he thinks it's great...he admitted that in his original mindset, I was more of his "possession" than his life partner and love. Lots of FOO issues - 13 brothers and sisters, lots of emotional abuse, never had anything he could call "his" - point is, he worked through it until he became the man he is today. I never would have thought it possible.

Anything is possible - I really hope your WH gets to that place.

Hugs girl!

DragnHeart posted 10/8/2020 13:28 PM

Well hes confirmed for me what men here have been saying. That they feel connection and love through physical means with their partner and because I haven't even let him touch me hes feeling very disconnected, unloved etc.

Even with all hes put me through I always managed to hug him and now he doesnt even have that.

Hes just starting to get into this shit so I dont expect a light bulb moment to happen right away. I dont expect big change. I do expect continued effort. I am seeing effort.

I've made my share.of.mistakes that haven't helped either of us as well so this is a.process for both of us.

TKOGA posted 10/8/2020 13:34 PM

Dictum Veritas, what do men prefer? As far as a woman's sexual history goes? That she's never had sex? It's difficult for me to imagine that so many men are that insecure.

Chicklette posted 10/8/2020 13:39 PM

Well my fWH has no problem with my past. Weíve both been married before, and when I was younger I was a bit wild. Iíve slept with a lot more men than he has women. When we were engaged I was really anxious about it-my first WH was horribly jealous. FWH asked me to write a list of everyone Iíd slept with. I gave it to him the next time I saw him and he told me to rip it up as itís all now in the past. He didnít even want to look at it. And thatís where it stayed, in the past. Weíve been married 28 years and heís never brought up anything about my past.

Thereís a bit of me that wonders if part of his A was wanting to make up for things heís Ďmissed outí on, but I donít know. I think some men are secure enough to recognise that our pasts are just that, the past. Iím not that same person any more.

DictumVeritas posted 10/8/2020 13:40 PM

Dictum Veritas, what do men prefer? As far as a woman's sexual history goes? That she's never had sex? It's difficult for me to imagine that so many men are that insecure.

Honestly, if a man was to tell the truth the overwhelming majority would prefer a virgin.

Calling honest men insecure, well, I have proven myself very capable of walking away and not needing the validation of a woman. No, insecure is an inept description at best or a badly formulated ad-hominem.

There is really nothing wrong with having principles and standing by them. That does not an insecure man make.

landclark posted 10/8/2020 13:40 PM

My WH never seems to take issue with my past. Luckily he's not one of the apparently many men who sees me as less than because I had sex. He actually was surprised and pleased that I was adventerous. He oddly thought he had to hide his past from me.

Seems like yours is projecting some weird jealousy or insecurity on to you.

TKOGA posted 10/8/2020 13:42 PM

Most men truly prefer that women have never had sex? I cannot wrap my mind around that. It absolutely sounds insecure to me.

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