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Madhatter dilemma

Pages: 1 · 2

Lalagirl posted 9/24/2020 15:47 PM

What other sources can i point him to?

IMHO, you have pointed him to enough sources. He needs to do some shit for himself. I would work on my own healing right now. If he can't do some simple research or start being freaking honest, game over.

I'm sorry. I know you are trying to get him to "get it" - he has to do that for himself.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 3:48 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

secondtime posted 9/24/2020 15:49 PM

A couple of things:
1) If your husband is an addict, there really is no use in engaging him. So, honestly, I just wouldn't. It takes a while to understand that you can't expect an (active) addict to relate like a healthy person. So, you shouldn't expect it, which them means, also, engaging them is meaningless.

2) If you aren't familiar with SA, go to the I Can Relate thread for spouses of SAs. LOTS of great references for you to start educating yourself.

3). See a lawyer, if you haven't already. You want to do separation in such a way that doesn't come to bite you legally.

If your husband is an addict, you cannot manage his sobriety path. Meaning. You don't point him to resources. HE must do the work. He must find them.

And even "doing the work" may not be enough. My husband "did the work." On the surface he was a model WS. However, the work wasn't enough because he didn't address his shame over his behavior and didn't accept that he was an addict.

So. He relapsed. Which shouldn't have been shocking..but it was...for me, because I wrongly assumed doing things like being transparent, seeing a CSAT, working through workbooks, books, etc meant he accepted that he was an addict.

Really, you need to sit back and focus on yourself..and be an impartial observer on your husband's behaviors. Listen closely to what he says. His "good" actions actually could be deceiving.


Mancunianforlife posted 9/24/2020 23:34 PM

@Metallicrainbow

You said in your last thread that after an affair with the coworker, you also had another affair for 2 years that started 3 years ago that your BH still doesn't know about. Have you told him about that?

[This message edited by Mancunianforlife at 11:59 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

Metallicrainbow posted 9/25/2020 05:25 AM

Yes. I have.

tushnurse posted 9/25/2020 09:22 AM

What other sources can i point him to? I've seen that he's downloaded not just friends. And he's searched sex addicts anonymous. But going to the actual classes..I'm not holding my breath.

Not your job at this point. If he wants to make things work he can figure it out himself.

Honestly your relationship is quite toxic. I encourage you to envision what stepping away looks like. I would also encourage you strongly to go get your OWN STD testing. Blood and pelvic ASAP. You cannot trust him to read a book you certainly can't trust him to go have a swab stuck up his wee wee, or a needle in his arm.

Protect yourself.

MIgander posted 9/25/2020 09:48 AM

Hi MR, hang in there!

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink...

You've already led your "horse" to his water, it's his choice to drink.

Have you read or listened to (on youtube) codependent no more? It's something I still struggle with - feeling responsible for soothing my husband when I disappoint him, trying to control his opinion of me, trying to push him into therapy. Instead of a SA, my husband was addicted to material goods and control, all of which I tried (unsuccessfully) to "earn" his love/affection/approval with. It is no-one's job in life to satisfy the cravings of another person. My job wasn't to soothe BH's need for control/material things any more than it was his job to provide me with the approval I craved. In the end, we're responsible for ourselves and trying to control/improve/help others- even trying to change their mind- will make us miserable.

Do you feel satisfied with the work you have done on yourself? Do you feel satisfied with the lengths you have gone to for your marriage? I posted in a few other threads about my job change and how I'm currently satisfied that I've done everything within reason and in my power (and frankly within my own capabilities at this point) to ensure NC with my AP at work. Do you have the same peace with the things you've done for yourself and marriage?

Relationships are like tennis- you can only serve so many balls down the court before your bucket becomes empty.

Mancunianforlife posted 9/25/2020 10:31 AM

@Metallicraibow

But you only referred to the previous PA 6 years ago with a coworker in your first post on this thread. What have you done to address this 2 year affair that was still continuing in Jan.2020? Did you give him all the details of this A? If I am correct it has only been 8 months since Jan.2020. Thats not a lot of time.

Do you think his denial of any culpability from his side due to the fact that he feels he haven't got the whole truth from you?

Buck posted 9/25/2020 11:02 AM

I was thinking what the Manc said myself.

MR, in Jan 2020 you were in an active A trying to figure out whether or not to leave your H and start a "real" relationship with your AP of 2 years? You're worrying about what your H is doing and spying on him while you were in an active A? And you say you've figured out your shit?

It looks like you intentionally left out some relevant tidbits in your opening post. Was that just to get the "you go girl" posts?


Metallicrainbow posted 9/25/2020 13:12 PM

No my intentions were not to seek validation or a you go girl.

I admitted what I've down and work everyday to stay on the right path. What I've done is not a excuse to stay in this either or give him a free pass. I was in heavy fog last year. Its ongoing work everyday. I came because I felt guilt from what I had done from him and felt it required me to forgive and give a free pass. Only it's been multiple times. And to see how I can help him, which I see now, that's all on him. He has a history of this that started long before I went down my paths. I agree this is toxic. But I would like us both to be able to heal even if that means divorcing. What he's doing will likely land him with an STD. We both have testing scheduled.

As of right now he's living in his camper on the property. I'm trying to focus on me and hope he does the same. If anything for the sake of our kids.

The only thing I want to come from this is healthier versions of ourselves. Together or apart.

Carissima posted 9/25/2020 14:01 PM

So why leave out a very recent 2 year affair? I'm sorry but the only reason I can think of is that you think it puts you in a more sympathetic light.
You say you confessed, when was that? You were still in a deep fog at the end of January according to you, so how long did it take to come out of it? Was it during lockdown? When he couldn't get away?
I'm not excusing his behaviour in any way, it's not acceptable in any way and needs to be addressed but to be honest you were calling him out while in an active affair which was hypocritical to say the least.

Mancunianforlife posted 9/25/2020 14:17 PM

No my intentions were not to seek validation or a you go girl.
I admitted what I've down and work everyday to stay on the right path. What I've done is not a excuse to stay in this either or give him a free pass. I was in heavy fog last year. Its ongoing work everyday. I came because I felt guilt from what I had done from him and felt it required me to forgive and give a free pass. Only it's been multiple times. And to see how I can help him, which I see now, that's all on him. He has a history of this that started long before I went down my paths. I agree this is toxic. But I would like us both to be able to heal even if that means divorcing. What he's doing will likely land him with an STD. We both have testing scheduled.

As of right now he's living in his camper on the property. I'm trying to focus on me and hope he does the same. If anything for the sake of our kids.

The only thing I want to come from this is healthier versions of ourselves. Together or apart.

Tbh, you seemed to have very strong feeling for the last AP in Jan.2020. What changed? It seems you completely ignored here what you said earlier. You also said that you have never felt very strong attractions or feelings about your H. You two got together when you reached out to him after your divorce from your previous husband as you felt he was safe and comfortable.

I would imagine that the revelation that you felt all of that for your last AP would have been devastating for your H assuming you were completely honest. I am not saying that you are responsible for his behavior. He owns what he has done. What I am saying is your last A and your feelings made it a very complicated situation and very, very painful for your H if he loved you. And you admitted in your last thread that your H adored you and was very attracted to you. So it must have been devastating for him to find out about your last PA.

But here in this thread I get the impression that you have completely ignored your H's pain. Or rather make no mention of it. Or how you two have been working through it atleast. I understand it's your thread and you want to talk about you.

From how you described your situation last, that would have taken a lot of unpacking from both sides. And 8 months seems a very short time span for that work. May I ask how you two have been dealing with the revelation of your latest PA?

[This message edited by Mancunianforlife at 2:19 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

oldtruck posted 9/27/2020 10:26 AM

At this point you have to do many things. you must be willing
to end the marriage to save the marriage. File and have your
WH served.

Second thing to do is expose him to his parents and siblings.
And to the significant others of his AP's.

When WH complains and asks you to reconsider you set forth
these requirements:

total access to his phone

no social media accounts or apps

answer all of your questions

then polygraph to catch lies and get the parking lot confession

STD tests

he must go to IC.

HellFire posted 9/27/2020 13:15 PM

^^ I agree^^

Don't make any requirements you aren't willing to do as well.

For example, don't require a polygraph, unless you are willing to take one as well.

Carissima posted 9/27/2020 13:43 PM

At this point you have to do many things. you must be willing
to end the marriage to save the marriage. File and have your
WH served.
Second thing to do is expose him to his parents and siblings.
And to the significant others of his AP's.

When WH complains and asks you to reconsider you set forth
these requirements:

total access to his phone

no social media accounts or apps

answer all of your questions

then polygraph to catch lies and get the parking lot confession

STD tests

he must go to IC.

I don't know if you missed the part where it has been revealed the OP was in a LTA of 2 years when she confronted her WH last year and he was dealing with her affair confession and it's aftermath when she confronted him in July and August this year, considering she must have confessed in February or later.

Therefore all your conditions for saving the marriage must surely stand for her as well, exposure to the parents, polygraph etc.

I'm not excusing his behaviour for one second. It's completely unacceptable but so is the hypocrisy of hiding an extremely recent affair and blaming all the issues on one partner.

SI is here to help but you have to be honest.

oldtruck posted 9/27/2020 16:31 PM

carrisma, OP said her WH was not willing to do the work.
I assumed she was/is willing to do the work.

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