Hikingout,
Thank you again for your response! It feels good to hear that I am not alone with “this battle within me” feeling. You seem so aware and content and I can only imagine all the hard work, pain and energy it took from you to get to where you are.
I don't think that I am content, I do think I am more aware now. But, mostly what I think you hear from me is I have developed patience of my struggles over time. I have surrendered to the idea that it's going to take as long as it takes. That's a very hard thing to do early in the journey. I would not have been capable of it for sure. People would say 3-5 years for healing and I thought that sounded like pure torture. But, it's not 3-5 years of total and miserable pain for most of us. But that first year? She's a whopper.
The first month after dday I did not… I did many things wrong out of being completely overwhelmed and simply had no idea what to do - so I continued to follow old habits/ that twisted/ sick way of thinking.
I continued that for months on end.
That covers it so well! Not believing everything I think.. It seems so counterintuitive.. But while I’ve been analyzing my own thoughts and actions, this has been a very interesting concept to me..
Yes, almost everything I did even prior to the affair was skewed. I believed I had to be a certain way for my H to love me. I believed it was him that created my role in our marriage, but it was me. I resented him for my overgiving.
I wonder if this applies to BS as well? Should BS analyze their own thoughts and emotions?
Honestly in the early time they are too traumatized for this. And, I do not think it's their thinking that has them messed up. So, no I don't think it applies. There comes a time if you decide to R there may be changes that you two will have to communicate and make together in your relationship but you are a long time away from that point.
There is a BS here, his name is HoldingTogether. I will completely not say this as well as he did, but he describes a turning point I think we had and he kind of built it off of something BraveSirRobin once said - and that is Your Husband does not need you to pull him off the floor, he needs you to get in the floor with him.
As he elaborated about his wife, I am the type of person who he described. I will go full tilt and work for an "A" in everything. I am a perfectionist, an overachiever. You sound like me and I think this applies to you as well. You need to see that you are both broken. If you do get a chance at R, it will be more helpful for you to work on you and to provide the best environment for your husband. It does mean to help him all you can, but it's actually counterproductive to put yourself in the role of healer.
I’ve read multiple books that described things along that line.. That trauma can happen to us, but a person then must decide how to handle it.. Idk. It is a subject I find very interesting. Self analyzing: (I think I find it interesting because I feel helpless. There seems to be so much how a WS should analyze themselves and that it helps, but would it help a BS too? To look within themselves for reasons of trauma responses?) idk just some wild thoughts that come from a place of wanting to help..
Again, you need to only think in terms of yourself right now. I know you want to help, but it's best you not try and analyze him from your perspective. You can recommend books to him that you are reading as far as generally. "I have been reading this and it's enlightening me about (you can list your own behaviors) Your focus needs to be on you and not how to get him fixed as quickly as you can. Might not be your intent but it will come off as manipulative, and underneath it all it's probably coming from your desire for him to heal enough to take you back. There are so many strings attached to the outcome and that's why it's hard to let go of.
I read “how to help your spouse heal’ right after dday (BS gave it to me), sadly I read it while in panic mode… therefore I did not internalyze it and TT… - I would like to read it again!
I think you should.
However I think I will wait until I am finished with the books I am currently reading and give it a bit more time. After all, I know while it will help teach me how to learn to help my BS with his healing, it would also increase my hope tremendously.. Given that we are in NC and the chances of me ever being allowed or wanted to help my BS heal are very tiny I think if I would read it right now, it may hurt me more than do good. At least right now. But I have thought about reading it a lot! Maybe in a few weeks I will take that on when i finished the books I am currently reading.
It's a quick read, I think you should read it again asap. It's not about hope but if you have further interactions with him it may help you from doing more things that are counter productive.
One audio book that I have been listening to is: The 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey. While some of it is about business, the personal aspects have already deepened my understanding of who I am vs who I want to be and the ability to make changes and to get there very much! Highly recommend this audio book!
I would more recommend Rising Strong by Brene Brown.
I;m glad you pointed the wallowing out for me! I really need and want to get away from that. While I know the bad emotions are there for a reason, I need to stop letting them take over.
We all do it. The hand wringing. The guilt. The regret. The reality of it is that is still making the situation about us. It's not leaving the BS much room. It takes time to get away from it though.
I’ve been going to the gym almost every day and completely exhaust myself,, some days too much. I get home drenched in sweat, take a shower and just cry my eyes out in the shower. Today I couldn't cry anymore so I actually screamed.. The physical exhaustion makes me emotionally raw.. The time after the gym is my most vulnerable time of the day.. That and right after I get up as I am trying to see sense in getting up and going.
Yes. I would sit down by the pond and chainsmoke and write in a journal. Mostly I just stared into space. I am not a smoker btw. I did quit sometime after that first year. I haven't smoked since college. I was a basket case. It's a lot of emotion and energy and you don't know what to do with it. I get it. I don't have any further advice for you, it will settle itself as you work through IC. I was a lone a lot after dday, and I just didn't know how to sit with the pain.
{You can do this, I can see a lot of growth already in what you are saying. But, you have to figure out the picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting to where you need to go. Everything really does depend on that}
- Really do struggle with that. It is basically a core piece of me that I am in the process of changing. Not to base things off of others (including my BS) but to do it myself. My BS is my haven. My home. And I need to learn that it is just not there like that anymore. At least not right now. And while I do not know if he ever will be there again, I must rely on myself only to get back up and dust myself off. I am determined to never give up. To never go down that horrible destructive dark path again.
That is important.
[This message edited by hikingout at 3:29 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]