SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

WhyReally1 posted 8/14/2020 09:25 AM

I am literally sick to my stomach... all the devastation and heartache are back. My WH and I have been together for 20 years. Married for 16 and have a large family. 8 years ago he went on a huge downward path... drinking and could not keep a job... anger towards life in general. We tried R for a year but he was just faking it. It got to the point where I bought a house in a new city.. we sold our house... he did not move with us for about two months... he hit rock bottom and I let him move into the guest room. We had clear boundaries and expectations and he lived up to them... it was still very rocky for another year... with him leaving the house again at my request for like a month... he had started to hide his phone and back to his old behaviors... we have worked hard on us for the last four years and I would say we have been really happy..: no behaviors have been present that make me question him. I received a message from a girl that says she had a baby with my husband who is now 3.5 years old. She says she wants nothing from either of us. She just wanted me to know. She sent me pictures... there is one picture where I see a resemblance but not any others. She said her now husband is raising him as his own. She said she wants no money or contact. She just said if she was me that she would want to know. She sent texts that she saved from wh. In one he said “I do not want any part of this situation. The baby is not mine” she said that she is willing to get a dna test but that she does not need one. I just don’t know how to process any of this... wh says it’s not his... do I let it go... IF it is his and I would have known about it... we would be divorced... now we have reconciled all these years... I don’t know what to think or where to begin....

beenthereinco posted 8/14/2020 09:46 AM

I'm sorry for what has brought you here. This is really a kick in the gut I know. Let's separate out the different aspects of this because it is tangled up with a lot of legal and moral issues related to the child. Those really need to have a lawyer look into for the legal and for the moral your WH needs to look within himself. I would say though that what I think he should do is proactively give up any claim to being this child's father if that is what the mother and father want.

Beyond all of that what you have is an extreme example of trickle truth (TT) here. Your spouse knew about this child all of this time and never told you. There are plenty of examples on these boards of the BS not getting the full truth of the Affair and this is another one. Did you know that your WH was having or had this Affair? Was this during one of the times he was out of the house? Had you established that either or both of you could date during these times or formally filed any separation or divorce papers? Regardless of the classification of this as an Affair or not it is a massive violation of the marriage in my mind to not tell you of this child and the possibility that this very thing could happen some day or even worse than this the mother might ask for support from him.

It speaks to a mindset that would be hard to live with if it were me.

Okokok posted 8/14/2020 10:17 AM

I'm so sorry. I can see that this is your first post. Please be sure to check out the Healing Library on the lefthand side of the page.

If I'm reading you right, you've been down the road of infidelity with your WH in the past with a whole different set of circumstances (and another women/women)? Just want to be clear about it.

do I let it go

That seems impossible to me. I'm sorry. I know you haven't asked for this, but here you are anyway. I'm not saying this isn't something you can overcome, but there will be no "letting it go." There will be work to do no matter what happens from here.

There are people here who have dealt with this sort of situation, and I'm sure eventually they'll be along to help.

There is a thread in the "I Can Relate" forum titled "Dealing with OC that could also be very helpful for you (you can post there, but just reading posts and figuring out who your compatriots are could be a good start).

~

I have no experience with this of course. But the idea of having a DNA test done doesn't seem crazy to me. Of course, it could certainly open up a can of worms.

Is this an affair that you had no idea existed before this woman contacted you?

Again, I'm so sorry you're here. Please take care of yourself in all the ways you can, and definitely keep posting. We are here for you.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:18 AM, August 14th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 8/14/2020 10:27 AM

Such a horrible situation for you.

Since paternity is not established there is no need for a legal meeting. However if the father (your H) is listed on the birth certificate could that be a problem?? I’m not a lawyer and every state has different rules.

He knew and said nothing. Was this during his downward spiral where you were apart? Not that it matters but if he denies paternity in his mind “there is nothing to tell”.

He should have told you the truth. Period. No matter what he thinks or how he justifies it.

WhyReally1 posted 8/14/2020 12:33 PM

I kicked my wh out of the house because I was able to find concrete evidence that he was cheating 8 years ago. I had suspected for some time. It was not with this person. This was a girl I knew he worked with. When I found out he was not faithful... that was a huge issue, but then his treatment of me was horrible... gaslighting and making me feel like I was crazy. He stopped helping with the kids and I would have to arrange care and getting them to school when I had to work... he would not move from the couch to parent. I said the only way we could make it work is if he did a 180. He now is very involved with our kids... equal partner... coaches the kids sports teams, helps with homework, bed time routines....
the only thing we have kept separately is finances and that’s because I refuse to put our $$ together.... I make significantly more than he does... he has no issue with debt... I do... I followed Dave Ramsey’s plan and over 5 years got us debt free... I refuse to go back to 8 years ago when we were in debt up to our eyeballs as he had all the “toys” he wanted and the “perfect” house and “perfect” cars .... when our life was not perfect at all... he now invests in our kids and spoils our kids ridiculously... But he Does not see the need to save as I do...

I know wh is not on the birth certificate. Has never met this child. I have her saying that she does not need a paternity test that “she knows.” “He looks like him” I would think a person say something like... he is the only possibility if that was the case. Wh said that he did have an affair when we loved separate. No we never said that we were separated or talked of divorce. I never dated anyone during that time and had hoped that my wh would stop his ways. But I kicked him out because at the time he was not faithful to me.

Yes, I would like to know but at the same time that could open a whole can of worms... as I said before the money he makes greatly helps our household, but I fear how support would impact our children... it is sooo expensive to just feed our family... we both work, we are on no assistance... every kid is getting braces... I am by no means complaining... just being realistic... paying for braces, preschool, daycare 😳.

No, I did not know about the affair... and what is ripping me apart is that it would have happened in the first year of our reconciliation. I had went early on a family trip because he had to work. He joined us there... she says she was moving and he came over to pick up some stuff he had left there years before and “1 thing led to another” in her words... so the timeline could fit... I only know the month the child was born. Not the day. Or when she was due. When this person messaged me. The name rang a bell as one of the girls he worked with that I had that feeling about... I never met her. She knew about me but she “thought he was going through a divorce and then naively didn’t ask again” again her words.
He knew and said nothing... if he was innocent... why would he not tell me?! I do know that he called her yesterday after I confronted him... why does he still have or know her number?! I will be honest... I don’t go through his phone... he always has his phone out and available and the kids are often going on it to call someone, play a game, look at pictures.. all of our kids know the password. His ringer is always on... his phone is Bluetoothed in the car... no reason for me to think anything wrong is going on... he was furloughed for a few months when COVID happened and he never was away from the family... I know he contacted her because she told me. I asked and he said he called her... she said he called her to ask why she was trying to ruin his family/life... he said he called to tell her to stop lying to me to try to ruin his family..

I will be honest... 1 pic she sent to me made me pause... but it’s so hard because it is a newborn picture... not any other picture makes me think “that’s his kid” but I have a friend who has 2 kids that look just like her and one that looks like her hubby... so who really knows?!

When I say “let it go...”
I don’t mean like just pretend it didn’t happen...
I just don’t know what to do with the 8 million questions going through my head...
If we pursued paternity results... what would we do with that information?! He does not want any part of the kid and says it’s not his... she also does not want him part of his life.
With all the dna test sites I feel sometime down the road if this is true it would all come out...
4 years ago I would have left... what do I do now...
what’s best for me
What’s best for my kids

Chaos posted 8/14/2020 13:03 PM

IMHO - I would contact an attorney that offered a free consultation. That consultation would be well worth your time and give you a lot of insight on where to go from here and what your options would look like.

I question the "why now" motive of the notice on many levels. Luck favors the prepared.

Okokok posted 8/14/2020 13:21 PM

what’s best for me
What’s best for my kids

These are not mutually exclusive FYI.

I *know* it's hard to wrap your head around it all right now, and you don't have to.

But something to put in your back pocket for later: the *best* thing for your kids--the *best* gift you can give them--is the gift of your happiest, healthiest, most authentic self.

There is nothing more important.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/14/2020 14:10 PM

WhyReally- The way that child support typically works (please talk to a lawyer), is that the first women to ask for support, will get the majority of it, and the person coming in second is going to be in second position, and receives a lot less. Again, talk to an attorney about this.

With that said, I think you need to stay alert. This man has time and again betrayed you. He is a known cheater. He has repeated lied to you, including about this other child. He is a man who refuses to own up and take care of potentially his own kid. What makes you think he won't do that to yours? He's already shown you how shitty of a person he can be. Somehow, he just changed? That is a confirmed NO, but he is not stepping up to be a dad to his OC. Whether or not its his, he doesn't even want to know. He is not a man. Definitely not someone that you can trust.

This other lady, she says that she doesn't want his help now, but there are no guarantees that she won't later. What if she separates from her boyfriend? Will she want some help then? You can't know that. You have to prepare and protect you and your children future.

If you want to stay with your WH, (I wouldn't), you can still file for divorce and get the CS instated and still remain together. In the event she comes after you WH later, you will remain in 1st position. That is how I would approach this situation should you want to keep trying with this man who has time and again betrayed you. Otherwise, I'd run.

Buffer posted 8/14/2020 23:49 PM

All I can say is seek legal advice for both the location of birth as well as where you reside. You need to know your legal rights in this mess.
Strength to you. Please do what feels right for you.
IC, medical etc.
One day at a time.
Buffer

nekonamida posted 8/15/2020 00:30 AM

WR, I agree with seeking legal advice just in case. If you don't want to do a paternity test, why not have your WH write out a timeline and take a polygraph test? That way you can feel more certain that he's not hiding any other big secrets from you.

Hopeful30 posted 8/15/2020 12:22 PM

Something else to consider, with all of the DNA ancestry sites available, it would be easy for the child to discover he is not related to his father. It would be better to know now. But get legal advice first. Signing away rights etc and protecting assets and your kids.
A friend of ours found out about another sibling once both parents had passed. The other child applied for inheritance and won

Adlham posted 8/15/2020 15:08 PM

The other thing to consider is that if this woman and her SO split up and she has to go on Medicaid or other types of state financial assistance is that they will require she put down the father's name.

They will go after the father for child support. There will be no choice in the matter.

I am not entirely sure about this next part, so you really need to consult a lawyer, but there is a possibility that the state will go after the father for back child support, too.

That is just way too much uncertainty.

I urge you to talk to na lawyer to protect yourself and your children.

WhyReally1 posted 8/17/2020 08:08 AM

Thank you everyone so much for your support... I have been living in a fog... I did look back and the timeline I had created in my head was thankfully not a possibility... it would have been an 11.5 month pregnancy... I can’t say that this could have not happened... it was over four years ago... WH at first got mad... he has maintained that he is not the father and is willing to get a paternity test. I think consulting a lawyer is going to be my first priority... it just brings back all the hurt.... this weekend we were thankfully able to have a few conversations... it just opens up all the hurt and the thought of the possibility of an OC just my mind is having a hard time working through it all.

NeverTwice posted 8/17/2020 09:42 AM

WhyReally1,

First - I am SO sorry you have found yourself trapped in this situation. Your mind must be pulling you in a million different directions.

But Okokok gave you the very best advice you could get.

But something to put in your back pocket for later: the *best* thing for your kids--the *best* gift you can give them--is the gift of your happiest, healthiest, most authentic self.

There is nothing more important.

And they are 110% correct. There is nothing more important - period.

Please remember to care for yourself. The stress can be overwhelming - I know.

Wishing you the best - please keep us updated? And your support line is always open here.