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When you see someone making a play for a married person ...

emotionalaffair1 posted 8/4/2020 14:45 PM

I worked in my husband's office this summer, the place where he began an EA with a former employee four years ago. None of his employees know about what occurred except his office manager.

One of his long time staff members and I became friendly with one another during my time there, and she started telling me all kinds of stuff about the OW. It was completely unsolicited information as she knew nothing about all that I went through while OW was in the office and I never once asked her about OW.

She told me she couldn't stand OW because she kept trying to take over the office manager's position, which upset the office manager quite a bit. OW also frequently engaged in "disgusting, filthy sex talk" with the other ladies. She also said OW was an arrogant know-it-all.

After, hearing all this, I told her about the flirty texts OW would send H. She was appalled at this, but added it didn't surprise her because of how much OW flirted with H. She said OW flirted with him regularly and frequently tried to engage him in conversation and play. Apparently, OW also put her hands on him regularly - touching his shoulder or his arm or putting her hand on his back as she walked past- letting her hand linger wherever it landed a little too long. She told me H was clearly uncomfortable with the interactions, and at one time he even told her to stop touching him. (I'm assuming this is after I found the texts.)

I'd like to think women look out for other women, but this employee never spoke up and confronted what she saw. I'm not angry at this employee by any means, but it does bother me that she knew OW was acting inappropriately and didn't do anything about it - she never confronted OW or thought to reach out to me to let me know what she was witnessing. She understands the pain of being cheated on as her prior husband cheated on her, so I'm perplexed as to why she never tried to step in.

So, what do you all think? Are we obligated to confront someone who is very obviously coming on to a married person? I know I would do it in a heartbeat, but maybe I'm odd!

landclark posted 8/4/2020 15:37 PM

Are we obligated to confront someone who is very obviously coming on to a married person?

I wouldn't say obligated, but I would personally confront somebody, especially now. I know that people witnessed my WH flirting with at least one woman at work early on in our relationship, and I think people also suspected things with his online AP since he was hiding in conference rooms and such. I have no doubt they also noticed his flirtations with the most recent AP. I wish somebody had the guts to say something to him, and me since we work for the same company.

HFSSC posted 8/4/2020 17:00 PM

Oh absolutely you should say something. It’s basic human decency.

When I first graduated from nursing school there was an OB dr who was constantly flirting with me. I was single, he was hot and never wore a wedding ring. When we had our unit Christmas party he and I were dancing and I probably would have gone home with him. One of my coworkers took me aside and said “Don’t you know he’s married?”

I said I do now. And told him to fuck right off.

This guy... one evening (in the “flirting” stage) was leading through a magazine at the desk one evening. He showed me a lingerie picture and told me it would look good on me.

still pisses me off to this day.

emotionalaffair1 posted 8/4/2020 18:17 PM

This guy... one evening (in the “flirting” stage) was leading through a magazine at the desk one evening. He showed me a lingerie picture and told me it would look good on me.

That's awful. Thing is, I know there are women out there who fall for that junk. Why would anyone want a man like that?

I have no doubt they also noticed his flirtations with the most recent AP. I wish somebody had the guts to say something to him, and me since we work for the same company.

I made a personal commitment to speak up if I ever see something like this happening. I wish someone had done this for me ... it would have saved me months of stress and worry.

HFSSC posted 8/4/2020 18:56 PM


That's awful. Thing is, I know there are women out there who fall for that junk. Why would anyone

At that time I was 21 and had a WHOLE lot of screwed up to work through. My sexuality was so messed up. I didn’t have relationships, I had transactions. And to me at that time, that was a measure of my value. But even then I still had my standards and when I found out he was M, I wanted nothing to do with him.

God, I am so glad I don’t have to live like that anymore.

rugswept posted 8/4/2020 20:02 PM

Advice: turn those kinds of people into HR.

I looked into "a situation" and almost got fired. After that, never again.

I had a person I had known for a long time (and was a good friend) and the word got around that he was hitting on EVERYTHING, 20, 30, 68 YO's, hot, heavier, thinner, single, M.

I found out when there was a very nice happily married woman really upset. Another woman who I knew explained what it was. The woman who explained it to me was aggressively hit on by creep.

The mistake I made was to ask another woman who I could imagine (I knew her quite well) who would be a target of this creep. She stared at me and said: "I'll forget you ever asked me that question". My reaction, OKAAAY.... went silent.

Later the woman I asked (I was trying to assemble a possible list) ended up in court and the creep (my friend) and her had been involved in an at least 6 mos Friday night hookup at one of the local hotels. The woman I asked was also doing one of the VP's as his steady side piece. I had no idea.

I got approached by the VP: have you been asking any questions about certain people here. I said: no sir and never said another thing about anything.

Now I know better. Any company of any size, silently report it to HR and step away and leave it.

My practical advice on these office messes. And, man, I have seen my share of office messes... oh boy ...

Amilliondreams posted 8/5/2020 01:04 AM

Yes!!!!

I lost a friend over this very situation. It was after my ws affair had been uncovered and I was raw. But saw my casual friend who was a much better catch than her husband and who had just had a baby going through it! Her husband was going to strip clubs etc with his friends telling her it was nothing, just where his friends hung out bc someone knew the owner and they got free drinks etc. She was upset and even though she was private about it I could tell there were serious warning signs. Well they pulled away from me at his demand. I thought telling her his behavior was wrong was good enough. Then one day I saw him with his hands all over another woman and I confronted him right there and then. Yelling, telling the woman she was helping him ruin a family and that I would make sure the whole world knew. I wrote my friend a long text telling her what I saw but never heard back.
I dont thinknshe was strong enough at the time to act on it. I hope she did someday.

The1stWife posted 8/5/2020 04:13 AM

I had suspicions a friend’s H was cheating. I didn’t see anything but witnessed an odd conversation that aroused my suspicions.

I knew if I told my friend my suspicions her H would come after me with revengeful behavior. My children would have suffered as well. We would have had to leave our church and friends.

I said nothing. Turns out my suspicions were correct.

Others told her that her H was cheating. She was unable to do anything about it for years. Because her H was that manipulative and mean.

Their D (which she instigated) was horrific. But she survived it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:15 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

LadyG posted 8/5/2020 04:47 AM

I have never felt obligated, I just simply state the fact, ‘he is married, you know that right!’ I said those exact words to a former employee of mine. She quite quickly backed off him.

emotionalaffair1 posted 8/5/2020 10:57 AM

I have never felt obligated, I just simply state the fact, ‘he is married, you know that right!’ I said those exact words to a former employee of mine. She quite quickly backed off him.

I like this. It's quick and to the point! I wish the staff member would have done this with the OW in my situation.

Now I know better. Any company of any size, silently report it to HR and step away and leave it.

My practical advice on these office messes. And, man, I have seen my share of office messes... oh boy ...

This is a great idea; however, it would not work in places where HR doesn't exist. Many small offices with less than 10 employees (like in my H's place), they don't have someone specifically assigned to HR. Besides, people are less likely to report in a small setting if it involves their boss! In my situation, I do think the best approach would have been for the employee to pull OW aside or confront her directly in front of my H by saying, "Your behavior is completely inappropriate. You do know he's married right?"

StrugglingCJ posted 8/6/2020 06:44 AM

I know i would say something to HR.. but would also say something if it were a friend or family member..

Shortly after DDAY I spoke to a mutual friend of both my wife and I and the AP.. Online gaming Friend.. He told me he knew what had happened but did not want to be the one to tell me in case I shot the messenger.. I just told him I wish h we had.. Would have had DDay a year earlier and saved alot of stress.

The truth will always come out.. But those of us who have been betrayed will know that honesty is always best in the long run. Even if the truth really really hurts

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