I just dont know anymore- Vent, numb, angry
Had the final end of relationship conversation with my mother that has been brewing for 8 months of no contact where she all but ignored mine and my children's existence in favor of my sister who had stalked, assaulted and vandalized my home before I got a restraining order- which is the worst thing I could've done according to my bloodline.
Came out to husband "feeding" baby on the bed right outside the door, something he's never done before to, I assume, eavesdrop. It angers me. Everything has to be about him where my family is concerned. I'm sick of it. I'm literally in soul crushing pain and simultaneous numbness at once and he doesn't offer time or comfort or anything other than a desire to hear the gossip. He's been happily waiting for this day for a long time. No more inlaws. I'm well and truly alone save for him and the girls. His codependent nature needed me to be fully reliant on him. He shows attitude to me immediately for being upset with him for eavesdropping and continues to stomp around and give attitude because it's more important for him to be acknowledged and turned to immediately than for me to feel the actual death pain and loss I was feeling. What an ass. I'm so disgusted by his true selfishness. And I do not have to be bound solely to him- the fool. I have apparently no problem ending relationships with people close to me. I'm getting pretty damn good at it. I dont need someone else. I need me. I need my kids. I could use some support but I don't need his fucking guilttrip selfish shit attached to it. So at bedtime he says do I want to talk. I say no. He asks again and says why not and I say I don't know my own emotions yet and I don't need yours too. I go to bathroom and come back and he starts in again but in a slightly different way. Do you think it's a problem that you don't want to talk to me but you can talk to other people?
Oh yeah let's talk about that again. So I texted my friend who has empathy to my family situ because she has been dealing with similar avenues. She offers me the comfort he didn't and the constructive comments I want without putting any shit on me. So how does he know all that? Yep back to another notch in the "he's obviously got a bug on my phone" which is a constant point of resentment to me and he has said time and time again he doesn't and I think I really hate him for that. Gaslighting me again. There is no safety here. This relationship is a farce. I dont have family anymore I abandoned them to stick with this failing farce and I deserve to pay the price I guess. Misery for me, no doubt mental and emotional abuse and unhappiness.
And when I state all this to him he gaslight again. Gives a total bs excuse of he wanted the baby to have an undistracted eating environment. Bull. He was upset because I didn't come downstairs or eat dinner. Bull. All deflecting mistruths because he can't acknowledge his selfish flaws. Ironic considering I had just detailed similar flaws to my mother about herself as I had begged her to just acknowledge her abuse to me. And yet here I am married to another perpetual liar who can't accept their own blame. So after alot of back and forth and me saying he just says, " you have problems " to me.
Yes asshole. I have an inconsiderate husband who fucked up my whole life with his fucking affair which in turn brought about everything I hate about myself and him - but shithead can't even give me 5 fucking minutes to absorb that I no longer have my mother in my life.
You have problems. End of convo. Goodnight. This is my life.
9 comments posted: Wednesday, January 12th, 2022
I just dont know anymore- Vent, numb, angry (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Tuesday, January 11th, 2022
Backslide... warning too much information
Been awhile since I posted.
I'm a madhatter in reconciliation since 2019. My spouse had a 6 month long affair with his coworker right after I gave birth to my 2nd and I was experiencing postpartum. I had a revenge affair to " show him" he couldn't just get away with it and to show myself I could leave him. He became extremely remorseful and we stayed together and worked on it each since.
A couple weeks ago my affair partner messaged me out of the blue and I answered. I knew his intention was to see if I would sleep with him again but for those few minutes I felt flattered that after years I was even passingly on his mind and I entertained I for a moment. I felt guilty almost instantly but at the same time felt good if that makes sense. Almost instantly my husband started questioning me on whether I was talking to him (which is insane because I don't think I even had a moment to behave any differently.) I answered his questions honestly and held nothing back - and felt angry while doing so. It wasn't easy but I put on my big girl pants and did it. Why couldn't he have done this? For so many questions back then his answers were "I don't remember. Really that's not how my brain works." And that was it I had to accept it because it was all he was capable of. Even our counselor repeatedly agreed it was all he could do. As an aside, I am now positive he has some type of monitoring on my phone unbeknownst to me even though he swears he doesn't. I may be wrong but I don't believe in coincidence.
Now to last night, we had sex. Sex is great, until it's not. He doesn't come inside me. I've literally asked him for a vasectomy for years because I needed to get off birth control and he refuses. Finally after my last baby was born last year I said no more sex until he got a vasectomy. He just seduced me and stopped coming inside me. It feels,distant and incomplete- a lot of cleanup and separation instead of cuddling but I guess I just got used to it until recently when I was triggered. He pulls out to come on me and it just feels so dirty, incomplete and impersonal now- like this is what you do with an affair partner not your wife. He's really just ok never coming inside again, really? I thought sex was all about losing yourself and if he's always in control enough to remember to pull out then is he not emotionally involved? I mentioned this to him and he says it's not like that, it's not an affair partner thing to come on someone, he used to come inside her (as if that was to dispute my point.) Well that was interesting and terrible. He never "remembered " or said that before. He then said it was OK because she told him he could and that she couldn't get pregnant. Wow what lovely detail you can recall years later that you couldn't back then. It doesn't change where we are now but I just feel off and disgruntled today, bothered. I dont believe him when he says how much he loves me, and I turn him on and how everything with me is soo much better blah blah blah. I'm sure it is to some minor degree but I believe any body would do for him.
48 comments posted: Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021
Question-what would you do?
Just started letting terrible mother in law back in to spend time with my 6 and 4 year old this past February. Its been going well. Little by little I've given them more berth to have their own relationship without me watching them all the time. They must stay at my home, she cannot take them on walks etc. She comes as much as she likes along as she asks in advance. It's been 2-3 times a week for a few hours each time. Mild irritations like she makes a huge mess with them in the playroom and leaves it like that, or she just leaves the front door wide open letting bugs in and ac out for 5 minutes at a time as she goes in and out, or she spills paint or juice and does tell us and doesn't clean it up- have all been gently addressed.
Now today. The kids want to go swimming because she brought her bathing suit. I say yes and very sternly say to the kids and her that the pool robot is in. Do not touch it. Do not pull on cord, do not play with it. Mind you, my husband and I go swimming with the kids and the robot in all the time and there has not once been a problem other than me reminding the kids not to step on robot. Today I put the baby to sleep and go to check on them and I see the control panel in the pool. Its like dropping your laptop in water. Im furious, and she just says, oh the kids knocked it in a few times and that's it. No I'm sorry, no I should've watched them better around it, no if it's broken ill take care of it - nothing. Its the same level of conversation as if she was talking about something on tv. The unit is running currently but it says everywhere not to get control panel wet so I figure it's only a matter of time. I want to tell her if it breaks I expect her to pay for it,my husband doesn't want to say anything unless it breaks. But I feel like her response will be "it was working when I left. And your kids did it not me."
One of the reasons for our initial fallout was money. Her husband, who we don't speak to at all, owed us a significant amount of money - 10000- that he "gifted" to us for our wedding but never paid. By the way they have money. It's just about power for them.
Robot costs roughly 1000 plus tax.
[This message edited by Amilliondreams at 5:24 PM, June 24th (Thursday)]
3 comments posted: Thursday, June 24th, 2021
The pod I was born into
I've written about them before. A seemingly good suburban happy family. But behind closed doors is such extreme toxicity. I am pleased to say that I no longer live in their grasps. As a quick recap after my husbands affair we sold the house and moved into my parents house because I thought it was to be short lived. Mother got very ill and it became 2.5 years because I didn't want to leave her to the vipers (my adult failure to launch sisters) who after moving in, I saw to be highly abusive.
Those vipers subjected my family (my husband, myself and my 2 daughters) to varying levels of abuse and it finally escalated to December of 2019 buying a home to escape after we had been there just over a year. Great right? Then came covid. Lockdown, no plans, permitting or construction. And oh yeah I got pregnant then too, so high stress all around. It wasn't until October 2020 we moved into our home not far from my parents- even though it was still far from complete. During my pregnancy I had to call the police on my 33 yr old sister for physical attacks, breaking into my rooms and ransacking the place and blatant menace and intimidation. Threats of poisoning my food, keying of my minivan and spitting in my husbands face. All through this, we begged my parents, as the homeowners, to intercede even if just for the sake of my pregnancy or my 2 young daughters. They didn't want to do anything and blatantly asked me to just ride it out until I left. As though I was the problem.
Sooo, moved out and feel free. Until my house starts getting egged. We install cameras and catch my sister with her 25 yr old boyfriend of 2 weeks she met online and has been staying nonstop with her at parents house.
I called the police again and got an order of protection. And because I called the police, I am the villain to the pod I was born into. They all very aggressively told me that I'm right but it doesn't make me right. That I'm just going for the jugular and she could potentially lose custody of her son if she got arrested.
First of all, I'm not responsible for her actions. Second of all because our legal system is retarded, she will only get arrested if she continues to get caught harrassing me or my family after the sheriff's department served her the order of protection.
But none of that takes the sting from the fact that my eldest sister who has 2 teenage children has turned her back on me in defense of my you ger sister, my parents both have not talked to me in the month since other than to superficially ask me for advice with their problems, etc. My other sister is 100% behind the youngest and my 2 brothers I've already dropped from my life for varying degrees of abuse in my youth- and to which my family also turned away from me. Similar explanation "I'm in the right, but im not right." Family is forever and you keep problems behind closed doors. I dont believe or adhere to that. Right is right, and wrong is wrong and the rules don't change based upon address is what 8 believe.
Oh, and what really turned me off from my parents is that after initially throwing my sisters boyfriend out of their house for his part in the harassment, within 6 days they allowed him to return to their house, rent free to appease their daughter-my abusive sister. This boy has zero history with them but they've allowed him more privilege, interaction and entry than me or my family. I made a resolve to not call my parents at all moving forward.
So now after a month of not one person calling to express support, concern or even to inquire or speak to my kids- my phone rings 5x from my parents house. I did not answer any. I can only assume that now it's important that they see the grandkids because it's Easter and in their superficial brains they need to give the kids baskets. Well for the first time in my life I did not just drop everything for my parents and it is stressful. I hate seeing my phone light up with that number and knowing I am too angry to talk to them. They have no care for me, what I've been through, what my family has been through- but now they want to call.
4 comments posted: Friday, April 2nd, 2021
Sometimes its just hard, even when its fine
I'm unpacking boxes and I've left the boxes labeled pictures/framed to the side. I know whats in them. 3 years ago I found out about his affair that took place 3.5 years ago. 3 years ago I felt so suffocated and drowning in a "house built on lies" that I couldn't bear to live in my home and we sold it promptly. 3 years ago my youngest was turning 1 and I had taken a swarm of pictures and had just completed a photo wall of framed large prints of our "perfect" family during the whole time he was actively engaging in an affair. Every smile in those pictures still angers me. Every happy posed image screams fuck you to me. I packed those pictures away too angry to see them and still too confused to get rid of them.
Now 3 years later I am unpacking them in our new home, our different life with a new baby. The pictures still hurt and they feel wrong anyway. I dont have 2 kids, I have 3 now. I dont want to exclude my baby from my wall of photos. And even though my babies are sweet to reminisce to, I still can't separate from all the emotion from back then.
Those pictures have stayed unpacked stacked in the corner for a week. When I first opened the boxes my husband knew I was upset and immediately just said sorry. To which I looked at him and said, "I just want to unapologetically punch you. Hard. In the face." He asked if that would make me feel better and i said maybe just a little bit,, but not enough to cover the guilt id feel for hurting you after."
Today I gave up and started removing any family ones from the frames and rolled them up. Maybe someday, maybe not. More like they will stay in a box until my kids are old enough to take them with them when they are grown and move. It can be their memories.
I am going to put pictures of all 3 of my girls from this year and order large scale prints and display those. If I still have anger because of the frames, then those will go at that time.
There will be no photos with all 5 of us though. I still don't like to see images with him and I together in them. I take them with my kids and I or him and the kids. There are a few running around but im not ordering them.
He has actually been quite all around considerate for a while now. He has his moments but mostly he is what anyone would pray for. He works ft, cooks, tries to clean somewhat even if he is horrible at it, takes the kids alot and its ...fine. He is an OK little worker bee, but has zero initiative and that makes him a 4th kid that I have to tell what to do. And he just doesn't understand. Im in ic . Im sure eventually I will get to a ace where I dont harbor so much ambivalence towards him but im just not there yet, and those damn pictures can't be in my awareness until I do.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, January 19th, 2021
Communication sinking, no sex and resentment building
I feel friction just bubbling up. We have short fuses with each other. I find mental fault with everything he does.
We are having the hardest time fixing our home, shoddy contractors, hardass inspectors, ...its the money pit. Add that to a newborn and virtual education for my 5 year old-which means every 20 minutes I have to log her in because they have different codes for each class, complaints from Her teacher that she's not paying attention to which im thinking "i don't blame her, its painfully boring." Add a 3 year old to the mix thats acting out to gain attention. Thats not even counting exterior turmoil from extended family and holidays. Theres alot to be stressed about. But he's back to not talking- afraid ill attack him. And I'm resenting everything he DOESN'T do. He expects me to speak to all the contractors. He complains to me incessantly and expects me to go be the mouthpiece. Sure, you sprout breasts and nurse the baby and ill take care of everything.
I tell him I believe he's being lazy, that I need more from him and he shuts down, says he's doing everything he can. I hear it and I think , maybe its true and im both saddened and resentful that so much extra has to fall on my shoulders because he just might be incapable.
He will do 80% of what I tell him to is i list it out. Of that remaining 20% he'll do another 10% of it upon me repeating myself. He's an OK worker bee. Not a partner. Never does he think of what needs to be done on his own and I am again back to feeling like his mother.
There is NO SEX. I do not want to have more children and birth control has reaked havoc on me in the past. I told him months ago that I want him to get a vasectomy, he jokingly entertained that idea for while, but after i gave birth and brought it up again,
he said no. I said then no sex and so its remained.
I go to ic again. He doesn't. And I still feel so overwhelmed and very very resentful towards him.
[This message edited by Amilliondreams at 8:31 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]
11 comments posted: Tuesday, December 15th, 2020
Would you/could you come clean knowing it would end?
I didn't have this particular struggle. Neither would anyone who was caught before they had that mental struggle.
But hypothetically... let's talk about a second affair happening post dday. Would you tell your spouse? Especially if you strongly suspected that it would be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage?
19 comments posted: Friday, March 27th, 2020