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Do people really not know why they truly had an affair?

somanyemotions posted 8/2/2020 02:01 AM

I thought my partner wanted a life with me, that's why we decided to start our family. But while we were trying to get pregnant, he started his affair. He said all he wanted was a family with me but once I got pregnant did that stop him from continuing his affair? No it didn't. In fact, it only got worse. I hate that I have so much hatred and love for him at the same time. He said he cheated because he was bored and lonely. Is that really it or should he dig deeper? he refused to get a job because he didn't want to work for anybody, and no place would pay him what he thinks he deserves. I told him that working for somebody is beneath you but having an affair isn't? He just said that he won't work for somebody who won't value or pay him what he deserves. So I guess an affair is right in line with what he deserves? I asked him if he was so lonely why didn't he message me or come see me instead of making this easy whore his priority. If he wanted me and our family so bad, why did he make us second? His response, he doesn't know why. Is that really an answer?? I was bored and lonely and I didn't choose my girlfriend I chose an easy whore instead. He says his brain doesn't remember what he was thinking back then. He says he told me his reasons for his infidelity but he doesn't dig any deeper. He told me he's sorry he has a retarded mind. I told him he's not retarded, he knew to lie to me and her to make his affair last. I feel like he's not taking responsibility for his actions at all. He doesn't know why he didn't go get a job or reach out to me when he was feeling lonely so he chose an affair instead? I don't feel like these are safe answers in reconciliation. I love him and I know he's made changes in his life, but his mental state and ways of seeing things I believe are still fucked up. A lot of times his answer is "I don't know" "I wasn't in the right state of mind back then I don't know what I was thinking". I would ask if this is an answer I should just live with but in my gut, head, and heart it's not an answer I can live with. I feel like I'm trying to reconcile, he claims he is but when the affair gets brought up he gives me no answers and no empathy. I feel like he wants me to pretend it didn't happen or doesn't affect me like it does in order for us to reconcile.
He swears he understands reconciliation means honesty, truth and healing through the affair but I'm not getting that from him. I feel like I hate him so much for doing this to me, to us and most importantly to our family. Our little baby girl deserves us reconciling but if he keeps this up then I don't think reconciliation is possible. In fact I know its not. His affair killed me and his I don't knows dig that knife a little deeper into my heart. I thought we made the decision to reconcile but I don't know if this is truly it.

Unhinged posted 8/2/2020 09:21 AM

I don't feel like these are safe answers in reconciliation.
I don't blame you as I'd imagine I'd feel the same way.

His answers are excuses, not reasons. As a caveat, btw, I'll add that there is no justification for infidelity so there are no "good" reasons.

There are, however, causes. In the most basic sense, people cheat because they are broken people. They have unresolved issues generally stemming from childhood (FOO shit). My FWW, for instance, has struggled her entire life with abandonment issues and codependency (although she had no idea how those issues were affecting her behavior until she blew-up her life).

...what he thinks he deserves.
A profound sense of entitlement is quite common, it seems to me, among wayward spouses. Where does that profound sense of entitlement (and selfishness) come from? Why does he think it's normal? Why does he think that justifies infidelity?

So yeah... he's going to have to dig a lot deeper and unlearn some untruths about himself.

I feel like he wants me to pretend it didn't happen or doesn't affect me like it does in order for us to reconcile.
I cannot speak to any reliable statistics (or even know if they exist) regarding how many WSs are capable and willing to do the work that reconciliation requires. My impression is that few are capable and even fewer willing to own and fix their shit. I'm sure it's not easy.

His affair killed me...
I sure hope this is just a bit of hyperbole. I understand, of course, how you're feeling (been there and done that, you know?). Surviving infidelity and all the traumas that go with it has been the most challenging and painful chapter of my life.

You'll get through it, somanyemotions. Step-back and detach from your wayward partner. Watch and observe what he does with the opportunity you've given him. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

Carissima posted 8/2/2020 09:36 AM

I'm sorry but is he independently wealthy? I don't understand why you would choose to have a baby with a man who you know would actively choose not to support his family. That was wayward thinking right there, that he was too good for any prospective employers. Has he changed in that respect at least? Why did you accept it?
Honestly, I think some cheaters do it because they can. I think it makes us BS feel better if there's a 'big' why but often it's just opportunity.

Oldwounds posted 8/2/2020 10:41 AM

I don't feel like these are safe answers in reconciliation.

And you're absolutely right.

Tell him his answers don't make you feel safe.

Tell him R is impossible UNTIL you feel safe.

He broke it, he has to dig down to fix it. If all it takes is boredom for him to break his vows, how can you possibly work with that?

He has to figure why he needs validation from strangers. What's he doing to repair his shitty self-esteem? Are his boundaries stronger than during the A?

We all can feel lonely during marriage, but not all of us choose to cheat. He has to work on accepting complete responsibility for his choice.

R is only ever possible with two people going all in, until he understands that, I fear you don't have a safe partner to work with.

susielee posted 8/2/2020 10:56 AM

"Honestly, I think some cheaters do it because they can. I think it makes us BS feel better if there's a 'big' why but often it's just opportunity."


And because they think they are entitled. This guy thinks he is entitled to not work, and I assume let someone else support him while he has his women on the side. He certainly is not entitled to that, for for now he has no reason to think otherwise.

You deserve better. I wish you better.

HellFire posted 8/2/2020 11:13 AM

I'm sure there are more in-depth reasons, but mainly because they're selfish,feel entitled, and think they're smart enough that they won't get caught.

Rideitout posted 8/2/2020 11:17 AM

Honestly, I think some cheaters do it because they can. I think it makes us BS feel better if there's a 'big' why but often it's just opportunity.

This so much better describes basically "all" the male cheats I know IRL. It's not some "deep issue" or some profound wound from childhood. It's just greed and gluttony, they can and they do. Sex is fun, orgasms are great, why not have more of them? It really is very simple "why". The real question isn't "why" it's "why didn't you think about the consequences" and how you'd hurt other people.

Also, opportunity plays a big role too. I don't talk about them much, but I have a lot of other friends who don't (or at least have never told me) cheat. A lot of that comes down to having a lot less opportunity to do so than my other group (people I work with). The men I work with are wealthy, they travel a whole lot (well, used to), they make a living selling, so they are really good "spinning a tale" and "selling something by putting in the best light". Simply put, they have a lot more chances to cheat than most, and many of them take advantage of that to do exactly that.

standinghere posted 8/3/2020 03:46 AM

His response, he doesn't know why. Is that really an answer??

No, it is not an answer. It is an avoidance maneuver to get around facing the "why" of the behavior.

The real answer takes a lot of digging.

Instead of asking "why", which is what I asked many times and got absolutely meaningless answers to, ask "How could you come to a point where you would do X, Y, and Z, to me and us and where did that behavior come from in your psychological makeup?

The WS has to dig, dig, and dig some more.

The1stWife posted 8/3/2020 07:38 AM

Our little baby girl deserves us reconciling

No she doesn’t. Your beautiful child deserves two emotionally stable parents that love her and put her well-being first.

If you cannot live together b/c Reconciliation is a failure, then you need to accept that. Living in a toxic household Or environment is not better than being shared by two parents in two separate households.

As an aside on Seinfeld George Costanza makes the Observation that “he’s the product of my parents having stayed together”. He’s got issues - relationship issues, selfish tendencies etc. and it’s funny on TV. But his parents did nothing but fight and argue and ridicule him as a child. Not a healthy way to grow up.

Do not be unwilling to re-think your decision to R if you do not believe the marriage works for you. If he’s not remorseful and not making amends or giving you the comfort and security you need, you may need to look at your commitment to R again.

BlackRaven posted 8/3/2020 07:57 AM

It sounds like your partner is an immature man-child. He’s unable to work cause he doesn’t get to be captain of the team, or he doesn’t like the rules of the game or the colors of the uniform.

He’s bored but won’t own that and create his own life so he steps out with someone else, and he sees you pregnant and is unable to cope with the responsibility of being an adult - not financially, not romantically and not emotionally.

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying very hard to understand his behavior, or really to grow up. I know this is harsh, but you do you want one child in your life, or two?

ChamomileTea posted 8/3/2020 17:30 PM

... he refused to get a job because he didn't want to work for anybody, and no place would pay him what he thinks he deserves. I told him that working for somebody is beneath you but having an affair isn't? He just said that he won't work for somebody who won't value or pay him what he deserves. So I guess an affair is right in line with what he deserves?

That's ENTITLEMENT. And without extensive and effective therapy to make REAL change in his defective character, he's unlikely to change.

I'm so sorry.

Evertrying posted 8/3/2020 17:37 PM

I personally think my WH had his A purely out of anger. He was sooooo mad at me that he did it to say "Look what I can do. I am so mad at you but can't communicate how I feel so I cheated".

In his eyes, it was his revenge.

Though I didn't cheat on him, he felt CHEATED in other ways.

In my opinion, most waywards answer with "I don't know" because deep down they know there isn't an acceptable answer. No reason is a good reason to have an A, and any "why" they give you is going to sound ridiculous because it is. If you are angry, talk to your spouse. If you feel unloved, uncared for, un-whatever, talk first and if you can't work it out, get out of the relationship - DON'T CHEAT.

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