Ascott58 posted 8/1/2020 21:33 PM

For the couples that have R. How did you as a BS forgive your WS? How long did it take? Did you tell your WS you forgive them or was it something you did for yourself? Did u have a ceremony to show that person you were forgiving them?

fareast posted 8/1/2020 22:02 PM

For us, it was never a matter of forgiveness. I never saw forgiving her as a prerequisite, and she never verbalized needing forgiveness. What we did need, and took almost two years to get there, was ACCEPTANCE that it happened and would always be part of our history. Getting to acceptance was hard, for both of us. It required her to face that she was truly a person capable of infidelity, and for me to deal with accepting that my W cheated and I could attempt R without feeling like I let myself down. It has been decades since we started on the path to R. Forgiveness has never been talked about. Acknowledging that her infidelity is still a fading scar on the body of our M is still something we do. But it pales and fades in the face of so many new memories made over the years. It’s all in your perspective I guess.

folio44 posted 8/2/2020 04:26 AM

Agree with above fareast, acceptance of the facts is key.
Nothing can be erased as far as all the lies and deceit, they happened.

I can forgive an honest mistake but not a conscious decision to hurt a person.

people say "I never meant to hurt you" which is so false, so fake.

veryhurt2018 posted 8/2/2020 08:18 AM

It's been a little over 2 years for me and I haven't forgiven WH yet. I feel like he destroyed me and changed my entire memory of our marriage so I don't think I'll ever really forgive him. I have (finally) accepted it, which took me about 2 years.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 8/2/2020 09:01 AM

We just passed our 6th antiversary...and I forgave my H within that 1st week after Dday . I didn't forget what happened...but I did show him mercy...which helped BOTH of us to start healing .

fareast is a very wise person and I have always LOVED his posts . From MY perspective...acceptance was a word I never liked. To ME...adapting is a much better way to describe what we did . Adaptations happen all the time...just like our M!

Unhinged posted 8/2/2020 09:45 AM

After a few years, I finally realized that there was no way on this Earth that my FWW could ever remit the debt she owes for what she put me through (and herself) and what she did to our relationship. Now, that left me with only two ways forward. I could either release her or the debt. In other words, I could either get a divorce--because, let's face it, infidelity is a deal-breaker--or find a way to build a new relationship and offer her the chance to reconcile with me.

It's not a clear-cut, one-and-done choice, unfortunately. It has been and continues to be a choice I make every day (yes, even over five years later).

Don't worry too much about forgiveness right now. Why put all of that pressure upon yourself? Focus on you, your recovery and healing. You're just beginning a very long and painful journey upon a very uncertain road.

Perhaps, one day, you'll realize, as many of us do, that forgiveness really is about us, for our own sake and peace of mind (heart and soul), letting go of the millstone, a debt that can never be repaid.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:46 AM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

Oldwounds posted 8/2/2020 10:33 AM

I forgave my wife fairly early on during our recovery.

It didn't mean that I'm good with what happened. It's perfectly acceptable to never approve of being traumatized by infidelity.

Forgiveness to me meant that I wasn't going to resent her until the end of time, or let her actions define me as a lifelong victim.

Ditching the resentment opened the door for rebuilding the relationship -- but it takes some time to determine if the relationship is worth that effort.

fareast posted 8/2/2020 11:23 AM

Slight t/j:

Thanks W2BHA! Right back at you! I can “accept” ADAPTING.😎. It works!

sisoon posted 8/2/2020 12:39 PM

I did some sort of forgiveness within minutes of my W's revelation. Perhaps it was self-forgiveness - after that, every time I thought, 'How could she do this tom? Why did this happen to me,' I stopped the self-pity with, 'Can't go there, I forgave.'

I see forgiveness as 'giving up all hope for revenge or for seeing someone punished (through minimal or no action of my own).'

That was never a goal, and I never expected to feel that type of forgiveness.

After seeing my W work for R for 3.5-4 years, I woke up one morning and noticed that I had forgiven her by my standard. For me, it was a non-event.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:39 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

standinghere posted 8/3/2020 03:51 AM

It can be easy to forgive someone that you love.

Yet, it can still be impossible to reconcile with them.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

The1stWife posted 8/3/2020 07:42 AM

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

So true!!

At first I accepted it. That was all I could do. Years after Dday2 I truly forgave.