This will not be popular, and I will echo many of the comments about your WW still not working as she should. But you can't control that. This you can.
I'm going to go out on a limb and address the big massive elephant in your comment. But first it's funny you wrote this, as I think the same thing and I'm a BS:
She expressed that she understood how impactful it was, but then followed up with 'well how much time do you think it will take? a year from now? 5 years from now?' I think she wants an end date for the impact of her affair on our relationship. What the hell?
I am almost 3 years out from d-day1 (3 long fucking years) and I want an end date for the impact of my WH's affair on our relationship (or my life)...badly. So I can't fault a WS for feeling the same way I do. I really found myself ruminating on things, and now that I am that far out, and not in R, I feel like it was too long, and that SI for all of its good advice and life-boat qualities, helped me stay stuck in that mindset. Whether you feel that way or not, it does help to take a minute and say to yourself (or better yet, to her): "I want this to stop being a part of our life, so I get where you are coming from. The fact is, I can wish all I want, but it's not going to happen for me right now, and maybe not ever."
Now for the elephant...
The reason why your wife is upset is because she thinks you are punishing her - but in fact you aren't telling her the truth about what you are thinking. You aren't communicating with her and giving HER the agency she needs to make a decision about how to move forward with your marriage. If you are in R, she gets that agency for decision making too, or she should at least be told that you aren't willing to share with her right now. If you are in R, or trying to, and you are a valid participant in trying to reconstruct your marriage, it is not fair of you to leave your wife with the wrong impression about what you are thinking - otherwise you are just punishing her - and sorry, but if you are trying to R then punishment isn't constructive.
After reading your comment, I think you need to say something along the lines of this to your WS:
"I'm not getting a vasectomy now because I don't know what is going to happen with you. If things fell apart in our marriage and I met someone who really wanted kids there is flexibility there."
I think that at 3 years out you need to be having those conversations - you only have 1 life as far as I know - so don't waste any more of it. It is clear that the A IS still intervening on your decision making and it sucks, but if you want you and your wife to be able to move forward, you have to, at some point, tell her what the holdup is.
The fact is that you don't want the vasectomy because, at least in part, because you are worried that things won't work out with your wife. In other words:
you are keeping your options open
Ouch. Yeah. That hurts anyone. But it's the truth. And the truth is what is preached around here, and I think as a BS we forget that some of that lies with us too.
Right now she thinks you are punishing her - and she's wrong. She has no clue what is really going on in your head. Because you aren't telling her. And if you want to stay married to this person, or even if you don't, or you aren't 100% sure, then they deserve to know that.
The fact is, she cheated. The other fact is, you decided to stick around. That means you are participating in the marriage, and as we've learned around her, keeping shit to yourself, holding it in, generally doesn't help. You don't have to say it in as harsh a manner as I said it but you get the picture.
I also know being 2.5 years out myself, that this shit is terribly hard. I would indeed like it to disappear. If only...
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:25 AM, July 29th (Wednesday)]