SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

This0is0Fine posted 7/30/2020 12:03 PM

If you don't want more kids why would you want a (potential) relationship with a woman that wants more kids? Just to have more options of women that aren't fundamentally compatible with your life goals?

Should be an instant deal breaker.

standinghere posted 8/1/2020 02:31 AM

So I'm a little over 3 years since D-day.

That's pretty damn close. I suspect she's thinking that it might cement you closer to her and reduce the potential you might leave and start another family.

Just from my end, had I found out about my wife's affair prior to having had my vasectomy, there would be no way in hell I'd have had one afterward.

As it turns out, I had already had mine around a year prior to her affair, and my wife went on to have an affair with a man who not only hadn't had one, but she had unprotected sex with him as well, while not taking birth control either.

So, had we not reconciled, had she left me, at roughly your same age, they could have gone on to have children, but I would not have been able to do so with someone else.

So, you wife could still leave you, and then you might meet someone who is much younger, and who wants children...yeah, you could have a reversal but they don't always work and they are expensive.

This after a 4 year affair!

well how much time do you think it will take

Perhaps you should tell her "until I am sure you won't spend 4 years fucking someone else outside our marriage again".

Buster123 posted 8/1/2020 03:13 AM

She had a 4 year LTA that at the time was half the time of your M and wants you to get over it already, really !!! tell her a 4 year betrayal with THOUSANDS of lies in the mix while playing russian roulette with your health by exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs WILL have a LIFETIME effect in your life and relationship with her, that the M will NEVER be the same, she killed the innocence of the M and destroyed you, it's only been 3 years so her A was a year longer, if she asks again tell her that your guesstimate is about 5 times the length of her A which is 20 years minus 3, she still has another 17 years to go and watch her reaction.

She's still wayward and not fully remorseful (if any at all), after a 4 year LTA she should still be counting her blessings that she's even allowed to talk to you instead of putting pressure and getting an attitude about such a personal decision considering her huge betrayal.

BTW I'm just curious have you ever asked her if she ever pressured her AP to a vasectomy while she had unprotected sex with him for 4 years ? Did she ever get pregnant with POSOM's child and had an abortion ? have you polygraphed her on any of this ?

standinghere posted 8/3/2020 02:59 AM

if she ever pressured her AP to a vasectomy while she had unprotected sex with him

I wish I had thought to ask that question, all those years ago.

Amilliondreams posted 8/5/2020 01:33 AM

I keep coming back to your first statement that you would have originally had no problem with a vasectomy and cant come off that. It seems vindictive now. If you wouldve done it before the reasons are still the same. No more kids at your age, they're expensive, to have another one would be to take time energy and resources from your existing ones and is that fair to them?
HEALTHWISE it is also not healthy for her to keep an iud in longterm. My iud wreaked all sorts of havoc on my body that I wasn't even really aware of. And may still not be aware of.
I am pregnant now and have asked my former ws to get a vasectomy. I fully expect him to. For my health, for the health of our family. Reconciliation was your choice. Your commitment. You don't get to hold this potential exit strategy over her head. You're in it or out of it. And since you've said you're in then make the right choice for your family, not for you. Selfish choices is what led to infidelity in the first place. You are not a newbie you don't get the luxury of selfish at this point.

ramius posted 8/5/2020 02:46 AM

Your sperm, your choice.

DragnHeart posted 8/5/2020 16:27 PM

You are not a newbie you don't get the luxury of selfish at this point.

I disagree. His ability to choose what happens to his own body isnt selfish. It's his right.

If you are questioning whether or not to do it I'd say you're not ready to take that leap. AMD that's perfectly ok.

prissy4lyfe posted 8/5/2020 18:50 PM

I'm a woman...

His wife has EVERY DAMN RIGHT....to get her tubes tied.

Just stop it. Equality...is equality.

If she doesn't want more kids she has numerous options to make sure that it doesn't happen.

It's bullshit to guilt him into doing something he doesn't want to do with his body. No one is stopping her from exercising autonomy over her own body.

blahblahblahe posted 8/5/2020 21:38 PM

Reconciliation was your choice. Your commitment. You don't get to hold this potential exit strategy over her head. You're in it or out of it. And since you've said you're in then make the right choice for your family, not for you. Selfish choices is what led to infidelity in the first place. You are not a newbie you don't get the luxury of selfish at this point.

HOW UTTERLY DARE YOU SAY SUCH A THING....HOW UTTERLY DARE YOU!

rambler posted 8/5/2020 21:39 PM

You are spot on Prissy Nothing like watching people kick those who are down glad you stood tall. Kudos to you.

JanaGreen posted 8/6/2020 04:20 AM

So, this isn't my forum and I don't usually post here. It's been years since I tried to R with my wayward spouse and I'm happily divorced now. I just wanted to offer a different perspective. And I haven't read thoroughly through all the responses, so I'm sorry if I step on toes or repeat something that has already been said.

You mentioned that you don't think that you want to have any more kids, but were thinking you might want to have that option open in case you divorce and meet someone that does want more children. Well, I would encourage you to think thoroughly about whether or not you would want more children in the case of divorce. I know biology is different male to female, but I'm your age (40) with two kids, one being a five-year-old, and I cannot imagine adding more to the mix at this age. I just don't have the energy. But again, that's your choice.

In my marriage, I was on the pill for years and years. And it was fine, it didn't kill my sex drive like it does for a lot of women. But it did flatten the normal curve. Now when I started dating my current partner, I had been celibate for a little over two years after my ex left, so I wasn't bothering to use any birth control. We started off using condoms, and a little over a year ago he had a vasectomy. And let me just tell you, I thank him on a regular basis for having that vasectomy. And he has told me that it was well worth it and that he would do it again in a heartbeat. He even told me that if the effects were temporary and he had to keep getting it done periodically, he would still do it. That's how fantastic it is in terms of convenience and freedom. And it benefits both of us that I am not on any sort of hormones and thus get to enjoy the natural highs of certain times in my cycle. Not being on hormonal BC makes a HUGE difference in terms of libido and arousal for me. As a woman who does not want any more children, I can tell you that if I were back on the market, which I don't want to be since I'm happy with my partner obviously, but if I were, men with vasectomies would move to the front of the line. It is definitely a perk from my perspective.
Of course, I do get that if you were back on the market and interested in a woman who does want children, it would not be a perk. But if you really think things through and decide that you have all the children that you want, it would be an advantage to you whether you stay married or decide to leave the marriage.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:23 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 8/6/2020 09:06 AM

So let me give the other side here....

I didn't want more kids...until I had a miscarriage and now it's on the table for us. My youngest is 10.

I will be 40...and energy..I have loads..we are in The best place financially. In the middle of looking at houses. I have an 18 year old that can run errands, a 14 year old that can cook and everyone in my house does their own laundry. 14 and 18 year old meal plan and cook a meal once a week.

All that to say...what I wanted 2 years ago...isn't what I want today. And it's OKAY. It's more than okay. So what he wants to keep the possibility of more children, maybe...down the line.

How many of us said we would leave our spouse and didn't? Because we changed our minds, things, changed. Or left..and found love that we didn't think existed.

there are METHODS to stop a women from getting pregnant. Let's stop pretending their aren't other options for his wife or him besides a vasectomy.

R means COMMUNICATING.it doesnt mean giving in or not meeting your own needs. There is so much damn space between "no more kids" and "vasectomy" you can build a football field. R means finding a compromise that they both can live with.

DragnHeart posted 8/6/2020 09:37 AM

I had my tubes tied during my c section with the twins.

Wh and I had talked about me doing this. We agreed it was the best option. We were told that another pregnancy could result in another set of multiples.

Now part of my decision making was that of four kids we had three end up in the NICU, all around 3 lbs. Dd and DS were being tested by genetics for every rare condition out there. My kids didn't thrive. Are all below normal growth. The first few years with our first dd was pure hell. Doctors telling me I just wasnt feeding her or that typically the mother passes down genetic fuxkups. I was blamed and beaten down so badly.

So when my twins came and both were wheeled away to the nicu and the doctor asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this I didn't hesitate.

Guess what? 6 years later we find out its WH with the genetic mutation. NOT ME!!!!!

He recently saw memories pop up on Facebook of the twins as babies and said that he kinda wished we had more kids...

Do I regret now getting my tubes tied? Yes. And no. Had I not done it I know we would have had more children. But four kids isnt easy some days.

All that to say that a vasectomy and tubal ligation are a hell of alot more permanent than taking BC or wearing a condom. If wh ans I D he could go on to have more children. I cannot. And I wouldn't put myself under the knife to change that now.

Do what's best for you!

hikingout posted 8/6/2020 09:39 AM

You are not a newbie you don't get the luxury of selfish at this point.

I disagree. His ability to choose what happens to his own body isnt selfish. It's his right.

I just want to say, the vasectomy is totally still a choice you can decide on the timing. We all should have autonomy over our body.

I think where he is going wrong is not expressing the why of the decision. She does deserve to know that he is in limbo if she believes they are in R or working on R.

You can not expect her to have an understanding reaction to what to her seems like an arbitrary decision. They are still having sex obviously, she doesn't want to get pregnant, they agreed prior to him getting a vasectomy. How on earth is she supposed to interpret "No" now.

I am not saying she is or isn't remorseful, for sure she needs to work on her own communication skills and not giving knee jerk responses. However, I am not sure that she doesn't feel a bit gaslighted here. That she is crazy for having a reaction to something she can really sense (his one foot out the door) but not being given that as an explanation.

We can't fault her for a reaction she is probably having on her senses rather than on transparent communication.

As I said before, I think this poster is afraid it changes her commitment if he says the words out loud that he isn't sure about their future, and that he thinks he wants to leave his options open.

I say that's not a true fear. Either she is committed or not. If she is, she will be patient about it. If she isn't, then he will have his answer and should probably divorce her. At this point she doesn't (and shouldn't) have the luxury of being in R conditionally.

But, we can not condemn her if she is not being given information about the decision. My guess is she senses it and is reacting to the mixed information. She SHOULD be able to see why that is, and maybe that is proof she is not remorseful. But 3+ years in, I do think you should be honest with her.

Butforthegrace posted 8/6/2020 09:58 AM

What HO said. Right on. Honest communication, or you're not in R.

If it were me and I was 40, with a couple of living, healthy kids, I'd get the snip-snip. In fact I did, at age 40. Sit on a bag of frozen peas for a day or two, relax with a few beers, and you're good as new. My shit still points north many years later.

There is a lot of hand wringing in this thread over a little piece of vas. Which brings me back to HO's excellent post. It really isn't the vas that's the issue. It's the communication.

prissy4lyfe posted 8/6/2020 10:56 AM

What?!

He DID communicate. He told her he was apprehensive due to her affair. He told her EXACTLY how he felt and why.

He HONESTLY and openly communicated why he was apprehensive of getting a vasectomy.

She interpreted it his apprehension as punishment. Instead of leaning in, engaging and communicating she reacted defensively.

He was vulnerable with her. She rejected it.

hikingout posted 8/6/2020 11:04 AM

I did not read anything that said "I told her I didn't want to have a vasectomy because I might want to meet someone else who wants a baby".

I read that he told her he would not have a vasectomy and that the conversation evolved as to the idea that the affair affected him. That she feels he is punishing her for the affair. Those are segmented statements It sounds way more to me like she is hearing that he is not having an vasectomy because she had an affair.

And I read in the last paragraph. that he isn't saying anything to her to keep the peace. But I think that he has abandoned the thread anyway to even clarify.

Also, it's her fault as well that she isn't communicating and leaning in, which I did say in my response.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:05 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 8/7/2020 16:30 PM

She is responsible for her birth control. You unreasonable responsible for yours. You are under no obligation to have a permanent, surgical alteration like that to your body.

Poppy704 posted 8/7/2020 16:50 PM

She is responsible for her birth control. You unreasonable responsible for yours. You are under no obligation to have a permanent, surgical alteration like that to your body.

This line of thinking is bull shit. OP is fucking his wife enough that pregnancy is a concern, in that way at least they are functioning as a couple. His wife is not under any obligation to have a foreign object forcibly inserted into her body or to subject herself to hormones so that he doesn’t have to take any responsibility whatsoever beyond saving his sperm for hypothetical second wife. If he doesn’t want to knock her up, he needs to invest in Trojans. Or he can try having an honest conversation,

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 4:53 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

DragnHeart posted 8/7/2020 17:45 PM

The issue isnt the vasectomy.

The issue is that he is justly apprehensive and instead of being empathetic to how he feels she wanted a timeline of when he would get over it so he would get the procedure.