Notriangle posted 7/24/2020 19:30 PM

My WH was 59 years old and his AP was 62. Shouldn't mature people know better? They actually believed that their long distance fantasy could be a lifetime plan. They behaved like teenagers stuck in silly limerance. The AP, a 62 year old psychologist, sent him a Christmas card with little animal stickers talking to each other, saying cutesy things in different colored inks! Geez!
Maybe, when people are young and stupid with raging hormones, this kind of behavior might be expected. My WH was willing to throw away 4 decades of marriage and move away from his children and grandchildren to start a new fantasy life with someone he met on Facebook! His AP, who practiced psychotherapy (including couples counseling), was 62 years old!
Just venting....

marriageredux959 posted 7/24/2020 20:01 PM

Why does this smell of an ethics violation to me?

gmc94 posted 7/24/2020 21:47 PM

I thought the same thing.

Tho I suspect having an A, in & of itself, is not violating prof ethics so long as the AP is not a patient.

The1stWife posted 7/25/2020 07:23 AM

I sometimes think the older some people get the dumber they get.

landclark posted 7/25/2020 08:17 AM

My WH was well into his 50s telling a cam girl how much he loved her and wanted to marry her. Unfortunately age doesn’t always come with increased intelligence.

78monte posted 7/25/2020 08:52 AM

My wife was 49 and her AP was 59.she keeps talking about how older people are more mature. Makes me scratch my head and say to myself, WTF happened to her?

Anna123 posted 7/25/2020 09:05 AM

Mine was 54 at the time and had been making statements along the line that life is short and then you die, got to live it up now--- Which in addition to cheating included spending every dime that came in and not saving for our retirements or sons college. Whoo Hoo, livin it up for the "now". I know cheating happens equally at all ages and mostly for the same reason being that the cheater 'deserves' it, but for some of the older ones it's a false sense of finally truly living life, which of course it isn't. It's just sex with someone different in the end with a horrible trade-off of pleasure vs. pain. I have to agree on the intelligence level being a bit weak to say the least.

Notriangle posted 7/25/2020 09:16 AM

Anna123,
I heard that same BS about how he might only have 5 or 10 years left to enjoy life. Come to find out, that was advice coming from the super wise AP.
I question the intelligence but even more, I question the emotional maturity. People in their sixties shouldn't be living in lala land.

fareast posted 7/25/2020 09:34 AM

A lack of emotional maturity for sure. Also not the brightest. I am 72, and over the last half dozen years I have seen this occur with a couple of acquaintances. They become consumed with the fantasy. It really is supremely selfish behavior. And then reality hits and they return dragging their tail. Personally I don’t understand it. Living authentically with my partner and enjoying our later years together is the thing I dreamed about. But, sadly, I have seen good people succumb to the fantasy.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:04 PM, July 25th (Saturday)]

Notaboringwife posted 7/25/2020 10:37 AM

Infidelity occurs at any age. My FWH was 65 and she was 68 at the time. Affair lasted 12 months, and after I separated from him they lived together for an additional 3 months.

Should they be old enough to know better? One would think so. But when entitlement, selfishness, personal insecurities, boredom with his own life hit, watch out!

My FWH acted out of his own insecurities and wooed a woman who was just as damaged as he was. To peas in a pod. Excitement, adventures etc. together, he had 10 more years left to live, so why not have a final love affair, were his words to me on D-Day....well us BS heard that before.

But at the end of their fantastic relationship , maturity kicked in.

At least for my FWH it did. She remained in la la land. I accepted him back into my life when he dumped her.

We are in R, 13 months.

The way I see it, they damaged one another much more than they ever damaged me.
Two seniors who wanted fun. But with their fun, came mature heartbreaks, and hurt for everyone.

No, in my case, they are not old enough to know better! Oh and to add, the FOW is a retired high government director. Widow for 20 years. Never remarried. Damaged in her love life, smart in her professional life.

Notriangle posted 7/25/2020 14:55 PM

Notaboringwife,
Our stories are so similar. After months of hearing how he was torn between us, I made the decision for him. I filed for divorce and sent him packing. He lived with her for one week before loading up all of his stuff and heading back here.
When he actually had to live with her and her OCD rules, it just wasn't so fantastic. Like you said, maturity finally kicked in.
I have adopted your mindset regarding their affair. When I feel hurt, I remind myself that I am a very good person who did not deserve this. He has to live with the fact that he behaved like a teenager. The hurt and guilt belongs to him, not me.
I'd like to believe that the hurt and guilt belongs to his AP also, but I don't know if she is actually capable of feeling those emotions. She also has been alone for about twenty years, after a divorce. I guess she has been unable to find a single man to build a relationship with for the last twenty years so she went for my husband instead.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 7/25/2020 16:13 PM

Unfortunately not everyone gains wisdom with age.

Onlysmiles4her posted 7/25/2020 16:31 PM

Thank you for your insight everyone. I have not got the hang of this format yet, hang in there.
Notatriangle- very good advice. I try to remember that it has little to do with me and everything with them and their choices. That pain is hard to shake some days for me.

Bingo posted 7/25/2020 17:11 PM

My 72 year old xwh had an affair with a woman who was 41 years younger than him. She was also married with 4 small children under the age of 9....

I left after 2 months of him "TRYING" to end the affair. The AP just wouldn't leave him alone.....haha

We have been divorced for 4 months now and it still boggles my mind. How can you ever understand something so insanely crazy? Do people really do this shit? Yes...yes they do.

I know the AP is getting a divorce so maybe they'll get together and live happily ever after. But damn....he doesn't even like kids!!

But I do also take comfort in knowing that I don't have to carry the guilt and shame that he does.

The twilight years shouldn't be lived this way...

Notriangle posted 7/26/2020 13:18 PM

Onysmiles4her,
The pain is hard for me to shake some days too. I guess that's why I am posting here. On my best days, I try to reject the pain and push it back on him. I don't say anything to him. I just decide that I don't want to give him any more power to hurt me. I firmly believe that being a cheater would be worse than being cheated on.

Bingo,
OMG! He is 72 years old and she is 31? Wow!
How long were you married? Do you have children?

Bingo posted 7/26/2020 18:13 PM

Notriangle:

We were married 21 years and it was a second marriage for both of us. We both have 2 children from our first marriage but none together.

I know I'll get over the betrayal someday but the age difference....I dunno bout that. I think that will haunt me forever!

Stupid dipshit!!

Gumdropped posted 8/6/2020 16:15 PM

I would say old and "confident" As they age our wandering spouses gain confidence - not lose it. I have reams of texts going back and forth between my, at the time, 59 yr old WH and two of his EA partners, one who I know was 61. Makes me want to when I read the absolute gush that went on. You would think they (the EA women too) were teenagers. Also being under the anonymity of thinking that they wouldn't get caught, or that their texts would get read, gives them clear license to engage. The flirting in these exchanges is really downright embarrassing to read. My one little nugget is....he doesn't know I have any of that, and a lot more. I call it my exit plan ammo, if I ever need it.