Rosyglasses - I apologize for the t/j here:
usually to the advantage of the female in the marriage — so you’re a bit of an outlier
never quite as easy for the guy in that arrangement (you ARE unusual in that respect)
Really? So now we are gonna use a NEW BW's thread to make irrelevant 'observations' about women being the "usual" cheaters? How is it OK to insinuate that women are more likely to cheat, on the thread of a BETRAYED woman?
What difference does it make if her WS was a man, a woman, or an elephant? Can we please stop with the gender-based generalizations?
In MY experience, it's the MEN who break the boundaries of polyamory. Indeed, I do not know a single woman who has done it (but I do know some men who have).
So, does that make my experience accurate? Statistically relevant? Of course not. All it means is that I, as a women, tend to have those kind of intimate conversations with women, who would share with me how their male partners lied and cheated. Just like a man may tend to have more intimate conversations with other men who feel comfortable sharing how their female partners lied & cheated.
For the life of me, I cannot understand why it is in any way, shape or form, helpful to tell a BS that HER betrayal is somehow "unusual" bc the WS happened to be of x gender.
This is a person who has been betrayed. This is a person who has been hurt in ways that every BS (male & female) knows all too well. To make these irrelevant comments serve no purpose to the OP. Worse, they can be very harmful to the extent they insinuate that there is something not "normal" bc it is "usually" HER TYPE who cheats.... adding an additional whack to the self esteem "hit" that any BS has already suffered.
Rosyglasses - I'm so sorry you had to find yourself here. I'm so sorry that your WS has broken your boundaries. I already posted that given the short duration of your relationship and the breaking of such an explicit boundary, I would probably not engage in attempting to R.
It's not to me to judge the decision to enter into a poly relationship. I do think that adds another dimension to betrayal in that those who make that choice must have very firm and well communicated boundaries that are always respected. It takes courage and a big leap of faith and vulnerability to be poly - IMHO, beyond the leaps of faith & vulnerability in a strictly 1:1 monogamous M. So to have it all "mapped out" (so to speak) and STILL have the boundary broken is heartbreaking.
I don't know if I can believe him. I don't know if I even want to believe him.
This is what happens when trust is shattered. Whether poly or not, for those of us who had explicit communications about our boundaries, having them broken feels especially cruel.
FWIW, I think beginning to save up is a healthy step. Get your ducks in a row. Despite my criticisms, SI is a wonderful place and has helped me tremendously. We are here for you.