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10 years how could she throw it away?

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SWAQ4444 posted 7/24/2020 08:11 AM

Thanks again everyone it really is nice to hear from those of you that have been here.

We did talk more about the whole timeline and I honestly believe that the sex was one time and they didn't really talk after that cuz she felt terrible. In the end it doesn't really matter if there was more to it or not. I just can't live with that in our history, and the talking was still an EA and she knows it was wrong. She is taking it hard. Balling when I walk in the door and ignore her. (she is still at my house looking for an apartment) I feel bad we live in my hometown so she cant just go to her parents, and she really only has one close friend that lives in a tiny house with two other roommates so no room there. She just constantly cries and tells me she's sorry she's such a POS and sorry she ruined my life blah blah...

I reached out to the OM's GF on facebook messenger, but I'm not sure she even sees messages on that, I don't get the little picture that pops up when a message is read, and I don't have her phone #. I'll probably try a couple more messages.

Now I get to start selling toys and shit we bought together, I can handle that but the hardest part I didn't mention was we have a dog... She keeps asking who is getting the dog, and I'm probably crazy to think we could split custody, but I'd really rather try that than lose the dog completely. We adopted her when we were together, but technically she paid so I think by law its hers... :( Guess we will see.

Finally, it probably wasn't the best time financially, but I bought a Harley to have something to do and get my mind off shit. It's a great release! I've been talking to a couple friends I haven't talked to in a while, but really I never had many close friends, and my brother lives out of town so its sort of tough. I haven't told my parents yet, but will in time.
Gahhhhh, once again I just never thought I'd be going through this shit... :(

Robert22205https posted 7/24/2020 09:57 AM

Finally, it probably wasn't the best time financially, but I bought a Harley to have something to do and get my mind off shit.


Don't fall into the 'white knight' trap.

BTW: tell everyone the wedding if off. It sends her a message to stop the drama.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:58 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 7/24/2020 10:07 AM

but the hardest part I didn't mention was we have a dog... She keeps asking who is getting the dog, and I'm probably crazy to think we could split custody, but I'd really rather try that than lose the dog completely. We adopted her when we were together, but technically she paid so I think by law its hers... :( Guess we will see.

She's still thinking about a dog when her life is falling apart, please just give her the dog, it would just trigger you and remind you of her plus I don't think the "shared custody" is a good idea at all, just purge her from your life completely and yes tell everyone the truth about why the relationship ended, it's not your job to hide her A.

This is a crucial moment and the collective wisdom of SI could help you go though this difficult situation, keep posting frequently.

nekonamida posted 7/24/2020 10:43 AM

Swaq, you're doing great. Read around and you will see the same thing cheaters say over and over again - sex only happened one time because they felt bad. Guess what? It's almost always a lie. Unless you have proof that it only happened once in messages between them, it's probably a lie too.

Think about it - she was considering leaving you only a few weeks ago because she was so unhappy and it was over a one-time incident months ago? Doesn't make any sense. And then suddenly she confesses and is all in on R. What changed? Did OM dump her? Is OM's GF ignoring you because she already knows and it's what prompted your fiancee to confess? That would make more sense than the story you got from her and if you read around more, you see how common it is that a cheater comes to the betrayed partner saying how unhappy they are only after the affair has ramped up for a while and they're considering a future with the AP. It's right out of the cheater's handbook.

You've made a good choice in getting out before the wedding and further entanglement ensued. If you change your mind, don't go back on it until you know what you're really dealing with. Almost no one gets the truth on DDay. There's probably a lot more that you don't know about. So don't feel too sorry for her either because it seems like she confessed only to what she thought you might R with. The tears are mostly for herself.

Anna123 posted 7/24/2020 11:09 AM

She keeps asking who is getting the dog

Really. She is devastated about loosing you and keeps asking about the dog. I LOVE LOVE LOVED my dog but if my ex said he was divorcing me back when we were married I can guarantee I wouldn't be asking about my dog.

Hang in there. You will come out of this shining.

This0is0Fine posted 7/24/2020 12:30 PM

I used LinkedIn to contact the OBS. Works better than FB for unknown people making first contact.

Dadchats posted 7/24/2020 15:48 PM

They do it once they will do it again. You will heal over time. I am also healing slowly. Study red pill knowledge my friend, it will open your eyes. Take care, look after yourself and remember to keep no contact for your own sanity.

M1965 posted 7/24/2020 16:31 PM


I think that you have done the right thing.

The actions you describe sound very focused on herself.

By making those statements in such a theatrical way that cannot be ignored, she is trying to find out how you feel. Will you agree with what she says, or will you tell her she is not that bad, she is just a poor, confused little bunny who meant no harm?

The best response to that kind of thing is not to engage with it at all. If she wants to have a pity party, leave her to it. Just a few weeks ago she was on top of the world, happily juggling two men, and the person who was unhappy was you.

This does get better with time, SWAQ, and fate has a funny way of working things out. As one door closes, another opens, and it sounds like you are in a good situation to meet someone with a more committed approach to relationships, and a firmer grip of integrity, as and when you are ready for that.

Like others here, I find her fixation on custody of the dog a bit strange at a time like this.

I understand the attachment to a pet, but it is not a good idea to consider joint custody. That means ongoing contact with your GF, at a time when you need to be making a fresh start.

In the spirit of fresh starts, why not get yourself a new dog, just for yourself? There are plenty of dogs that need a home, and you would soon bond with a new one.

Good idea to get the new bike. I hope you enjoy it. The feeling of freedom when rolling along the open road is hard to beat, and perhaps a good metaphor for the new stage of your life that is beginning.

JS84 posted 7/24/2020 18:09 PM

Unless you want to fight for ownership let her keep the dog. Don't try any shared custody over animals or pets.

I also recommend not exposing unless it's in person or over the phone. Letters, voicemails, text messages, etc you have no way of knowing if they were received or intercepted.

Anyway you made the right call.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/24/2020 18:36 PM

FWIW when we she said "we need to talk about why she is not happy", one of the first things I said was no matter what happens, Oscar will be with me. He saw me thru a divorce and the loss of my mom within 6 months. Then he died six months later. Pretty sucky year. I think technically the dog would be community property, but probably better to decide who gets custody.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:38 PM, July 24th (Friday)]

Buffer posted 7/25/2020 22:18 PM

You made the choice for you. What you can and cannot live with, infidelity is the one thing you canít accept.

She may have difficulty finding a pet friendly abode near you, so you may have the dog for a while yet. Be the grey rock and donít engage she is trying to manipulate you with the wo is me, I am a POS etc.
You are doing well, this is about your recovery now. She wanted this, a direct response to her deliberate action.
Keep trying to contact the OMGF.
One day at a time

SWAQ4444 posted 7/26/2020 19:41 PM

Ok drunk at the bar and need to vent... made contact with the OMsGF the other night. (More on that later...) She apparently has control of her BFs phone now. She messaged me today that my ex invited the OM to a weekend at the cabin in September... I immediately texted her and told her to get the fuck out of my house. She now claims her friend made the group and invited him LOL what a joke!! Holy fuck Iím pissed. It was over anyways but WTF!! Iím ignoring her and sheís just keeps texting she swears she had no idea he was invited I want no contact with him at all please believe me blah blah blah hahahaha

Buffer posted 7/26/2020 19:50 PM

She knew who she invited. She is just manipulating you, trying to control what every one thinks of her wayward ways.
She needs to get out now!
Strength to you in this difficult time and just take it one day at a time.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/26/2020 20:48 PM

Bull $hit!!!!!

She knew because she did it!!!!

You did the right thing by telling her to get out immediately!!!!
If her friend did do it, and that is a HUUUUGE if, her friend is an idiot or knew about and encouraged the affair, which was more than just a one time event!

You also now know that they are still in communication at least through friends

The sooner you get away from her and cut ALL ties with her the better you will be!

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/26/2020 20:53 PM

Give her a deadline to be completely out of your house by. If she is not, then change the locks next time she is out and start throwing all of her stuff in trash bags and place them in the driveway or in garage and text her what youíve done. The night before the deadline, buy new locks, take the keys out of the packaging, and leave them on the kitchen table or someplace where she will see them!!

After you give her the deadline and the consequences for not being out by the deadline, block her number so you will no longer see her texts.

Maybe she can go live with her hysterically funny friend that invited the POS to the cabin!!!!!!

Who in their right might would possibly think that was funny?
Your ex is delusional if she thinks anyone would believe that her friend invited him as a joke!!

Spend night at friendís place or brothers. It is too dangerous to go home with her there! You are leaving yourself open to a bull $hit accusation of domestic violence!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:05 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

M1965 posted 7/26/2020 21:20 PM

Well, if you had any doubts that you were doing the right thing by parting company with her, she just confirmed it big style.

You need to put a lot of clear water between you and her, and leave her to work out what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Not your monkeys, not your show.

Let her see if Johnny Ski-do wants to marry her. Personally, I doubt it.

Her friend made the group????...Hmmm...

Whatever stupid nonsense is going on, you need to be away from it. It is not going anywhere, and you do not need to be shackled to a dishonest idiot. The weird thing is that she is still trying to lie about what she is doing.

Cut your ties, and say so long, good luck, and goodbye. You can do better than this, and you are going to do better than this. However, you can only do that by making a clean break and moving on.

You really have to ask yourself: "Why stay?"

To put up with more of this lunacy?

Move on, my friend. There are loads of really nice, decent women out there who would love to be in a relationship with a decent, honest guy. So why stay where you are?

Atrowspark posted 7/26/2020 23:59 PM

Small consolation, but be thankful that she showed her true colors BEFORE you got married and had kids. Hope you tell your parents soon so they can give you support.

ramius posted 7/27/2020 02:02 AM

You will never, ever, regret leaving her. Cheating liars are not spousal material.

Fortunately you saw the real her before she locked you down with marriage and kids. Once that happens itís so much tougher to leave. The financial and emotional cost is much higher. Many a person has stayed with their cheating spouse and tried to make the best of it, dying a little inside everyday, because they didnít want to pay the divorce penalty.

Good on you for standing firm and getting out.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/27/2020 07:07 AM

She now claims her friend made the group and invited him

You are correct on calling bullshit on this. If her friend was going to invite people on her behalf, don't you think her friend would have TOLD her who she was inviting? And if she was really wanting to R with you, wouldn't she have asked her friend to invite YOU?!

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