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10 years how could she throw it away?

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HalfTime2017 posted 7/16/2020 14:45 PM

BeyondRage gave you some sage questions to ask. You need those questions answered before any next steps. And the best way to get those questions answered where you know its the truth would be a Poly. If she doesn't agree to a Poly, than you have your answers.

Additionally, you should pay close attention to what Anna123 said. Its no secret that cheaters repeat their tact. Your GF/Fiance got bored and strayed. Think about how that will happen again, once you maybe have kids. SWAQ444 is out there busy trying to support his family and his wife again is bored, less attention from hubby. Those are some poor coping skills. How can you trust her again? She can cheat down the road when things get tough again, loss of a child, children leaving home, retirement, mid life crisis. The list is huge. There are so many repeat cheaters on this board. Just look thru a couple of pages and you'll see that there are so many on here for so long, or come back yrs later to report the same.

Marriage should be off the table immediately. She needs to work on herself and own up to everyone why the fuck the wedding is off. Than, when the dust settles, see if you can even stomach marrying this chick. This does not even go into kids, cabin..... and all that stuff. You've got much to work on.

ScarredGuy posted 7/16/2020 14:55 PM

You're going to one day be ok again, I promise. Yes, it is very hard to see that right now.

Try to keep looking forward. When you do look back, try to think about how you can improve upon yourself moving forward. Don't think of those 10 years as a waste, but rather preparation for the right person who will respect the sanctity of marriage.

You dodged bullet my friend and do not have to deal with the custody battles and legal nightmares that befell many here.

Only you'll know how to proceed, but let me shed some insight into your future (as a fellow survivor), you don't want to turn into an untrusting person that questions her every move and avoids certain healthy relationships to protect an already-tainted one.

phmh posted 7/16/2020 20:25 PM

You don't want a future tagline here:

Me: BH, 3 kids, Married 20 years, together 30
D-Day: 2020, 2035, 2040

That is so, so common! And, like others have posted, every single person I know who married someone who cheated on them prior to marriage found themselves cheated on after marriage.

You have the power to see what's in your future if you stay with her.

She has shown you who she is. As others have said, she failed the marriage interview. You are still so young! (I was 33 when I divorced my cheating husband; we'd been married 11 and together 13 years.) There are honest people out there, and your entire life will be better if you pair up with one.

Sure it will be tough now, but you are saving your future self many magnitudes of worse pain when she does this again and it impacts your future kids, or you've wasted even more time on a cheater.

SnowToArmPits posted 7/17/2020 02:29 AM

She stopped talking to him, and just keeps saying she was stupid and shes sorry.

Just the kind of selfish, stupid behaviour where she loses her fiance.

Clint posted 7/17/2020 03:22 AM

I made my first post here in 2006. Listen to me and my 14 years of post affair life.

Take that fucking trash OUT. Start over.

Dismayed2012 posted 7/17/2020 11:28 AM

What 'phmh' said.

My ex was a cheater before marriage. She didn't cheat on me until 8 years into the marriage but was caught again in 2012 when I finally got my act together and divorced her.

You don't want our tag lines noting kids and years wasted. Save yourself and take your life back while the taking is good.

I wish the best for you.

SWAQ4444 posted 7/23/2020 09:24 AM

Told her we were done. Hardest thing I've ever done. This sucks!

Kaliber posted 7/23/2020 09:30 AM

Told her we were done. Hardest thing I've ever done. This sucks!

Hay buddy..
I know it's the hardest thing!
But it was the right thing to do!

Did you inform the other man's GF?
Was it a 5 month affair?

It's very sad how people can throw away a good loving life and a future family for a fling and a thrill, it's really sad!

Some people just... baffles me..

[This message edited by Kaliber at 9:31 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

Robert22205https posted 7/23/2020 09:42 AM

Told her we were done. Hardest thing I've ever done. This sucks!

Beware what's called the white knight syndrome.

Under the circumstances, it's natural to feel sympathy for her but it's not appropriate for you to save/protect her from her bad decisions.

Someday you'll look back and you won't even remember what she looked like - but you'll be glad you passed.

BeyondRage posted 7/23/2020 09:44 AM

Told her we were done. Hardest thing I've ever done. This sucks!

It will get better. Doesn't sound like she offered up anything to prove it was only one time if that even mattered.

My guess is the confession came hoping you would accept the ONS shit after five months of EA and forgive her. Or did she admit more whien you told her you were done?

goalong posted 7/23/2020 09:56 AM

Alcohol never lead to anything good. Latest guidelines say even one drink is harmful. But while everyone smear cigarettes, they celebrate alcohol. Hope it is anew good beginning for you

Michigan posted 7/23/2020 11:58 AM

She had mentioned in the past that she felt I don't pay attention enough, or I only pay attention when I want sex, ect. ect. We'd make some small changes, but was kind of always the same.

SWAQ4444

just so commenters know she does want R. She stopped talking to him, and just keeps saying she was stupid and shes sorry.

SWAQ4444

According to your girlfriend, you and your relationship sucked to the point where no one could blame her for having an affair. Then she confesses and wants to R.

The relationship is now even worse because of her affair. So she gave up on your relationship. Now that itís spectacularly worse sheís suddenly wants to do the incurability difficult job of R when she wasn't willing before.

I always just thought well it's pretty normal to get a little boring after 10 years together.

SWAQ4444

Youíre like her dad in that you provide safety and security. Sheís like your teenage daughter that she snuck out of her bedroom to see an exciting bad boy .

Told her we were done. Hardest thing I've ever done. This sucks!

SWAQ4444

This is the correct thing to do even if you ultimately get back together or not.

The point that Iíve been trying to make is the safety and security you provide is your value to her.

If you went straight to R then that was never at risk for her. Why wouldnít she have another affair if she could never lose what you provide? Plus going straight to R sends the message that what she did wasnít all that bad.

Her living in her cabin and you in your main house will make this real for her. Itís her job to convince you to take her back, not yours.

If youíre permanently done with her then youíre already moved out.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:49 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

Westway posted 7/23/2020 12:06 PM

Move on and go forward with your life. You'll hurt for a long time but it does get better. It was the right thing to do.

thatbpguy posted 7/23/2020 12:17 PM

Told her we were done. Hardest thing I've ever done. This sucks!


How is she taking it? I mean, is she fighting for the relationship? You're still so early on that you don't know what you may want. Before you say a permanent goodbye, make sure it's what you want.

A question- did you talk to the OM's gf? Did she know? Anything more to your wife's story?

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/23/2020 14:23 PM

This book will help with the "this sucks" part.

Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life

ShutterHappy posted 7/23/2020 15:35 PM

Did you end up getting the full story?

It will get better, just give it time

ramius posted 7/23/2020 17:13 PM

It sucks now. No doubt. And it will hurt for awhile. 10 years is a long time. And you may not see it now.....but you have given yourself a gift.

The gift of freedom. Freedom from a life with a cheater.

You will not be spending years triggering every day you have to look at her. You will not have to play junior detective for the rest of you life to confirm where she is, or who she is talking to. You will never have to wonder if she is thinking of her lover while being with you. The list goes on and on.

And she is now free to find her happy place. With whatever guy willing to settle for your leftovers.

You still have your integrity. Chin up.

Jameson1977 posted 7/23/2020 18:29 PM

Totally understand where you are coming from. It sucks, but she caused this and will have to live with the consequences.

And yes, absolutely let the OMís partner know, blow the fu#kers life up. Itís not like your WW had a ONS with a random. This was a ďfriendĒ.

I debated telling the OMís wife in my case. When I finally decided to do it, I found out my WW was just one in a long line of women this POS was screwing. His wife found out and immediately filed for D. Her family had paid $125,000 for a huge wedding, the POS OM had to pay her family back....I felt really good hearing that!

Buffer posted 7/23/2020 19:07 PM

Well, it is your choice. There will be sorrow then things will slowly get better. But it will take time.
Take each day ad it come, be a positive wizard, this was never on you.
I hope you get the full truth, there would have been more, this was her exit A. So you would have to pull the pin on the relationship.
One day at a time.
Buffer

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/23/2020 19:45 PM

How are you holding up?

Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts like hell.
But it will get better. Tomorrow will be a tiny bit better than today. Oh, there will be setbacks, but the general trajectory will be one of healing.

Donít worry about her. She is a big girl and will have to handle the repercussions of her decisions.

Did you reach out to the scumbagís girlfriend? She has a right to know.

Now focus on yourself. Donít hesitate to lean on friends and relatives. They WANT to help you in your time of need, just you you would want to be there for them in their time of need.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:04 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

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